Re: What to do
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Re: What to do
Maybe when she has the baby, she will change as she will have more responsibility. I don't think you need to move to another place, especially a bigger place with a new baby. Babies are lot of work, they are a wake up call, I hope and pray that things get better for both of you. I would strongly recommend to keep her in your home when the baby comes, don't fall for that chilla tradition at mother's place. This is your chance to build your relationship with your wife and the new child. No matter what she says, stick to your guns. If she says I need help from my family, you can simply tell her they are welcomed to come over to "her home" and help her. If her mother tries to talk to you into leaving her at your MIL's place, be polite but firm that you want your wife and child with you. I hope that will get the message to both your wife and her family.
Re: What to do
I mentioned once ages ago about me working for her and she stated that I was working before I met her and I'm still working so my life isn't any different. I then said I let you spend whatever you want, you have your own card and she replied that I hardly spend anything so there is no difference in your life. You live in the same house, same job, same people and everything is different for me
She then proceeded to say that she now cooks for me and washes and irons my clothes and before marriage naturally she wasn't doing these things for me as we weren't together. So she puts more in then me into this marriage and there is more change to her lifestyle
I was shocked as whenever see a load of clothes ready to wash I'll wash them and iron them all myself the only reason I can't is because she stops me or because it is done during the day once a week
How do you say to your spouse you cannot be available 'on-call' for everyone in your family and you need to do things in our town. She will just say you are selfish. When someone has no desire to do anything other than go to parents under the pretext that something needs to be done you cannot win.
She goes at least once a week minimum and all I'm waiting for the moment everyday when she says I need to go again or I need to stay for such and such reason etc mainly because sister and hubby are at work and mum needs me to babysit.
You can do a few things:
Make her see that she is not as welcome in her mother's home as she thinks she is. Just as she was not okay having her SILs stay over all the time, her own SILs may not be okay with her being there so much regardless of them not saying anything to her face.
Ask your wife to ask her mother whether other women in her family stay at maikay for this long and this often. She may see she is a bit out of line even if her mother thinks she is coming over too much.
Talk to her mother in private. Don't make a big deal out of it but tell her this is affecting your relationship with her daughter. I hate involving a third party but I think you have come to a point where you need to get her mother's opinion. If her mother is as stubborn as her and see nothing wrong with it, then TELL her you don't like it and you would rather have your wife at home as her responsibilities are going to get bigger with a baby coming.
Give her an ultimatum. She needs to live like a married woman to get all her needs met. If she continues to live like this, she will be treated like a spoiled brat and nothing more. Tell her you are losing respect for her because she acts very selfishly. List all your reasons for being unhappy with her and ask her to do the same. If she can't do that then stop treating her like a princess. She acts like this because you let her.
Re: What to do
Honestly, I feel really bad for you dude. She doesn't want to make a home. She ins't interested in marriage. She wants to be a dictator and make the rules when they're not hers to make.
Stick to your guns please:
There will be no more stay overs unless they've been discussed
Do NOT buy a bigger house until these issues are resolved. You're going to make things worse...one more whim she gets fulfilled. One more demand that you went ahead and gave in to.
Since you've tried talking to her and nothing is working, take her to a sheikh (or have them come to you) or talk to her mom. Maybe her mom can knock some sense into her. She should have had this conversation with her when she got married. But its never too late.
I don't understand this...doesn't she want to be married to you? Does she care about you or what you want out of this marriage? It seems like her priority is just getting her way. Sorry you're dealing with this.
Re: What to do
Honestly, I feel really bad for you dude. She doesn't want to make a home. She ins't interested in marriage. She wants to be a dictator and make the rules when they're not hers to make.
Stick to your guns please:
There will be no more stay overs unless they've been discussed
Do NOT buy a bigger house until these issues are resolved. You're going to make things worse...one more whim she gets fulfilled. One more demand that you went ahead and gave in to.
