Wife finding it difficult adjusting

Lifestyle Relationships
1

I got married in early June to a woman i knew for around two years. For the last two years she had been working for a few days here and there as agency staff. Since moving in with me and my mother she hasnt worked at all and states that she will look for something once ramadhan has ended. I’ve always said that it was upto her whether she wanted to work or not so I have never asked.

Now she has cried a few times, especially now that ramadhan has started. Since we have been married she has gone to live with her family on three separate occasions for around 4-5 days each time and we have visited every two weeks or so.

She cried recently and after asking she mentioned its because she is finding it too difficult to live with us but that she has no issues whatsoever with my family at all.

Now my question really is whether I should be worried? She has lived at home for most of her life and i am aware that this process is extremely difficult but then it seems to be playing on my nerves.

Is there anything i can do? I have been advised to get her involved in activities whilst she finds work as currently it is even more difficult for her adapting due to not having anything to do during the day whilst i am not there.

She is 27 and I am 28.

Question…

To all those women who moved to their in-laws or even moved from their parental home to another area, how difficult was it and what can i do to make it easier for her or somewhat mitigate her loneliness?

Other points to note:

I always ensure that we both get out of the house and do something on the weekends
Her parental home is around 25 minutes away
She can drive but no access to a car which im going to sort out inshaAllah this month
We have a joint account system where my salary goes and she has access to this for whatever she needs
She tends to wake up around 10am and theres never much cleaning to do around the house (we just dont make much of a mess) so within an hour she has nothing to keep her occupied and thats if my mother who tends to wake up even earlier hasnt already been around the house
Mother is old and doesn’t work but neither does she have any health issues so she doesn’t need any assistance

Any further ideas?

Thanks

…sorry if the post is a bit of a mess but i’m trying to do three things at the same time :slight_smile:

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Re: Wife finding it difficult adjusting

Give her some time najeeb. Its not easy to leave parents home and adjust in new home after marriage. She has also said that she has not issue with your family so you should relax and give her some time. Let Ramzan go by and hopefully life will get back to normal routine.

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Re: Wife finding it difficult adjusting

She is showing signs of her independence ... I think she wants you two to have your own private space, but she can't bring herself to tell you this ... perhaps she doesn't want to burden you ... You can make her happy by talking with her about a future plan to move out and that you can plan and work together for it ... Provided it is feasbile. Gvie her some hope for the future and work towards that goal ... that is all ...

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Re: Wife finding it difficult adjusting

Thanks D6C and psyah

My intention before marriage was to essentially save for at least two years and put down a deposit for a house that we can move into. I can quite possibly re-iterate this to her and inshaAllah it'll help her.

As long as she realises that it will take some time and i'm the only one currently working.

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Re: Wife finding it difficult adjusting

In addition to what's been said already.....I also think that fact that she doesn't have anything to keep her occupied all day is a problem. Its giving her plenty of time to focus on anything she may perceive as a negative in her life right now. If she's choosing not to look for work right now, then you should strongly encourage (perhaps even insist?) her to volunteer somewhere of her choosing UNTIL she gets a job.

Also, does she have any specific responsiblities around the house at all? Perhaps the ladies here who live with in-laws can shed more light on this....but I would imagine that she'd find it difficult to feel like a "part" of the family if your mother is continuing to take care of EVERYTHING in the house. If there are not any issues with her and your mother, perhaps they can discuss and shift some household responsibities to your wife so that she has something to do (and also feels like she's contributing to the family).

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Re: Wife finding it difficult adjusting

I'm sorta in the same boat as your wife. I moved to Europe literally 2 days after my wedding...and I've always lived with my parents and sisters. So it's been hard. Hubby goes to work and comes back evening around 6ish. So I'm all alone till then. I've started taking language classes so I get slightly busy with that 2 days a week. The remaining 3 days I just...sometimes I'll just take a walk, go sit in a cafe and read a book. Other days I'm home just watching movies or tv shows or something. Nothing very productive but I can't really look for jobs right now as I don't have a residence permit just yet. We travel on weekends so that's something that helps me get by the week easily cuz i look forward to our travels. However, during ramadan even that isn't happening so it's a lil tough. I also don't have anyone else living with me, nor any relatives around...so cooking and cleaning isn't a big task either. So yeah...I'd say that whatever time you are home, try spending most of it with the wife. Take her out even on weeknights...even if it's just for a walk or ice cream. We try doing that in the evenings...or when my husband goes works out, I go with him to a closeby cafe or something.

I recently bawled like a little baby to my husband about how i miss Toronto and family. So I get how your wife feels. Just...talk to her. Tell her you're there for her and are willing to help her out. Also communicate about the moving out part that posts above mention.

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Re: Wife finding it difficult adjusting

Your blessed if you have a wife thats understanding.

Do you have other siblings ? If your an only child then maybe she should reassess her demands of living separately!

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Re: Wife finding it difficult adjusting

Paheli00 thanks for your advice.

The household duties are not many for her, i can think of the following...

Day to day shopping such as purchasing meat or fruit for iftaari - The weekly shopping we both do together
Cooking for iftaari - We don't cook much and I am always back from work and help with this and with the washing up
Laundry - washing machine is downstairs and so all is done there
Hoovering some areas of the house

As far as i'm aware those are her only duties.

