Apparently there are loads of people here who disagreed with my advice of considering divorce and becoming independent (financially and emotionally). One of the reasons cited was that the additional stress of thinking abt divorce would be too much for you. On the contrary I believe that seriously thinking about the possibility and the knowledge that you are capable of entirely withdrawing from this horrible situation will be very empowering for you.
others believe that the situation isn't really bad enough to warrant a divorce. I have no words to try to change that view. You came here for a diverse set of opinions and mine is simply that no woman should ever have to wait for it to get bad enough. That's how many women get kicked out of the house in the middle of the night and then wonder why they didn't prepare backup plans even though they knew this was eventually coming.
She is a strong woman, strong women don't quit, they get even.
Busybee, buy bottle of anti-freeze and turn on your nice side and start mixing that thing up with some thanda rooh-afzaa for your MIL. ;) Luckily, where you live, summer is already here. Its time to get even baby.
This is the thing us desis think everything is ok, the MIL treats her bad, its ok. The MIL brainwashes her husband, we all say oh just tolerate , The MIL hits her, and god knows what she actually intended to do and still ppl say oh its ok stay dont get a divorce!
What is next? Why is divorce seen as such a stigma its actually there to help women like OP to escape the abuse shes suffering at the hands of in laws.
I dont say get a divorce immediately but it is an option.
It makes me mad and sad to see women treated like this.
This is the thing us desis think everything is ok, the MIL treats her bad, its ok. The MIL brainwashes her husband, we all say oh just tolerate , The MIL hits her, and god knows what she actually intended to do and still ppl say oh its ok stay dont get a divorce!
What is next? Why is divorce seen as such a stigma its actually there to help women like OP to escape the abuse shes suffering at the hands of in laws.
I dont say get a divorce immediately but it is an option.
It makes me mad and sad to see women treated like this.
The horrid attitude in our cultures to divorced daughters was tossed out the window by our Nabi Pak [SAW]. When his beautiful, beloved daughters Ruqayyah and Umm Kulthoom were divorced by the sons of Abu Lahab on Umm Jamil [Evil MIL] and Abu Lahab's [Bad FIL] instagnation, then the Prophet did what was unthinkable in the pagan Meccan society which stigmatised divorcees-he welcomed **them home with open arms. He did **not treat them as a burden.
*The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: "Shall I guide you to the best (form of) charity? It is to provide for your daughter when she (returns) to you (because of divorce or other circumstances) and has no one but you to provide for her." *- Al-Tirmidhi, Hadith 1296
^Subhaan Allah, bought tears to my eyes cus I thought my parents would truly disown me if I divorced my ex cus they did not understand what he was doing to me, but when I was adamant I was doing the right thing, My parents started seeing with their own eyes the kind of man he was and actually did welcome me back and I feel sooo blessed to still have them in my life. My parents mean the world to me.
^Subhaan Allah, bought tears to my eyes cus I thought my parents would truly disown me if I divorced my ex cus they did not understand what he was doing to me, but when I was adamant I was doing the right thing, My parents started seeing with their own eyes the kind of man he was and actually did welcome me back and I feel sooo blessed to still have them in my life. My parents mean the world to me.
your mil's behaviour scares me. it scares me because i fear for her daughter.. aaj kisi ki beti kay saath aisay kar rahi hain, toh shayad kal unn ki beti kay saath bhi koi aisa karay. phir kitna dukh lagay ga haina?
for a woman with two degrees you're acting a little thick too, i don't mean to insult you but really.. i honestly couldn't care about what you go through as it seems you've chosen to endure the crap she throws at you and i've little tolerance for self induced situations. but think of the child. and if your husband is that pathetic and cowardly that he will let you go to your parents house "and not call you back" then fine, let him. you said you could support yourself if need be. well looks like it's needed right? i would never condone a divorce but really, if after 6+ years this is the situation then you'd be unwise to think bringing a child into this would ease the tension. all i've seen thus far is a conflicted and scared mama's boy.. do you know what you see in him that's making you stick around?
