Why the FOB-phobia?

Lifestyle Relationships
41

Re: Why the FOB-phobia?

I don't think it's as simple as the accent, most girls I reckon would be reluctant to marry a fob because of the perception that they think differently, can be very conservative or restrictive etc.

Also reha, it's good that ppl look for more compatibility nowadays and two randoms aren't usually just thrown together and expected to get on with life and make the best of it regardless of perhaps not having anything in common..

I don't think it's common for desis even now to get divorced for trivial or superficial reasons, it still holds some stigma, unless the girl is very pretty or comes from an exceptional family it's not that easy to remarry. Usually, divorce only comes about in our communities if one partner has cheated or is abusive or something, the old idea of 'staying together for the sake of the kids whatever happens' isn't so common but that's a good thing..

42

Re: Why the FOB-phobia?

I think its the stigma attached to being a FOB. Apart from the accent its more to do with; backwardness, and the three p's - posessiveness, psychoness, pervertedness...all three combined result in severe beatings of the lady with a fake Pakistani Levis 501 belt.

43

Is not self-assured enough to parade him around the relatives and friends?

Desi/Paki/FOB... show-off culture doesn't go away.

44

Actually, the reasons I hear these days for divorce are not abuse, cheating or anything like that. Its falling out of love, too much fighting, or some other reason.

What happens if you fall out of love? You try to fall back into it and make an effort to rediscover what you fell for in the first place. I mean, you spent your whole life without this guy and managed to fall for him. Im pretty sure if you tried it might happen again. The point is, the reasons behind divorce in our generation are not the dire ones we think they are. Ive heard of cheating, abuse but Ive heard of superficial reasons more then real ones.

I dont think staying together for the sake of kids is that uncommon but I dont think its bad either. I know couples who went through a lull like that and contemplated divorce but then things changed. They went for counseling and were able to resolve their issues. I think a lot of married couples go through a period like that but its part of their journey. Marriage isnt supposed to be a bed of roses all the time.

Regardless, my point is simply that being a FOB or being rejected solely on the basis of the place of your birth is ridiculous. Ive been judged because I was born in the US and I think everyone here knows how much I hate the prejudices that come with it...like being uncultured, not religious, having no morals or values, not knowing any Urdu, not knowing how to cook, being awara, etc. This is what people assume about ABCDs. And we hate it. We assume the same thing about FOBs and that makes it worse.

One more thing: most educated FOBs these days are not looking for the stay at home wife anymore. They want someone who can be a team player. That is a fact.

45

Re: Why the FOB-phobia?

Reha, what you say is true for sure. But I think when a gal says that she doesnt want to marry a "fob", she's referring more to that stereotypical definition of a fob.

46

I don't understand one thing that if American born girls are really so big on not marrying a Pakistan born and raised guy then why they do that ??? Though I live in a smaller city but I yet to witness an American born marrying another American born Pakistani . I know about 4-5 Pakistani couples who recently got married but at least one of them was born and raised in Pakistan . MashaAllah they are happy too .

One thing more I have noticed that girls raised in America sometimes carry more Pakistani values than the ones in Pakistan . I am not generalizing , but a majority of them are pretty decent . Similarly , they guys coming here from Pakistan are more American then America born themselves .

I think with this age of information and cultural exchange not marrying someone pure on their country of birth is not a very intelligent move .

47

Never had any problem helping someone. Will do it again. Someone needing a little push or help getting exams done always will appreciate in their lives. But that's just my experience. :)

Many of these people are needy, scared of new environment and naive. With time I have seen them becoming very successful and on their own.

48

Illegals, for starters.

49

I can appreciate the fact that they are naive or scared if new environment etc etc..helping someone is not an issue but when their close relatives who are closer to where these ppl need to be are not keeping them, then there is a reason and I dont want to inherit bad situations, sorry.

just like there are people who are needy, scared of environment or naive, there are those who are not needy, very aware of what they are doing and very chalak, users I will call them.

and thats for ppl coming for exams, what about people touring US and want to stay with someone? I dont know you, why should i have you stay with me?

50

OK. For relaives or known friends it is no problem.

For someone not known but is known through some other friend or relative the decision can be made on individual basis. How much time or resources one can afford and for how long. These guests must check before coming to tour and try to stay as guest.

Many times these touring people are just passing through the area and with limited budget only require short stay. In that case its OK to have them.

These people do need help and try to bring gifts or some token of appreciation based on their abilities not that it should make any big difference.

And "users" are there no doubt but fortunately not many. :)

I think it goes both ways. When someone goes back and tour Pakistan they may stay at someone's house as well. Mostly to relatives or good friends.

Oh I might add: Those who live abroad may feel even their good relatives/friends as being burden and forget that in past same relatives or friends helped them in their younger days or they had spent many many happy days together! Then these same FOB's/FOP's get mocked at being from village or pind!

In essence: What I think, generalizing FOB/FOP's or ABCD's is not the right thing to do.

