Re: Wife and staying over at parents
Salam
Situation is a bit different here.
I live in the middle east and my family is in USA. So, I get to see them on skype whenever we are both online. lol! But, I don't mind.
Re: Wife and staying over at parents
my parents are at a 40 min distance from where i live...i stay with them every weekend...and i cant imagine a guy who will stop his wife from seeing her own parents...its the girl who had to leave the house..not the guy...5 days a month is pretty reasonable!
Re: Wife and staying over at parents
my parents are at a 40 min distance from where i live...i stay with them every weekend...and i cant imagine a guy who will stop his wife from seeing her own parents...its the girl who had to leave the house..not the guy...5 days a month is pretty reasonable!
Actually, a lot of people would call that excessive. Visiting parents once a week is totally reasonable, but staying over is a whole other ballgame. 40 minute distance isn't so great that it can't be travelled back and forth.
And you said you stay over every weekend - is that 2 days a week, meaning 8 days a month?
Out of curiosity, do you live with your in-laws? And does living with the in-laws make a difference to how often you stay over with your own parents?
Re: Wife and staying over at parents
I don't think there's any fast/golden rules or perfect formula for anyone in regards to how much time someone should spend with their parents post marriage-it's about finding a balance that works for all.
A friend of mine got married around the age of 30. Her inlaws were in Pakistan; her husband was in the UK on a student visa. His family were not as 'close knit' as my friend; and she moved 150 miles away from her parents after the marriage. When she asked her husband if she'd be able to visit her parents soon he would respond with no or simply not answer. He said he didn't feel the need to see his inlaws as he didn't have such a relationship with his parents. He saw his own family once every 2/3 years whilst he was abroad and he found that satisfying. My friend though grew up in a family where she was close to her brothers and parents. She was the one who read stories to her little brothers who cried like mad as her wedding (I've never seen anything like it).
Sadly this wasn't the only thing my friend and her now ex-husband didn't agree on and slowly it emerged they really had nothing in common. They've got a child together; but her ex doesn't deal with the child apart from turning up on the second day of Eid to give him presents. He finds that's enough because that's the standards he finds comfortable.
So if there is anyone out there who is wondering if the time they spend with their family is right/healthy post or pre-marriage I'd say if it works for you and your partner it shouldn't be an issue.
Re: Wife and staying over at parents
^ I agree with your comment - there is no golden standard or a single measuring stick to judge what is too much or too little. But, my own pet peeve based on the real life examples I've seen is that for some girls, by spending too much time at her own parents home (too frequent overnight visits), prevents the girls from truly treating her home with her husband as her own home. So, it's less about quantifiable time, and more about attitude.
What always surprised me is that girls didn't see their own mums going back and staying with their maika that often, yet they pull out - but why shouldn't I see my parents as often as I you see yours?
If that's a girl's objective - to be equitable in how much time/access she has to her family - then she should buy three homes. Her own home in the middle, and her parents living in the home on one side, and his parents living in the home on the other side. Now that's being fair!
Re: Wife and staying over at parents
I'm aware of couples where the husband actually sends his wife to her parents home every other weekend because the headache it causes him to have his wife in the same space as his sisters is too much for him; so I guess it comes down to what works for a couple.
Those girls with the attitudes often get sidelined on both sides once a 'bhabhi' comes along and their own parental home dynamics change. Attitude never helps. But then sometimes attitude is brought on by how some treat others.
I don't think (this my own opinion) that if you spend time away from your marital home you are unable to settle in and call it home; I do believe that both parties need to find what works for them and discuss things in an adult like fashion.
You grow up with your own parents; not your in-laws and that plays a big part in things. Unless a girl walks into a family and is taken in and treated (as far as shes concerned) like one of her nands she ain't going to cut off heavy contact her parents etc and replace it with the odd visit because they are the only people that make her feel secure the way she knows.
I think guys today struggle too in finding a in-between place between their wife and parents/family. Some guys don't see an issue with their wife visiting her parents as long as all her duties around the home are complete and his parents are not left alone for days on end. However some in-laws don't like it 'because we never did that'. It's about the relationship you have already and how it was nurtured.