Apparently there are loads of people here who disagreed with my advice of considering divorce and becoming independent (financially and emotionally). One of the reasons cited was that the additional stress of thinking abt divorce would be too much for you. On the contrary I believe that seriously thinking about the possibility and the knowledge that you are capable of entirely withdrawing from this horrible situation will be very empowering for you.
others believe that the situation isn't really bad enough to warrant a divorce. I have no words to try to change that view. You came here for a diverse set of opinions and mine is simply that no woman should ever have to wait for it to get bad enough. That's how many women get kicked out of the house in the middle of the night and then wonder why they didn't prepare backup plans even though they knew this was eventually coming.
This is the thing us desis think everything is ok, the MIL treats her bad, its ok. The MIL brainwashes her husband, we all say oh just tolerate , The MIL hits her, and god knows what she actually intended to do and still ppl say oh its ok stay dont get a divorce!
What is next? Why is divorce seen as such a stigma its actually there to help women like OP to escape the abuse shes suffering at the hands of in laws.
I dont say get a divorce immediately but it is an option.
It makes me mad and sad to see women treated like this.
Here's the thing guys - OP doesn't want a divorce. She does not want to leave him. Read this thread and her previous posts. IMO divorce is not an option for HER. It'd be an option for me if I was in her shoes but OP isn't planning on leaving her husband - she's in love. So now that we know that much - what CAN she do with what she has in front of her? Monster-in-law, bewaqoof shauhar and a next-to-nothing FIL.
If **** were to hit the fan and your relationship took a turn for the worst (God forbid) would you be able to support yourself and the baby? You're going to bring up a kid in a tense environment. Fix your relationship with your husband or im going to sound cruel but an abortion shouldn't be out of the picture. A kid may be a blessing but its not fun for a kid to be brought up in an insane negative environment. If you're going to have a kid please be a parent who can stuck up for herself. Kids notice stuff, no one wants a weak mother disguised as a martyr. It painful for the kid too. Chin up, get yourself together and best wishes to you.
You know what you're problem is? You stated that your mom told you not to marry into this family but you did so anyway so now you're just gonna put up with it cuz you made a mistake? Save the martyrdom for something else and don't kid yourself. I don't think you love your "man" you're too confused/ comfortable to leave. After all that would prove you did make a mistake and wasted 6 years in abuse- better to put up with it for the rest of your life. Makes sense dude.
You know what you're problem is? You stated that your mom told you not to marry into this family but you did so anyway so now you're just gonna put up with it cuz you made a mistake? Save the martyrdom for something else and don't kid yourself.I don't think you love your "man" you're too confused/ comfortable to leave.After all that would prove you did make a mistake and wasted 6 years in abuse- better to put up with it for the rest of your life. Makes sense dude.
/rant over
I agree. I think Stockholm syndrome perfectly sums up OP's attitude.
OP the other house that your husband owns...the one for your in laws but they only live there 2 months out of a year... Is that in the same state or somewhere else. (btw if its far away or in another state then why is that) If its nearby then can't u move there and sort of just make that yours somehow. And let them be here for 10 months out of the year?
If it's far away then make ur hubby sell that one and buy something closer, like 15-20 min away. Make up a reason, ofcourse he has to be in on it. Tell him it is too stressful and this is the only thing that u can think of that could be reasonably followed. So he can say he got a good deal on that house and he likes this other house that is closeby and thinks he should get that. And then when the next blow up happens (which is all the time) he can announce that since u r causing so many problems and it is giving his mom high bp, then for his mothers sake he is moving you into that house so his mom can live peacefully and that there is no other way out. He cannot feel relaxed until he feels his mom is really at ease.
Whatever he says make his mom sound like the victim and u the troublemaker. And then just pack ur bags and run. Atleast this way the only issues u will have will be husband spending too much time in other house. But the buffer zone created by seperate houses will hopefully compensate for that and somehow over time and with excuses he can reduce the time spent there ( ur pregnancy issues, dr appt, labour new baby and then home free!). Then maybe u can finally go get ur mail alone.
Ofcourse if the house is faraway then all this will take time but maybe it can work out? This way atleast ur mil will get some sense of control that she got u kicked out ( instead of u kicking her out) and that she somehow is still in her sons house and it won't be such a big blow. And if he is the one who does all the visiting back and forth it will keep u away from all that and u will be in control of how much u get to meet ur pil.
