wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

There is no point in telling, these things eventually become known.

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Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

This is tough! Women hardly ever cheat without a reason. That is just a fact. If he is so hellbent on covering her affairs then I have a feeling he had a hand in her pulling away from the relationship. Let me be clear that cheating is NEVER okay! Sometimes people cheat to get out of the relationship. It makes leaving easier but it is so wrong! Leave the hurt with the other person to deal with.

With that said, I feel so sorry for him. If she didn't care about her reputation when she was cheating why should he cover her cheating ass now when it is done? She left a big mess for him to clean. Khud bhaag Gayee... If I were her husband, I would tell my mom about her affairs. Nothing good will come out of hiding it..

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Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

That's utter poppycock. I mean women cheating reason.

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Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

do u know what does Islam call such type of men??he is called dayooth

Abdullaah ibn ‘Umar(rA) reported that the Prophet (saw) said:
“Three people will not enter paradise, and Allaah will not look to them on the Day of Judgement: the one who is disobedient to his parents, the woman who imitates men and the ad-Dayooth.” (Ahmad)

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Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

^I don't think it applies in this situation.

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Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

Pay attention to what OP wrote (see part in red below). OP wrote something that's a concern for the husband/father which is very wise. Husband isn't hiding the cheating for wife's reputation....he's doing it for his SON! Because knowing desi people....if husband's family finds out about the affair, sooner or later the son (while still a child/teenager) will hear nasty comments about his mother. It's one thing for the son to find out as an adult about his mother's affair......but its very wise of the father to make sure that the son doesn't hear nasty comments while still young by hiding the affair from extended family. NOTHING good will come out revealing her affair. 2 adults (both husband and wife in this case) have decided that they don't want to stay married to one another. Everyone else needs to respect their decision and not nag them to reveal person details which are none of their business.

As I wrote above, I think the husband's decision is wise. I would tell him to go ahead and file for the divorce. He doesn't need his mother's permission to finalize it. Once the divorce is finalized, after a few weeks/months...his mother will stop nagging him about it. Revealing the affair to his family right now will bring nothing but heartache for him AND his son.

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Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

^that makes sense. Didn't think of it that way! Still sad that he has to deal with her mess...

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Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

I think that the guys mother deserves to know the truth. Once she knows she would be supportive of her son. I don't see the reason to keep it a secret from his immediate family.

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Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

Would anyone be telling a woman with a cheating husband to keep quiet about the affair? I have never heard anyone give that advice on this forum. Cheating wives should get the same treatment. She showed her callousness for her husband, son, family, and reputation when she decided to sleep around not once, but twice. Reveal the affair, to everyone. Her family, his family, her coworkers, everyone.

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Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

^Well that just means that advice mostly given here is crap. I think truely moving on will mean not bothering about telling. Though he should get a DNA test done.

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Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

of course it will be applied in this situation as TLK is saying to keep it a secret and reconcile because wife is not apologizing and is not ready to live with him and in this situation if husband will try to reconcile and let her keep that affair then he will be a dayooth

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Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

^Well in that case yes.

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Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

If the woman thought that sharing the information with her mother would open up a "pandora's box", leak to other family members, and may come back to haunt/hurt her child....then yes, she should definitely keep it a secret. In OP's scenario, the husband clearly knows how his mother/extended family are. So if the husband himself is concerned about the effects of sharing this information on his child, there is a reason for it. Husband has nothing to lose by keeping it a secret. However, by sharing it, he risks his child experiencing taunting/emotional pain. Why on earth would anyone advise him to take such a unnecessary risk with his son.....a child who will needs all the support/positivity he can get right now/in the coming years.....is beyond me.

And yes, if this EXACT scenario was posted where a wife showed the same concern for her child....I would encourage her to do what she feels is the best decision for that child.

Children should never be put in a position where they have to pay for the mistakes/stupidity/selfishness of their parents. Yes, the wife here clearly didn't give a d@mn about anyone but herself. Wife clearly did something (ie. leaving her son) which will cause pain to her son. However, if the father starts shouting about her affair from the rooftop & EVERYONE finds out about it......then he's putting his son in a position where the child has to hear nasty comments from the extended family....perhaps even his own friends in school who hear comments about the son's mother from their parents at home. It's bad enough that the mother didn't care enough for the child to think twice about her actions. I would hope this child has at least one parent (ie. the father) who will put the child's physical AND emotional needs first before making any decisions.

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Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

Agreed. The whole situation is sad. The best thing for the father to do right now is move on and make sure his son is taken care of. OP doesn't mention the son's age but if the son is old enough to understand what's going on (i.e. mommy doesn't live with us anymore).....then the father needs to do everything possible to minimize the emotional trauma from the divorce.....which is already difficult given that they're in Pakistan.

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Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

Im gonna agree with ghost. Theres a blatant double standard when it comes to women and cheating. If it was the reverse, all of you would be calling for the guys head on a plate

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Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

He gains the support of his family. Right now he's dealing with her having cheated on him not once, but twice, all by himself, just to protect her reputation. The husband can tell people when they ask, and tell them to ask her if they have further questions. As for the son, hasn't he already been damaged? His mother abandoned him to go shack up with another man? You think he'll get over that easily?

OP gains very little by protecting her infidelity and she learns nothing.

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Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

More like his balls on a plate.

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Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

Dats nuts!

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Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

That is what I thought until Paheli pointed out the effects of it on the child. I completely agree otherwise that he will gain support of his family if he does tell. It is a very painful and heavy secret to guard his entire life. As for how it is damaging to him? It is very damaging. People will always think he must have kicked her out. She will become the poor battered woman, which she is far from.

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Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

Not just once but two times she had no regard for the sacred union of marriage. I don't understand men or women that are like this. Not judging her but even if she's the mother of his child, is it just to protect their image in front society to not get a divorce?

the grandmother, the husband's mother, why must the previous generations blab about the child's mother being unfaithful. our elders should be mature and yet they aren't. Definitely leave her unfaithful butt since she really wants to be with this other man, but why must the grandmother gossip around because ultimately it's going to harm her grandchild to have the whole city saying the mother is a " "( and boy do they have some creative words to describe a woman that's been unfaithful).

Let's hide the bruises caused by an abusive partner too while we're at it just so society doesn't find out. That's why divorce was rare before. Everything hidden, abuse was hidden, adultery was brushed off like it's no big deal. Anything to to keep society from blabbing and to keep the marriage together.