My mum from the start didn't really ask her to do anything as she didn't want my wife to think she's a maid. But the Mrs got into the swing of carrying out her duties.

There has never been much to do in our house and my mum does all of it if shes left to do so (she's like a robot and cant sit still, always has to be doing something).

My sister who got married and lived with her in-laws for over two years mentioned that she would have killed herself out of boredom if she didnt get outside the house and find work.

I personally think she has too much time on her hands and starts thinking about all the negatives and needs to do some voluntary work or at least get out of the house.

StoneCold - Thanks

Regarding living separately - when we were introduced and the pleasantries were out the way the very first question i asked here was that i would need someone to live with my my mum and she agreed and since then and even before our nikaah i confirmed that she was OK with this and she didn't mind.

Now I am willing to move (the Mrs doesn't like the area) and my mother will come with me, although i do have other siblings. My mum has stated that she would move with us but she would separate her time between brothers and sisters and spend majority of it abroad in Pakistan.

flawedsoul

I spend as much of my time with her that I can. I don't really go out any more, especially during ramadhan except for the mosque and on my weekends i am with her.

I seriously try to do as much as i can but i just dont have any ideas how to move forward.

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Re: Wife finding it difficult adjusting

what does your wife say about this?
have you talked about work etc with her?

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Re: Wife finding it difficult adjusting

she definitely needs more things to do apart from watching Jeremy Kyle all day!!!

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Re: Wife finding it difficult adjusting

Star Plus these days!!!!

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Re: Wife finding it difficult adjusting

I felt exactly this... And once once I got out, start work/study again it feels much much better. I found something to occupy myself with, have met new people and that's giving me less and less time to focus on the negative.

One more thing: If I understand correctly your wife has said that she hasn't propel,s with your family and is not talking about moving apart herself, no?

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Re: Wife finding it difficult adjusting

No I have not. She has mentioned that she needs to look for work but it was never really a discussion as the conversation changed pretty quickly (we were out shopping) .

I'll need to speak to her and emphasise these points.

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Re: Wife finding it difficult adjusting

Sounds like she's bored. Where do you live? There must be some volunteer work she could do somewhere in the local community. Why doesnt she take up a hobby with your mum, like knitting or something! Keep both sassu ma and bahu busy, much better than watching Gopi bahu on Star Plus!

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Re: Wife finding it difficult adjusting

What did she do before she married you? Doesn't she have a social life?

No friends?

Why isn't anybody suggesting making friends..?

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Re: Wife finding it difficult adjusting

^ Agreed. Why does your wife want to wait until AFTER ramadhan to look for a job? Have you brought her volunterring to her? What’s her response?

I completey understand when wives has a very hard time adjusting as a result of moving to a different city or country. But your wife moved 25 MINUTES away! :smack: So it’s not like she has to adjust to a totally new enviornment…and she’s in a position to visit her parents often.

Here are some more suggestions: You can also encourage to take classes for something she’s interested in (gym, cooking, dance, computer stuff, art etc.).

I think the two of you need to sit down privately (perhaps go out to lunch or dinner somewhere outside the house) and need to have a serious discussion about this. Don’t bring it up randomly so that the topic can be changed. Have a serious discussion about this and if she seems a bit wishy washy with no set plan…then perhaps you need to actually insist that you want her to find an activity that will require her to go outside the house for several hours at least…every single day. And its upto her to find that activity (job, volunteering, classes etc.)

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Re: Wife finding it difficult adjusting

You see that’s what i don’t understand, her family is literally around the corner, around 20 miles and we talk on the phone with them, visit them and she stays over as well. Different to my three sister in laws who have from Pakistan and have still adapted.

I haven’t had a serious discussion with her about work recently as have felt that she will do as she wants and didn’t want to push her to get involved in something, in hindsight i didn’t think her missing home or feeling miserable would be such an issue. She knows how I am and that i would nevere say no to something that she wants to participate in.

I actually made sure the computer at home is available to her for look around to see what she can do, i never followed up on that.

I think my issue has been that with me not pushing her a little i m in fact making the matter worse.

She just said she is finding it difficult adapting but no issues whatsoever, now this could be a smoke screen for wanting to move but she realises herself that it isn’t going to happen for a long time yet.

I will need to speak to her and ensure she stays occupied with some activity or another.

…also she was VERY close to her mum and her nephew who she pretty much looked after every weekday for over six months.

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Re: Wife finding it difficult adjusting

She had friend who she occasionally visited and that was all. These friends are still at the same distance from her former home as they are from our home.

She pretty much stayed with her family and interacted with them.

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Re: Wife finding it difficult adjusting

so she does have a social life? then why not suggest a girls night out.
watch some chick flick or something like “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” spa day
if she’s not working then she should have fun no?

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Re: Wife finding it difficult adjusting

Ok, iv just reread original post, she's 27, she lives only 25 mins away from her family, has only been married a couple of months and has already stayed with her family for 4-5 days at a time and speaks to them every single day. She needs to man up. Sorry to sound so harsh, but a 27 year old lass isnt so wee anymore, surely she must've known that life MUST change after marriage, and her's has barely changed. Is she the youngest daughter?