I speak to my Dada & Dadi about twice a month-I visit them less than that. I live 60 miles away from them and my husband works long hours and when we visit we visit together because my husband doesn't have any grandparents so he's kind of 'adopted' them as his own. Although granted my Dadi's loss of memory doesn't help the situation when she calls my husband by someone elses name =) I don't force his to go; in fact I'm happy to travel by train to visit them as it's cheaper and less tiring but he wants to visit them too. I'd prefer it if he didn't go because my in-laws think I force him to go; as he struggles to open up to them and tell his family why he goes (he says old people are cute). This works for us; it won't work for everyone. I think a couple need to figure out what works for them; I'm sorry but I think in-laws (both sides) need to 'slot in' rather than one side me a priority over the other.
Re: Wife and staying over at parents
Actually, a lot of people would call that excessive. Visiting parents once a week is totally reasonable, but staying over is a whole other ballgame. 40 minute distance isn't so great that it can't be travelled back and forth.
And you said you stay over every weekend - is that 2 days a week, meaning 8 days a month?
Out of curiosity, do you live with your in-laws? And does living with the in-laws make a difference to how often you stay over with your own parents?
yes two days a week...and yes i live with my in laws..and mashallah my mother in law herself encourages me to visit/stay with my parents as they are aged and to give them company....at times even my husband stays over with me at my parent's place...
i have married brothers who are out of the country and dont live with my parents...so as a daughter i feel its my duty to visit n stay with my mom and dad in addition to it being a reward in Allah's eyes...
i am of the opinion that just because a girl gets married..it doesnt mean her blood ties to her own family become severed or cut off...
lastly..if the OP makes an issue out of his wife just being with her family for only 5 days a month..it will only create further resentment in her heart against her new home and in laws...
Re: Wife and staying over at parents
Maybe I dont undertsand married life yet, but why is staying over at your parents house excessive.
My SIL stays with her parents every friday to sunday of every weekend and her husband stays there too and happily!
Re: Wife and staying over at parents
Maybe I dont undertsand married life yet, but why is staying over at your parents house excessive.
My SIL stays with her parents every friday to sunday of every weekend and her husband stays there too and happily!
Nah Inspiron, I don't think it's about how much someone stays at their parental home after marriage. It's the way the time is viewed by her husband (is he happy with the arrangement etc) and her attitude (to some extent). It seems it boils down to communication.
If it works for your SIL then I don't think it should be a problem for anyone-especially as her husband goes too.
Re: Wife and staying over at parents
My SIL stays with her parents every friday to sunday of every weekend and **her husband stays there too **and happily!
The part in red makes your SIL's situation totally different. She AND her husband both do this together. In OP's case, his wife goes by herself....in fact, if I remember right from OPs past threads......he's not being invited to spend the night there by his in-laws or by his wife.
I think we're talking about situations where the wife visits her parents without her husband.
Re: Wife and staying over at parents
^ I agree with your comment - there is no golden standard or a single measuring stick to judge what is too much or too little. But, my own pet peeve based on the real life examples I've seen is that for some girls, by spending too much time at her own parents home (too frequent overnight visits), prevents the girls from truly treating her home with her husband as her own home. So, it's less about quantifiable time, and more about attitude.
What always surprised me is that girls didn't see their own mums going back and staying with their maika that often, yet they pull out - but why shouldn't I see my parents as often as I you see yours?
If that's a girl's objective - to be equitable in how much time/access she has to her family - then she should buy three homes. Her own home in the middle, and her parents living in the home on one side, and his parents living in the home on the other side. Now that's being fair!
I think she's right that its not about the amount of time as much as it is your attitude. You get married and become a separate family unit on your own just like your parents are. I also think our parents expect us to be more attentive towards our families/husbands.
It takes a while to strike that perfect balance also.
Re: Wife and staying over at parents
Alhamdulillah we had a chat a while ago and everything is now ok and we do not have any issues whatsoever.
My mum and wife seem to be getting along fine and so are the rest of my family with her and vice versa. The only thing i really wanted to know was the amount of time she spends at her parents and whether it is normal. Just wanted to understand the different responses.
I don't have any issue remaining with her though.
What do you care what the norm is if it's not a problem for you?
Allah ka Shukar karo the problems are solved and stop trying to find potential problems. Try to relax in your married life.
x2 sorry to hear of your predicament and you are funny :D
Re: Wife and staying over at parents
I've noticed that in many threads and realized this after reading your various different threads that what most of us end up giving "advice" (opinionated viewpoints) on is so very out of context. In many threads, the OP isn't clear on what their asking in their original post. People take a stab at it based on their own biases and how they intrepreted the question, and low & behold - more information comes out.
