I just wanted to ask the married women here how many times they go home and stay over for a period of time, how long they have been married for and how far their parents live. I understand i’ll probably get varying replies but the more the better.
Currently I do not have any issues with the wife, they have pretty much all been resolved.
Re: Wife and staying over at parents
My parents lived in Pakistan for most of when I was married, so when I visited them there it was for 7 weeks. But since they moved back, I've visited at least once a week and will stay overnight once ro twice a month.
My parents live in another state. I prefer that they visit me instead of me visiting them because they get a break. For the four years I've been married, I've visited them 3 times for 2 weeks. They've visited me more.
Re: Wife and staying over at parents
I live 4 hours (by car) away from my parents. I moved out at 22 (in my 30's now). The first few years, I used to visit them 2-3x/year over various weekends. They never visited me b/c of my cramped apartment (and for a while I had a roommate too).
Since living with my husband, these days we go there 1x/year for a weekend visit and my parents come to see me 1x/year.
BTW, by weekend visits, I mean getting there by Friday early evening and returning home by Sunday night/Monday morning.
Wife and staying over at parents
My parents live 15 hours away by drive (two hour flight) and married for 3 years. depending on what's going on in our lives, I go to visit them whenever my hubby can fly me out take the drive if he has time off. If I go by myself I usually go at a time there is not much happening on our end and stay for a month or two once or twice a year. My cousin got married over the summer so I was there for a while and then had two passings the same year after and came back for those but my husband came too for two of those trips. It depends on his schedule, for big events we plan ahead but I rarely go just because, it's just not that close. If it was I'm sure we would be there atleast once a month on the weekends. We usually have our own events to attend here and see how our schedules allow us for travel back home.
Re: Wife and staying over at parents
My father lives 5 minutes from us. We spend time together every weekend. Sometimes we visit him during the week too if needed or he stops at our place on Friday.
Rest of the family is in another state, we all visit each other as often as we can.
I am glad issues with your wife have been resolved. :)
Wife and staying over at parents
Najeeb out of curiosity, do you have a problem with your wife traveling back and forth? How often does she go and does it bother you? Are you trying to understand what the norm is for visiting her parents?
Generally I would think it depends on how healthy or good the marriage is. Everyone misses their parents from time to time but when girls are at home more than average it's usually for various reasons going on with in the marriage. However I know one of my husbands friends who lives five minutes away and goes to see his parents everyday sometimes with or without the wife, it bothers her a lot because she feels she never has her own time with him and if she comes home from work, they don't come home together even though they get off at the same time he usually stops there first for an hour or two. Sometimes will have dinner without her, has kunch with his sister every day since his work is five minutes from where she is, that sort of thing.
Re: Wife and staying over at parents
Najeeb out of curiosity, do you have a problem with your wife traveling back and forth? How often does she go and does it bother you? Are you trying to understand what the norm is for visiting her parents?
Generally I would think it depends on how healthy or good the marriage is. Everyone misses their parents from time to time but when girls are at home more than average it's usually for various reasons going on with in the marriage. However I know one of my husbands friends who lives five minutes away and goes to see his parents everyday sometimes with or without the wife, it bothers her a lot because she feels she never has her own time with him and if she comes home from work, they don't come home together even though they get off at the same time he usually stops there first for an hour or two. Sometimes will have dinner without her, has kunch with his sister every day since his work is five minutes from where she is, that sort of thing.
In a way yes it irks me but it is not an issue yet so I just wanted to understand the norm and whether it is just me.
My in-laws live around 20 miles away. When the parents came back from abroad around two weeks ago the wife stayed over for around 5 days and came home last Tuesday which I was ok with because they had been abroad for over two months and she is close to her mother. But I don't personally agree that going for that amount of time every month or so is ok considering how close they live and that you could just travel there in the morning and return in the evening, it takes around 25 minutes to get there. Naturally each situation is different and sometimes she may need to go to help.
I don't really know what is the norm and neither do i want to be dictatorial (it's just not me) with her and raise an issue.
As an example Mothers day is around the corner and she wants to stay for the night which although i don't personally understand the need to stay overnight considering the close proximity of their house and I would rather her travel I do understand that she has always been there on mothers day and birthdays with her parents so I would agree that she can stay overnight but then on other instances I do not see the need to stay for a couple of days here and there per month for no reason which she has done in the past.
I don't know if i make sense. I will never stop her from visiting her parents house, she has every right to go but then staying over for a number of days when you can just travel there?
In a way the only comparison I have in my own family is my sister and she even from the moment she got married would stay over on eids and other times but probably one night every two months or so or even less and would much rather visit throughout the day whenever she wanted and then leave in the evening. I wanted opinions outside of my family dynamic to understand what is considered the norm.
With my family if my sister stayed over for more than two days questions would be asked to why she hasn't gone back and if they are any issues considering she lives so close, 20 miles again. In my in-laws home it is as though they want her to stay over all the time and that they don't realise that it's not right. I think it puts my wife in a situation when her mum asks her when she will stay over next for company.
