Correct, this must have an entrance and exit that is separate from the family although a best is a separate apartment or extension from house
Correct
We would be getting a loan from an Islamic Bank which scholars have agreed that you can
Yes that is correct and she uses the money we have for gifts etc and I do not have an issue
I will post about this as thre are a few things that have happened but her behaviour has been consistent
The baby is due in less than 3 months.
Strange, people who love each other want to spend time with each other, many confuse physical attraction or infatuation as love. People who love each other dont need to use religion or other rules to justify why they cant be great life partners.
Correct, this must have an entrance and exit that is separate from the family although a best is a separate apartment or extension from house
Correct
We would be getting a loan from an Islamic Bank which scholars have agreed that you can
Yes that is correct and she uses the money we have for gifts etc and I do not have an issue
I will post about this as thre are a few things that have happened but her behaviour has been consistent
The baby is due in less than 3 months.
Here's what you do now: tell her what you want and that's it. Let her scream and swear all she wants. She is testing your limits and you should have told her a while ago when enough was enough. Don't be afraid of her reaction. Just be very firm and don't repeat yourself. Don't let her whining, evil looks, tears, and threats affect you in any way. You really have to act like you are done with her. Tell her if she wants a home with you, she has to act like your wife first. If she can't do that, you can't be much of a husband to her either. I don't think she has realized how blessed she is but once she sees your changed attitude, she will start to miss you and hopefully that will make her appreciate you more. The best thing you can do right now is ignore her whining as if it doesn't affect you. You need to stop being scared of her reaction.
She initially stated she was going for two days (1 night) to babysit and delivery man but after our argument she said she was going and not coming back. So she went in the morning after I went to work but the next day she never came back but I thought nothing of it. I had not text her anything at this point but on the third day I text her stating that you decided to leave and I've accepted that but if you decide to come back then please understand that I have spoken to our teachers and they have recommended us to speak to them and a marriage councillor they have available and that this from my perspective in non-negotiable.
She did not reply and came back the same day. She walked in whilst I was there and didn't reply to my salaam and jumped in bed like she was ill, exactly what she normally does. So I carried on doing whatever I was doing and after that I went downstairs as I had decided that I am not going to have an argument and if she wants to talk then she can speak to me and let me know. A couple of hours later she was still in bed so I went up and before going to bed I asked her whether she had eaten and she didn't really reply so I got her a takeaway and she ate and we just went to sleep.
Come the next day and whilst at work she texted me saying how she had come back to speak to me and how I was rude by not talking to her? This is exactly what she always does, I have to run to her. She stated that she has had enough of being controlled and she will not speak to a councillor at all and that she wants to speak to me regarding our marriage.
That very day she went back to her parents for due to family member arriving back from abroad and I picked her up as I had to go to see the family as well. We got back late and just went to sleep. Funny thing is whilst there she was asked a number of occasions why she wasn't going to stay the night.
Today we still haven't spoken about it but everything seems calm.
I have decided that I am not going to bring anything up with her at all if she wants to talk to me she can. I know she will never listen as this is a repetition of exactly every other argument and she will just screams do say she is going so I am simply going to state that our teachers have advised not to have a discussion regarding our issues as clearly wr don't get anywhere and that we need to speak to them and if she regards our marriage to be important then she will understand that all I'm trying to do is fix things.
I'm too tired to have another argument when I already know the outcome. I can tell her to leave but here's nothing clearer to a person than a neutral person well versed stating what is right and what is wrong.
I will not budge from the above and will not indulge in any argument, my answers will be the same that we need to speak to them.
I understand people will day put your foot down but it really isn't going to work, she will not listen to reason and I've been her many a time before. I suppose if I laid down ground rules at the start I probably wouldn't have been in such a situation but I can't look back only forward insha-Allah
Sorry this is total Bs. Seems like your wife is needed at her parents and there are things that need to get done there and I don't see how her being there is disrupting your household except by being a pressure on your mardaangi to control your wife. Let her do what she wants and back off.
I don't get why she has to sit in your home with her family but when her family needs her for help around the home she can't go home? Why does she need to run this by you? Your kid isn't born yet. It's in her womb and she is already carrying it around and feeding it through her umbilical cord. How is your home being neglected?? She has to sit with your mom but she can't sit with hers? And the frequency with which she is visiting isn't much. I have a cousin who stays with her mom 4 days out of 7 since the parents are old and alone and that way grandparents get time with their grandkids and her husband doesn't complain. He works with her on dividing her time equally between his family and hers so everyone gets a chance to see the grandkids.
