What should I do?

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Re: What should I do?

aaw .. so what if she wants to come to the party ? and isn't it being thrown in her house ? .. why are you treating her like the plague ? some people are so mean. sorry to say but she is not the one who sounds evil you do !

22

Re: What should I do?

go with your plan and have a party at Your place withouth Her...
... and while she is still here... plan another party with her for her upon her arrival ... :-)

23

Re: What should I do?

Actually, this place is ours. My husband also bought them a house too. But they don’t stay in their own house and come to live with us for almost the whole year. They’re usually here 9-10 months, hence, they know people from my community too.

People know how she is but they have to show and be nice to her too coz my MIL knows their MILs and moms. And lol, I can’t blame her age here, she’s only 47!

If you read my previous posts, you’d know what kind of happiness she gives me. Besides, MIL doesn’t even know the friend I’m having the party for! And, her son OKed for me to have it w/o her because he knows how she is. She’s only 47 and very active, goes out almost every day to her friends house, whereas I’m at home cooking and doing all the chores and not even ALLOWED to go out of the house w/o her, not even to groceries or heck even check the mail without her!!

Seriously, have you read my other posts?! The way I treat her up to this day and the way she treats me? I go out of my way to please her when she’s degraded me, called me names, threatened divorce…so imagine, if she had been nice to me, how would I treat her?! 2 days ago, she called me a “kutti, haramzadi” in front of the whole family (my husband, BIL, FIL, SIL, and SILs kids) because I forgot to put her clothes in the dryer after the washer was done and she needed them to go out. Tell me how many girls born and raised in America with a professional degree would tolerate it or ignore it?

Help? What help? She doesn’t even put back her glass after she drinks the water, I have to throw her dirty bones after she’s done eating, I have to bring food to her wherever she’s sitting and take back the dirty dishes while she’s sitting…and I should expect cleaning the dishes from her? No on in this house does anything. I’ve had dawats before and she doesn’t even lift a plate or stir anything on the stove even if it’s burning, because to her, I should be able to manage to cook 7-8 dishes simultaneously! Usually, she just leaves the house during the day when there’s a dawat, comes back right before guests show up, eats/talks with them, goes to her room when the guests are gone. Also, I’m throwing this party for a friend (who’s getting married soon) and MIL doesn’t even know this friend of mine or her family. Going out would be different than throwing a party and even then MIL will want to come along!

Restaurant will be the same thing. If I had hidden from her then gone to a restaurant it would’ve been different but now that she knows I was supposed to throw a party for this friend (whom she only knows by name) she’ll think I booked the restaurant for the party and all that, which is even worse! She won’t care where I have the party, she just wants to attend now. Even though hubby tried to explain her that it’s only our friends and it’ll be weird for her too but nope! FIL just sided with her saying stuff like “maa ko naraaz karoge toh Allah naraz hoga, maa ki badua kyun lete ho, maa ka bhi khayal karo” and all that to hubby. No one realizes that she’s out almost every single day to other people’s house or just to stroll in the mall whereas I barely go out and even when I do, I have to take her with me, no matter what! It’s like she’s like my shadow!!

Muzna, she’s not only insults, degrades, and embarrasses me but also causes unnecessary drama! Usually when we have dawats there are all kind of people, her age too, so she is busy talking to them and still manages to cause all the drama. But now, when it’s only our friends, I know what she’s gonna do. The last dawat we had, She caused so much drama that people came up to me and asked me how do I live with this woman! She deliberately threw a tray on food on the floor and people SAW her, and then blamed on me saying “kisi kaam ki nahi hai yeh, tray bhi sahi se nahi rakhi table per aur tray gir gayi”. And that was before people took the food. Then, she kept on nagging at me for little things in front of everyone and called me names like moti bhaens, nikammi, maasi jaisi shakal, and so much more! She goes out almost every day, and I can’t even step outside the house to check mail without her! Did I ever say anything to her? NO! For once I wanna enjoy without nagging and getting degraded! I want to be able to breathe! :frowning:

24

Re: What should I do?