Since you've tried talking to her and nothing is working, take her to a sheikh (or have them come to you) or talk to her mom. Maybe her mom can knock some sense into her. She should have had this conversation with her when she got married. But its never too late.
I don't understand this...doesn't she want to be married to you? Does she care about you or what you want out of this marriage? It seems like her priority is just getting her way. Sorry you're dealing with this.
Couldn't agree more.
Esp the bit about not buying a house yet.
She seems like she has control issues or even a mental health problem.
She should settle more when the baby comes as it will keep her busy but I actually don't think she will, I think she will get worse and use the baby as an issue as she is already saying that she does so much for you now, when really she isn't doing anything, so can't imagine what she will be like when baby comes along.
Plz get a third party involved ASAP.
I really feel for you. And also your mother who does not complain about her.
Re: What to do
Her thought process needs to be changed. I think you should talk to her mother, tell her that you are not happy with this roz ka ana jana. Let them know you are troubled with all this. As she is not listening to you & to those teachers, she will definately listen to her mother.
Re: What to do
Oh and one last thing...
Its your responsibility to make a home for this baby. Your job to create a family for him/her. You are the leader of your home and family. If she isn't taking her growing family seriously, you need to.
If she complains, let her. If she whines, let her. If she screams, let her.
Ignore it...and lay down the law and walk away. Do not argue back with her. Stop arguing - period. Say what needs to be done and leave. She is not a child, she will be fine.
Re: What to do
Dude just cut the cord and run away, you only g y one life, can't waste on narcissistic people.
Re: What to do
Arranged loveless marriages suck so bad. my assistant Smeet was telling me that all his cousins in arranged marriages are having problems.
Re: What to do
After reading your posts, a few things come to mind...you can verify this with your teacher(s):
She keeps bringing up Islamic rights etc.
- Her right to a separate accommodation can be fulfilled if you provide a even a certain area of the house where she can have her privacy.
- If that is not enough, then a rental place that is physically separate from where your mom lives would be sufficient. Your duty is not to give her a separate house.
- It is unIslamic of her to ask you to get into a loan on interest to provide a house for her according her whims.
- Her maintenance does not include gifts for her family, though it is good to give her some allowance according to your capacity and not her whims
Re: What to do
Wow you are dealing with a nutcase!
Get her family involved. Tell them you are providing for your wife well enough and you have certain expectations from her. You do not appreciate her being at her mother's all the time, not building healthy relationships with anyone - not even you. It is not her duty to take care of her nephews and nieces. If their parents can't take care of them, they need to find a babysitter or some other arrangement. If your wife is not interested in building a healthy relationship with your family, you will not allow her to meet her parents either.
For now, tell them, you have given her 2 days to think about how to go about her life. She is making your life hell, if she is not willing to be compromising then she can stay all she wants with her family. Give her and her family a couple of days and go back to see what they come up with. Tell them you have had enough, you will not be putting up with this behaviour when you try and provide every comfort you can to her and she is not interested in your relationship with you, your family, she swears at you and fights with you.
You need to be firm, and by firm, I mean you need to set some rules, conditions and expectations.
Re: What to do
And no, this is not normal behaviour at all! I will be honest and tell you I do not have the best relation with my in-laws. I tried having a normal relationship, but it didn't work out. I live in a rental as well, separate from in-laws because we live in a different city - not my demand. I would love to own a house and we both work for it. However, we have a healthy relationship and care for each other. I don't want to burden ourselves with too much, too soon. Don't mean to sound boastful or anything but just trying to tell ya she has to stop acting like a toddler and act like a grown woman.
Women get married, move to different country and sometimes can't even visit parents even when they are on deathbed! RESPONSIBILITIES. Does not mean they don't want to be there or they do not care. They just have another family's needs! Just like you can't give all your money to your mother and let your wife and kids starve, she has to realize she needs to get her life sorted as well now.