51

I am not generalizing anyone :) just talking about my views on houseguests who I dont know or barely know

and yes, when people go back and stay with good friends or relatives its people they are close to, and people who are close to me can come and hang at my place any time, no issues. more than welcome any time.

as you said, touring people should not their travel plans before making sure that they have a place to stay, because assuming and then making their plans does not work. I recall someone called me once telling me their cousins were going to be in town and need a place to stay, and I had to inform them that I was going to be out of the country on vacation, to which they asked if it was okay for me to leave the keys with a neighbour..aray bhai, for my friends or close relatives by all means, but for fulanas fulana type of person I dont know u from adam, why should I? then they got upset that I was being a dick, well why am I the bad guy.

second is the assumptions thing, just because someone is staying at my place I dont automatically turn into a tour guide, dont become completely dependant all of a sudden, rent a car, use public transportation, take my city guides and go explore the place. i will drop u at train station in the morning, or you take a cab to the train station and I will pick you up in the evening, but dont expect me to put in a full days work and take you sight seeing or to restaurants for dinner.

and then what you do is not enough and you hear crap about how they did not have a good time. so now, unless i know ya, you aint staying with me.

anyways a whole diff topic on houseguests, desi or non desi, fob or unfobbed.

the biggest users that I have seen btw were this lady and her mum, who came from islamabad and stayed at someone's house for months, came to deliver in US..and then stiffed the hospital, well off family too, buying designer stuff but could not take a cab to the doc for appointments and the couple who they were staying with would take time off or half a day here and there to drive them. the time they could not, arranged a cab and even paid for it, the lady told the entire world how they were not being treated right and had to go to hospital in taxis.

then the same lady and her mum wanted to come stay with us, guess how quickly I said no. :)

52

Re: Why the FOB-phobia?

^ Yes. Agree with you there. :)

53

sorry but whats FOB?

54

Re: Why the FOB-phobia?

Can't blame her. Heck, I'm a FOB and I wouldn't marry one either.

55

Re: Why the FOB-phobia?

FOB = Fresh Off the Boat

FOB = Fresh Off the Plane

ABCD = American Born Confused Desi

56

These qualities are not unique to FOB'S/FOP's.

57

heheheh agreed. It's strange, but most Ameican Born Pakistanis I have met have no goals in life and are just plain weird ( maybe that's just my bad experience). Most FOBs I know are doing really well. 90% of people who studied with me at LUMS for their undergrad got into top universities of the world including Stanford, Harvard, UPenn,Yale,Columbia, Cornell, Johns Hopkins, CMU( me:) ), USC, just to name a few (and not to forget the oxfords and the Cambridges of UK). Several got jobs directly at Microsoft and Google (straight out of doing their bsc from pakistan). So I don't understand how these people are perceived as having bad accents/grammar/dress sense. I am sorry but they are a million times better than any American Born Pakistani (or Indian or whatever)

As far as being greasers, SERIOUSLY, every country has it's paindos and weirdos. Don't tell me you haven't seen any goray greasers. and have you ever checked out the grammar of people down south??

Given that I've seen the best of both worlds, I'd say HANDS down Pakistani guys are hotter and smarter. and Pakistani 'accents' are better than any other accents including American accents. ( i find it ridiculous that Americans think they don't have an accent.... seriously are you that dumb??)

But like someone pointed out here, marriage is a life long commitment, and you want someone you can relate to, someone who gets where you are coming from. I'd hate it if my guy didn't understand my jokes or my stories. so It's fair for a girl to say she isn't interested in FOBs coz I sure as hell am not interested in ABCDs OR Americans (why the [edit] do you think I am still single despite being asked out by a ton of guys at my office). The one's I am interested in (i-e Pakistani born Pakistanis) are either taken or gay:)

58

Well it's obvious these folks were chu$%as.I guess everyone has their own experiences with FOBs/ABCDs. When I used to live in Pakistan ( my whole family is in Pakistan), we used to travel to a different country every other year and often visited the US. We ALWAYS stayed at hotels, rented our own cars and essentially had a great time. But we always felt the old family friends who were settled here wanted to tag along everywhere or wanted us to spend our entire vacation with them, just so they could have someone to talk to about Pakistan and feed Pakistani food.....seriously we are on a vacation AWAY from Pakistan, why would we want to eat Pakistani food or discuss Pakistani politics.

and then there were those who assumed we were here for nationality or green card. There was this one fellow who snottily asked my dad "what can i do for you? job? sponsorship?" My dad was like I have 7000 folks( i think he might have said [edit]) like you working for me, so YOU tell me what I can do for YOU.

and of course in my personal experience, ppl who are settled here and have a stroke when I tell them what school I attended(and that too without any loans or scholarships.. GASP!!!) and where I work, coz they find that unbelievable for some one who lived her entire life in Pakistan, right until her college.

59

Re: Why the FOB-phobia?

Unless its love marriage, one should look to marry someone who is at least raised (if not born) in same environment/society to avoid any later relationship problems. Norms of the society have huge effect on people and if both belongs to different norms, going gets tough. Some of the girls have this in mind and there is nothing wrong about it

BUT

I have met few girls who use "fob" as derogatory comments (may be because its "in"??) which is plain stupid.

60

just goes to prove that idiots of all sorts should be avoided regardless of where they are from, anyone who imposes on others should be avoided, who has the time, whether its forced houseguests or local relatives who become hangers on.