Haye Haye…kaisi behaya larki thi…shaadi ke baad fauran apna ghar alag karliyaaaa. Aray humara beta humse cheen liyaaaaa. Aray meine is hi din ke liye paal poss ke bara kiya tha kyaaaaa. Aray usko to mein kabhi maaf nahin karungeeeeee. Aray dekho mera beta mujhse do meel door rehta haiiiiiii. Aray bad dua pay bad dua
Aur kuch?
Re: What does Islam say?
Ladies, just don't go for the idiots posting in this thread. If they're talking crap like this without any basis, they aren't worth your time and energy. Luckily, there are plenty of guys out there who want a respectful partnership in a marriage. They will not treat you as a villain nor as a slave for yourself or for your family. Don't settle for anything less.
And no, in Islam, women are not required to live with their inlaws. They are however required to treat family (their own and their husband's) with respect and care, just as the husband is. You are also encouraged to use your brains. Please don't forget they exist.
Re: What does Islam say?
Khurrant-pana sirf aurton mein hi nahin hota hai...its just as bad among men.
There are far fewer number of men who hate their in-laws compared to women.
Diwana,
Why does it seem like your post is placing the entire responsibility of making friends on the woman's shoulders? Because it is beneficial for these women not to make enemeies in family.
Men are much smarter in this way also. :)
Its a two way street...every relationship. Not just romantic ones.
Two way between who? In-laws and DIL? Why should there be so much rift?
I don't think its about being adamant either. Its about acknowledging her rights as a woman.
There is no such thing as her 'right' to live separately. It is just made up. Mostly by mothers of the girls to use her as a vehicle to satisfy her need of being opposite of boy's mother. (Samdhan)
Her options should always be open to her because they are HER options.
People don't get to pick and choose where she lives or tell her how to live. She is a human being and fully capable of making that decision on her own.
Yes, she should have thought about these rights and options before she got married to man living with his parents.
The idea of "tum subha subha mere maa baap ke liye nashta banaogi aur unki khidmat karogi aur unki dekh bhaal karogi aur saat mere bhi saara kaam karogi aur bachon ka bhi karogi" is rubbish and has no place.
Why should there be a need for him to say that? Ever thought this?
Why can't she just tke care of her in laws, (and he does for his in laws)?
Can they not be one big happy family?
When will this stupid family fued end?
Jab MIL aur FIL ke apne bachon se unki khidmat nahin hoti hai to phir bahir vala akay kya karega? The way YOU will take care of your own parents, no one else will
Nope. Not true. DIL and SonIL do take care of in laws very deeply and this is seen in western culture too. Some of the enlighhtened, liberal women from east have wrong attitude however.
and that is why in their old age they are your responsibility and not the DIL's.
Sad attitude. Very sad and wrong. One day you will be old. One day you may need someone to help you. Hope you do not ever but do not say that.
Its not about being khurrant...its about apni zimmidariyon ka ehsaas. Allah swt has **not **released the woman from her responsibilities towards her own parents so she can take care of her husband's.
Both husband and wife have responsibility to each other parents. Depending on who is more capable and who is more needy.
The other thing is, if girls weren't cornered into a position where they were TOLD to live this way...I'm pretty sure they wouldn't be so stubborn about it.
Again why should there be a need to be TOLD?
.
Re: What does Islam say?
“There are far fewer number of men who hate their in-laws compared to women.”
Not true…they just dont have to deal with them as much as women do or are forced to at least.
“Because it is beneficial for these women not to make enemeies in family.”
Its nice to make friendships, of course. Agreed.
“Men are much smarter in this way also.”
Its not brains that save you all…its pure luck.
**“Two way between who? In-laws and DIL? Why should there be so much rift?”
**
Two way street between the family and the DIL. There is no rift unless inlaws create one by trying to shove her in a box just because she wants some privacy that she has every right to. Why do men not care about their wives when they get married? And furthermore, WHY do you bother getting married if all you want is a maid? You know you can get more if you simply pay one?
