Re: Wife finding it difficult adjusting
Erm, she only used to see her friends once every couple of months but stayed in contact via phone/text.
Don't get me wrong she likes going out to the movies or bowling etc but its normally her and me.
Re: Wife finding it difficult adjusting
Ok, iv just reread original post, she's 27, she lives only 25 mins away from her family, has only been married a couple of months and has already stayed with her family for 4-5 days at a time and speaks to them every single day. She needs to man up. Sorry to sound so harsh, but a 27 year old lass isnt so wee anymore, surely she must've known that life MUST change after marriage, and her's has barely changed. Is she the youngest daughter?
You've said exactly what my friend said to me.
She is the youngest daughter.
If anything i make sure that i spend every minute i possibly can with her.
Re: Wife finding it difficult adjusting
its sweet that you guys are so together but once this honeymoon phase is over she needs some friends to hang out with and have some fun.
Re: Wife finding it difficult adjusting
Give her some time. It's always hard in the beginning. I think once she gets that car and she'll be able to get out of the house whenever she wants she'll feel better.
It's not fun being stuck at home with nothing to do all week.
Re: Wife finding it difficult adjusting
Aw man, I wish I was at work and wasnt reading this!
Nothing personal to your wife, this is just a general thought, some girls need to realise that life doesnt start after marriage, it carries on! You don't spend your whole life waiting for a man to come along and give you a life, you LIVE your whole life and then when a smelly boy shows up you carry on living with a few adjustments thrown in for kicks.
She needs a kick up the bottom, but she has to realise it herself, if you push her too much she may end up over thinking what your intentions are.
Re: Wife finding it difficult adjusting
You've said exactly what my friend said to me.
She is the youngest daughter.
If anything i make sure that i spend every minute i possibly can with her.
NO NO! You are pandering to her 'youngest daughter' needs! You need to show her that she is her own person who can have a life of her own, she needs to know who she is and what she wants for herself. It is perfectly ok for her to do things by herself sometimes. She shouldn't be depending on you for every single thing. Let her man up, and grow!
Re: Wife finding it difficult adjusting
women don't like being told straight up
you have to say it in 1000 words what you could really say in 3 words for a woman to appreciate/understand it
Re: Wife finding it difficult adjusting
Give her time.....She will figure it out.
Re: Wife finding it difficult adjusting
27year old who acts like a 20year old is awesome no?
Re: Wife finding it difficult adjusting
You seem like a hubby that's sensitive to his wife's needs and she's lucky to have that.
But yes, she needs to understand that she's married, she needs to actively give herself things to do and not mope around, hoping and expecting it all to automatically sort itself out.
Yes she misses home and her family, but she needs to get used to being away from them rather than going there all the time, it'll make her want something that's now in the past. She's not just the youngest daughter now, she's a wife and a DIL.
Her situation reminds me so much of a lot of friends I know who have married and lived with their in-laws. A 27 year old needs to do something with her life, whether it's a job or ambition or hobbies or something - maybe the car will help but it'll be no good if she has nowhere to go!
Re: Wife finding it difficult adjusting
Some people are being hard on her, I think anyway. You guys have only been married for a short while - some people have a harder time adjusting than others. BUT it is hard for most girls overall... especially if you are very family-oriented.
She's adjusting... so give her time :) You're being understanding, and at this point, that's the most you can do. Once she feels more at "home" and finds her place in your household, she'll start feeling better.
And yup, job will help ofcourse
Re: Wife finding it difficult adjusting
NO NO! You are pandering to her 'youngest daughter' needs! You need to show her that she is her own person who can have a life of her own, she needs to know who she is and what she wants for herself. It is perfectly ok for her to do things by herself sometimes. She shouldn't be depending on you for every single thing. Let her man up, and grow!
I think i may have exaggerated a little. I do spend a lot of time with her but if i am called to do something else for family etc. then i am gone unless we had plans.
Thanks for the advice Milly.
She does carry out her duties around the house well and there aren't any complaints. Its just that i want her to get involved in activities but like i said i need to speak to her about this and have a good chat.
Re: Wife finding it difficult adjusting
Some people are being hard on her, I think anyway. You guys have only been married for a short while - some people have a harder time adjusting than others. BUT it is hard for most girls overall... especially if you are very family-oriented. She's adjusting... so give her time :) You're being understanding, and at this point, that's the most you can do. Once she feels more at "home" and finds her place in your household, she'll start feeling better. And yup, job will help ofcourse
:)
I don't think anyone has said anything too harsh. She is 27 years old. Life is hard for everyone, ask a 7 year old, a 17 year, a 37 year old and they will all claim their life is the hardest. It doesnt matter that one is 'family orientated' Life goes on, she hasnt even had that much of a change for her to be depressed over. It's like she's choosing to focus her attention on what she doesnt have anymore, something she should have known will come with marriage, rather than try and build a life with what she has been given now. Her husband is being very supportive, if not pandering to her somewhat (dare I say it) immature needs. Yes she needs time, however, give too much time she will continue to rely on her negative thoughts to the point where she wont be able to let go of them. If she was a little younger and had moved to a completely new city where she knew no one, then yes, give her more time, but come on man, she's 25 mins down the road!
