Re: What should I do?
I should have made myself clearer…
Thank-you Sara - I’m glad someone understood it. :hinna:
Re: What should I do?
busybee....u need to step up!!! how can you imagine that the woman who isn't happy to hear much awaited news will change? i think the more lenient u become with such ppl, the more worse they become... u have ur life to live... u wre waiting for this news for ages and now u should be enjoying every moment of it!!!!ur mil is behaving like a child TBH, but believe u me u need to control ur hubby... by control i mean keep an eye and hear what she is trying to feed him...be polite with him and try your best to please him....i am saying this because i have seen ppl changing just because of misunderstandings created by others... he is your baby's father and you will be responsible if you lose him because of your sweet nature and not been clever like his mum!!! gudluck
Re: What should I do?
You know, you posted a few months ago about the EXACT SAME STUFF. People here told you the EXACT SAME THING. that bringing a child into this mess won't be the best idea. You knew EXACTLY what was going to happen, so I'm not sure why you're surprised and sad--what are you expecting really?
Aulaad Allah ki dain hai. Many times people who don't want kids and use precautions or can't have them end up getting pregnant. This baby was meant to happen, no use in lamenting this. Hopefully it'll bring about a good change.
I do, however, still maintain that she shouldn't have had the party behind MIL's back. Yes, I know that many members will say that MIL is gonna act up anyway so why not go and have the party in her absence. Like I said before, it'll result in MIL striking back even harder ....and that is exactly what she's doing and husband is not helping. The gung-ho advice to have the party was instant gratification in exchange for greater headache. In the grand scheme of things, the party zid was not that big a deal. Had she compromised and waited until MIL returned, it would make her husband see that MIL is the problem because even his wife's compromise doesn't improve her nasty attitude. It strengthens bb's position and makes MIL look bad. And now that she's pregnant....it's even more important that she not be stressed out by this vengeful drama as jt can affect the baby. Keeping this in mind, she should just ignore MIL's schemes and strengthen relationship with husband and pray that Allah keep her baby healthy and safe because sadly there is a jealous, resentful, and unwelcoming attitude toward this unborn child in the home from some parties.
Re: What should I do?
If I were you I would just ignore their behaviors at this point. Ignore the mil, ignore the husband, ignore any comments made by anyone and everyone. He wants to take dinner in the bedroom and close the door behind him, let him, do not question him on that. Her asking you, "kese ho gaya" about the pregnancy, tell her bus ho gaya. She asks you the same question ten times a day, giver her the same reply ten times a day. Stop letting her know she is getting to you.
Now that she spends a lot of time in her bedroom, doesn't that give you more privacy?
Re: What should I do?
Aulaad Allah ki dain hai. Many times people who don't want kids and use precautions or can't have them end up getting pregnant. This baby was meant to happen, no use in lamenting this. Hopefully it'll bring about a good change.
I do, however, still maintain that she shouldn't have had the party behind MIL's back. Yes, I know that many members will say that MIL is gonna act up anyway so why not go and have the party in her absence. Like I said before, it'll result in MIL striking back even harder ....and that is exactly what she's doing and husband is not helping. The gung-ho advice to have the party was instant gratification in exchange for greater headache. In the grand scheme of things, the party zid was not that big a deal. Had she compromised and waited until MIL returned, it would make her husband see that MIL is the problem because even his wife's compromise doesn't improve her nasty attitude. It strengthens bb's position and makes MIL look bad. And now that she's pregnant....it's even more important that she not be stressed out by this vengeful drama as jt can affect the baby. Keeping this in mind, she should just ignore MIL's schemes and strengthen relationship with husband and pray that Allah keep her baby healthy and safe because sadly there is a jealous, resentful, and unwelcoming attitude toward this unborn child in the home from some parties.
I don't see how she would have fared any better if she had waited. If after all she's already described, the husband isn't seeing that his mother had the wrong position. What would make this any different? You might think that if she keeps giving in things would get better but nothing has changed for the better in years. From what I've seen in examples family/family friends, it's very important to take a stand with something. From what I know of this situation, the party was a great first step. The next step is to show that the emotional blackmail will be ignored and have no effect.
Re: What should I do?
Aulaad Allah ki dain hai. Many times people who don't want kids and use precautions or can't have them end up getting pregnant. This baby was meant to happen, no use in lamenting this. Hopefully it'll bring about a good change.
