hey guys , a friend asked me some question and shared some information with me. According to her, how did a couple used to live when they get married , 1400 years ago i.e. did they live with boy’s parents or girl’s parents ? What was the usual lifestyle after islam came?
What Islam says in this regard?
According to her, there was no living with in laws, they used to live in separate homes >>> More Information Needed.
Re: What does Islam say?
hey guys , a friend asked me some question and shared some information with me. According to her, how did a couple used to live when they get married , 1400 years ago i.e. did they live with boy's parents or girl's parents ? What was the usual lifestyle after islam came?
What Islam says in this regard?
According to her, there was no living with in laws, they used to live in separate homes >>> More Information Needed.
The question is not really correct. You may ask
How people lived during early Islamic days?
How people live back then has nothing to do with Islam. This is a historical question. Not religious.
Re: What does Islam say?
Islam doesn't encourage it but in religious terms it is allowed as long as the DIL doesn't mix with her BILs, cousins and other non-mehrams.. Also, it would be v.difficult to keep proper hijab 24/7 and there are basic rights that the wife has been given in regards to space and privacy which would tend to go out the window if she lived in a typical desi joint family.. Of course she can forfeit those rights if she wants to. If a wife wants to live with inlaws she can do but it's recommended not to (not in the actual same house anyway)..
I can't find anything right now about any of the Prophet's (PBUH) companions living arrangements after marriage but I can't imagine living in a joint family (Desi style) would happen much at all taking into account all the rules about not mixing with non-mehrams, the hijab problem and the emphasis on the wife's rights to her own space and privacy.. They could have lived Arab joint family style tho with separate dwellings but all next to each other or separate floors or something so the wives had their own little places to cook or wash.. If they did move the DIL into the inlaws home and all lived under the same roof surely that tradition would have been carried on?
Re: What does Islam say?
The question is not really correct. You may ask
How people lived during early Islamic days?
How people live back then has nothing to do with Islam. This is a historical question. Not religious.
u didn't get it. I meant what islam says in this manner as today society says bad for children who don't live with inlaws or parents. I just wanted to know the islamic way as to after marriage, should a couple be living with parents>>> is it an order?
Re: What does Islam say?
not an order...just a culturally 'sensitive' thing to do.
Re: What does Islam say?
this means that ‘smart’ girls can use Islam as an excuse of NOT living with in-laws although they might not be hijabi or parda-daar… I have seen women making this excuse of not living with in-laws and using Islam according to their own interest which is pathetic… If a girl is truly hijabi, we should consider her apprehensions about living with in-laws, otherwise its obvious that she is making an excuse for NOT living with in-laws.
Similar situation discussed in this question:
http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?HD=1&ID=7128&CATE=10
It is also said that caring for parents in-laws is not the responsibility of DILs and it is the sons and daughters who need to take care of their parents… although this might not be a ‘DUTY’ of DILs in Islam, Insaniyat bhi koi cheez hoti hai…
This is a very interesting article by Mufti Taqi Usmani which clears many of our doubts:
Re: What does Islam say?
^..nice link
call me sexist or watever…but women have this habbit (more than men) of using islam only when it suits them…husband marrying second wife in accordance with islam is ‘disturbing’ but not living with Inlaws or caring for FIL/MIL is very ‘rightly’ islamic…
you know when some friend of dad comes home…they all go into the rooms and disappear n don’t want to even walk away in front of them…but very comfortable in the middle of bazaar with 100%strangers and all the shops n stuff…
and yeah… in the ‘wedding season’ all the Shariah is totally suspended…spending lavishly,doing the music, dancing n fighting with others and whatnot…
P.S
the next page says she can not leave the house without husband’s permission (of his own free will-not a forced permission i guess)
Re: What does Islam say?
^the reason why most women bring up religion is simply to point out that its not even in their religious duty to do so. the whole point is why shoudl she put up with his parents when its not her duty at alll from any angle.
Re: What does Islam say?
it is from a 'cultural' angle....not from religious angle..
and if guy wants to put restriction on his wife...e.g not let her out of the house...then he is doing correctly according to islam......the same girl should not object to him too...right?
Re: What does Islam say?
^the reason why most women bring up religion is simply to point out that its not even in their religious duty to do so. the whole point is why shoudl she put up with his parents when its not her duty at alll from any angle.
The thing is that if you r following Islam in NOT caring for in-laws and NOT living with them, you shud follow Islam COMPLETELY and not just practising the part which suits you and leaving the part which puts restrictions on u...
Re: What does Islam say?
it is from a 'cultural' angle....not from religious angle.. and if guy wants to put restriction on his wife...e.g not let her out of the house...then he is doing correctly according to islam......the same girl should not object to him too...right?
not all cultural things are beneficial. some are quite harmful. its better to let go of such cultural practices and move forward.
