Regarding going back to her parents though I have realised that visiting often is fine but staying all the time isn't as has been explained by many of the posters here.
If you haven't already, you should read the thread titled "Maikay Jana". You'll see other women writing about what their husband's/MILs expect of them when it comes to visiting parents. And keeping in mind that many of those women don't even live in the same city/country as their parents! You'll find that you're (and you mom) very lenient......perhaps a little too much. As a wife and DIL, your wife has a responsiblity to make herself part of your household. Since there isn't any tension between her and your mom, your wife has a responsibility to initiate activities that will help her build a strong relationship with your family (heck she can easily take your mom and go for a walk every single morning!).
There is nothing wrong with your wife visiting or talking to her family often.....but BEFORE she can do that....she needs to make sure that she's fulfilling her responsibilities as a wife/DIL first. By her being depressed, and not making the effort to settle into her new role is a bit immature. I'm sure she was spoiled in her house due to her being the youngest. You and your mom need to stop doing the same.
Since she clearly hasn't made any effort to initiate anything in 2 months(whether its getting a job, volunteering, or planning activities with your mom).........I think its about time that you start being a little more firm. The message shouldn't be that she can do whatever she wants....when she wants. The message should be that you want her to start doing something immediately. It may take her time to find a job....but she can certainly start volunteering somewhere asap. :)
I overlooked the "25mins away from parents" part in my initial response. Nevermind, we're not in the same boat lol. I live continents apart from my family, in a country where English isn't even the official language. :(. She should realize she's got it very, very easy. What would I not do to live only 25mins away from parents, heck to live in at least the same country as I used to live!
She's probably used to being babied around as she's the youngest. Makes sense. But either you, or her parents should tell her that she's now married and her life isn't going to be what it once was. And yeah, a job or some kinda activity would be good.
You're a very understanding husband and your wife has a great mother in law but like others have said she does need to man up! Even if it's taking up a small hobby, going to meet some friends, she does new to get out of the house and stand on her own two feet.
I wouldnt agree with people who have said that you or your mum should tell your wife that she needs to "man up". Not so openly anyways, but maybe help her get back into the groove of things..
I was always at home with my parents and siblings too, but in my case, I was the eldest and the first to move out, at 25, once I got married. I think I had about two days in the first 2-3 months where I felt downright horrendous and didnt want to be married... but snapped out of it and that was mainly because I had the same routine after the wedding, as before. As in, I still worked.
As people have already said, get her back into working... or do something with her life. She's 27.... I am not understanding how she's not working.. I can understand girls who come from overseas who have a hard time getting into work because of visa/permit issues... but shes in the same city... shouldnt have an issue. Right?
All she needs is some time to adjust. Some people don't handle change easily, a change like moving out of her house, losing her job, living with your mom and everything else that comes with getting married may be too much for her. Give it some time till she adjusts, she may be bored now but allow her to find her things her way. If you start going out of your way to spend all your time with her then she'll expect that rather then making a normal daily routine for herself.
its hard.
i moved from the uk to pak. and hated it. weather, inlaws, electricity issues etc. just too much. issues always exist. sometimes it just doesnt work.
When I got married, I was exactly same like your wife..I also use to cry for no reason but then in few months I get use to the new environment. When I moved with my husband, I found everything new to me..suddenly your life changes in many way so sometimes you get stressed ...mashallah my husband was very supportive.
I am sure your wife will be fine soon
About visiting her parents, dont stop her..imagine if your parents lives separate and your wife didn't like u visiting them often
Finding a job is a good suggestion..Sometimes you get bored when you don't have anything to do
I was supposed to chat with the Mrs today about working etc but before that could happen she asked whether she could go home to visit for three days even though she visited for 6 days before i picked her up a week ago. Even after I stated that she would be staying over at her parents for a few days for eid she just stated that she can go then as well. All this with a depressed looking face.
From the advice received so far she definitely needs to do something with er time as currently she's just feeling miserable for herself.
