sgc, thanks!
I think the purpose of this thread is to try to encourage and eradicate such behavior and influence that has crept its way into our society;spending without thinking and planning, sickening demands, and then pretending its normal. This is not just true for desis residing overseas, but more for the desis living in pak/india. I believe people/pakistanis with strong ties to india, tend to follow these traditions more strictly than, the rest ( i may be wrong). Although...people from all backgrounds are known to have various rasams..leading to the same agenda..
To the readers:
This is not a competition about who has more money, or who is capable of buying how many outfits...designer or not. I dont think its very nice to see people supporting the drawbacks in the very thread whose purpose is to discuss how such habits are destructive to our society.
Weddings are getting too extravagant these days, its kinda scary! Whatever happened to the good old days when people would be happy to see the bride and groom (instead of the food)! :)
My husband and I paid for our wedding entirely on our own—not a dollar of financial help from either of our families. Also, my family is gora and they are not familiar with all the lanaie/dhanaie traditions, etc. Nevertheless, my husband’s family pressured the hell out of him to buy presents for both sides of the family in order to save face (which was silly since neither side could afford to do it on their own, and as I said it’s an unfamiliar concept for my family.) So the two of us ended up footing the bill for that, too. Fortunately we were able to keep the cost down by not getting too extravagant, not giving out gold sets, etc., but I was irritated to feel pressured into providing gifts as a face-saving measure rather than as a gesture of love. Within two months of the wedding my FIL was already grumbling about how the expensive watch we bought for him ‘from my parents’ was too heavy, and my MIL was upset that the gift we got for my brother ‘from them’ wasn’t expensive enough.
We work hard to define boundaries, set expectations that we’re able to live our lives without constant family intervention, etc., but it can be very hard to overcome the pressure from the older generation.
PF, please message me privately. I'd rather this discussion not get further hijacked.
NYC gori re:
"We work hard to define boundaries, set expectations that we're able to live our lives without constant family intervention, etc., but it can be very hard to overcome the pressure from the older generation."
SO TRUE! and you live abroad, are from a different culture, and were able to afford paying for your own wedding!
it can be so much worse for families living in Pakistan.
that, of course, is the flip side to this argument.
it might be easy to say stop doing it, but in practice, it can be a very difficult thing. and when you have to spend your lives with people who think this way, its often easier to conform than go against the tide.
nyc, have you ever been to pakistan? people there will actually call off the wedding if their ‘demands’ are not met. this has become more of a ‘money making’ business.
rabia, your husband-to-be loves you...so i wouldnt undermine his love...talk to him, and see what he says. I dont think you should compare those people with your inlaws.
Chanda yes husband-to-be loves me a lot but his love for his family and parents comes first.
I think it’s great thatyou paid for you wedidng on your own together. I think that this is a step that is very important to proving independence and a signifier of a couple being ready to be married
nyc, have you ever been to pakistan? people there will actually call off the wedding if their 'demands' are not met. this has become more of a 'money making' business.
Not yet! Yeah, I'm kind of appalled by some of the stories I've heard. I realize our case was mild compared to what a lot of people have to put up with! It was a little bit of culture shock for me because my family usually has very small, modest weddings that usually do a nice job of truly celebrating the couple's love/commitment----while in the process of planning our wedding I felt many times that the mood of celebration and joy was lost to so many other agenda items...
I think it's great thatyou paid for you wedidng on your own together. I think that this is a step that is very important to proving independence and a signifier of a couple being ready to be married
I'm so glad that we did and to the extent that we were able to choose our own venue, menu, etc., I think we did a lot to prove our independence (and competence!) to my husband's family.
At the end of the day it is all down to personal choice. If you want to have several events, a trillion outfits, give gifts then go ahead and do it if you can afford to do so.
Many of you ladies here have had the events you wanted, so do not criticise those who want to do something different.