Never saw such old fashioned ideas in this thread. Her parents don't even live that far away so let her take advantage of seeing her mom before she dies. God. Someone stops me from seeing my mom during the day and forces me to sit with my mother in law and waste my time, sorry. That's unreasonable.
I don't get why she has to sit in your home with her family but when her family needs her for help around the home she can't go home? Why does she need to run this by you? Your kid isn't born yet. It's in her womb and she is already carrying it around and feeding it through her umbilical cord. How is your home being neglected?? She has to sit with your mom but she can't sit with hers? And the frequency with which she is visiting isn't much. I have a cousin who stays with her mom 4 days out of 7 since the parents are old and alone and that way grandparents get time with their grandkids and her husband doesn't complain. He works with her on dividing her time equally between his family and hers so everyone gets a chance to see the grandkids.
Never saw such old fashioned ideas in this thread. Her parents don't even live that far away so let her take advantage of seeing her mom before she dies. God. Someone stops me from seeing my mom during the day and forces me to sit with my mother in law and waste my time, sorry. That's unreasonable.
So you wouldn't even inform your husband before you leave the house to go somewhere and how long you will be staying out? This much courtesy is expected in all cultures and families. There is no relationship if you think your spouse isn't worthy of being informed. That's totally disrespectful. Also, dear Islam also tells Muslim wives to obey their husbands and I have read your blog and you seem to think you are a good Muslim. Don't twist religion to suit your needs. You have two big reasons to be following these rules: it's required in culture and religion.
How would you feel if your hone-wala went to see his family and stayed there for hours without ever informing you or consulting you? Also, her mother does not live alone, she lives with her other siblings who are all adults and capable of taking care of their mother. She neglects her own home while she happily volunteers to take care of whatever and whenever she is needed for. Why the hell did she even get married if she wanted zero responsibility? She doesn't have a job, she does bare minimum in the house and that too when she wants to. His mom takes care of herself. Why does she have so many nakhray? He is even getting her a HOUSE. She is like a pregnant 10 year old. That's how she is behaving. If I were Difficulty, I would have been sick of her already. Imagine being married to a person who only cared about his rights and never appreciated you!
OP I read your post. The only post I read in the thread.
You are getting new house. And you too like each other.
So delete this thread... throw your computer away.
Wait till you move to new place. Things would be fine.
Also when have small kids .. you not home to help.. then "those trips" would come handy.
so...
:D PS: you have one 100 issues with her. yet you say "she is good wife". I think you meant you like how she looks.
Don;t answer that.
Theorist this dude is exaggerating. He wants her to be tied to his home. 24-7 and wants to control where she goes.
No I don't expect him to tell me every little detail of his day. I'd probably find out later. If he goes and visits someone or talks to someone he doesn't need to be telling me every detail. This guy already is keeping tabs on her - he knows where she is clearly he picks her up. It's the fact she isn't asking his PERMISSION before she goes that bothers him. If her mom lived in another state far away, I'd get it. But she lives 10 min away. He knows that if she isn't at home she is probably there. Big deal. He wants to spend time with her he can call her and tell her he needs her or wants to go out or whatever. She won't refuse. He just wants her running every part of her day's plan by him. She isn't a kid. He is treating her like one.
If my husband goes to visit his friend or cousin today and I find out 2 days later when he mentions by and by, I wouldn't freak out about it. I'd say "oh that's nice".
As for Islam, no husband has this much authority that her daily movement has to be cleared by husband or that he has a right to block her. Her mom lives 10 miles away. That's a 10-15 min drive or 30
Min if you are going through suburban red lights. Big frikkin deal. She doesn't need her mom to be sick to see her. If she goes and sits with her family for a bit and they're nearby then oh well. Her kid isn't born yet. It's not like by spending some time there she is taking away from duties in his home.
Really people. Where does Islam come on this? Islam wise, this dude is being oppressive.
PCG I don't think you're grasping what he is saying and I don't think you can understand because when I was in your shoes - I didn't either. It has zilch to do with control and more to do with what a family is. A unit. A unit is not built with one member absent and only present when needed.
I think he is doing the right thing. He has to create a family before his child is old enough to understand and that doesn't happen overnight.
Stay strong OP - this will be good for you guys in the long run. She won't get it right now but she will later.
Family doesn't mean you abandon your mom because you're a woman.
Right...this is exactly what I mean though. You're not going to understand this because I didn't either when I was in your shoes.
