It's sad how girls focus completely on wedding and not on marriage.
It's even sadder when parents of groom hands out an entire list to the bride's parents asking for everything right from groom's undies to a car. But when the time comes for groom's sister wedding, they have an entirely different mind set. HYPOCRISY AT ITS ULTIMATE HEIGHT!
What I find the most sad is that groom raves, and boasts, and flaunts what his wife has brought in jahez thinking that he deserved all that as he's a man and has done a monstrous favor to the girl he's married.
a point that came to mind after reading all of this:
perhaps the fact that we expect our parents to arrange the nikah/rukhsati and the in-laws to arrange the valima leads to problems after marriage. meaning, that if MIL and SIL were soo involved in picking out the perfect rishta/girl for the son, then paying for girl's outfit and jewels at valima and giving bari, they also expect to be reallly involved in all decisions made by the couple AFTER marriage. and the new bride, since she doesn't really get to see all the stress/planning/excitement that went into bringing her to the in-laws home in a "grand way' just sees them as intruders in her and her husband's life.
maybe this whole jahez/bari thing could end if bride and groom THEMSELVES decided to pay for entire wedding etc. that would just take off the burden from girl's parents and in-laws and actually set the tone for the rest of the marriage: that its a union between TWO people (not entire khandan) and they are the only ones who should have to deal with the stress, problems, planning, budgeting and therefore the only two who should have any expectations from each other. that way, inlaws won't interfere after the marriage either (unless they are complete idiots) and probably won't expect the bride to serve them like a maid :)
of course the parents and in-laws are allowed to give gifts...but thats up to them and what they can afford. it shouldn't be expected.
obv this suggestion is highly impractical if the girl or guy don't have a stable career yet and also if the parents have a typical desi mentality of HAVING to pay for the wedding and showing off to the world how much they love the daughter, but its worth a shot in my opinion.
100% true!
we did that! and my husband and I did not have to answer to anyone...no bari jahez issues...no gift exchanging issue (we had already given something to the parents and his bro on the nikah)!! so the rukhsati/reception was totally ours...we planned it..we paid for it...and we didnt need to listen to anyone's ideas or conform to pressure and such rasams!! Alhamdulilah!! :)
It's sad how girls focus completely on wedding and not on marriage.
It's even sadder when parents of groom hands out an entire list to the bride's parents asking for everything right from groom's undies to a car. But when the time comes for groom's sister wedding, they have an entirely different mind set. HYPOCRISY AT ITS ULTIMATE HEIGHT!
What I find the most sad is that groom raves, and boasts, and flaunts what his wife has brought in jahez thinking that he deserved all that as he's a man and has done a monstrous favor to the girl he's married.
u knw chanda...just few month ago a wedding was called off here in houston over a very simple wedding tradition ... in punjabi's (frm what i have heard and seen) the guys side pays only for the Valima outfit and the girl side gets the baraat outfit for the bride. Now the argument started frm the girls side...in their family both bridal outfits are by the groom side and well neither party wanted to compromise and they called off the whole wedding.
to answer ur questions...^ cuz of reasons like the above.
rabia, your husband-to-be loves you...so i wouldnt undermine his love...talk to him, and see what he says. I dont think you should compare those people with your inlaws.
"secondly, you can wear a dress again to a dawat! people do it all time..even the rich and the famous repeat outfits...its no biggie..."
^ Agree! I do think that one can get away with repeating outfits to a dawat...especially because most dawats will be attended by you and your immediate family. The hosts don't know what you wore last weekend :-) But again, if someone has a large extended family and will be attending many dawats, it makes sense to make more outfits compared to a person who doesn't have a large social circle. So I can see the argument both ways but moderation should still be mphasized. Just becasuse you CAN, doens't mean it's OK to do so.
It's funny that we are talking about this today becasue I was discussing this with my husband last night. He doesn't have a large desi social circle (lives in California) so I won't need loads of desi outfits. I know that if he was to be living in Toronto, I'd need more than 10 formals because I have a large extended family and we would be attending more dawats. What really works to my advanatge is that the clothes I wear to post-weding dawats in Toronto (as we will be here for a few days after the shaadi) I can easily repeat them in California :-)
exactly naqsa!! we are fixing to go to pak in jan 2010..and it will be the first time for me after the wedding..
so after plenty of planning...I have decided on many ways to save money..
one of them being...
instead of visiting each house...(we will have 10 days in pak) we are going to have 4 parties.
so 4 parties mean 4 outfits...instead of 40 outfits for 40 different dawats/households.