I do, however, still maintain that she shouldn't have had the party behind MIL's back. Yes, I know that many members will say that MIL is gonna act up anyway so why not go and have the party in her absence. Like I said before, it'll result in MIL striking back even harder ....and that is exactly what she's doing and husband is not helping. The gung-ho advice to have the party was instant gratification in exchange for greater headache. In the grand scheme of things, the party zid was not that big a deal. Had she compromised and waited until MIL returned, it would make her husband see that MIL is the problem because even his wife's compromise doesn't improve her nasty attitude. It strengthens bb's position and makes MIL look bad. And now that she's pregnant....it's even more important that she not be stressed out by this vengeful drama as jt can affect the baby. Keeping this in mind, she should just ignore MIL's schemes and strengthen relationship with husband and pray that Allah keep her baby healthy and safe because sadly there is a jealous, resentful, and unwelcoming attitude toward this unborn child in the home from some parties.
Im not saying she shouldn't have gotten pregnant but wondering why she's so surprised that htey're still acting like this. After so many years of crap being flung how do you NOT see that it won't change?
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^maybe she is thinking whatever their behaviour with her, at least they would be happy to hear about their grandchild, but I guess some people are just plain stone-hearted.
And whats up with the husband, why can't he stay happy at this news? What a puppet!
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I find your husband repulsive and I don't know how you ended up being attracted to a man like that enough to get pregnant? I'd avoid him like the plague.
Re: What should I do?
I think we should be careful about our word-choice and not encourage negative feelings in the OP or intensify those feelings as she doesn't need the anxiety in her condition. She was destined to get pregnant, so she did. Whatever the husband is like and as disappointing as his behavior is, he is still the father of the child. Who knows if he'll see the light at a later point, but I think fighting aggressively against MIL is not going to help as it'll just harden her husband toward her and worsen the home atmosphere and she doesn't need the tension while being pregnant. Taking a calmer approach and letting MIL provide her with ammunition /dig a hole for herself with her antics will build a stronger case for her when and if decides to confront her husband. If after some time, there is still no improvement, she can discuss the issue and conditions with him and stay with her parents while he figures out what he wants to do.
Re: What should I do?
If I were you I would just ignore their behaviors at this point. Ignore the mil, ignore the husband, ignore any comments made by anyone and everyone. He wants to take dinner in the bedroom and close the door behind him, let him, do not question him on that. Her asking you, "kese ho gaya" about the pregnancy, tell her bus ho gaya. She asks you the same question ten times a day, giver her the same reply ten times a day. Stop letting her know she is getting to you.
Now that she spends a lot of time in her bedroom, doesn't that give you more privacy?
Ditto!
What should I do?
Is it too far a step to suggest to cook food only for your self? I cant imagine bending over to these nasty bullies.. And that includes your husband. Why get married if you want to sit in mamas lap all day?
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Is it too far a step to suggest to cook food only for your self? I cant imagine bending over to these nasty bullies.. And that includes your husband. Why get married if you want to sit in mamas lap all day?
Exactly! and as an extension: why let your sons marry if you're not ready to share him with another woman? Its baffling.
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I think we should be careful about our word-choice and not encourage negative feelings in the OP or intensify those feelings as she doesn't need the anxiety in her condition. She was destined to get pregnant, so she did. Whatever the husband is like and as disappointing as his behavior is, he is still the father of the child. Who knows if he'll see the light at a later point, but I think fighting aggressively against MIL is not going to help as it'll just harden her husband toward her and worsen the home atmosphere and she doesn't need the tension while being pregnant. Taking a calmer approach and letting MIL provide her with ammunition /dig a hole for herself with her antics will build a stronger case for her when and if decides to confront her husband. If after some time, there is still no improvement, she can discuss the issue and conditions with him and stay with her parents while he figures out what he wants to do.
This is a mature and respectable approach. But also a fruitless one. She is going to have a child - she will have to have better human beings as examples around that child. I don't know if I buy into the idea of slaving after MIL, FIL and Husband so they can realize her value in HER BURHAPA. Zayeefi mein sabko Allah Tala yaad ajate hein - what's the big deal if they realize it then? There should be a quality of life one leads - this isn't it. How do you raise a kid with people like that? At some point, he/she will NOT respect their own mother and that's just how it is.
Re: What should I do?