“There is no such thing as her ‘right’ to live separately. It is just made up. Mostly by mothers of the girls to use her as a vehicle to satisfy her need of being opposite of boy’s mother. (Samdhan)”
WOW. How completely OFF THE WALL. Are you sure about what you just wrote? I always thought you were mature and am hoping you still are. Maybe you’re having a bad day? She has every right to live separately if she so chose to. If her mother had SO much power and had the ability to create rules in Islam…dont you think her first rule would have been to make her Son in law live with her instead?
“Yes, she should have thought about these rights and options before she got married to man living with his parents.”
She probably thought she could handle it but the issues arise when the same parents who chose the DIL start to feud with her because she wants time with her husband, his money, his attention and they cannot stand it. Thats when problems come up and girls look to moving out. No one gets married with the intention of destroying their marriage lekin sometimes halaat become that way where being separate is more feasible. Its NOT a bad thing. Mama’s boys who dont have the ability to think independently make it look that way, thats all.
“Why should there be a need for him to say that? Ever thought this?”
Uhhhhhhhhhhhh…its not his place to say this…ever thought of this? Is he Buddha? Does she get to rub his belly and have all of her dreams come true or something that all of a sudden his wish is her command? 
Why can’t she just tke care of her in laws, (and he does for his in laws)?
HOW many men do you know that actually take care of their inlaws?
**Can they not be one big happy family?
When will this stupid family fued end?**
It will end when MEN realize what a WOMAN really is. Not what they’re TOLD she is…what she REALLY is.
Nope. Not true. DIL and SonIL do take care of in laws very deeply and this is seen in western culture too. Some of the enlighhtened, liberal women from east have wrong attitude however.
No, they dont. They dont want to. Sadly, our mama’s boys think that their wives get disowned by their parents and now are living breathing maids.
Sad attitude. Very sad and wrong. One day you will be old. One day you may need someone to help you. Hope you do not ever but do not say that.
Why is that a sad attitude? I want to raise my kids to be responsible. I dont want my son to marry a girl and expect HER to be there for me. I want HIM to be there for me. She has responsibilities towards her own parents.
I think men are becoming lazy. They want to dump all of their work on a woman and say “deal with it”. It is your job to care for your parents…why dont want you want to do it yourself? This makes no sense.
Both husband and wife have responsibility to each other parents. Depending on who is more capable and who is more needy.
And who makes that determination? OF COURSE! The husband and his parents decide who is more needy because they had a son and since wife is a woman…she just has to obey. Isnt that what they write on the nikah namah? “You are now property of so-and-so family and you can only leave your susraal when you die”…like a real Bollywood movie? How romantic! I simply cannot wait to be married!
Again why should there be a need to be TOLD?
Hmmm…maybe we have a disconnect here.
If a woman is told unnecessarily that she better be happy living with her inlaws because thats the way her life is being laid out for her…that is stupid. If you gave her a choice…she would probably try to make things work at home first. People dont like being told what to do and how to live. You dont, so why would a woman? How would you like it if your wife’s parents decided to have you be accountable to THEM for everything you did?
Diwana,
Do you really think a woman does not have the right to live on her own with her husband and children?
Duniya agay bar rahi hai aur humare pakistani vaheen ke vaheen hein jahan sau saal pehle the...so sad to read these thoughts.
Re: What does Islam say?
as for the person (wild & free) mentioning 4 weddings, >>>>>> first check in the conditions on which this thing is allowed and that only if u have enough money and enough time to be split evenly between the all wives, don't just bring the issue here as to counter the discussion, now lets see 4 separate houses for 4 wives } income tax people should say hello to u .
Re: What does Islam say?
