Re: What ever happened to good old fashioned MANNERS
I realize that you got burnt in the process and are extremely bitter about the situation but please don't label someone's mother a "b*tch" without knowing FOR A FACT her side of the story. It's bad karma.
Um, you are so far off. You don't know me or my story at all. I've been happily married for five years to my "fob" husband that was arranged. My uncle knew my husband and brought him over for dinner to meet me. We hit it off, and three days later we were engaged. I NEVER went through the torture of having to serve tea in front of countless aunties.
But I have seen countless friends and cousins and my own sister go through this crap. There are so many articles in Pakistani newspapers about this very phenomenon. I find this whole system disgusting. You know as well as I do that many "aunties" abuse this aspect of our culture. I am simply bitter at desi women who undermine desi girls.
The "poor mother" you speak of should take her head out of her a$$ and use some common sense. Some rules to follow:
DO NOT go looking for rishtay until you are 100% certain your son wants you to find a bride for him. Wait until he actually comes to you and says "Amma, I'd like to get married. Please help me find a bride." Quit thinking your kababi son will change when you thrust a girl in front of his face. He will never change.
If your son is badmaash, don't go looking for an innocent girl. Look for someone at his low level, please. Spare the innocents! Your son will not go from being a gora-screwer to a faithful husband overnight. Please educate yourself on your beta's shenanigans. There is no excuse for feigned ignorance. NONE!
Find out the particulars of the girl before you visit her and her family. If you are adamant at finding a fair, tall, wealthy girl, you have no business going to the home of a girl who's short, dark and average means. Find out her education level beforehand. You have no right to disturb the tranquility of a family if you know that you or your son will never accept a girl under 5'3" or one that doesn't have a master's degree. Do your homework before hand!
If you visit a girl that you like, hurry up and discuss her with your son. Do not play the game "Oh, I haven't talked to him." We all have cell phones attached to our asses. Taking a week or 2 is fine. Any more than that is sinful.
If you wish to reject the girl, do it kindly. Tell a white lie, if you have to. Or ask your go-between/middleman for help in doing so. Please stop leading people on. I think most families would rather have a direct answer rather than this false hope.
Take your son with you! Let the two people talk to see if they hit it off. The girl will be married to your son and sleeping with him, not with you. Quit thinking your happiness with the girl is more important that the couple's happiness with each other. It's not.
Re: What ever happened to good old fashioned MANNERS
raatkiraani You’re so very right!
This one aunty called our house for my sisters rishta and tells my mother that she is interested in checking out my sister for her son. My mother asked her some questions about her son and also asked her what she and her son wwere looking for to see if this could be taken any further. The woman goes, “ji abhi tau hum bas dekh hee rahay hein”. My mother said tau jab aap serious ho jain aur aapko maloom ho ke aap logon ko kya chahiyay tau tab call kijiyay ga She kept calling insisting to meet up but my mother never agreed. She finally gave up!
Re: What ever happened to good old fashioned MANNERS
Find out the particulars of the girl before you visit her and her family. If you are adamant at finding a fair, tall, wealthy girl, you have no business going to the home of a girl who's short, dark and average means. Find out her education level beforehand. You have no right to disturb the tranquility of a family if you know that you or your son will never accept a girl under 5'3" or one that doesn't have a master's degree. Do your homework before hand!
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lolz...
totally...there are many ways of finding out particulars about a girl....i mean just tag along with the middle party (the rishta fixer if there is one) to the girl's house as a casual visit or something so as not to freak the girl out. one of my mom's friends showed up with her acquaintance once and me and mom had no idea she was there to check me out. but it was cool though nobody put an act on and a week later she sent us a proposal. the guy himself was sweet enough to contact me first through email telling me there should be no forcing you to accept my proposal....even though i said no, it started and ended in a respectable way and there are is no guilty face hiding in gatherings...
Re: What ever happened to good old fashioned MANNERS
Femme, that's exactly how it should work. It'll cut down on the window shoppers. It seems the dynamic is set up for the girl's family to be submissive and invite others in without screening. So the guy's family always has the upper hand. Not fair. The girl's family should do a full screening too.
Re: What ever happened to good old fashioned MANNERS
Sisters and cousins is close enough. It hit a nerve and you are jumping around like an electricuted monkey. Read on.
[quote]
I've been happily married for five years to my "fob" husband that was arranged. My uncle knew my husband and brought him over for dinner to meet me.
[/quote]
So, you are 18 now and 'statute of limitation' has expired. Good for you!
Edited:
LI lay off the personal attacks. Next time you will get a warning.