A healthy relationship does not need material things like your own house and designer furniture. To me it sounds like she even has some kind of insecurity about not owning a place.
Re: What to do
Other than her own place, I wonder what else it is that she feels to be lacking in the relationship.
Granted there may be mental health issues at play, nobody just decides that they don't like a situation overnight. There have to be things that led up to this point.
Are you able to step away from the situation and see things from her perspective? Can you tell us what you think might be making her unhappy?
Obviously we get that she wants the same freedom that she had pre-marriage and that's a lesson there that she will have to learn. But what other expectations of hers' have not been met?
Re: What to do
@Difficulty When is the baby due?
Re: What to do
I had a 'love marriage' but the first year was very difficult as I had to sacrifice my work and move cities and adjust to his lifestyle etc.
It was certainly not easy and many times I cried and thought what have I got myself into, but eventually with baby everything eased up and we were both able to get to know each other better and make compromises.
Are you romantic? Can you tell her she is appreciated and loved? Pregnancy hormones can drive women nuts.
Right now, she does sound like an absolute nutcase and I would also tell you to run. But I think rephrase your words so she stops calling you a 'tyrant' etc. Tell her you don't mind her going to her family, in fact you admire that she is so close to them and does so much for them. But could she please just discuss it with you before hand - it's not permission-seeking, it's just to make sure we are both on the same page. Tell her you would never prevent her from seeing her family but you would like for her to be happy in your home too.
See if the gentle approach works!
Re: What to do
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Re: What to do
OP, I have not read the complete thread after you described your argument with her. Whatever you do, please DO NOT buy a home now. Stop thinking about, put it on hold. Solve your issues first. Buying a home will never make her happy. She is not happy from inside, even if you bring her all the gold of world, she will not remain happy more than couple of fays.
I think from your version of events that you are trying to be reasonable about it all and this is a very good thing. Just state her clearly what do you want from her and when in arguments, try not to threaten/mention to seek outside involvement. Only when you are 200% sure that you need to talk to someone else, only then do it.
Women can be like this sometimes when they are hormonal and feel so-called "not being cared/loved enough". What you need to do is stick to your principles, thora sa piyar, thora sa ghussa. Even if you start pointing out her side of mistakes now, do not expect immediate results. It takes years. You baby is on the way, I am sure you are not that pissed off that you are thinking about leaving her at this crucial time. You seem to be a patient guy. Seems like an arranged marriage. But marriages are difficult in start. Inshallah it will get better for both of you.
Re: What to do
Maybe when she has the baby, she will change as she will have more responsibility. I don't think you need to move to another place, especially a bigger place with a new baby. Babies are lot of work, they are a wake up call, I hope and pray that things get better for both of you. I would strongly recommend to keep her in your home when the baby comes, don't fall for that chilla tradition at mother's place. This is your chance to build your relationship with your wife and the new child. No matter what she says, stick to your guns. If she says I need help from my family, you can simply tell her they are welcomed to come over to "her home" and help her. If her mother tries to talk to you into leaving her at your MIL's place, be polite but firm that you want your wife and child with you. I hope that will get the message to both your wife and her family.
This is one of the many many concerns I have if this does not come to a stop or at least soem sort of limit as current she might as well be single.
You can do a few things:
Make her see that she is not as welcome in her mother's home as she thinks she is. Just as she was not okay having her SILs stay over all the time, her own SILs may not be okay with her being there so much regardless of them not saying anything to her face.
Ask your wife to ask her mother whether other women in her family stay at maikay for this long and this often. She may see she is a bit out of line even if her mother thinks she is coming over too much.
Talk to her mother in private. Don't make a big deal out of it but tell her this is affecting your relationship with her daughter. I hate involving a third party but I think you have come to a point where you need to get her mother's opinion. If her mother is as stubborn as her and see nothing wrong with it, then TELL her you don't like it and you would rather have your wife at home as her responsibilities are going to get bigger with a baby coming.