So I was talking to my mom about this today and she told me someone's story. We have a family friend that lives close by - her brother got married and moved to UK years ago. They've been in the UK since and a few years ago, Saas (brother's mom) decided to visit for a bit. She had plans to stay there eventually with her son and everyone knew that much. DIL kept her Saas for two years but in the entire two years - made sure she worked her to the bone in the household chores. She was very sweet and would always word things in a manner that her husband found so endearing like "Ammi, apke haat ki biryani ki kya baat hai...hum to koshish bhi nahin karsakte" or "itne saalon baad maa ke haat ka khana naseb huwa hai..." and "Ammi apke anay se ghar kitna acha lagta hai..." (of course acha lagta hai - safaiyyan jo karrahi hein). Basically things that would make MIL feel guilty and husband see how much his wife loves his mom. Two years straight she cooked and cleaned for her DIL and then ran from that house - never to return again. This is an extreme example and the MIL did NOT deserve such treatment at all BUT when dealing with the Zalim Saas - I'd find this approach the best.
Re: What should I do?
I think we should be careful about our word-choice and not encourage negative feelings in the OP or intensify those feelings as she doesn't need the anxiety in her condition. She was destined to get pregnant, so she did. Whatever the husband is like and as disappointing as his behavior is, he is still the father of the child. Who knows if he'll see the light at a later point, but I think fighting aggressively against MIL is not going to help as it'll just harden her husband toward her and worsen the home atmosphere and she doesn't need the tension while being pregnant. **Taking a calmer approach **and letting MIL provide her with ammunition /dig a hole for herself with her antics will build a stronger case for her when and if decides to confront her husband. **If after some time, there is still no improvement, **she can discuss the issue and conditions with him and stay with her parents while he figures out what he wants to do.
After some time if there is improvement?? Hasn't she done that for 3+ years already? How much more would be classified as "some time"!?
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Apparently hubby's not eating with me coz MIL told him to bring the food into their room coz she doesn't wanna give me kaam like setting up the table
** okay then setting up the table is one less thing you have to do. If you had eaten with them, then you'd complain that my hubby only talked to his mom n my mil only talked to him and nobody said much to me. So enjoy the peace and quiet without them, do something productive in that time. Or take ur plate, put on a chirpy smiley face and ask them if you can join in. . But if you think about it, it seems you'd be unhappy either way...whether they include you or not. Joining them would bring a different set of complaints. ***Either join or leave em be.*
. And even IF she thought that way, they could've told me to come in and eat but NO, they just close the door.
Even hubby doesn't even ask me to come in or he doesn't even ask if I ate while they were eating inside. He just basically comes into our room when I'm already done with cleaning and in bed.
Ok its your own home. You don't need a formal invitation. Either go in and sit with them or let it go. Nor are u a little girl that needs to be asked if u've eaten. You can get your own food.
I told him it hurts me and he basically said my mom needs my time too.
** Your husband spent time with you while your MIL was away from home. Now she's back and she's upset, so let him try to cheer her up. The increased time could be due to him worrying about his mom being upset. **
I don't know what she's putting into his head.
You live with your mil, so you should have some idea already about what shes putting in his head. Or maybe he's trying to calm his mom down. Or they're discussing other concerns.
He didn't talk like this before. He used to say things but his tone is completely changed. He even told me the other day "don't try to boss me, I'm not answerable to you, I'm not your dog"....i was shocked!
Okay that comment is harsh. But give him his space. Pestering him about what he's doing with his mom will make u appear insecure. Leave him be.
I had only asked him why they closed the door while eating inside....and I asked just casually like I was smiling! I just don't know what's wrong.
He's probably stressed and took out some other frustration on you. Give him space.
He seemed very happy when we found out I'm pregnant but now he doesn't even say a word since his mom came back.
*Maybe he has a lot on his mind since finding out there's a baby on the way. *
How can people change to that extreme in matter of couple of days. MIL on the other hand keeps asking me "how I got pregnant NOW"....I just smiled and said Allah ki marzi and she is not buying that answer coz she's asking me the same question everyday! I don't know what's wrong with these people!
Yes, it's odd that she keeps asking you. She should be happy about it. I'm not trying to be mean, but if you plan to stay in this home you'll have to pick and choose your battles especially now that you're pregnant. You have to let some things roll off your shoulders, otherwise you'll always be upset. If you choose to take a stand for yourself and be more vocal and aggressive, then that will naturally lead to arguments. If that's unbearable for you, then the only other options are to either adopt a calmer approach or maybe move in with your parents.