After reading what I have typed I don't think i make sense.
Oh I nearly forgot we don't really visit any other time which is weird as I don't mind going over every weekend.
Re: Wife and staying over at parents
My father lives 5 minutes from us. We spend time together every weekend. Sometimes we visit him during the week too if needed or he stops at our place on Friday.
Rest of the family is in another state, we all visit each other as often as we can.
I am glad issues with your wife have been resolved. :)
Clear communication and understanding together with a pen and a paper and above all Allah's help sorted it out InshaAllah
Re: Wife and staying over at parents
Najeeb: In my personal experience, what your wife does is not "normal". I know several married desi girls in my city....whose parents live 30-45 minutes away from them. The girls I know visit their parents often (usually 1x/week) but those visits are not overnight visits. They go for a few hours or maybe even the whole day but don't routinely spend nights at their parents house UNLESS there is a reason for it (ie. a parent is sick).
And to my knowledge, when these girls go see their parents for a few hours (usually for lunch or dinner or whatever), most of the time, the husband is also invited by the in-laws to come over and spend time with the family.
Re: Wife and staying over at parents
Right now I'm in different continents but when we move back to the same city as the parents - I think I'll be going once or twice a month on a weekend - but just visiting during the day. Maybe randomly I might spend a night or 2 here or there, but I don't think I'll be staying there for the night on a regular basis.
Even when we visited family a few months ago - as long as my husband was there, I stayed with him. We stayed over once at my family's together. Then once he left the country, I went and stayed with my parents.
Re: Wife and staying over at parents
I live 20 minutes away from my parents. Have been married two years and i visit for a few hours every couple of weeks or so with phone calls in between. Have never stayed over.
Re: Wife and staying over at parents
wow i live very close to my mother so i dont really need to stay overnight but i do visit her alot but my cousins wives travelling vary as well a few of them r from pak so they visit every year for like 2 3 months, one of cousins wife is from london she goes every 3 or 4 months and stays for the week another of my cousins wife goes and stays at her mothers house for like whole whole months and they are in the same city so it does vary...
Re: Wife and staying over at parents
My parents and in laws live in the same city. My husband and I live a 5 hour drive away from them. When we visit our hometown, we stay with my in-laws. If we are staying longer than 2 weeks for a visit, then I will stay with my parents for about 2-3 nights. But if we are staying for a week or less, then I just visit my parents about 2 times during that week, but dont stay over.
But I do go once a year (have been married 2 years) by myself, and stay with my parents. Both times I have gone for 2 weeks each visit.
If I lived in the same city as my parents, I dont think I would be spending the night at their place. I would probably visit once a week for the day only.
Re: Wife and staying over at parents
My parents used to live 6 hours away and I would visit them every few years because they came here to visit us girls. My sisters & I live 15 & 20 miles away approximately 30 minute drive from me in 2 different directions. We're close enough if anyone wants to hangout or needs another person's help with plenty of space to make our own friends & live our own lives.
I've been married for a couple of years. The first year, I worked all the time. I came home only to sleep for a few hours so I didn't talk to anyone much less visit. Last year, one of my sisters fell extremely ill and my parents moved here to take care of her and now I go once a week to visit my parents and may end up spending the night as I hate driving late at night for fear of falling asleep at the wheel. I have an issue with falling asleep at the wheel when driving.
The first time I went away for a week or two, my husband realized how it is for me when he travels. And he is quite generous by not whinning when I do go away. But when I got sick with the flu, he took me to my parents house so that I could get better care from them than he would be able to provide with his busy work schedule.
I don't think anyone can make judgements as to what is normal or not. Different things work for different couples. If you are not happy with your wife spending so much time with her family, you should talk with her and try to understand her. Seek first to Understand and then to be Understood.
Re: Wife and staying over at parents
My parents used to live 6 hours away and I would visit them every few years because they came here to visit us girls. My sisters & I live 15 & 20 miles away approximately 30 minute drive from me in 2 different directions. We're close enough if anyone wants to hangout or needs another person's help with plenty of space to make our own friends & live our own lives.
I've been married for a couple of years. The first year, I worked all the time. I came home only to sleep for a few hours so I didn't talk to anyone much less visit. Last year, one of my sisters fell extremely ill and my parents moved here to take care of her and now I go once a week to visit my parents and may end up spending the night as I hate driving late at night for fear of falling asleep at the wheel. I have an issue with falling asleep at the wheel when driving.
The first time I went away for a week or two, my husband realized how it is for me when he travels. And he is quite generous by not whinning when I do go away. But when I got sick with the flu, he took me to my parents house so that I could get better care from them than he would be able to provide with his busy work schedule.
I don't think anyone can make judgements as to what is normal or not. Different things work for different couples. If you are not happy with your wife spending so much time with her family, you should talk with her and try to understand her. Seek first to Understand and then to be Understood.