Give her an ultimatum. She needs to live like a married woman to get all her needs met. If she continues to live like this, she will be treated like a spoiled brat and nothing more. Tell her you are losing respect for her because she acts very selfishly. List all your reasons for being unhappy with her and ask her to do the same. If she can't do that then stop treating her like a princess. She acts like this because you let her.
She only has siblings in that hosue who are not married wand who to be honest expect her to come around whenever needed
This will definitely not work with her as she jsut expects to go back and forth whenever
This is how I think but me telling her has never worked and it will definitely not work now
Her mother is always asking why she does not stay over, it is a sort of expectation and she is not a person I believe I can reason with at all, hence the need to go outside of family circle
Honestly, I feel really bad for you dude. She doesn't want to make a home. She ins't interested in marriage. She wants to be a dictator and make the rules when they're not hers to make.
Stick to your guns please:
There will be no more stay overs unless they've been discussed
Do NOT buy a bigger house until these issues are resolved. You're going to make things worse...one more whim she gets fulfilled. One more demand that you went ahead and gave in to.
Since you've tried talking to her and nothing is working, take her to a sheikh (or have them come to you) or talk to her mom. Maybe her mom can knock some sense into her. She should have had this conversation with her when she got married. But its never too late.
I don't understand this...doesn't she want to be married to you? Does she care about you or what you want out of this marriage? It seems like her priority is just getting her way. Sorry you're dealing with this.
I can not speak to her mum about this, her mum will most likely repeat what my wife says and also based on past experience she is not a person to go to.
Couldn't agree more.
Esp the bit about not buying a house yet.
She seems like she has control issues or even a mental health problem.
She should settle more when the baby comes as it will keep her busy but I actually don't think she will, I think she will get worse and use the baby as an issue as she is already saying that she does so much for you now, when really she isn't doing anything, so can't imagine what she will be like when baby comes along.
Plz get a third party involved ASAP.
I really feel for you. And also your mother who does not complain about her.
I actually sit and contemplate quite a lot as to what I am doing wrong besides not buying her a hosue yet. Quite a lot of introspection and I believe the only thing I do in an argument is that my tones changes and that is it.
Her thought process needs to be changed. I think you should talk to her mother, tell her that you are not happy with this roz ka ana jana. Let them know you are troubled with all this. As she is not listening to you & to those teachers, she will definately listen to her mother.
Oh and one last thing...
Its your responsibility to make a home for this baby. Your job to create a family for him/her. You are the leader of your home and family. If she isn't taking her growing family seriously, you need to.
If she complains, let her. If she whines, let her. If she screams, let her.
Ignore it...and lay down the law and walk away. Do not argue back with her. Stop arguing - period. Say what needs to be done and leave. She is not a child, she will be fine.
I will provide an update as to what has occurred since our last argument, quite a lot.
Dude just cut the cord and run away, you only g y one life, can't waste on narcissistic people.
We cannot just cut the cord on people, especially those we have a responsibility to. We have the means and we should take the means and resolve matters amicably insha-Allah
Arranged loveless marriages suck so bad. my assistant Smeet was telling me that all his cousins in arranged marriages are having problems.
It was a love marriage.
Re: What to do
- Correct, this must have an entrance and exit that is separate from the family although a best is a separate apartment or extension from house
- Correct
- We would be getting a loan from an Islamic Bank which scholars have agreed that you can
- Yes that is correct and she uses the money we have for gifts etc and I do not have an issue
I will post about this as thre are a few things that have happened but her behaviour has been consistent
The baby is due in less than 3 months.
Re: What to do
I am quite surprised that this is a love marriage.
Did you not know what her personality was like? U probably didn't know she would always go round to her mums, but her personality and how she is treating is quite shocking, how could you fall fr someone like that? Or rather has she changed that much??
Was she like this before pregnancy? Could be just hormones.