What should I do?

Lifestyle Relationships
161

Re: What should I do?

You and your husband are both enabling your mother-in-law's and (actually, your FIL's) tyrannical behaviour. By not calling her out on it, and by giving into her tears you allow her to go on as before.

There comes a time when you have to make a choice - do you bend your head and let them verbally and emotionally abuse you and now your unborn child or do you stand up. You do realize, that once your child is born, things are going to go one of two ways - either your MIL will treat your child like garbage, just as she does you and it will impact your child's self-esteem OR your MIL will try to take your child away from you (beta ki aulaad pe hamara haq khehke) and control the child and you will become a second-class citizen in your own child's eyes.

They say a woman becomes a lioness to protect her child, because she won't let anyone or anything harm that child - where's your inner lioness?

162

Re: What should I do?

maybe you already mentioned this.....
where are your parents in all this?
why aren't you at home with them when you need bed rest and you obviously are not getting it here.......

163

Re: What should I do?

Seriously it just makes me so angry, you are supposed to be on bed rest and not lift heavy stuff and why are you caring about the damn biryani pot, if I was you I would have dropped it right there right then at MIL's feet and stormed out. God forbid you hurt the baby with all that crappy housework. Your MIL is not your God!!
Whats the worst that could have happened, its your hubby's house he would NEVER dre am of kicking out his wife pregnant with his child. There would be drama but just lock yourself in your room and strictly say enough is enough!

164

What should I do?

Do you plan to take any actions? I think you should get real life help; be it your parents, friends, cousins, husbands cousins, tell them everything you have said here. They want their dirty secret kept hidden under the rug, do not help them in that by not telling anyone. You need all the support you can get to help you make and take important decisions. But dont expect any of it from your husband.

165

Re: What should I do?

  1. bedrest means bedrest. lock your room with enough food for the whole day and let MIL knock all she wants. if the child is born too pre-mature, you will have to witness the innocent tiny baby die in front of your eyes. google this and show your husband pictures. your MIL knowingly forcing you to work is her pretty much setting you up for a late-pregnancy abortion. google this also. trust me you will never pick up a heavy biryani pot again.

  2. think seriously about divorce. if you divorce, you will get a share of husband's savings/assets. you will also get child support. you seem to be a hard worker, so even if you are not all that educated, you will be able to support yourself and your child just fine IMO. There IS an entire world out there beyond your parents or your husband's house. you might be happier and less depressed there, which will result in a better life for your child. consider your options. you have access to GS which means you can easily get online and register for some sort of training/courses to get yourself in shape for some sort of career after you leave your husband. I'm not telling you to threaten your husband with this. just set yourself up in a favorable position if you end up needing to divorce after the child is born and need a source of income.

166

Re: What should I do?

Divorce over picking up some pot? That's crazy and really dumb... think about divorce but what about the baby who needs a father?

OP, don't listen to some of the advice being given by some people in this thread. Man up, you are not the first pregnant woman who has to work while carrying a baby and has inlaws who probably don't care and you certainly won't be the last.

Cheer up, its part of life. When you have your kid, maybe things will change?

167

Re: What should I do?

^i think u haven't read he entire thread. It's not over house chores or biryani pot.

168

Re: What should I do?

OP, what the eff is wrong with you? Why are you allowing this to continue? Your husband is a whipped mama's boy. Start acting like a smart ass and stand up to your in laws, if not for your sake then for your baby's sake.

Stop cooking for your in laws. Tell them you're pregnant and you need rest. If your MIL starts talking about her zamaana, tell her "yeh aap ka zamaana nahi hai, aur waisay bhi main aap say zaada kamzor hoon" and literally walk away. Stop reacting to her. It's probably not productive but I would take it one step further and go out of my way to start annoying people like your MIL. Unless there is physical abuse they can't make you work. Sit on your ass, watch some dramas, and get fat. Sounds like the good life to me.

169

Re: What should I do?

I just wanted to jump right in, maybe you can provide summary of the last 9 pages? :D

BusyBee, I have a solution for you but I can't write it, I'm afraid the Insensitivity police will edit it.

170

Re: What should I do?

^ let's hear, what I'm sure, is a brilliant solution.

171

Re: What should I do?

^ ahaha

172

Re: What should I do?

You already have a bad reputation in the community anyway. I say live up to it. Be a ungrateful, lazy, scandalous bahoo.

173

Re: What should I do?

No - do not think about giving him a divorce. She doesn't have an immoral husband - just a bewaqoof one. Just think about putting yourself in a better position. Being strong isn't always about walking away - stronger people figure out how to make life work for them. You stay and you make that house your own because it IS your own. Bottom line is - no one can help you or your baby until you help yourself.

174

Re: What should I do?

Very well said , Reha.

175

Re: What should I do?

BusyBee, I agree with Reha. This is not the time to think about a divorce. With a high risk pregnancy, the additional stress is the last thing you need.
Your husband seems to have no idea how hard pregnancy and childbirth is on women's bodies. The only source of information for him is his mother, who is unfortunately feeding him bull**** and dangerous misconceptions. What you can do is make sure he gets the right info. Take him to all your appointments. Get your Ob/Gyn to tell him the facts about a high risk pregnancy and the complications that may arise should you fail to follow the Dr's advice. Even if it makes him uncomfortable, let him get all the graphic details. Watch youtube videos on childbirth if you must. Get a good book on pregnancy, sign up for prenatal classes together. In short anything to make him realize that pregnancy is a difficult journey. Balance this with some alone time to plan for the future. Give him lots of affection. Try not use an accusatory tone with him - he seems to be bewildered by all the changes, and his parents are only adding fuel to the fire. He needs to know that you are on his side, that you're a team.