Re: What should I do?
Thanks everyone for your inputs and help. I've been really busy lately. I'm considered high-risk for this pregnancy but MIL is making sure she gets more work out of me than ever before. She's not talking like regular (well, she never really talked to me except when needed) but she does order around and tells me to do stuff. It's not even about the party anymore. I think she's just not happy with the pregnancy or something about this pregnancy. They have started eating outside because one of my hubby's cousin and his family are visiting and of course they can't throw this drama in front of them. Cousin's wife gave mubarakbaad to MIL and MIL didn't reply with anything positive, just changed the subject to "aur mausam kaisa hai dallas mein".
I didn't expect them to love me after the pregnancy or a child for that matter. I just thought there'll be "some peace" in the house after this news. Yes, I was wrong in thinking that BUT I didn't have a child just because of that. I wanted a child and so did my husband and now it just seems wrong. Anyways, I'm just trying to ignore her taunts and drama but what's bothering is that she makes me extra work than before. She knows the Dr. has put me on bedrest, hubby told her, but she said "sab bakwaas hai bed-rest, hamare zamane toh dr ke pass bhi nahi jate the"....and FIL just kept agreeing with her and telling stories about who had a kid w/o a dr. back in the day. And then I told her I can't lift the heavy biryani pot when the cousin came and she told me it's not gonna kill me and that she's not asking me to lift a machine in a factory! The pot was heavy!! It's annoying me even more coz I'm already cranky and tired the whole day and barely even get to rest....and on top of that I get to hear jahil comments like that.
Hubby was looking for tickets for them and she plain out said no she won't go. To me she had said "aur aish hojayegi tumhari mere peeche" and when hubby asked she said "nahi itne paise lag jayegen, tum rehne do abhi, baad mein chale jaayengen". If I wasn't pregnant, they would've jumped with joy on the thought of going to Pak. In the past people (even mom) had told me that she probably treats me like that bcoz I can't get pregnant......well, now it's getting worse! So there's a lesson for anyone who might be in the same situation! :(
Re: What should I do?
Have your husband go with you for your next check-up and hear from the doctor himself what ur precautions are....if he hasn't already gone with you. He can ask he doctor in greater detail.
Dont depend on MIL to reduce your work load. Ask your husband if he can help you out with some of the chores and with lifting heavy things.
Don't be upset about them going out for dinner, let this one go instead of fighting it. It gives you time away from them to rest at home and you've been advised bed rest. Also, u wont have to do the dishes, so one less chore. Restaurant food tends to be unhealthier anyway and maybe u will be more upset if you were to be ignored in a public place. So look at the brighter side of the scenario and the opportunities for relief it's providing you with. Try on your end to keep the atmosphere calm as possible so that ur husband is more relaxed and in turn more open to helping you out.
From time-to-time take a few days off (doesn't have to be often) and go stay over at your parents to de-stress.
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^they don't go out to eat they eat in their room but they have stopped now cuz of cousin visiting.
Do u know what bed rest means? If doc has said complete bed rest then from what I understand u shud my even be walking other than to go to washroom. And there u r lifting heavy biryani pots.
Like someone said take hubby to doc with u. Also educate hubby a bit on high risk pregnancy through a book or google or sth.
Back then when people dint goto docs they had babies yes but I m sure there was a high risk of death at birth due to no docs present. When u have an option of docs why not avail it.
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I feel like screaming at you as i would at my sisters when they mess up bad!
You DO NOT obey your MIL or anyone else when it comes to the health and safety of your baby! I thought that would be common sense! God why are you even out of your bed if you're supposed to be on bed rest. You do realise that you'll have to answer to God about any negligence on your part when it comes to that baby... and the excuse my saas told me to do xyz isn't good enough. Seriously? woh kya karleiN gi aggar aap kaam nahi kareiN gi? scream/ cry/ curse, bas na? put up with it, and do zilch housework... she'll eventually starve and cook something herself.
BB you're responsible for a tiny life growing inside of you, protect it with as much zeal as you can.
I'm sorry if i sound harsh, but you really need to stop allowing people to victimise you and pro-actively make and stand by decisions that affect you and your baby.
May Allah SWT bless you & your baby with good health.