What to do

Lifestyle Relationships
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Before I start I would like to say that I am trying to be a good Muslim, husband and son insha-Allah but that I am far from perfect

Ok so here goes. I got married over 18 months ago by my own choice. Alhamdulillah everything has been fine. We have had issues here and there but for a while all has been quiet except for one or two things of which I would like some advice on, if possible.

Firstly my wife has a ‘need’ to be at her mum’s house. Initially at the start of our marriage she would go for about a week every month but then after a few issues she started going once or twice a week plus the stay-overs every month, she would go in the morning and come back in the evening and I would drop her off before work and pick her up after work after sitting down with her family for a while but recently she has been going on train and I pick her up. Her family home is around 10 miles away and she does not drive.

Her mother lives with my wife’s three siblings, all are over 30, single and working full-time. I have many problems with this because firstly as she does not work and is pregnant she thinks it is OK to not be at home and go there whenever needed. She will also make herself available for all the days that somebody is needed in the house, so for example if the plumber is coming around she will ensure she is there if everyone else is at work and the mother is not at home or abroad but then she will expect to go again in the week for another reason. My wife has a sister who is married and lives around 2 kilometres away from her mother and has a child and around two to three days a week, even more sometimes, my mother-in-law will look after the children as the sister and her husband are working. Now whenever my mil is ill or goes abroad my wife fulfils these duties and recently both my mil and sil went to Pakistan for a month and my wife took it upon herself to stay there for a number of days per week looking after the child, cleaning up the house and cooking for the siblings and ensuring something is cooked before she comes back home. Regarding the babysitting she would not bring her home as the child gets ill frequently and so she didn’t want the blame to come to us. These decisions about staying over and going are never spoken beforehand, she just states to her siblings in front of me that ‘I can be around on Thursday if so and so is coming and nobody is here’, even when staying over she does the same. Don’t get me wrong these visits and stay-overs are not as frequent as before but enough to seriously bother me, regarding both the number of visits and the lack of asking whether it would be okor not.

Another example of the above would be that last week whilst visiting, her niece didn’t want her to leave to go home and wanted us to stay over, this happens every time we visit and the same sometimes happens with my nieces and nephews to which she replied that she cannot stay over this week but she will in a week’s time. This decision was decided without even bothering to ask whether it would be ok or not. I understand it is my problem for not raising this with her.

The second issue is that we live with my mum and my family pretty much live relatively nearby. She initially stated she would be ok to live with my mother before marriage, I actually had it as a condition the moment we initially communicated with each other so that we would not get attached before I mentioned it but she has stated pretty much from the start of our marriage that she wants to live separately, initially she would just state that she does not feel at home or that she cannot spend time alone with me but would not openly state that she didn’t want to live with my mum and yes I have made enough time with her: restaurants, time at home, holidays etc.. Finally she just came out with it and mainly because she wants her space and by extension she cannot ‘control’ who comes in the house in terms of guests as sometimes a brother or sister or extended relatives will pop in to see my mum as they are in the area, this would normally be about 20 minutes or so. She does not cook or clean for my mum or anything like that. My mum does that herself and on most days she will be at different houses of my siblings as they all want her around and the last time we actually had proper guests over that she had to cook for was around 6 months ago so when these people (brothers and sisters) do come over the maximum that is ever done is tea is made and I have no issue with that.

I have my own opinion about the above two issues but I just want an insight from you guys so the questions I have (mainly to the women who are married):

  1. Would you agree if your husband thought you were making a joke out of your responsibility to him by constantly going to your mums and not even bothering asking whether it is ok beforehand and these visits are not to do with an elderly ill person etc but just because you want to or believe you should be going (babysitting, lonely mother)?

  2. Regarding my mother I said to her that she is right and ultimately it is her right for separate accommodation be that rented or purchased and that she does not really need to give me a reason whatsoever, and the fact that I am buying a house I am going beyond what is required of me. I already provide maintenance to her (she has access to whatever I earn) as is my duty in Islam. But I said to her that because I will not be living with my mother (I do not know who will, although none of my family have any issues taking her in, she would nevertheless prefer to live with me) I will need to allocate funds from my salary to pay for her upkeep which I can afford and I will visit her everyday. Would any married lady here have any issue with her husband doing this?

I study Islam myself and I know the responsibilities of both husband and wife in a marriage and so I know what I am allowed to do and what she is allowed to do but I also crucially know that marriage is not just based upon rules and regulations and sometimes people need to bend a little and compromise on issues. So I am asking the questions above without involving Islam so please do not respond with Islam states this and that. I just want to know what women on here would find acceptable or not.