Re: Wife finding it difficult adjusting
I think my issue has been that with me not pushing her a little i m in fact making the matter worse.
^ Agreed. Forget pushing...I think its time for a shove! She's been married for almost 2 months. She needs to make the necessary adjustments and not mope around missing her previous life. You really need to insist that she start volunteering or start some type of classes ASAP while looking for a job. Without any strong external influence, she'll just continue to drown in her own sorrow.
Also, if things don't get better in a months or so......depending on how close you are to her family (particularly her mother or any older sisters she may have).......you may also want to consider asking her family for help. Let them know that she's having a hard time adjusting and you'd appreciate their input on how to help her accept her new role as a wife. In this particular situation, going there to stay overnight with them for several days and speaking with them every-single-day isn't helping. Its only making her stay focused on her "previous" life. If your wife is not willing to move on despite strong encouragement from you.......THEN the next step would be to ask her parents for help b/c I'm sure they don't want their daughter to remain depressed.
Re: Wife finding it difficult adjusting
I think i may have exaggerated a little. I do spend a lot of time with her but if i am called to do something else for family etc. then i am gone unless we had plans.
Thanks for the advice Milly.
She does carry out her duties around the house well and there aren't any complaints. Its just that i want her to get involved in activities but like i said i need to speak to her about this and have a good chat.
Good lad! Suggest things that she can do herself and things that you can do together too. You do sound like a lovely supportive husband, but too much support and she will never do anything for herself, she's not a bairn and doesnt need cotton wool, a fair, firm approach to helping both of you with your married life.
Re: Wife finding it difficult adjusting
LOL…yep!
If we were talking about a 19/20/21 year old who moved to a different city or country…then of course she needs more than 2 months to adjust.
But we’re talking about a 27 year old who moved 25 MINUTES away from her parents! No job, no school, and not enough housework to keep her busy. And she’s frigging lucky to have a husband and MIL who is ok with her going back to her parents house for overnight visits several times within 2 months of marriage! Seriously…how many women here would want a husband and MIL like that? And yet after 2 months…she’s still moping! 
Re: Wife finding it difficult adjusting
To this whenever she goes home to stay my mum will advise me to allow her to stay as long as she wants and don’t specify a day to come back.
Regarding going back to her parents though I have realised that visiting often is fine but staying all the time isn’t as has been explained by many of the posters here.
Funny thing is sometimes i do think me and my mum or my family in general are a little too soft. We just dont want her to feel like an outsider. The other sister in laws we dont even regard as SILs we have always said they are sisters full stop.
Re: Wife finding it difficult adjusting
To this whenever she goes home to stay my mum will advise me to allow her to stay as long as she wants and don't specify a day to come back.
Regarding going back to her parents though I have realised that visiting often is fine but staying all the time isn't as has been explained by many of the posters here.
Funny thing is sometimes i do think me and my mum or my family in general are a little too soft. We just dont want her to feel like an outsider. The other sister in laws we dont even regard as SILs we have always said they are sisters full stop.
By treating her differently you are actually making her more of an outsider. She should be treated how she needs to be treated, like a DIL. You are doing no one any favours by allowing her to continue living like she's part time married. Wants and needs are very subject, one should always aim to treat someone how they NEED to be treated rather than how they want to be treated. Everyone wants to be treated like the Queen of Sheeba but no one needs to be treated like that.
Good luck pet, you may need it!
Re: Wife finding it difficult adjusting
You sound like a very sweet husband Najeeb, and she is lucky to have someone as understanding as you.
Do you have any friends who have wives in a similar situation? If she is finding it hard to make friends, you could introduce her to your friends and their spouses.. sort of nudge her into meeting other people.
I agree with the others who're saying that you may be giving her too much attention.. she has to learn that marriage is not a bed of roses.
I'm jealous of her actually - she has the gift of free time! There is so much she can do..
- Volunteer at a library, pre-school, hospital, animal shelter etc
- Take up a completely new hobby (photography, quilling, painting, running, origami. Heck, the list is endless)
- Do a certification course or a full time degree
- Start working.. maybe part time to begin with (if she has a work permit)
- Meet up with friends (her parents live just 25 mins away - doesn't she have any friends from before marriage?)
Re: Wife finding it difficult adjusting
She already has a degree but all those options that you have listed i will propose to her and see how it goes.
The thing is i always thought and yes its my mistake, that she would just get involved in something herself, alas it hasn't happened.