Hmm, like Huma said maybe go out instead of being at home? Or maybe go ahead and do a dawat anyway.

I don't understand meddling people, including relatives.

25

Re: What should I do?

Wow, seriously? I'm evil? Have you ever read my other posts? She doesn't want to come to the party, she wants a reason to humiliate me! I know because I live with her and have dealt with her. And no, this is not her house. My husband bought them a house but they come to stay with us 9-10 months out of the year. But, it might as well be her house because I'm not allowed to do anything here anyways!!

I actually told me hubby to have another dawat with aunties/uncles after she comes back and this was BEFORE MIL even found out that I'm having this party. I knew how she is and that's why I thought of that too. Hubby even told her that but she replied "nahi mujhe isi dawat mein hona hai chahe koi aunty/uncle ho ya nahi". She also said we can have another one with aunties/uncles too but she also wants to be in our friends' dawat too.

26

Re: What should I do?

tell her u gonna have another 'just friends' (minus auntie uncles) dawat for her upon her arrival.... have her to plan the date n party with you now before she go.. ....
....

and NO... do not go out with your friends like others are saying here...... this is YOUR home too.... and you should be able to have fun at your home

27

Re: What should I do?

Well....you for one.

I'm not sure I understand your point here--you clearly haven't used your degree for anything since you got married. yes yes, your in lws and husband stopped you......but you've been posting about your in laws and you've put up with a lot....so......

28

Re: What should I do?

Forget the party.
If I were you I'd demand my husband to get me a separate place to live. Your MIL is cruel. Why are you letting yourself be treated like that by her?

29

Re: What should I do?

Busy Bee, i think you should stop replying to the people here who think you are evil/selfish/stupid. You've said enough, and if anyone bothers to read what you wrote fully , they should know that you're a good person and not at fault.

Although you have put up with a lot in terms of your Mil (and may God bless you for that). i think its time you put your foot down (softly ) and gradually . I don't know how , or when, but I feel like putting up with badtameezi and na insafi all the time is not doing you, your husband or your MIL any good.
God doesnt ask us to put up with injustice towards us unnecessarily .

30

Re: What should I do?

Wow. The level of ego in that sentence right there. As opposed to whom? The girls born and raised in Pakistan who are without a professional degree? How does it make you any better? How is being born in USA, and being able to afford a degree, a matter a pride for you lot? I thought pride was about achievements. I was also under the impression that education is supposed to make you a better person. Oh how diabolical of your MIL to not want to be left alone at her age.

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Re: What should I do?

Her MIL is 47..she is young for God's sake people. Stop saying stuff like "ageing parents" or "not wanting to be alone" at her age. BusyBee go ahead with your plan. You have put up with her enough. You need to start somewhere. Now you should show her that you also have a backbone. It is your house too. She will be causing a drama, calling you names regardless. So might as well have a good time and let her rant afterwards.

32

Re: What should I do?

The b***h in me is telling you to go ahead with the party. Your MIL is a right evil cow!

Why are you subjecting yourself to all of this?

33

Re: What should I do?

tbh.....I'd expect someone with a professional degree to be better versed at handling such a person diplomatically, or at the very least, with some skill as compared to those that are not. but that's neither here nor there.

what confounds me is that fact that you are not "allowed" to go and check the mail without her accompaniment........

you abide by rules like this?
your husband permits this?

34

Re: What should I do?

She calls you such degrading terms and you're putting up with it? If I were you, I'd long have told the husband that I will not, absolutely not, live with a woman who calls me "kutti, haramzaadi, moti bhens". I still think you should go ahead with the party. You've put up enough for this woman, and very unnecessarily too.

I also don't get why people are all jumping on OP. Maybe read her previous posts before commenting.

