:k: completely agree with Jaanwar said. And as Psquared mentioned, doesn’t the guy feel it is an insult to his manhood by having his wife bring jehez with her? As a man, he is responsible for her. He can’t afford cutlery or a blender for her and has to rely on his wife’s parents?
Baree and Jehez are sooooo lame and actually turn out to be the cause of so much gossip. People get upset coz they didn’t get good quality outfits or their daughter in law didn’t bring enough kitchen appliances with her!! What the heck? Jehez really is like selling your daughter off. I also read a thread in the Wedding forum where the in-laws get such expensive gifts and they give nothing to the girl’s family in return. How pathetic is that? Why must the girl’s family give expensive gifts to the guy’s family? Isn’t it enough they’re giving their most precious asset away, their daughter?
I am so glad my fiance and I are staunchly against all these practices! Even our parents are against it and think it’s a total waste of money.
I know this is a topic which is usually discussed in Weddings. However, I think its a life problem now so Im posting it here because I want to know what everyone thinks...not just the soon to be brides.
I was talking to someone about this a couple of days ago. Baree and Jehez. Many girls dont get married in Pakistan because there is no Jehez to give with the girl. Families will not accept a girl without taking either a large sum of cash or expensive items in exchange for their son. Years ago there was a rishta for me in which the guy's mother called my mom and blatantly asked how much cash she was going to give in Jehez. My mom laughed and asked "Ive been out of the loop for a bit, what is the going rate for a husband nowadays?"...something to that effect. Needless to say, that woman didnt get a call back from us despite her willingness to "negotiate".
My dad has four girls, where will he be if he has to purchase all of his son-in-laws? I personally know a man who filed bankruptcy after his daughter got married...he gave her everything he had. A car, cash, money for a down payment on a house, jewelry, blah blah blah.
I think as girls we need to start breaking out of this custom by simply not caring what we get and maybe even (WITHOUT OFFENDING) try to get out of taking baree or jehez if at all possible. We owe to every girl's family to stop participating in this archaic tradition.
P.S. - Candy_Apple, this thread was inspired by your thread but it isnt an attack on you. :)
Alhamdulillah, my brother and I both married without demanding any jehez from our wives' families. I'm pretty sure if we would have, we would have got rejected. If enough people started doing that, then that should solve the problem.
Thats the attitude I want to see. Im against the concept of Baree and Jehez. I will not participate in it and dont think of it as exciting or fun...like a lot of girls do.
My mother will not speak to anyone who demands Jehez and wont take Baree from anyone either.
I learned that giving furniture as part of the Jehez is a norm in Pakistan. Is this true? Why furniture? She has to bring her own bed to sleep on?
Someone made a good point in here...the 101 outfits, the ten gold sets, the photographer and videographer, etc are also a burden on the father! Its true and its all part of it.
My opinion on the matter is...buy it yourself. Show people you cannot be weighed or measured by how much gold you get and how many clothes you bring with you. Dikhavey ke chakkar mein hum doosri larkiyon ki zindagi kharab kardete hein. We set the bar so high, its hard for anyone else to follow suit and measure up. It takes one person at a time to make a change and we as girls have the power to set the standard in each family for future generations.
well PS! From my point of view just give a Quran to bride for fullfilling formality and thats it. i strongly reject this stupidity
^^ so, was it fear of rejection that you didn't? ;)
The idea is not how much you can afford... it is how much a middle class family in Pakistan can afford, which is practically nothing these days. I'd say stay away from it even if you can afford... cuz people talk.
^^ so, was it fear of rejection that you didn't? ;)
The idea is not how much you can afford... it is how much a middle class family in Pakistan can afford, which is practically nothing these days. I'd say stay away from it even if you can afford... cuz people talk.
No it really had nothing to do with that. Before any of the rishta stuff ever started for us, we had decided that we wanted nothing to do with those types of traditions.
how about asking your husband to give you jehez of ferrari, and admission in french culinary school? :@:
in NA, 3-5 appliances are already there in every detached, semi detached house. and since your parents already invested enough towards your education (not necessary in education) so it is stupid of us gals to ask em to invest towards wedding + jehez.
but ya, we gals should stand against jehez, and if our parents fear that that our in-law will treat us inhumanely (may ALLAH SWT protect all of us from fitna. Ameen), then we better question our [blind] faith on ALLAH SWT.