Re: What ever happened to good old fashioned MANNERS
These things happen in life, alright, just move on with your life, why do you have to be extremely bitter and arrogant…your basically calling all the mothers who look for a wife for their sons b*tches, is that right of you to do? I’m guessing you support dating and love marriages, since arranged marriages r somthing you despise. Move on with your life, and don’t force your opinions onto others.
Re: What ever happened to good old fashioned MANNERS
I don’t think she’s forcing her opinion on anyone. You can choose to take it, you can choose to dismiss it.
And she didn’t call all mothers who look for a wife for their son b*tches, just the ones who have no manners.
I believe there is a tactful way of looking for a wife for a son.
Sadly, many mothers have forgotten this.
Personally, i’m against arranged marriages but if i was for it, i’d say the suggestions that raatkirani offered are excellent.
Re: What ever happened to good old fashioned MANNERS
it is all pretty obvious, except about gori-screwers, i dont know where she got that, wud being a desi-screwer be better? Statistics show arranged marriages are more successful and love marriages fail twice the % as them. I dont know about you guys, but we are not suppose to date in our culture and as muslims, and besides I wouldn’t want my parents to face humilation cuz of the love marriage, and parents will most likely make the right choice if the marriage is arranged.
Re: What ever happened to good old fashioned MANNERS
She’s against the arrogant, stupid and “clueless” women she’s describing, and hte ones u described, and not the ones genuinely looking for a wife for their son. If you read carefully, just because you’re opposed to this type of bad treatment, that doesn’t mean u support dating (in the western sense) or “love” marriages.. there is a nice, classy way of having an arranged marriage.
Honestly, i’ve seen more ppl in the US date seriously, with hopes and intentions to marry their bf/gf as opposed to Pakistan, where dating is just a time-pass.. when i say dating, im talkin about getting to know someone with the intention of marrying them, knowing their goals in life, their personality, their values etc.. not being wit someoen for a few months, having sex, having a good time, “seeing where it goes”..
Re: What ever happened to good old fashioned MANNERS
Raatkirani made some valid points that are too common in South Asian culture to be easily dismissed and ignored. She had some very valid, some very true points, and I really don't think there's a need to personally malign her for saying her opinion. There are kind aunties and then there are some very viciously back-stabbing aunties. Males, females, there's good and bad. Every human, regardless of gender, is capable of cruelity. I've seen my cousins go through the marriage process, dealing with aunties who take pleasure in inspecting a girl like she's a horse for sale. And then I've seen some aunties, including my own future mother-in-law, who are so kind and sincere, so loving and wonderful, makes a person want to kneel in prayer and thank Allah for such a kind mercy. Sometimes I think we women are our own worst enemies; we drag a girl down out of jealousy and hate. But one day, Inshallah, girls will rule the world. :D And my daughters will be the ones telling the boy 'don't call me, i'll call u.'
Re: What ever happened to good old fashioned MANNERS
Well i’ve had two marriages in my life.
One was arranged by parents: FAILED
second was love: is quite strong and Insha-Allah it will last forever.
I don’t believe that a success of a marriage can solely be based on whether or not the couple stays together. I think the happiness of the two people is the ultimate measure of a marriages success. I know plenty of arranged marriages where it has 40 some years but guess what, one person may be quite unhappy. In some cases, both partners are unhappy but stay together anyway. Would you call that marriage successful?
But to each their own, if you prefer arranged, by all means, go for arranged. If someone prefers love, let them go for love. I believe both can be quite succesful and both have the chance to fail. May God protect us all from failed marriages. Neither way is wrong although people do have individual preferences.
And once again, i don’t think she was against arranged marriages. I think she was saying there is a tactful way of finding a rishta and a just plain rude way
Re: What ever happened to good old fashioned MANNERS
Maybe you should all refrain from making personal comments, including yourself LI. This is a good discussion and let’s keep it going on without side-tracking the issue.
Re: What ever happened to good old fashioned MANNERS
What about the bother way around? A mother is interested in a girl for her son, they propose and the girl's family never gets back to them. I'm sure that happens as well.
Re: What ever happened to good old fashioned MANNERS
Hmmm--- in either case i think families should excercise their manners and whether larkay walay or larki walay, communication should be clear and no one should be left hanging. its just not polite.
e.g bohat khushi hoee aap say mil kar, hum abhi bhi dekh rahay hain OR it was a pleasure meeting with you but we are still looking inshallah we will keep you posted if we come to a decision, in the mean time we wish you all the best for your child also.
You’re so very right!
If you read carefully, just because you’re opposed to this type of bad treatment, that doesn’t mean u support dating (in the western sense) or “love” marriages.. there is a nice, classy way of having an arranged marriage.