Funny thing is that when she goes home its not as if she does anything besides sit at home with her family.
It's difficult in not allowing her to visit on this occasions but i'll chat to her and see, once i've spoken of my concerns if se still wants to go then by all means.
If you haven't already, you should read the thread titled "Maikay Jana". You'll see other women writing about what their husband's/MILs expect of them when it comes to visiting parents. And keeping in mind that many of those women don't even live in the same city/country as their parents! You'll find that you're (and you mom) very lenient......perhaps a little too much. As a wife and DIL, your wife has a responsiblity to make herself part of your household. Since there isn't any tension between her and your mom, your wife has a responsibility to initiate activities that will help her build a strong relationship with your family (heck she can easily take your mom and go for a walk every single morning!).
There is nothing wrong with your wife visiting or talking to her family often.....but BEFORE she can do that....she needs to make sure that she's fulfilling her responsibilities as a wife/DIL first. By her being depressed, and not making the effort to settle into her new role is a bit immature. I'm sure she was spoiled in her house due to her being the youngest. You and your mom need to stop doing the same.
Since she clearly hasn't made any effort to initiate anything in 2 months(whether its getting a job, volunteering, or planning activities with your mom).........I think its about time that you start being a little more firm. The message shouldn't be that she can do whatever she wants....when she wants. The message should be that you want her to start doing something immediately. It may take her time to find a job....but she can certainly start volunteering somewhere asap. :)
If you want the discussion to be non-confrontational, ask her the following questions (right now you're speculating about what's in her mind and how to solve the issues):
Is she sad? Why?
Is she bored? What can she do to alleviate her boredom?
What sort of routine or lifestyle does she envision for herself? Now, 1 year from now, 5 years from now?
Does she think it's okay to spend so much of her time at her parents? How does she think that makes you feel?
By making her answer these questions, you're making her reflect on her own actions/attitude and making her consider the impact of her behaviour on you. That'll help you suggest specific ways to address her adjustment issu, ie. School, work, volunteering.
I am curious, do her other sisters come back to the parents house and spend days on end there - or is it just her?
She's asked to go again?! Why are you letting her? How do you expect her to adjust to your family if she's always at her mums??? I think you need to man and say 'no' from time to time.
Erm how is that forbidding his wife?? She went to see her family on numerous occasions, seeing them ALL the time is not gonna solve anything either. The OP has said that she went a week ago, stayed for 6 days and now wants to go again. Thats a bit much, no?!
She just got married a couple of months ago she should understand that it’s going to take time to adjust to her new family… It seems like she isn’t even trying.
I highly doubt stopping her from going over to her parents is going to solve anything. Maybe try to tell her when she goes for so long, you miss her, its cheesy but i know a case where that worked. Maybe doing activities with your entire family involved might help her in easing up at your home, rather than spending time alone with your mother etc. For example, you can all watch a movie or a drama together, or go out somewhere like a dinner or masjid event or just to a coffee shop etc. I am not married but im really really pampered at home and i already know it will be extremely tough for me to live at my inlaws after my marriage but my family does a lot of things together, and i know it will help if my inlaws do things together as well.
some people have a hard time initiating relationships with others, so maybe try to be a facilitator to get her relationship going with your fam members.
LMAO…all the ‘advices’…while you are at it…please also suggest to get a nanny for her…because she is so little nanni munni c bachi…who doesn’t realise she is a married ‘‘woman’’ now…
coming from a man who has no clue how it feels to live with one family for so long and then move on to the next with tons of societal expectations..maybe she is being a baby but it is her husbands role to make sure she can adjust to her new home, and if he is asking for strategies, then ppl are giving it..simple. For some women, it is not as tough, for others change is hard, it has nothing to do with maturity, i know that even when i will be 50, change is always going to be tough for me, and you cant expect everyone to be the same.
Forbidding his wife from seeing her own family is not gonna solve anything.