I hope the above makes sense and I don’t sound like a broken record.

…She is nevertheless a good wife and I am only mentioning the above because these are issues the are of importance to me and something I need to deal with.

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Re: What to do

I think its really nice that you are trying to be just and fair to your wife and mom...most people would immediately give in to the "khoon ka josh" and just oppose anything wife brought up.

Regarding the stay overs...this is not okay. And I am stating this as a married woman who has been married approximately the same amount of time as you and now have a 1 year old. She definitely can see her parents and siblings but she has to pull back on her involvement and make her space in her own home. Siblings that are very close (like my own) have a hard time letting go. I know I did but my mom was the one who pushed me to go home and stay home. My husband at that time had his own property and his mother was also living with him. She rotates between all 8 of her children though. It took me a good 7-8 months before I started to feel like it was my own home but I had to pull back on my involvement at my parents' house. No random drop ins, no stay overs as he was very particular about these kind of things. My point with saying all of this is...she feels like your current home is not hers because she isn't even home all the time. Her home is actually wherever you take her...that should be home. However, she will never feel ownership unless she actually lives there full time. Solution...take her out and have a nice chit chat with her that this is a point on which you will not compromise. So she understands the importance of it. She can spend one day a week at her mom's if she wishes but no more overnight stays and definitely no plans without consulting with you first. If she wants to do something...she hangs up the phone, asks you if you have any plans and then gives whoever a call back to let them know she's free.

Second issue is easy...you're a husband and son. She should have no issues with you supporting your mom. My husband shares his mom's living expenses with all of his siblings even though she gets her own retirement money. Parents' responsibilities are not to be ignored after marriage just like you can't ignore you wife's.

Put your food down so you can actually make a "home".

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Re: What to do

It's really obvious from your wife's behaviour she doesn't really like your home. She seems to want to do things, get involved and her only avenue seems to be her own mother's place rather than yours. Most women are too busy to be going to and fro but since she feels she lacks the autonomy she's let the house be your mother's rather than hers. Quite honestly it seems a new house is the only way. Or the new baby might make her busy?

And regardless of what the whole world wants and should be done talking about backing away from her mother's place in the same breath as talking about what you want for mother is a bad bad move. It will only create competition so whatever you do pace it. Work on one concern and then the other because your wife will see the parallels. I mean it's basic common sense she'll be pissed if you want to visit your mother whenever you want and she can't do that as per your wishes. Better start selling tickets for that battle. Lmao.

Also keep a schedule with her. Saturday is movie night, tuesday is xyz day so she gets into a routine. Stick to it as firmly as possible. You'll have to speak up about your schedule whenever she makes a plan without you. Tell her neice, maybe next week before she can speak up. Nothing's going to happen if you keep your thoughts to yourself.

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Re: What to do

I wanted some clarification on a few things:

1) Is your wife home when YOU are home? Meaning is she only going to her parents home during the day when you're at work?

2) Is your home being neglected as a result of your wife visiting her parents? Meaning is your home dirty, laundry not being done, food not ready for you when you get home etc.? If your wife stop visiting her parents home so frequently, what do you think she should be doing during that time inside your home?

3) If your mother lives with one of your siblings, why would you insist on visiting her everyday? You can't visit your mother once or twice a week....similar to how your wife visits her parents?

4) Why have you chosen not raise these issues with your wife yet? What has stopped you?

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Re: What to do

Excellent points

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Re: What to do

Let me ask you a question. You stated that you are willing to separate from your mother but that you will visit her everyday. Why is that ok for you to do, but it's an issue of your wife wants to be with her mother twice a week? I understand your irritation, but more than likely your wife will feel the same way when you insist on visiting your mother everyday.
As you said, she fulfills her duties and is generally a good wife to you, so then why are you expecting her to change? My knowledge of islam is not great, but I do know that parents have a right over all their children (be they sons or daughters)

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Re: What to do

So far, Reha has given the best advise ever. Your wife do have a right to visit her parents' but at the same time, think of your house her house too. And that is what i say always and always, for 6 months or year is adjustment period. So try to make a room for each other but both understand at the same time that woman's house is..where her husband is. We as a husbands have expectations too.

So yes, just talk to her about it. I am sure..if she is a good wife..then she will listen to your concerns. May Allah make your marriage full of blessings. Ameen.

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Great questions, esp point 3.