35

Re: What should I do?

nobody is jumping on OP flawedsoul....at least I don't think they are......

when we post such scenarios on a public forum we are open to receiving all sorts of feedback. some of it will be in support of the OP and some perhaps not in support because people will have different perspectives.

the objective, when posting for discussion, should be to expose ourselves to all aspects of a situation.......be willing to see different sides. if, in the process, we find comforting messages that reaffirm our position, then so be it. if there are opinions that contradict then it won't hurt to evaluate what is being suggested....particularly if the OP has, admittedly, so far failed to be successful in his/her efforts to resolve the matter on their own.

36

Re: What should I do?

I'm not at all suggesting that she should change plans....I merely wanted to understand why she didn't want her MIL to be there.

37

Re: What should I do?

I'm 'around' OP's MIL's age; sure do not consider myself old or aged!

38

Re: What should I do?

What if you and your husband compromise and have the party after MIL's arrival? But before doing so have husband talk to the entire family and say that we compromised out of respect and I would like it if this party goes smoothly without any arguments or criticism from any person as that makes us as a family look bad within the community. Maybe his parents might think he's accusing them, but he can say it's general and applies to every member including himself. People tend to be more mindful when set from the get-go. Has your husband tried that? If not, then rather than tell me it won't work, give it a shot. There's no badtameezi involved in this strategy; at least I don't see it.

Another idea is that you first have a welcome back party for MIL as you had planned and make her feel really special and then hold your party. Set a positive example in terms of hospitality, attitude, manners. If despite your kindness, they still mistreat you, then their ziyadati stands out more and bolsters your case. It would be embarrassing for your in-laws if their son tells them that not only did we delay the party until your return, we also gave you a warm welcome-back davat, and despite these efforts you still created a scene when we had our party. There's no wiggle room for in-laws in that argument and hopefully it'll get them thinking about things.

You could still choose to have the party without her or in a restaurant with the hopes she'll never know. In the first option she'll be upset. And the second option is just an escape and carries the risk of it being leaked and the deception, if discovered, will harden in-laws against you.

Pick the option that has better or less severe long-term consequences for you and ur husband rather than only focus on short-term relief/gratification .

39

Re: What should I do?

I literally get hypertention when I read your threads. I don't know why u live in this type of environment?

40

Re: What should I do?

Wendy: This is our separate place! But, MIL and FIL decide to come live with us for 9-10 months out of the year. And the other two months, they visit other family here and there. My SIL and BILs come to stay at my place too. MILS/FILS own house that my husband bought for them is locked. It's not even like that house is small or anything, it's bigger than our house!

Wow, I guess you failed to see my ego when I wrote what I've been dealing with for the past 6 years. I wouldn't be married to this man, or live in his family if I had ego problems. I wasn't comparing myself to Pakistani girls with a degree in any aspect. I was just stating a fact that PEOPLE around me tell me! I guess people know that no american born/raised girl will tolerate this or any girl in today's generation for that matter. I only said that because people have told me that. And also, I was also giving the impression of girls/women who were ill-treated back in the day, and still decided to stay because of the divorce threatening and "log kya kahengay" stigma. Also, her age, is not a concern and shouldn't be. She's only 47 and mashallah wayyyy more active and social than me....outside the house, that is!

Yes, I abide by this because I can't tolerate drama! She creates drama anyways, but I don't want any more of it. My husband has no choice because he "respects" them. He doesn't speak up. He doesn't permit it but even if he were to say anything, they won't change.....and that's what he has told me. He tells me to ignore all this and that's what I've been doing all these years. Hubby sides with me in front of me, and then when they say something, he follows that. 

    Another big reason is that even when I don't say a word back to any of them, my MIL goes and says bad stuff me in the community...to the point that some aunties have started giving me taunts of evil bahu. I have never said anything to MIL even when she says "kutti haramzadi" to me just because the chai was not hot or her clothes weren't ironed. So, I don't speak up because I fear that if w/o me saying anything to her, the community's already starting to hate me and give me taunts then what if I really did start talking back, she's probably gonna blow everything up in the community too, not that I need it any more outside the house!