I know what you’re saying red…but to me I just feel like we as Pakistani Muslims have established soooooo many qualifying factors in our potential mates that its becoming harder and harder for girls to get married. They dont want this, they dont want that, so on and so forth. An accent has nothing to do with how a man will be there for you in your time of need or make you happy.
But at the same time, you have a very valid point. What works for me does not necessarily work for others. I just wish it did!
A variety of things can be a "big deal" to people when searching for a spouse. I think many of us would like to believe that we're open-minded at all times, but I think most of us can be a bit shallow/petty/picky about various things. Human nature. And it's not only confined to rishtay, but other situations as well. You'll find people who prefer brand name handbags or clothes when they could find something just as good that isn't under a prominent designer label.
And we all have pet peeves. Certain traits, habits, accents, sounds, smells can get on our nerves. By "fob" your friend might be referring to accent or image. For example, a New York or Southern accent might annoy some people. Or a woman might desire a man who is more masculine as opposed to metrosexual. Or she might want someone who has stronger facial features as opposed to the pretty boy look. A guy might want someone with curves as opposed to a stick-thin figure. Or a person of a certain profession. Or maybe he prefers a woman who is more feminine than tomboyish. Many of us are like that, Reha. Many of us just haven't felt the "chemistry" for some reason that really truly was a big deal for us but may not be a big deal for another person.
It won't be fair to the guy if the girl is so distracted/turned off by one or two of his traits that it's preventing her from focusing on other more appealing qualities. If you're that annoyed by her, then you have the option of not being on the rishta look-out for her. InshaAllah, she'll find someone compatible wherever it's meant to be and however it's meant to be and through whomever it's meant to be.
But to answer your question of "Is it A big Deal?"..........Yes, for some people, it can be, that's what makes it almost hard to say what is right and what is wrong. What works for you may not work for her and vice versa. We're all individuals who are prone to being picky about various things. Different strokes for different folks.
It is true what may be a big deal for someone can make a negative impact on the relationship during marriage. No one should be forced or coerced for these matters.
However, I think the essence of question asked was why generalize FOB/FOP. And the trivial matters that have become big matters for ABCD's.
On a different note, many FOP's are not too thrilled to marry ABCD's either for many other reasons.
Okay…so? Some ABCDS are not that into FOBS. And some FOBS have their preconceived negative notions about ABCDS and may not be that into them either. Once again…all across the board…we ALL can be picky about other human beings and material things. We do it often but may not even be aware of it. I’m not going to confine having preferences/being picky/having pet peeves to just one group of people.
8?? Sigh… Anyhow…
If it’s going to be a problem, just don’t be on the “look out” for her. And if you still want to help here…then ask her what she wants exactly in a guy…and keep those qualities in mind during your search.
Matchmaking or matchmakers should keep in mind that the other person is not obligated to agree to the rishtas/suggestions posed…and that what is right in the matchmaker’s eyes…may not appeal to the client (I know you’re not running a business here. Just a general comment). The last thing that a friend or even a professional matchmaker would want is for someone to “settle” out of pressure or guilt trips from family/society…and not be wholeheartedly interested in their partner…marriage is hard enough as it is.
^ She’s lucky to have a caring friend in you, Reha. INshaAllah things will work out
Okay..........so? Some ABCDS are not that into FOBS. And some FOBS have their preconceived negative notions about ABCDS and may not be that into them either. Once again.........all across the board...........we ALL can be picky about other human beings and material things. We do it often but may not even be aware of it. I'm not going to confine having preferences/being picky/having pet peeves to just one group of people.
Good. :)
P.S. Your post confused me a bit since it looked as if I was somehow enjoying the tea there..Thanks for the tea.:D
My forgetting to bold my response in your quoted box (to differentiate it from yours) led you to such a generous conclusion eh? Sirf response tumharay liye tha…the chai was for me.
I'll be honest to admit that I would hesitate before marrying a fob, but I would consider it if I'm older, getting less rishtas or not getting any decent rishtas. Some of the girls who say, "There is no way I'm going to marry a fob!" are in reality very traditional and I want to say back to them, "What makes you think that you're going to be the first choice of someone who is born and raised in America??" I know... sounds a bit harsh, but seriously... some of the girls who I'm hearing say this lived in Pakistan/visited regularly, speak Urdu fluently with no American accent- even sometimes speak it to their siblings. They wear shalwar kameez at home. They know so much about desi music and movies. Come from traditional households. I don't understand why not consider a "fob" when you're so traditional? I think a lot of girls think fob=villager. Uhhh, I doubt your parents are going to make you marry an uneducated guy from pindland. If you get a guy from Islamabad, Lahore, or Karachi, who is educated, speaks English really well (there are people who go to American schools), dresses well, and most importantly can take care of you and treat you well, then why not??
If it's going to be a problem, just don't be on the "look out" for her. And if you still want to help here......then ask her what she wants exactly in a guy......and keep those qualities in mind during your search.
Matchmaking or matchmakers should keep in mind that the other person is not obligated to agree to the rishtas/suggestions posed.........and that what is right in the matchmaker's eyes........may not appeal to the client (I know you're not running a business here. Just a general comment). The last thing that a friend or even a professional matchmaker would want is for someone to "settle" out of pressure or guilt trips from family/society.......and not be wholeheartedly interested in their partner........marriage is hard enough as it is.
^ She's lucky to have a caring friend in you, Reha. INshaAllah things will work out :)
Yeah, you're right.
The thing is, sometimes (just sometimes) I think maybe we should have gotten married when we were like 18 because we didnt have so many filters in our minds. I think with age/education/time we tend to become more cautious and less liable to take a risk. We want things to be just so and not really willing to put a lot of work in. THis isnt specific to anyone, just a general observation.
The reason Im talking about this is because people dont really meet or judge each other the way they used to. If he has an accent, he is a FOB and therefore unworthy of a second glance.
Divorces happen because we look at superficial things and dont really consider what really makes up a marriage. What makes up a marriage? What is important here? I know you're talking about preferences and chemistry and taste and it makes perfect sense. But why cant we be more forgiving? Why cant we try to look past these things and see something that might be more substantial?
I was pretty much gonna say what mamaof3 said, once again, she has spoken sooth. mama, have I ever told you how awesome you are? I loved the details of your experience with a FOB. Welcome to the typical desi house guest from the motherland.
aahmed, thats why I dont entertain typical desi houseguests.
we get calls from ppl like, oh yeah so and so is going to chicago for this exam or that exam or this and that. and are pretty prompt to say I dont think so. so now we dont ge bothered hosting some distant relatives or worse relatives friends who we have barely every met or heard from but somehow its expected we would be hosting them.
ofcourse it matters even if the guy is same...its whats appealing to you...just take an example of a really hot actor....whos got the looks the job and when he opens his mouth to talk...u just want him to shut up..
i think fob doesnt generaly have to be accent....i live abroad and i know i wouldnt want to marry a guy from back home...and for me its about thinking too..if u think like a fob...and you've been brought up abroad...
there's going to be alot of problem
Well, there is this image of a fob these days...bad hair, bad dressing, bad grammar, etc.
I dont see any of that nowadays. Sure, kabhi kabhar phir bhi nazar ajatay hein leking these people usually westernize with time themselves since they want to settle here.
Seriously, this doesnt make any sense to me. Marriage is about how two people communicate with each other right? If the guy has the same ideas then who cares if his English is accented?