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Re: What to do

Before I got married my wife was working part-time where she would do a day one week and sometimes more. The few friends she had were from university and she only used to see them once a month at the most. Her life was pretty much to sit at home with her mother. I have tried to get her to do things but to no avail, to the point that the things I used to do I stopped to sit at home but to be honest that wasn't me as I am more more used to going to the gym three times a week and keeping myself busy but she would rather stay at home.

I even tried to force the issue of her finding a job to which she replied that it is my duty to provide for her and if she wants to work then she would.

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Re: What to do

  1. Sometimes she goes once a week, sometimes twice but it is never asked, just 'I'm going to mums tomorrow' and yes it is my fault for not bringing this issue I have with her not bothering to ask, hence why I am in this dilemma of my own making. Although I have mentioned in the past and nothing happened. Yes she goes during the day whilst I am at work and then I will pick her up after work, we would then get back late in the evening.

  2. I have constantly told her to do something to keep her active during the day but bar from going to her mums house and town there is nothing that she does out of the house. Yes she does do the laundry once a week, cook etc of which I help the moment I get in otherwise I am just informed that I am lazy. Food being ready when I get home doesn't happen as she would start making something, even if it is just chips when I get back and I will normally, if not always stay in the kitchen with her. She has also mentioned on many occasions that is is not her Islamic duty to do domestic stuff of which I started doing everything and even to this day I cannot complain if nothing is done and I just do it myself although she does do the work. My bigger concern here is that I have a child coming and I cannot let this 'I am always available' attitude to carry one.

  3. My mother does not want to live with anyone else, even though they are happy to take her in. As per Islam my mum not wanting to live with her other kids cannot be compared with the wife's right to a separate private accommodation. Hence why I am looking for a place to stay as it is the greater right, my wife knows this and that is why she keeps reminding me that iit is her right and that she doesn't need to work.

  4. My wife even from the start of marriage kept nagging me for our own place, back then it was the guests and the family coming around that she could not handle but she would not firmly state the issue about mum so I always assumed mum would be coming along. As time has gone by hardly anyone comes over, at least compared to back then anyway. She mentioned that we can rent to get out quicker so we saw a few rentals but then she decided we would buy, I let her decide this as I did not want to rent but I wanted her to make the decision so that I she wouldn't feel as though I am forcing her to stay where she does not want to be. She has mentioned countless times that I am the husband and I must provide her with a house to live in and provide maintenance. The last time I spoke to our Islamic studies teachers, one in particular and after that conversation I spoke to her, without arguing. I said to her and confirmed the following points: 1. It is my responsibility to provide her with a place to live in, she agreed but stated that she does not want a rented place but wants me to put a deposit for a house and that I should have saved enough 2. She agreed that it is my responsibility to provide money that she has access to for food and her clothes and whatever else she wants to buy such as presents for her family etc 3. I confirmed with her that she was asking for her right and has received her rights and what about mine, at this point she started getting angry and said it is not about rights at all, i should always be doing these things. I mentioned that a part of my salary will go towards my mother and before I could get any further she started shouting that she has been waiting for me to buy a house and I am now talking about right so I stopped speaking and stayed quiet and finally left the room. I did not re-visit the conversation at all. I did however speak to our teacher who has advised me to speak to her and mention that we both need to speak to him.

So the main reason I have not re-visited the issues is that I would not be able to get across to her anything compared to what my teacher would be able to do and that is for both of us.

  1. Regarding her duties I had an issue with her regarding her duties at the start of marriage as she stated that domestic chores ARE NOT her duty at all and whenever she chooses to do these it is charity so form that day on if something needs doing or she has not got around to it then I would do it and I would never question her on it, even if food is not made. Although she does do these things most of the time.

  2. A part of me feels like you cannot expect your husband to fulfil your duties Islamic and then when he asks for his rights upon you then you start arguing with him, it does not work like that at all. Regarding visiting her parents the answer is from a religious perspective that it is once a week and that is the lenient position and that is for the women only. I have in the past said to her that you keep asking for your right to a separate place and all about rights, why do you not work and that way you will work five days a week, just like me and everything form the cooking to cleaning to everything else will be split evenly but she wasn't having it. On a different occasion she would say I am ging to work but only three days a week as I do not want to do five but she would not look and when I would try to help her in looking she would state she is busy and stupid me I wouldn't chase her on it.

I am fully aware that these problems I am having are my own making and some can be expectation and some can be my lack of understanding but most will be because I just have not done anything about it as I would rather avoid the argument but that doesn't really get you anywhere does it.

