Re: Why oh why!
Great article!
Marriage in Islam: The reality of the dowry custom
By Sadaf Farooqi
It all starts with the birth of a girl.
"When news is brought to one of them, of (the birth of) a female (child), his face darkens, and he is filled with inward grief."
[Quran - Surah Al-Nahl 16:58-59]
Preference for sons prevails mostly in India, China, Pakistan and the Gulf States. Deliberate abortion of female fetuses is not rare: every year, approximately a million female abortions are reported in India alone.
"When the female (infant), buried alive, is questioned - For what crime was she killed?" [Quran - Surah Al-Takveer 81:8-9]
Its not just men who perceive births of girls this way: women - themselves daughters - are also perpetrators of the "sons-are-better" ideology. Reasons for this are several. One of them is the anticipation of a future financial burden on the father's shoulders. A girl has to be provided for by her guardian: she does not mature into a breadwinner; rather, she goes into another family. Thanks to the Hindu custom of jahaiz' or dowry, marrying a girl off after she has been raised can be an even bigger hurdle. The father starts stressing years in advance about how he will provide each of his daughters a proper' dowry.
Dowry is an amount of money, goods or possessions given to the bride by her family at the time of her marriage, in order to attract a good husband for her. In effect, it becomes the property of the husband or his family after marriage. The matter of fathers happily giving their daughters gifts of money or property, paying for an enormous wedding feast, or providing them a home, furniture and household belongings, should be left to their own discretion. However, girls are given dowry because they are deliberately left out of the family inheritance. Islam enjoins that each heir be given his share of inheritance; it also prohibits ostentation, extravagance and unlawful acquisition of wealth. The custom of dowry involves all three of these vices to some extent.
A "gift" is something someone happily and willingly gives to another, it is not "demanded". When jahaiz is demanded by the bridegroom's family, its a way of acquiring wealth by twisting another's arm: a base behavior to which an Allah-fearing Mu'min would never stoop. How can one expect a marriage to be blessed when the relationship between the two clans is initiated like a business transaction, with each party trying to maximize its own profit?
Even if the bridegroom's family wants to adhere to Islamic injunctions and renounces dowry, the bride's excited mother, aunts, and grandmothers insist on the custom. The absence of a grand trousseau and luscious banquet displayed to their entire social circle is a sign of disgrace for them, because "What will people think?"
Hearsay at weddings involves typical questions: "How many dresses have been made for her trousseau?", "How much did the crockery set cost?", "How many jewelry sets did she get?"
The bride is sometimes trained to treat everything provided by her in-laws with disdain. She starts her married life expecting only her parents to "proudly" provide her with everything she needs. Gifts given by the in-laws are usually discarded or not used.
In Islam, it is the husband who provides for his wife after marriage. He has to give her a gift of wealth known as dower or Mahr, which the Quran describes as a "fareedah" an obligatory due.
"And give women their dower as a free gift, but if they of themselves be pleased to give up to you a portion of it, then eat it with enjoyment and with wholesome result."
[An-Nisaa' 4:4]
"And lawful for you are (all women) besides those, provided that you seek (them) with your property, taking (them) in marriage, not committing fornication. Then as to those whom you profit by, give them their dowers as appointed;"
[An-Nisaa' 4:24]
Whenever a Companion would request to get married, Prophet Muhammad [SAW] would ask him what he had which could serve as Mahr. When Ali [RA] was marrying Fatimah [RA], the Prophet [SAW] went so far as to help him provide modest household items for her, as he was the latter's guardian. This proves that if a Muslim bridegroom needs help in setting up a home for marriage, he should be helped, especially by his own guardian.
Sometimes the bride's family demands an exorbitant Mahr for her, negating the spirit of ihsaan endorsed by Islam. This makes it difficult for younger men to marry, thus opening the door to evils such as dating and fornication.
Prevalence of the dowry custom not only jeopardizes the lives of future female infants and makes getting married difficult for girls in general, it also gets transferred as a menace to the lower-income groups. Despite the existence of laws that prohibit excessive dowry, it is not unusual to find every household maid under severe pressure to "honorably marry off" her daughters. She goes asking door-to-door for monetary help, incurring huge debts in order to throw lavish wedding feasts and to display the expected level of dowry.
What can we do to eradicate this custom? The Government of Pakistan passed a law the Dowry and Bridal Gifts Restriction Act in 1976, that prohibited dowry above a specific amount to little effect. Existence of laws can only be effective if people have taqwa. Only if Muslim families truly fear Allah when performing marriages, can a change come about. How?
- By giving precedence to piety over materialism, Allah's pleasure over people's expectations, and fully trusting in Allah for girls' well-being after marriage.
- Not asking questions about dowry when attending a wedding.
- Remembering that girls are provided for and protected by the Best of Providers: Allah.
Even if a few marriages take place with an average Mahr and no dowry, the bridal couple accepting an initially mediocre standard of living, can a trend be set for others to follow suit.
Maybe then the birth of a daughter would bring genuine happiness.