As for giving jahez, the parents only do it with the intention that their daughters will have an easier life – I do not think that there is anything wrong with wanting to eliminate any stresses for your daughter in her future life or that this should be criticised. Although it does not necessarily mean that it will be an easy marriage, because no one knows what life has in store. However, i do agree that this not should be given because it is demanded, but freely and with love.
another issues that i have been hearing abt is...the "rate" for mahr...girls in pakistan and india are actually asking for what the going rate for mahr is...and i girl i knw actually
promised her brothers a laptop frm her mahr money and eventually bought one for him too FROM HER MAHR MONEY...yes we the bride have right to ask, and spend the mahr however we want...but this is just wrong.
We work hard to define boundaries, set expectations that we're able to live our lives without constant family intervention, etc., but it can be very hard to overcome the pressure from the older generation.
true! but to say no once, is better than giving in a hundred times...
there have been many many incidents, where i have thought twice to say no to such demands, and I am thankful that i did!!! because I broke the chains...yes i call them chains... :)
I broke them, despite the arguments..despite my mother saying "wo kya boleinge" I didnt care...
even though I know i will be visiting my inlaws soon..I am confident that if someone brings up something regarding the 'laina dena" stuff..I will speak my mind...and so will hubs.
it may be harder for women who live with their inlaws, and that is where the other aspect of this particular thread comes in! THE HUSBAND! where is he in the picture..and where does he stand?
I guess Husband plays the main role... When he speaks for and do every single thing for, u feel confident and happy...
May ALLAH bless all...... May All have happy married lives..... Ameen!
Chanda yes husband-to-be loves me a lot but his love for his family and parents comes first.
Some things are easier said thn done.
all you have to tell them is that you dont believe in such customs...they cannot force you....i mean if he loves you, he should understand its against your beliefs....
His love for his parents? ok ..then he should know your love for your parents comes first as well..and you cant see your father paying for his family's extravagance...
After reading loli's thread i kindv got scared, i remember she used to come n get help for dresses and wedding related stuff... but when read this........ its really sad to see people like these still exist...
At the end of the day it is all down to personal choice. If you want to have several events, a trillion outfits, give gifts then go ahead and do it if you can afford to do so.
Many of you ladies here have had the events you wanted, so do not criticise those who want to do something different.
As for giving jahez, the parents only do it with the intention that their daughters will have an easier life – I do not think that there is anything wrong with wanting to eliminate any stresses for your daughter in her future life or that this should be criticised. Although it does not necessarily mean that it will be an easy marriage, because no one knows what life has in store. However, i do agree that this not should be given because it is demanded, but freely and with love.
Sweetpip, this giving away stuff in the name of love and best of intentions has been more than abused! hence the discussion. All the things that are expected to be provided by the girl's father, are the husband's responsibility! I think it only promotes greed! We know our society better than anyone..and we know thats exactly what has happened... people demanding shamelessly..and the other half caving in.
Sweetpip, this giving away stuff in the name of love and best of intentions has been more than abused! hence the discussion. All the things that are expected to be provided by the girl's father, are the husband's responsibility! I think it only promotes greed! We know our society better than anyone..and we know thats exactly what has happened... people demanding shamelessly..and the other half caving in.
yes. we cannot make demands upon demands on others. we cannot force our husbands to do something if they are already filling their obligations we cannot force our in laws to give us anything in the way we want it when we want it etc. we need to learn to compromise for the sake of our well being and our future generations well being too!
I really want to thank all the readers for participating in this discussion.
I always try to tell this to myself...the day I get impressed with money, will be the day I contradict everything I stand for.
from the looks of desis who are not willing to conform...it seems we "bleed" money..not spend it..
I wish our country gets the will to fight, but how is it possible when NO ONE is willing to change! Neither the men nor the women! its either the worry of the inlaws dropping rishtas...or "what will people say"!!
i say..let them...if more people reject such shallow ideologies, the word will spread, and the mentality will get a chance to shift its course.
I really want to thank all the readers for participating in this discussion.
I always try to tell this to myself...the day I get impressed with money, will be the day I contradict everything I stand for.
from the looks of desis who are not willing to conform...it seems we "bleed" money..not spend it..
I wish our country gets the will to fight, but how is it possible when NO ONE is willing to change! Neither the men nor the women! its either the worry of the inlaws dropping rishtas...or "what will people say"!!
i say..let them...if more people reject such shallow ideologies, the word will spread, and the mentality will get a chance to shift its course.