Imania I am not going to spoil your beautiful support group gathering here. Go right ahead, tell each other over and over again how important it is to live away from the man’s parents, congratulate the ladies who have managed to achieve that goal, and motivate those who are stuck in the misery of having to take care of their men’s ailing/ageing parents. Most importantly, make sure all the single ones have already made up their mind and fully understand the importance of breaking the guy away from his family. While you are at it, the experienced and accomplished ones should post the tried and tested manipulation techniques.
Very heartwarming :k:
Re: What does Islam say?
I acknowledge and accept the rights given to both husband and wife in islam be it woman's right to have a separate place and man's right to have multiple wives.
I believe that there is nothing wrong in living with inlaws . There is nothing better than to have a new set of parents who love you and show shafqat to you.
But when inlaws are abusive there is no choice left than to demand a separate living. I believe that many of the people here on GS have never really seen a woman being abused by her inlaws or husband. I hope they never suffer the pain , agony & stress of a sister / daughter being abused by her inlaws/husband and being treated like a trash. A married woman also have a right to live , eat & sleep. She has a right to get medical attention when needed. She has a right to be treated with respect. She does not get married just to get scolds & shouts from in her in laws who think that she is their slave and they can control her , order her & treat her anyway they like. You don't know how it feels to stand like a mujrim everyday in court of inlaws where they put ilzaam on you , abuse you and then decide the punishment they think you deserve. You don't know much it hurts and how much it makes the DIL feel insulted.
I don't think the men here have come across a MIL who wants all the money her son earns so that she can buy new outfits & shoes etc every week and she forbids her son to buy new outfit for his unborn baby by saying that the baby can wear used clothes of other babies in the family. As soon as the bahu get sick due to anything as small as flu she tells her son to take her back to her mehka because she does not want a sick bahu in the house. She makes her pregnant bahus leave the house in 7th month so that if anything happens she does not have to do anything and all the work goes on to the shoulders or larki kay maa baap and she and her son can be freed of all the responsibilities.
Every situation is different. Parents are blessing chahay wife kay ho ya husband kay but too much fights in the house and abuse eliminates this blessing. It's not just that DIL should treat parents in law like her parents the parents in law should also treat her like a daughter. There should be a balance in every relationship otherwise the relationships can become painful & irritating. I should not be like that “tum humain maa baap ki tarah samjho lekin hum tumhain beti nahi samjhtay”.
It's better for both DIL and in laws / husband to respect each other and accept each other rights. Because one day we all will be answerable for our deeds in the court of Allah.
Re: What does Islam say?
If parents of man and woman are tken care of then any kind of living method is fine in Islam. Please read my earlier post.
*Right, and if they're taken care of, but not living in the same house, then why so much hostility?
What about parents of the wife? They dont' deserve to be taken care of the same way? Or do they not matter in Islam? :)
*
In arranged marrige, these girls are chosed by in-laws and men are convinced by their parents she is a good person.
In laws do that without even knowing that after marrage same woman will ask for separate living.
*So going by that logic......she is not a good person? *
Re: What does Islam say?
ok ladies, it is NOT her responsiblity to take care of In-laws…and she can’t take care of her own because she will be living her husband (in a separate house/or in in-laws house without taking care of them)…
so in short…the women don’t have to take care of anyone…
lets see what the guy has to do..he
has to take out time to take care of his parents by himself, his wife, his kids and also of his in-laws (all by himself)…
oh and also earn enough money to have a separate house for his wife, and to help out his inlaws, and run the household expenditures of his own, parent’s house…and obviously his wife will be having a career n he will have to hire a nanny to take care of the kids…and he has absolutely NO RIGHT over his wife’s earning
i see such a guy a living a VERY VERY happy life..
Re: What does Islam say?
Who said its important to live away Jay? Really, who said its important to sever yourself from his ailing and aging parents?
Personally, my only argument is the fact that her rights are her rights. And if she chooses to live with inlaws, great. But if not…why force her? Why tell someone how and with whom to live their life? Do you like being ordered around? Do you like being told what to do? Would you be okay if you had to live with your inlaws? What if things didnt go the way you liked while you were living with your inlaws? Would you at least want the support of your spouse? Would you at least look for some sort of acknowledgement that you’re trying but things arent working? Or would you prefer she act like its your job to suck it up and live with it because this is why she married you?