It is never clear what people are asking, sometimes they don't say it, other times, they say one thing but really are asking something else. But the information in this thread alone was not enough to depict the entire picture. When I first read, I honestly didn't see a big deal of a 5 day visit after her parents returned from abroad. So you'll have to take people's advice with a big grain of salt.
Did your wife go away before of after your chat? Also, was this an arranged marriage where you got to talk to each other just a little bit before marriage and really didn't know each other's constitution?
If she went away before the chat, it could've been a million things but here are a few..some of her behaviour could be passive agressiveness from not being able to relate to you & your family, or she could've been quite upset at your Valentine's Day gift and said "I'll show him!" and left you for several days or it could just be misunderstanding which just escalated. Hopefully, it was all just miscommunication.
Marriage is a lot of work but if both parties put in consistent effort and keep the lines of communication open, it will be rewarding. I've been married for 2 years but it still feels like we're working on finding our happy medium on in some areas of our life. We both come from very different family cultures & values & habits but at the end of the day, our long term goals are the same.
We did chat a lot before marriage but regarding going home, it was never something I thought to talk about, her family only live 20 miles away so I thought that yes she would go home to visit often but to sleep over for a number of days per month I did not consider at all unless someone was ill etc. I was naive in this sense because I thought it would be the same type of situation as my sister who doesn't really stay over unless needed but visits often throughout the day. Even then we all know it is about striking a balance between the two of you because a wife has every right to visit her folks.
We had a lot of issues but after the chat we lived together for 2 weeks and then she went back to her parents when they came back from abroad and stayed for around a week, came back home and stayed with me for a week but then someone in her family had an appointment and she slept over at her parents for a day, I did tell her to go in the morning but she wanted to stay the night. I dropped her off and picked her up the following day. Everytime I drop her off I ensure I sit for a couple of hours. The next day we were busy and went out together but we both felt unwell but even then the following day we spent at her parents home and came home in the evening. Now today we are both still unwell, I have managed to get to work but she is in bed and wants to go back to her parents to stay over for a few days and rest as she is ill.
I already know she wants to stay over next week at her parents and that is for a number of days to be with family.
For me I feel as though I don't know whether she is coming or going and I just don't feel settled.
Re: Wife and staying over at parents
For me I feel as though I don't know whether she is coming or going and I just don't feel settled.
Going by what you wrote on your very 1st post on this thread....looks like you're ok with not feeling "settled".
Currently I do not have any issues with the wife, they have pretty much all been resolved.
Re: Wife and staying over at parents
Going by what you wrote on your very 1st post on this thread....looks like you're ok with not feeling "settled".
We had a chat about this going home and I thought it was resolved. But it feels like the chat didn't get anywhere at all.
I asked fellow people on here because I had a feeling this would inevitably become an issue for me. I don't think it is yet but it has definitely started troubling me especially over the last few days and I feel as though I should chat to her about it.
Re: Wife and staying over at parents
**We had a chat about this going home **and I thought it was resolved. But it feels like the chat didn't get anywhere at all.
What was decided during that chat? Did you two agree on how often she would go over to her parents house and/or spend the night there?
Re: Wife and staying over at parents
Due to the other issues we had the only thing was that it would be a couple of days a month. Naturally this could vary depending upon the seriousness of the visit. But if there was a possibility of going during the day then that would be better.
I didn't think I would need to have a timetable as she has every right to go but in moderation and balance. I couldn't agree to go for a few days one week and then want to go again or even mention it in passing for the next week.
Re: Wife and staying over at parents
I didn't think I would need to have a timetable as she has every right to go but in moderation and balance.
Obviously there are exceptions during special events/health issues etc.....but for "normal" visits, your wife already showed you in the last 9-10 months of marriage that she's not capable (or unwilling) to strike a balance between her parents and what should be her new full-time home.
What convinced you that she would be able to do it in moderation now?
Re: Wife and staying over at parents
Because we had issues with each other and many of the issues from my side she has addressed and I thought this would also be one of them that she would sort out alas she has not.
Re: Wife and staying over at parents
So, how did you convince her of getting up earlier, interacting more with your mom/family , being more talkative/helpful, being less emo, the car thing?
From what i remember, those were some of the things that were bothering you from before.
Impart deeds to words oh wise one.