Also after reading what I have typed above I understand that I just need to sit her down and go over what each one of us should be doing and our gripes with each other but after the previous times I have chatted I am not going to get through, it will all be about what she wants etc so I am going to go down the route of our teacher who also deals with relationship/marriage issues.

Forgive me if I have offended anyone with my views.

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Re: What to do

Ah, you misunderstand me. I'm not talking about getting busy outside the house. It's women getting busy within in. My mother constantly thinks about her garden, the fruits she grows in it, the repair work, renewing wallpapers, dealing with the electrical work, what to cook, clean etc. If she cannot make those decisions without disturbing someone else's hardwork (your mother) then she's putting her energy elsewhere. Most women are not interested in dealing with multiple houses and she would not be either but it seems like she does not feel she can call your home her own and is more comfortable dealing with her mother's because that's where she has more ownership and autonomy. If she was not interested in building a home and working in it her mother's house would not interest her as much as it does now.

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Re: What to do

dude u seriously whipped. nothing gonna be enough. she knows she can make you do whatever she want.

Rest in Peace.

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Re: What to do

I think you're being taken advantage of...plain and simple. When you confront her, she shouts and shuts you up.

You are providing but getting nothing in return...she doesn't even have kids right now...imagine what will happen once your child arrives? Please put a stop to this madness now before your child starts to walk all over you too. No offense but that's what she is doing.

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Re: What to do

If she keeps blackmailing you with her Islamic rights...start exercising your Islamic rights. Tell her you can Islamically forbid her from seeing her parents and leaving the house, you have no obligation to buy her a place (a small rented unit is sufficient) and whatever you give her for maintenance is your choice...it doesn't have to be whatever amount she wants. You are only obligated to do what you can afford.

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Re: What to do

She is just taking advantage of your leniency and picking and choosing certain aspects of religion that suit her.
You need to be firm with her if you want some stability/routine in your home.

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Re: What to do

There's a certain routine that both of you set at the beginning of your marriage which is obviously causing problems now. You were okay with her visiting her parents as often as she did, and it doesn't seem like she's had to "ask" you before she went. Why do you want her to ask you now? Do you want her to seek permission from you before she goes, or do you want her to be courteous and let you know that she will going there for so and so reason?

She seems to have a very privileged attitude and is sort of ignorant to how it's affecting your relationship. Islamic rights and all is fine, but there's also general decency towards the family of your spouse. Does she socialize with your family and how often? What is her relationship with your mother? Is your mother controlling and interfering with day to day things?

You do need to have a talk with her, and if she starts yelling and screaming, you need to be calm and firm and make your point, perhaps not then, but a short while later. You do have to re-visit the conversation if you want things to change.

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Re: What to do

Sit her down & talk! Mutually think of a solution. You sounded like you have ur head on your shoulders than why did such a small issue make you post here? Dont get me wrong but dont depend on these people/or myself for advice or a solution at the age you are & the kind of responsibility you have on you (i.e becoming a father) this should have been a piece of cake.

Also, Why do you have so much bottled inside you anyway?

I appreciate sensitive guys who think before they act with their wives but this topic didnt need that kina thinking.

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Re: What to do

It doesn't sound like she likes her life much or her home. She is trying to escape all of this by going to her parent's place all the time. I think she is waiting for something to change before she can actually focus on her marriage. Perhaps she is waiting to move? Every woman loves HER home and if she doesn't feel at home, she won't bother with any of it. How does your mother treat her? I do believe she means it when she says it is not about rights. She just isn't happy and doesn't know what to do about it. It is that simple. Ask her flat out what will make her happy. Then do that. If your problems continue and she keeps playing the religion card then ask her what will she do if you leave her or get a second wife because that is your Islamic right too. I am sure she will find that ridiculous. Just because we have certain rights doesn't mean we take those who fulfill those rights for granted. That is being selfish and ungratfeful.

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Do NOT do this! This will only inflame her more. You don't need to be petty to get your point across. She's a grown woman with a child on the way. I'm sure you can talk some sense into her without stooping down to her level.

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All adults should find that ridiculous and if she is one, she will too. I said that because she will be able to see how her using Islamic rights argument has been ridiculous. Her rights are being fulfilled because of her husband, she should be happy that he even cares about her Islamic rights without him exercising his rights. She will find herself miserable if he starts exercising his God given rights. She needs to understand that it is something that can be taken away so stop taking him for granted.