Best wishes to you!

176

Re: What should I do?

My mom told me that she stayed with her inlaws (MIL, FIL, 3 BILs, and 2 SIL) for ten years in a 2 bedroom place. She was the only one doing everything for everyone. She ould make breakfast separately for everyone, cook rot is on demand, etc. She was taunted similarly by everyone in the house. I remember most of it too. She finally asked for a separate house after that long and she had to be strong. My grandma gave her so many badduaein, cursed at her, and what not. However, my mom stood her ground and got her place. My dad was not on her side either.
Thus, it took her ten years to take a stand, and I think you should not wait that long. I was six at the time and I remember a lot of it. It still makes me sad and I do not have any kind of relationship with my dad's side of the family. You need to take a step before your kid will be effected.

177

What should I do?

Please stand your ground, if your husband needs his mother so much or if she needs him so much he shouldnt have got married and gotten you pregnant he clearly is a newborn himself still in mamas lap

Do not let them treat you like this you are human someones beloved daughter you didnt get married to tolerate this rubbish
Stand up to them what will they do?? Shout moan cry? Let them

Where are u? Where are ur parents get help ASAP

178

Re: What should I do?

My husband knows it's a high-risk pregnancy, he was with me at the appointment. He's the one who told his mom too but she just brushed it off.

I'm not thinking about a divorce at all. I would have done that in the past six years if I wanted to. I have two professional degrees and could've easily supported myself but I never wanted to go that route.

My parents are not in all of this because I'm guilty that I went against their wishes to marry him. They told me numerous times that this family is not good for me. I was young and naive, hence the bad decision! I wasn't close to my dad since childhood so I don't even care if he knows or not. I tell some major stuff sometimes to my mother but not everything. I did however tell her that MIL is making me do all this and all the taunts although I'm on bed-rest. She told me to come over (she lives in a different state), but they were already booked to go to Pakistan for a wedding. She's willing to cancel her trip for me and send only my dad to Pak but I don't feel like that's a good solution.

UPDATE: Hubby's cousins left yesterday and I didn't cook anything coz I was dead tired and sick in the past few days. I was throwing up and really weak (I'm also anemic) so I decided we'll order pizza or something. MIL came to my room and WOKE ME UP from my sleep and asked me why I didn't cook. I told her I'm not feeling well at all and she told me "tumhare ghar waale khaana bhejengen kya". I told her I'm sorry I'm feeling really sick and we can order pizza. All of a sudden, she decided pizza is not halal....after eating it for so many years in front of me, in my house! I told her ok, there're kababs in the fridge, she can fry some and make a sandwich or something. As soon as I said it, she ELBOWED me!!! Luckily it hit my ribs but I'm pretty darn sure she was aiming at my stomach! It hit me pretty bad and I started getting teary eyed and she left my room without saying anything. I locked my room and didn't come out all day. Hubby came home and I told him everything. I had texted him previously too but he never replied!

So when he came home, he went to ask his mom and she told him "maine to ZARA sa haath hilakar uthne ko kaha tha" and she started crying that I'm putting ilzaam on her. OK! you don't tell someone to get up by elbowing them. It wasn't even her hand, it was her freaking elbow! Hubby is telling me again that I'm being sensitive and ammi probably just meant to tell me to get up......what the freaking hell! I know what the lady did! He's taking her side as usual...which is a big random change coz earlier he used to at least agree with me and just not say anything to his family but at least he agreed! Now, he's plain out saying that I'm being sensitive and ammi didn't do anything when I have a sore rib-cage to prove for it! 

   So finally, I told hubby I can't live here in all this stress coz now I'm pregnant and it's not the same thing. He was angry but I still wanted to put it in his mind. I told him she can take this house too, and just get me a one-bedroom apartment or send me to my parents. He said he won't buy a separate apartment because he's already paying mortgages on our house and the house he bought his parents (where they don't even live!). So I said ok I'll go to my moms and he said "you can go but don't expect me to call you back". WTH is that supposed to mean? Why am I being treated like I did something when I'm clearly the doormat that's getting stomped over by everyone! I'm really depressed! I just locked myself in the room all day today, crying, while MIL probably thinks I'm having the time of my life resting! I just want to scream my lungs out all day! Please pray for me :'(
179

Re: What should I do?

Oh my god ur MIL is so evil. Can't she see that u r not well and why don't she cook until you get well.

Have rest and try to avoid this lady as much as u can. Take rest and don't care abt the house work..ur health comes first. I am sure eventually she will start cooking when she get tired of eating outside

Doesnt ur husband say anything to her?

180

Re: What should I do?

Sorry to hear you're going through all that still, but it is also good to hear that you're making progress. So why don't you just go the other house that he's paying for already? Or if you can go to your mother's place, maybe do that. It couldn't be worse than what you have now, right? Anyhow, as long as you're staying in your current house, I'd say lock the door when you're sleeping. Ignore anything she tells you. Or if you really have to say something, you can tell them how it's not the DILs job in Islam to server the in-laws. But just plain ignoring is probably better. If she wants something done, she'll just do it herself. Don't give in to the pressure having to do work if she tries to pile it up for you. If the laundry gets collected, let it. Wash what you need, let them deal with their stuff. When this no longer works (by them interfering with your laundry/work), leave that pile of work and go to your mother's places. Then they'll be stuck with the pile.

Remember that the dua of the oppressed is readily accepted. So while I'm sure a lot of us will make dua for you, be sure to make dua for yourself as well.