When you get married, you don't do it to be a wife/mother when you have spare time from your other fun filled activities. They don't call it a full time job for nothing. Your priorities are in this order: Your home and THEN your parents' home. If you don't like that idea, you are not married...you're playing house. And these realities do not set in until you're actually living that life. So this won't make any sense to you right now.
Both parties are at fault here. It seems to be a power/ control issue. My husband would not stop me or say anything to me if I were to go to my parents' house so often . But I wouldn't do that anyways. 'Cause like others have said you have to make a home. However, the OP should use words like "could you inform me", instead of "you did not take permission". Pus its ok if she visits her parents more than once a week as long as she is fulfilling her responsibilities and comes back before her husband does. Most wives avoid non essential phone calls when the spouses are together. I am surprised that the wife's family has turned her into a free babysitter while they work. Its ok to help out sometimes but not all the time like that. Perhaps they could drop their kids off to the OP's house if they need help?
OP, try to be supporting and romantic too as someone suggested. Words can do wonders. Take her out and talk about the baby and avoid controversial topics. Let her visit her parents' house during this time. Once communication is more open and the realtionship loving rather than toxic, you can try talking to her.
You keep saying the same thing over and over and instead of doing something about it somehow thinks that she will magically change her attitude.
Why should she when you keep giving in to her whims and lack the backbone to get yourself respected?
You keep saying the same thing over and over and instead of doing something about it somehow thinks that she will magically change her attitude.
Why should she when you keep giving in to her whims and lack the backbone to get yourself respected?
I have spoken to our teacher and he is waiting for me to speak to my wife about a date. I know I cannot get through to her.
Op, have you guys started baby shopping? Have you guys decided on a name for baby? Is the baby sleeping in a crib or co-sleeping? Are you guys bf or ff? I don't need these answers but they are good conversation topics for you and your wife, instead of constantly arguing on the same thing and bringing a teacher in, especially when your wife gets irritated with that teacher.
I have spoken to our teacher and he is waiting for me to speak to my wife about a date. I know I cannot get through to her.
With all due respect to the well-learned and Islamically knowledgable, can you please grow up and act like a man, a married man, a responsible mature adult and STOP consulting your sheikhs, teachers etc. Allah swt has blessed you with a brain and common sense. I'm afraid she has a point here in that you two need to talk it through instead of involving third parties in your relationship and clearly you just want them to side with you and get them to knock some sense into her.
She may not be perfect but neither are you, so start looking inwards and dealing with it like a mature adult instead of running to your teachers. Urghhh.
Btw, I am all for couples counselling, marriage courses etc that you mutually do together and enjoy the experience, but not forcing dogmatic crap down her throat.
You must be at fault somewhere - can you admit to any shortcomings that you may have that may have caused this?
Stop with the sheikhs etc and I agree with the last poster bout the baby etc.
With all due respect to the well-learned and Islamically knowledgable, can you please grow up and act like a man, a married man, a responsible mature adult and STOP consulting your sheikhs, teachers etc. Allah swt has blessed you with a brain and common sense. I'm afraid she has a point here in that you two need to talk it through instead of involving third parties in your relationship and clearly you just want them to side with you and get them to knock some sense into her.
She may not be perfect but neither are you, so start looking inwards and dealing with it like a mature adult instead of running to your teachers. Urghhh.
Btw, I am all for couples counselling, marriage courses etc that you mutually do together and enjoy the experience, but not forcing dogmatic crap down her throat.
You must be at fault somewhere - can you admit to any shortcomings that you may have that may have caused this?
Stop with the sheikhs etc and I agree with the last poster bout the baby etc.
EXACTLY!! This is the advice you should follow.
If she is reluctant about counseling or involving any third party then you should respect that. Even if she unwillingly go to a sheikh with you then she will perhaps not cooperate much. Sheikh will take your side and you will get another justification for how you feel about her as a wife. This could have bad consequences. Even if she is a worst wife, she is carrying your baby. This is her time, try to relax her and postpone visit to your sheikh until baby gets 6 months old. Too much stress in pregnancy could have many negative consequences God forbid.
Please, as above poster said, your a MAN, act like one. Don't try too hard to bend or fix her. Show patience, appreciate good things about her (I am sure she has some good qualities too). Reflect on your own mistakes. If you dislike something, state it clearly and stick to your grounds. Do not try to make her realize her mistakes or expect her to 100% understand your thoughts (well it never works with women :D ).