Oh. My. Lord.
Can you please highlight posts that say exactly that much? I would like to see how men process information and if certain words trigger the above response.
Okay, the idea behind it is simply that a relationship - ANY RELATIONSHIP - is a give and take. When you’re friends with someone, you give respect and take it. When you’re at work, you give respect to your colleagues and take it. If someone disrespects you…you dont stand there and enjoy it because its fun. You either retaliate or walk away because disrespect is wrong. Its a TWO-WAY street. If someone doesnt give you what you are giving them, things dont work.
Similarly, if you expect your wife to care for your parents…you NEED to extend the same courtesy to her. It doesnt make any sense - this weird servitude towards the inlaws - for women because they DO have parents of their own to care for. They arent orphaned when they get married to you and neither are they released from their responsibilities towards their own parents after marriage.
You cannot expect her to be your parents’ full time servant when you’re alive and healthy. Your parents didnt give birth to her, they gave birth to YOU. Unka haqq AAP pe hai…bahu pe nahin. When will you take time out of your day as a son to care for them? Your wife gets sawab for caring for your parents but that doesnt mean you are now exempt. The responsibility is YOURS and you get gunaah for NOT caring for them.
Re: What does Islam say?
Oh. My. Lord.
Can you please highlight posts that say exactly that much? I would like to see how men process information and if certain words trigger the above response.
Okay, the idea behind it is simply that a relationship - ANY RELATIONSHIP - is a give and take. When you're friends with someone, you give respect and take it. When you're at work, you give respect to your colleagues and take it. If someone disrespects you...you dont stand there and enjoy it because its fun. You either retaliate or walk away because disrespect is wrong. Its a TWO-WAY street. If someone doesnt give you what you are giving them, things dont work.
Similarly, if you expect your wife to care for your parents...you NEED to extend the same courtesy to her. It doesnt make any sense - this weird servitude towards the inlaws - for women because they DO have parents of their own to care for. They arent orphaned when they get married to you and neither are they released from their responsibilities towards their own parents after marriage.
You cannot expect her to be your parents' full time servant when you're alive and healthy. Your parents didnt give birth to her, they gave birth to YOU. Unka haqq AAP pe hai...bahu pe nahin. When will you take time out of your day as a son to care for them? Your wife gets sawab for caring for your parents but that doesnt mean you are now exempt. The responsibility is YOURS and you get gunaah for NOT caring for them.
Tell me things that i wrote....do you not expect a guy to do those? you don't think all those are a guys' responsibility? if i wrote something extra..you can delete that but please do share what according to you are the responsibilties of guys..
Re: What does Islam say?
ok ladies, it is NOT her responsiblity to take care of In-laws.......and she can't take care of her own because she will be living her husband (in a separate house/or in in-laws house without taking care of them)...
so in short......the women don't have to take care of anyone....
lets see what the guy has to do..he
has to take out time to take care of his parents by himself, his wife, his kids and also of his in-laws (all by himself)....
oh and also earn enough money to have a separate house for his wife, and to help out his inlaws, and run the household expenditures of his own, parent's house......and obviously his wife will be having a career n he will have to hire a nanny to take care of the kids.....and he has absolutely NO RIGHT over his wife's earning
i see such a guy a living a VERY VERY happy life..
[/QUOTE]
Hmmmm...this is actually very interesting. I'd like to see if you have the answers to the following:
What do you mean by take care of his parents, wife, kids and inlaws? What do you have to do to take care of your wife, kids and inlaws? Do men stay home and wipe the kids' butts or do women do that? I dont know any man who has given up his career to stay home to take care of his wife and kids so that is an untrue statement right there. By "take care" the ONLY thing you can mean is provide for financially and that is actually your responsibility.