It amazes me how we talk about honour and self respect and and a man should be the person earning the bread and butter in our society yet such low traditions of what you can call "Begging on demand" still exists. The male getting married should show that he can support his wife and kids prior to getting married. I see him providing all for his own home and life more realistic then asking it from his wife.
yes its not islamic to ask for jahaiz. but the trouble is tali dono hathoon say bajti hai.selective islam doesnt work. if you want to have an islamic wedding marry an islamic guy, not go after the ones who arent, surely marrying with the consideration of islam is islamic too.
jahaiz is bad but so is spending oodles of money which most of the threads in fashion are all about. that isnt islamic either. so is another thing, most people give preference to money, does the guy earn this much or that. well if you are going to be materialistic tough luck expecting selflessness from others.
yes ur right! infact now a days marriage has become a business
ya, pateela, daigcha, daig, teen ki pait-teee are soo much fun to buy.
and u know what we gals get very touchy about jahez, so even a saucer is toot, get ready for a fight then
…and interesting aspect is no one can touch those jaheez stuff
and even more interesting thing is, since we gals get a money making machine so buy, buy and buy more
Oh come on zobia, now you are just being bitter. It is so neat when they bring in new carpets, curtains, ACs, TV, fridge, kapray, jootay, bed, kursiyaan, table’aan… I plan on making a list and personally checking every single item delivered for quality and quantity.
wasay bhi we gals love to shop…so kia howa ager shadi k baad aik or baar phir say yahee cheezain kareed leen
ps. trust me, this is the best time if a gal can control her these material wishes the better it is for her and for her parents (cuz what i have seen is they barely use their jahez stuff) , cuz no matter what u guys have to buy em anyways
Hmm okay so I have a question for all of you girls. Most of us here say jahez is not a good thing. But who here has the guts to stand up to society. I mean go back to basic islamic teachings. Who here can say that they want a simple nikah with rukhsati all on the same day and a simple valima. (I think the basic requirement (don't quote me) is 20 people to attend the valima.
So no shor saraba no nothing. And once you are married to stand up to your inlaws who might not openly say anything initally but still have a hope that you will not come empty handed.
Another scenario I know of this couple where the guys parents said we don't want any jahez. So girl came, for what ever reason it did not work out between the couple. The second wife comes in again guys parents say no jahez the second wife refuses to sleep on the same bed as its the same as where the first wife had been on. So hence second wife decides to bring her own bedroom set.
I mean there is always reasons as to why all these unislamic practices go on. I mean growing up I have seen all my cousins friends have fun moderate weddings for me to say no i will not. I do not think that is one thing i can do, Unfortunately.
Hmm okay so I have a question for all of you girls. Most of us here say jahez is not a good thing. But who here has the guts to stand up to society. I mean go back to basic islamic teachings. Who here can say that they want a simple nikah with rukhsati all on the same day and a simple valima. (I think the basic requirement (don't quote me) is 20 people to attend the valima.
So no shor saraba no nothing. And once you are married to stand up to your inlaws who might not openly say anything initally but still have a hope that you will not come empty handed.
Another scenario I know of this couple where the guys parents said we don't want any jahez. So girl came, for what ever reason it did not work out between the couple. The second wife comes in again guys parents say no jahez the second wife refuses to sleep on the same bed as its the same as where the first wife had been on. So hence second wife decides to bring her own bedroom set.
I mean there is always reasons as to why all these unislamic practices go on. I mean growing up I have seen all my cousins friends have fun moderate weddings for me to say no i will not. I do not think that is one thing i can do, Unfortunately.
Just a thought.
You know what man? change starts from yourself. YOU stand up against it, be the first drop of rain, and someone will follow. I will inshallah.
Let me tell you something, our family (extended aka baraadri) has several rather fancy traditions and there is a party when someone dies. Days of 'maatam', lunches and dinners, and gossip. When my father passed away, Allah bless his soul, we stood up against it. It was a simple janaza and burial, nothing fancy happened. No 'rasams' were allowed by us. Then whoever wanted to stay for reciting Quran, was free to stay, those who didn't, they were free to go. Many sulked and I am sure there was tons of gossip, we didn't give a rat's ass. And alhamdulilah I am proud that we broke the crappy traditions.
When it comes to marriages, inshalah we will do what is right. If you want to see the change, be the change.
You know what man? change starts from yourself. YOU stand up against it, be the first drop of rain, and someone will follow. I will inshallah.
Let me tell you something, our family (extended aka baraadri) has several rather fancy traditions and there is a party when someone dies. Days of 'maatam', lunches and dinners, and gossip. When my father passed away, Allah bless his soul, we stood up against it. It was a simple janaza and burial, nothing fancy happened. No 'rasams' were allowed by us. Then whoever wanted to stay for reciting Quran, was free to stay, those who didn't, they were free to go. Many sulked and I am sure there was tons of gossip, we didn't give a rat's ass. And alhamdulilah I am proud that we broke the crappy traditions.
When it comes to marriages, inshalah we will do what is right. If you want to see the change, be the change.
Janwer Bhai wants a change - So can I request your hand in marrige to the wonderful Somalian single sister then :)