I agree with you that the couple should communicate and talk with each other about how they feel. Often times we assume what the other side is thinking without really knowing their perspective.
On the other hand, I think Najeeb has a very valid point. What he's describing is definitely excessive. When I was little, I remember going to my maternal grandparents' house for weekend trips with my mother and siblings. We'd get dropped off on Saturday mornings, and we'd return Sunday afternoon or evening. Often times, my dad would come pick us up himself on Sunday evening and have dinner with my grandparents. However, this did not happen every single weekend. These weekend trips were once a month. And I had a very full childhood with lots of time spent with family members and cousins.
Since living in the US, where my grandparents were about a 25-min drive (before I was married and living with my parents), it was about the same. Sometimes we stayed the night/weekend. But most often, we'd go visit them and spend the day, then return home.
Now I'm too far from my parents, I go for ten days or two weeks every six months or so. But my sister-in-law lives 5 hours away from my husband's parents (one hour by flight). She visits for a weekend every few months (3-4 months) because its a short flight and the drive is doable once every few months.
If I lived 30 mins away from my parents, I would go see them once a week (possibly even twice or thrice), but they would be day trips and I'd return home in the evening. Since I don't have kids, I don't see a point in staying over night. If I had kids, I'd probably do the same kind of weekend trips my mom did. 30 minutes is a very commutable distance.
You situation is different and is not comparable to Najeeb's. You go to your parents after work in the evening, and therefore you're too tired to drive back late at night. Also, the situation of your parents' move due to the circumstances of your sister's illness is not common.
Another example I have is of my cousin who lives in Canada. She has two little kids, and she lives about half an hour away from her mother and siblings. She goes there about once a week, and often times her husband goes for the visit too. But she doesn't stay overnight every single time.
Also, when people talk like "I'm very close to my parents, and that's why I'm staying with them all the time," to me that's BS. Many girls are close to their parents, especially to mothers. Most girls I know are close to their parents, and become more so after getting married. Being close doesn't mean you have to sit on top of each other all the time. And just because one person is visiting excessively doesn't mean that they're the only people who are close to their parents and the rest aren't. Life is about balance, and everything is good in moderation.
Re: Wife and staying over at parents
Every family has a different norm, there is no standard norm for visiting your parents. If your wife is staying overnight and it is bothering you, then you need to talk to her and come to a mutual compromise.
Re: Wife and staying over at parents
My parents both passed away a few years back and were divorced. My mother lived about 6 miles away and my father about 20 minutes away. I saw my mom about every other day or so, with either one of us dropping by. My father came over to my house every Sunday.
Honestly, I never "went to stay" overnight at my mom's house. Since she lived so close by, and I saw her several times a week anyway, I guess I never felt the need to.
When I was pregnant with our twins and put on complete bed rest, I did go stay at my mom's full time for that duration since I needed help with my toddler.
Re: Wife and staying over at parents
yaaaar kya museebat hay, its onl my wife that does not go to her parents, yaar jao, spend a week, take the kids...but no :(
but all the other boys get to be geographical bachelors during summer, straight from work to devon, biryani, nihari, lassi and hook, cards, cigarettes..day 1, steak dinner at a brazilian steakhouse, cigars, movie....day 2, driving range, movie, sushi day 3....go carting, lebanese food, belly dancers day 4, and this is before the weekend even hits :(
kya museebat hay...jaati hi naheen
and you guys are concerned she goes to stay overnight...
okay, now lemme drop some wisdom and shyt... she has different roles in life, sometimes it is good for her to just be her parents daughter and a sister to her siblings, a friend to her old friends and not be worried about heading back for her normal life with other responsibilities, or also deal with you...regardless of how good your relationship is...and as far as staying overnight...are you freakin kidding me...its late nights when you bond...whether its with pals just chilling, playing cards, watching movie...or with cousins as a kid, ...let her be. she will be happy, and you will be happy because she is happy.
okay problem solved, now back to real world problems not these mickey mouse problems...how do I send begum away to her parents, so far I was successful once, and she was miserable, so now she does not want to go for a week :( i blame them for being crappy parents and myself for being just an amazing husband...wait...maybe she doesnt leave me alone because she thinks I will hang out at stripper joints all eve...but then, she has no problems with me going to guy trips or when i travel for work often for weeks... sigh kucch samajh naheen ata, kaisay bhejoon.
anyways, coming back to the initial point, i am happily married and the wife is cool, but in last few years I was with my parents alone twice, once for my dad's surgery, when it was just parents and us siblings, no spouses, and once for my mom's surgery where it was just my folks, my bro and myself, week long trip in both cases, it was refreshing to get a break from the on the clock responsibility as a husband and a dad. I think ladies may need the same type of time, ..ladies excluding my wife because as I said........kucch samajh naheen ataa :(
I stared and stared and stared at the date of this thread to make sure it was new. And unfortunately it is. I swear this topic has been discussed before.