I talked it out with my husband, and he was happy to know that I can come up with solutions to actually save money! :) (although he credits me entirely for the wedding planning as well..where i got exactly what i wanted..within a friendly budget)
planning planning planning is the KEY!!
*The crisis that has occurred in families during and after weddings is mainly due to the over spending on the bride and the groom AND the extra gifts that must be distributed to the groom's distant family!
secondly, you can wear a dress again to a dawat! people do it all time..even the rich and the famous repeat outfits...its no biggie...
"secondly, you can wear a dress again to a dawat! people do it all time..even the rich and the famous repeat outfits...its no biggie..."
^ Agree! I do think that one can get away with repeating outfits to a dawat...especially because most dawats will be attended by you and your immediate family.
That's something I wouldn't do but that's a personal choice. Like I said, if you can afford it, go for it, if you can't or don't want to, there are always such options available.
Good for her. As long as she's not starving or selling her house to afford them, who cares. It's your own choice at the end of the day, your money, spend it how you wish. And Im sure many, many girls want to dress up nice and enjoy the time after wedding, this time for dawats, being the new bride doesn't really come back again later.. so yeah, definitely not a rare thing to do, infact very common.
That's something I wouldn't do but that's a personal choice. Like I said, if you can afford it, go for it, if you can't or don't want to, there are always such options available.
Pareezay i hope thats a joke, because the issues we are discussing are not dependent on whether one can afford something.
Everyone I know can who can afford a mansion, doesnt necessarily live in a mansion.
Its the practice, and the ethics behind such spending habits! Not a question of whether or not you can afford them.
a general note
unless, clothes that you are buying are made of toilet paper, you can reuse them...whats the point of spending money and wasting time getting them made, if you are only going to wear them once!
very well said chanda. i think u should go on some news stations and let the crazy people know!
:) i did!! Shezadi! i had an hour long show on the local desi radio station a couple of years ago..(lasted a good summer)..but the radio station had some financial problems and got shut down!..i would love to..once i move back to TX.
^ I wasn't implying that what my cousin did was WRONG. It was more stupid than wrong. I wasn't the only one who thought that way...pretty much everyone other than her mom agreed that she went on a shopping spree like she had never seen clothes before.
Please do spend to your liking. If that's what makes you happy, then who am I to say otherwise. I hope everything works out well and that you enjoy the post-wedding phase just as much as anyone else, including myself.
at you second point about mahr being a payment given incase of divorce...
I wasnt saying that, I was saying the exact opposite. That a lot of people see it as a payment given in case of divorce, which its not and its sad to me that people go into marriage thinking of divorce.
chanda, i honestly think enforcing stuff on people is wrong, demanding stuff from your family or inlaws.. but when it comes to one spoiling themselves and buying stuff to make themselves happy with their OWN money, i don't see why anyone should have a problem with that. how is that hurting anyone else and why should anyone else have a problem? it's so similar to that charity comments people bring up in the designer threads. you can buy a 10,000 dress, you can buy a 1 lakh dress and you can even buy a 1 crore dress.. do what YOU want as long as you're not going in debt and can easily afford to, or putting someone else under any burden.
im not gonna go criticize someone just because she bought 10 diamond sets for herself or clothes or 20 jimmy choos.. who am i to do that? like i have said before, it's a PERSONAL choice.
pareezay, and others…i really dont care how much money people have, how many outfits they are capable of buying or how much they donate to charity!
compulsive shopping=nothing to be proud of
bad spending habits lead to worse expectations..whether you are a male or a female!
and we have already discussed this issue of men and especially women making a wedding an excuse to spend money without planning!
I would like to share the words of my mentor, my mother, that have stuck by me.
"It is better to be known and perceived as educated than rich, even if you have a bank account that puts bill gate's account to shame."
People, Inlaws, brides and grooms, who spend ridiculously and make outrageous demands or use weddings as an excuse for all of the above....are seen as tacky, I dont care if they are doctors, lawyers, or business men, that has nothing to do with how they behave when they see an opportunity to spend...because what you see then....THATS the real them. :)
i think everybody needs to calm down and not make this personal. its a general discussion on the way things work when it comes to weddings- whether you are the bride, the groom, the inlaws, or other family.
at the end of the day, each family has different priorities and spending habits, and is in a different situation from all of us. each culture approaches weddings a different way, and no one truly knows what happens behind closed doors amongst other families. we're not in a position to judge- we can voice our opinions, and spend at our weddings differently, but thats pretty much it.
i hope that at the end of the day, all of us here can do what is best for us, and be thankful to God for what we've been given.