Tell me things that i wrote....do you not expect a guy to do those? you don't think all those are a guys' responsibility? if i wrote something extra..you can delete that but please do share what according to you are the responsibilties of guys..
His parents and his family...the bare minimum. IF he expects his wife to care for his parents (by care I mean cook, clean and do their chores)...he should be caring for her's also (same things for them) because after shaadi her parents dont just disappear. They are still alive, breathing and will need their children in their old age as well. Since when did Allah swt make it okay for men or women to shirk their responsibilities?
Again, you're not exempt from taking care of your parents just because you got married. Your wife gets sawab for being there for your parents but that is NOT her job NOR does it release you from what you should be doing. You owe your parents YOUR time...not your wife's time. Similarly, she owes her parents HER time...not her husband's. As a team, you can take care of both but one person shouldnt be expected to do it all. And if you do, dont complain when she starts calling on all of her Islamic rights like a separate home, money for a nanny, etc etc etc.
I dont even think the joint family system is the issue here anymore.
I think priorities are messed up.
When people get married, its not so the woman can spend her life proving her worthiness to the people around her. She IS worthy since the day she was born. She is daughter, sister, mother, wife, all of it. When our Prophet (saw) talked about the Day of Judgement and how the parents who raise their kids to be naik and saleh people would be right next to Him on that day...He didnt say that for boys...He said that for girls. Why? Because its the women who create homes out of houses.
You get married for partnership, companionship, love, to create a family, etc. Otherwise, we dont need spouses in this day and age, do we? Women are making money, getting educated and as far as kids go...she can adopt or even explore other options so she can have her own baby. What exactly does she NEED marriage for if not for a partnership in life's ups and downs?
To take care of your parents? Get a maid...its cheaper, no shopping sprees, no problems, you can boss her around and she wont even talk back. Im actually quite serious about this because this could be the solution to your problems if you're getting married so your wife can do khidmat of your parents. Im sure she will do khidmat but only SHE will get the sawab for it. Not YOU when its actually YOU that owe YOUR parents YOUR life.
Kids? Adopt or get a surrogate.
Re: What does Islam say?
It was just a simple question...you make it so difficult to understand with all those paragraphs :@:
i still couldn't understand whether you agree that those responsiblities are of guys or not...i am NOT asking how the guy should go about it..or what are not his wife's responsiblities......or whether to get a maid or adopt kids or something...i repeat it here again..
**
**1.He has to take out time to take care of his parents by himself, his wife, his kids and also of his in-laws (all by himself)....
**2.oh and also earn enough money to have a separate house for his wife,
and to help out his in-laws, and
run the household expenditures of his own house
, parent's house......
3.and obviously his wife will be having a career n
he will have to hire a nanny to take care of the kids.....
and he has absolutely NO RIGHT over his wife's earning
Taking care = To be there for them, to spend quality time, bring them stuff,pick or drop them whereever they wanna go, accompany them to wherever they need his company etc etc
Now could you please tell me in plain (like one liners without mentioning the wife*) whether its his responsibility or not (without getting into the details about how he would/should go about managing these things....*since those are his headaches however he may wish to manage)
Thanks
I am just trying to understand the viewpoint
Re: What does Islam say?
It was just a simple question...you make it so difficult to understand with all those paragraphs :@:
i still couldn't understand whether you agree that those responsiblities are of guys or not...i am NOT asking how the guy should go about it..or what are not his wife's responsiblities......or whether to get a maid or adopt kids or something...i repeat it here again..
1.He has to take out time to take care of his parents by himself, his wife, his kids and also of his in-laws (all by himself)....
2.oh and also earn enough money to have a separate house for his wife, ** *and to help out his in-laws, and * **run the household expenditures of his own house , parent's house......
