Re: What should I do?
Hi busybee I really thought I had the ultimate breakout plan for u but oh well! So is it that u used to live with them before as well? When u were in FL or did they fly in from pak later? One more thing I realized from your info is that u said that they never live with the other siblings for more than two weeks, do u realize that ur hubby and u are both the enablers? They see that they can play u both, ur hubby guilt tripped and u pushed into a corner (because u listen to ur hubby and because u don't want to upset them)
Its like they know exactly what buttons to push. And do u think that ppl like ur pil will not have tried this with the other brothers? They must have had some roadblocks like other sons not taking crap and standing up for wives and also bahus not caring if they r pissing pil off. But they are only able to do that because their hubbies stood up for them. I think in ur initial relationship with pil and also with their son after u got married they realized they can cash on his guilt and ur non confrontational eager to please behavior. I think maybe with time u will realize that no matter what u do they are going to be mad at u, bad mouth u and treat u like shi* and then u will think that u wasted time trying to please them. Cuz if it doesn't matter and daant khani he hae to Phir Banda poori Apni marzi na kar lay and then daant kha lay for something uv actually done?
From the situations that I've seen, in my extended family, it's only a matter of the last straw, cus it all ends after that. Since ur the one showing the sabr then I'm hoping the last straw will b in ur favour when it hits ur hubby after years of discord (unless it becomes so ingrained that it becomes a way of life). In one case I know the wife had been bearing all this for about 15+ years, till her kids got older and stood up for their mom and gave her support. One fine day after a mil beating and name calling her kids called the police and she pressed charges (btw I don't think beating was regular occurence but had happened before at some point, like pushing or slapping maybe or elbow nudge hint hint) , put her foot down that mil will not come back to the house. Hubby was basically spineless and saw no way out (in previous years as well as now). Mil moved in with her married daughter in same town ( who took very good care of her) and lived there for quite a few years till she passed away. After the charges incident bahu controlled all communication between families, cut off whenever she thought they were giving her crap again and basically just lived her life. But do u know what all these years of mistreatment right under Ur guardian's (hubby) nose gives u, a marriage that's dead inside. But ofcourse then U have r children and their accomplishments to live for. It was all the same stuff,
restricting bahus movement, not allowing contact with her own family, picking on little stuff, controlling grand kids life according to own principles, not letting u make decisions for urself, ur opinion not mattering, bad mouthing bahu I front of everyone and the list goes on. I think the hubby gave in and let her go to extremes because kids were grown up and stood behind her and against all the injustices they had seen all their lives. (btw all this was in US)
Anyway I hope it doesn't go to that, but what u have to understand is that whatever u r doing is not making them change, and it won't happen. Well iA anything can happen but just generally it's most likely not to happen. Ur hubby has definitely known his mom longer than u he must know from past experience (b4 marriage) of the drama causing abilities. I think he's also just doing wishful thinking and taking the easy way out ( of not doing anything). The way u have described ur pil unless they have a really life changing experience in which they truly discover God (not the way she has right now) a good change is highly unlikely.
The other last straw could be Urs and I really hope that doesn't happen. But the way u r determined to get thru it I feel u will always find a way to live with it rather than get a divorce and I don't call u stupid for that because I would have done the same.
So finally IMO u should take baby steps and just start doing what u want. Keep ur door closed while using r laptop so no mil over shoulder. If she still asks say oh ammi aapnay laptop use karna hae Mae itnay min Mae day doong, or reply with a question like Ji ammi aapko koi kaam hae. I'm learning these things from my surroundings everyday, I will still never learn the art of it, k baat bhi suna daini Aur doosray Ko pata bhi na Chalay k did this person just say something to me or not. I dunno how they do it, it's this subtle skillful art, that as a punjabi i think I will never be able to master! Owing to the khullay dullay log that we are. Seriously they use this subtle subliminal messaging with their hubbies as well and it works! If u know anyone like that in ur community make them ur friend and start taking advice from them!
Anyway I think my posts always become a ramble but hopefully soon I will get the hang of it! Meanwhile I will pray for u.
Btw when u go to ur moms place how does ur mil manage the house. And do ur fil and hubby help her? Btw it's a very simple line for ur hubby to say "ammi busybee ki tabiyat sahi nahi hae khana wagera aap dekh liya karain. Waesay bhi maa k haath k khanay ki kya baat hae" or when he's calling u back " Ammi busybee nay pata nahi Kub tuk rehna hae udhar, maenay usko keh diya hae k Mae seat karwa raha hoon fikr nahi Karo hum mil jul k kar laingay, ammi khana wagera kar laingi bus ab ghar aao". Guys are pretty clueless cuz they only know one way to say stuff... As it is! And they think it's too blunt. And frankly speaking that's the only way I know how too mostly. These are all the things I come up with when I think I wish I would have said that! And never haazir dimaagh in the moment can I come up with this!
When we got married, my in-laws were renting a condo. I lived in that condo with them for about three months and that's when hubby decided to buy a house. He bought a house and we all moved in. All this time, my husband was applying to jobs elsewhere too. We knew we'll eventually move to a different city/state. He bought that house thinking that he's buying it for his parents because despite living here for 25+ yrs, his dad was never able to buy a house, so he wanted to give them a house. His older brother was already working and married at that time too, but DIDN'T help with down-payment or even a dollar for any of the expenses. We lived in that new house for 8-9 months until he got a job offer in North Carolina and we moved there. We were there for about 3 years and then moved to Atl. In-laws used to come to NC too but not for 9-10 months at once. They used to come for 3-4 months, then leave for 2-3 months and then come back for 3-4 months....coz my youngest BIL didn't have a job then. They used to bring him too (he was doing online schooling).
The other kids don't even bother calling and telling them to come over. Yes, my hubby and I are enablers, we both know it, but can't help it much :( I guess I should've stood up for myself since the beginning and now since it's too late, I have to take baby steps, so, it'll take a long while till I get there.
My MIL is really active. She's not even 50 yet. She can take care of the whole house if she intends to. Besides, she's never done anything for FIL anyways. Since I got married, I always saw him wash his own clothes, make his own breakfast, chai, even clean bathrooms/kitchen and stuff. But, he doesn't do much when at my place bcoz obviously I do it. MIL never does much for him and when they came to stay with us once few years ago, he was doing his stuff and MIL started saying "app rehne den bahu kisliye hai". Since then, he doesn't do anything when I'm around, but when they go to their house for however many months, he does his own stuff. Hubby doesn't help anyone, not me, not his mom. He's really tired by the time he gets off of work and then goes to the gym, then comes home. Hubby knows his mom can do everything, it's just he doesn't want them to say stuff about WHY he let me go.
Hubby's already booked my ticket but now MIL is playing the "can't fly in pregnancy" card. The flight is only about 3 hours and it's not like I'm near my due date. She's just playing innocent and saying stuff like the baby gets effected from the flight.....right! My husband is not even saying a word back to them anymore, at least he used to say "some" stuff before but not anymore....don't know what changed. He's fine with me (most of the time) but doesn't wanna hear anything about them or say anything to them.