Why oh why!

Lifestyle Wedding, Fashion & Beauty
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alvena, the moment you find out where you are getting married, get to know your inlaws..be expressive in a gentle way, and let yourself be heard!
its a process...you know your inlaws (husband) will be responsible for one of your dresses..let them know your likes and dislikes..make it visual..you are not only developing a relationship with your MIL ...its totally healthy..and normal to talk to her about this topic...and its worth it!

this way you are less likely to get a wedding outfit that you dislike.

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Re: Why oh why!

I know how you feel Chanda...remember my Jehez thread? I find it so disgusting when people demand things, cash, cars, furniture, jewelry, etc. I want to laugh at them...because they seem to think things can make up their haisiyat and auqaat...when all it does is lower them in others' eyes.

Origin of word 'Genius'?
Origin of word 'Genius'?
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at times i used to want the same thing...but then i realized that even in white culture its only the BRIDE'S FATHER who pays for the ENTIRE wedding and the guys just has to show up in a rented tuxedo with a ring.

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I do hope so too midnighteyes!! people in general are soo frustrated with the nonsensical traditions like who brings what/where/ and how much...that it sucks the goodness out of the beautiful moments and the wedding itself.....all we remember later is that she didnt get this..or you didnt bring this...why did i not get this..my mami and tayee didnt like this...i wanted a 2 carat ring..or i am hinting my fiance to get me this and that...but he got me this..
take a deep breath..and look at the man you are marrying...he is yours..and you have tons of annivs and bdays..and eids to look forward to...let a wedding be a wedding..not a reason to hoard....

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^ Actually in many cases the bride and groom split the cost down the middle...

See the thing with white people is, they don't change their behaviour for fear of what OTHER people will think/say, because their community doesn't gossip like ours!

Why do you think pakis have half the traditions we do? It's because we have to "keep face" in front of others. If things are not done a certain way "batain bunaing gee"

Seriously 90% of the stupid paki rules/traditions/backwards gestures would be eliminated if we just stop giving a rats *** of what other people will think!

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Here is a list of who pays for what in western weddings.
Wedding Budget: Who Pays for What - Getting Engaged - Engaged - By TheKnot.com

Ceremony

* Bride and family pay for church or synagogue, sexton, organist, etc.
* Groom and family pay for marriage license and officiant's fee.

Clothes

* Bride and family pay for bride's dress, veil, accessories, and trousseau (read: lingerie and honeymoon clothes).
* Groom and family pay for groom's outfit.
* All attendants pay for their own clothing (including shoes).

Flowers

* Bride and family pay for arrangements for church (including huppah if a Jewish wedding ceremony) and reception, plus bouquets and corsages for bridesmaids and flower girls.
* Groom and family pay for bride's bouquet and going-away corsage, boutonnieres for men, and corsages for mothers and grandmothers.

Honeymoon

* Groom and family pay for complete honeymoon.

Photography

* Bride and family pay for all wedding photos and video.

Prewedding Parties

* Bride or groom's family plans and hosts engagement party; if there is more than one, bride's family hosts the first one.
* Groom's family plans and hosts the rehearsal dinner.
* Bride plans and hosts bridesmaids' luncheon.
* Groom hosts and plans bachelors' dinner.
* Maid of honor and bridesmaids host shower.
* Best man and ushers host bachelor party.
* Friends may throw additional engagement parties or showers.

Reception

* Bride and family pay for all professional services, including food, drink, decorations, and music.

Rings

* Bride and/or her family pay for groom's ring.
* Groom and/or his family pay for both of the bride's rings.

Stationery

* Bride and family pay for invitations, announcements, and wedding programs.

Transportation

* Bride and family pay for wedding transportation of bridal party to and from ceremony and reception.
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and well said SGC...reading this quote once a day before a girl gets married should be a requirement so we can all keep the big picture in mind. i have to admit, we really do get very competitive and demanding when it comes to our weddings and having really high expectations (whether its from your parents or your in-laws) always leads to disappointment and essentially, a bride-zilla that has already pissed off her in-laws by showing too much attitude.

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^people rarely do that though now. Its usually the couple that pays for everything...hence why its become common now in the US to mention the registry or say 'no boxed gifts' on invitations because young couples need every bit of that money if they are paying for everything at the wedding AND in their new home.

About what sgc said though...I agree, I think whether your in-laws give you a designer dress or not, it really shouldn't matter. However, whatever they do, they should make sure that its in line with what they did for their own daughter. I think its really hurtful if a new bride sees that her in-laws bought her sister in law a designer dress and got her something that wasn't nearly as nice. I've been blessed with great in-laws,when it came to jewelery, they gave me as much if not more than what they gave their daughters including family heirlooms. I never really cared about jewelery but the sentiments behind that, the fact that they were trying to treat me like a real daughter meant a lot.

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Right on!!

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Take the flower necklaces for example....you know the phool key haar. I have NO idea what PRACTICAL PURPOSE these stupid rose necklaces serve. But at the Barat, the girl's side is EXPECTED to get one made for each person in the groom's immediate family...so basically groom, his parents, his siblings etc.

In reality, most people usually will wear the necklaces for maybe a few minutes and then take them off. WHAT purpose do they serve?

I've asked around and I heard it costs $60 to get 1 made (in Canada). So basically I'll have to spend $360 just on some stupid rose necklaces. And I HAVE to do it, because it will look bad if I don't even though I'm totally against these necklaces and I think they look completely silly.