3.and obviously his wife will be having a career n ** **he will have to hire a nanny to take care of the kids..... and he has absolutely NO RIGHT over his wife's earning
Taking care = To be there for them, to spend quality time, bring them stuff,pick or drop them whereever they wanna go, accompany them to wherever they need his company etc etc
Now could you please tell me in plain (like** one liners without mentioning the wife*) whether its his responsibility or not (without getting into the details about how he would/should go about managing these things....*since those are his headaches however he may wish to manage)
Thanks
I am just trying to understand the viewpoint
If he is married, his wife is also a part of this answer...duh.
Those are all of his responsibilities in conjunction with his wife.
*Why is the concept of partnership SO LOST on desi men? *
You're not allowed to dump it all on her and think "Yay, I got married! Now, she can deal with my parents and Im home free!"
*You love your parents? You care for them? Then care for them the way they should be cared for. *
*Living with inlaws doesnt automatically mean you love your parents people, it just means you're using your wife to care for them. Its laziness. *
Re: What does Islam say?
If he is married, his wife is also a part of this answer...duh.
Those are all of his responsibilities in conjunction with his wife.
*Why is the concept of partnership SO LOST on desi men? *
You're not allowed to dump it all on her and think "Yay, I got married! Now, she can deal with my parents and Im home free!"
If he dumps some part of it (i.e taking care of parents..that comes under partnership right?)
*You love your parents? You care for them? Then care for them the way they should be cared for. *
what would that way be?
**Living with inlaws doesnt automatically mean you love your parents people, it just means you're using your wife to care for them. Its laziness.
you said 'in conjuction with wife'......so if you ask your wife to take care of them in someway thats not partnership? **
.
Re: What does Islam say?
You cannot dump unless you're willing to take on at least that much for her too.
Meaning, its a give and take...you take care of her parents and she will take care of yours.
Re: What does Islam say?
and how can guy take care of her parents when he is not living with them?
and what if her brothers (alone or with their wifes) are taking care of her parents? will she then take care of the guys parents because he didn't take care of hers?
yeah one more thing.....like does each n every task has to be equally split? for example taking care of parents,earning money n stuff?
can't they like split the tasks among themselves? he earns the money and she takes of parents? is that unfair (keeping in view the 'partnership')
Re: What does Islam say?
1400 years ago, wives were also not asking their husbands to take them to Macy’s for shopping. If we go by 1400 years ago, they should also allow their hubbys to marry 4 wives.
jahan tum logon kaa faedaa ho, wahan 1400 years ago yaad aa jaata hai. jab faedaa na ho to same time period becomes backward times. 
Re: What does Islam say?
and how can guy take care of her parents when he is not living with them?
and what if her brothers (alone or with their wifes) are taking care of her parents? will she then take care of the guys parents because he didn't take care of hers?
yeah one more thing.....like does each n every task has to be equally split? for example taking care of parents,earning money n stuff?
can't they like split the tasks among themselves? he earns the money and she takes of parents? is that unfair (keeping in view the 'partnership')
Again, I dont think its the living arrangement that is the issue here...its priorities that are screwed up. You seem to think living with inlaws means taking care of your parents is automatically your wife's job. She can live in the same house but does that mean she is there to do their khidmat? Im sure she will do that any way but the responsibility is YOURS.
As for her parents...her brothers will not be there to take her sins off her shoulders nor her responsibilities. No one is answerable for anyone else's gunah or sawab. So, her zimmidari towards her parents is not over just because her brothers are there. And there are PLENTY of families that have only girls. One more thing, having a son doesnt guarantee anything either. Its again - priorities.
Im not saying divide each task and chore so it seems like a contract. What I am saying is its unfair to expect her to live with her inlaws, take care of her inlaws, her parents, her children, her husband, cook, clean, maybe even work AND have people around her think she is required to do all of this when she absolutely is not.
They can do anything they want among themselves NomiCA but its again - a partnership. Its not unfair if she agrees to it and you realize its a partnership where BOTH give and take from each other. Help her out when she needs it and be there for her just as much as she is for you.