In fact, I don't even want to wear one on my mehndi, because I've seen pics of brides that wear them, and it bogs down their dupata and ruins the whole look of the outfit! UGGGH

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ok well then i stand corrected. sorry for over-simplifying things. but still, even in that list “bride and family” tends to show up alot more than “groom and family”. but i guess its a lil better than desi weddings :slight_smile:

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^ candy_apple...you do want you want to do!! dont follow anyone! if you dont want to wear them dont..it will be different....who cares if "people" talk...they ll talk for a couple of hours...and you ll be off the hook!

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So true! Who cares what others say? It's your day and YOU should make sure that you don't burden your family and your in-laws! And people will talk regardless! It's their only hobby!

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it sure is.... :)
and i dont see re-tiling of bathrooms, furniture, redesigning of the house...cars, suits and jewels for the grooms family..china, crystal etc..on the list...
so its a LOT better than what we would find on a desi wedding "who pays for what" list..

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lol that is soo true! You take them off immediately

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Re: Why oh why!

"Do Unto Others as You Would Have Others Do Unto *You" RESPECT is the key word and and many families have seem to have forgotten this--from both the girl's and the guy's side. The union of two ppl should bring happiness on both sides, but sadly so much stress is brought upon.

As for the wedding ceremony itself, one should do as much as they can afford. Getting loans is simply outrageous. We've all been to weddings of all sizes--at the end wht does one remember--"how is the couple today? Are they happy?"

Demanding in laws are simply a disgrace to our society. I cant believe some guys have the audacity to ask for surgery payments, specific clothing etc etc.

Being a bride myself a few months ago and being a future sis in law; my views are to keep things balanced. Both sides need to learn to respect one another; a guys side is not superior because they are the "larkay wallay." and the side that is financially better off is not superior because of their material wealth.

As far as clothes are concerned; guy's side should take the girls tastes into consideration (after all its her wedding) and the girl should stick to that budget. I certainly do not believe in the tradition of guys side buying both joras (this can cause a lot of pain on both sides). Stick to Shaadi dress by girls side and Valima dress by guys side. This prevents demand from from the girl to buy a particular jora cuz she has already chosen one to her own liking and budget.

*

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totally true! but since you're obligated, i thought i'd pass this on- i know of two places that do it for $40 and $48 respectively. the $40 is for carnations, its very pretty but super heavy.
the $48 is for orchids which are super light and you can choose any colour. PM me for details.


fasadi, its true- my parents are very even like that. what they do for me, they will also do for her iA. there isn't even any question about that. they've always treated us siblings equally and will extend her the same courtesy to her, because of course, they realize, what a HUGE commitment and change she is making in her own life by marrying into our family. i can think of no greater acceptance into a family than for parents to treat their newest family member like they treat their own flesh-and-blood children.

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^ awww that is so sweet about your parents treating your bahu as they would your own siblings. The reality is a lot of in-laws wouldn't do this so its refreshing to see when they actually do.

Thanks for letting me know about the orchids/carnations. I usually see rose necklaces, not sure I've seen it done with other flowers, but I'm willing to give it a shot.

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^ WELL SAID. My wedding preparations have been a nightmare because of people having set ideas on what should and should not happen in a wedding. Combine that with me marrying into a family that's not from the same background as my family and it creates so many problems. Every group in Pakistan, whether they are Muhajir, Punjabi or whatever, has their idea of what side does what in a wedding...who gives the shaadi jora, who pays for the makeup, what is given in a bari... thank God my parents have been cooperative and my in-laws are so determined to end a lot of dumb traditions. They are adamant that we give no jehez, nothing to the extended relatives, no furniture and that we combine functions...they want this because they are a religious family mashaAllah.

Rather than see it this way, my extended relatives are what WHAT you're combining functions?! and they think we are trying to save money. I really don't get that...even a middle class family from the West could afford a decent, multi-event wedding in Pakistan, why would it be about saving money? A lot of the time, doing things according to the sunnat (like having your nikkah in a masjid) are frowned upon there.

even things like mehr are made as an opportunity to show off, people will demand a ton of money at the nikkah (to say ohh he gave soo much on mehr) but then the girl never even gets that money because rather than see it as a gift from the bride-groom, they use it as protection from divorce. i've never quite understood that...someone who wants to divorce you won't think twice before doing it, and even if they give that money to you, it won't make you feel better.

Finding Bride ,transition from simplicity to complexity
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Re: Why oh why!

wow chanda, you spoke my mind, literally. i agree with sumo and sgc too. i think its bizarre to spend so much on your wedding that you have nothing left in the bank, or worse, go into debt for it. the filthy rich are exempt from all the expenditure but the common man/woman is usually not one of those filthy rich. so why is it that you need to display limitless amounts of wealth on your wedding sho-sha. do what you like on ur wedding, do it with style, most importantly,do it in ur budget.
brides should not expect designer dresses and jewels for bari. if your in-laws give you something, be grateful for the gesture, good or bad, just accept it. you dont have to wear it if you dont like it but doing a hungama or whining about it is not going to help anyone, and in fact will just create badmazgi.
honestly, i dont get people who make 50-60 joras for their "jahez" either because most of them dont even get used and stay in the closet and then a few yrs later are just given away or recycled into something else!
trends change so much in a few months that there is no point in getting greedy and just hoarding. my rukhsati was hardly a year ago, and since then, the shirts have gotten even longer!
my own parents wanted to "do more" because of the fact that everyone around them goes overboard on weddings, but alhamdulillah, after numerous arguments/discussions/consultations we all came to a good compromise.
by all means celebrate your wedding. but stay in a reasonable budget. dont put unnecessary pressure on your aging parents, or ur in-laws or ur husband. do what is in their means, and in ur means. stop comparing yourself with other couples and concentrate on the marriage versus the wedding!
good luck to all of u!