Re: What does Islam say?
The thing is that if you r following Islam in NOT caring for in-laws and NOT living with them, you shud follow Islam COMPLETELY and not just practising the part which suits you and leaving the part which puts restrictions on u...
You are missing the point. the reason why women bring up religion is to simply state a point that EVEN in islam its not their farz . it doesnt mean they are trying to prove their religiousness.
Re: What does Islam say?
You are missing the point. the reason why women bring up religion is to simply state a point that EVEN in islam its not their farz . it doesnt mean they are trying to prove their religiousness.
But in order to support their point.. such women do use ISLAM as an excuse... Its perfectly alright if she does not want to live with her in-laws but she shud be bold enough to say that she DOES NOT like this rather than saying that she wanna do it because of Islam...
Re: What does Islam say?
Firsty. don’t the men do the SAME thing - but they do it even more eg have sex before marriage then nearly ALWAYS expect to marry a virgin wife or the desi divorced men only being willing to marry a woman who has never been married..
Why pick on the girls for this - oh yeah typical desi attitude that that ‘boys will be boys’ and are somehow allowed to act this way whilst girls must be pulled up on it.. Also, just because a girl might not be practising completely doesn’t mean she shouldn’t be given any Islamic rights..
**I bet u googled ‘living with inlaws’ and the only sites that came up supported it were the desi ones LOL
**
Regarding the link in red that site is regarded as joke, it is only taken seriously by ppl from the Indian subcontinent, just to illustrate my point here is some of the other backward cultural rubbish the promote:
**Guidance for the muslim wife ( the method of living together ) **
Before shutting the door at night, make certain that no cat or dog is left in the house. Sometimes they can harm a person at night. Even if they do not cause any harm, they make a din all night and prevent you from sleeping.
Occasionally place your clothing and books out in the sunlight.
Keep the house clean and tidy.
Do not make yourself accustomed to leisure if you desire good health. Do some manual work. The best manual task for women is to use the hand-mill (to grind flour). It keeps the body healthy.
When going to meet someone do not sit for too long nor converse at length. This may frustrate or disturb her in her work
All the family members should be particular in fixing a place for everything. This will prevent time being wasted when the object is required.
Do not place a bed, chair, utensil, brick, stone or slab on the way. This can injure someone who accidently knocks it, especially in the dark.
When anyone tells you to do something, reply immediately either in the affirmative or in the negative so that he/she knows whether you are going to do the task or not.
Sprinkle less salt on the food, because if there is less it can always be remedied but if there is an excess it is difficult to correct.
Do not cut chillies and place them in daal or vegetable curry. Grind them instead, because by cutting, the seed remains in the pieces. If any piece comes in the mouth, it burns severely.
If you happen to drink water at night, look carefully into the utensil and if there is no light, place a cloth etc. over it before drinking so that no particles go in the mouth.
Do not throw a child up in the air jokingly nor let him hang out of the window. This can seriously injure the child.
When a utensil is emptied always wash it and place it upside down. When you want to use it again, wash it first.
After placing a utensil on the ground when dishing food into it, do not place it on the table or daster khwan without first wiping the bottom.
If you are visiting someone at his/her house do not ask for anything. It may be insignificant but it can be embarrassing if the person does not have the required item.
Do not spit or clean your nose where other people are sitting. If there is a need, excuse yourself and go to one side.
Whilst partaking of meals do not mention something which can offend the listener and make him feel uncomfortable.
Do not mention anything in front of a sick person or his family that make them lose hope in his life. He will be heartbroken. Comfort him by saying that Insha-Allah your illness will soon be cured.
If you want to mention something about a person while he is also present then do not indicate to him by winking or by gestures. He will unnecessarily be placed in doubt. This can only be done if the statement is permissible in Shariat, otherwise if it is unlawful then to make such a statement will be sinful.
Do not gesticulate too much when speaking.
Do not clean your nose with your dress or sleeve.
Do not cleanse yourself where there is urine and stool. Move one step away to purify yourself.
Always dust your shoes before wearing them. There can be a harmful creature inside. Similarly dust your clothes and bed as well.
If a woman has a boil on her private part do not ask her where it is as this can be embarrassing.
Do not sit in a place where people are moving about. This causes unnecessary obstruction.
Do not let any smell arise on the body or clothing. If you do not have a clean pair of clothes, wash the one you are wearing and take a bath.
Do not sweep where people are sitting.
Do not throw pits and peels on anyone nor on the road.
**29. Do not play with a knife, scissors, needle or any sharp instrument. You may be careless and hurt yourself.
**
30. If any visitor comes from a distant place ask him if he wants to relieve himself and direct him to the toilet. Do not try to prepare a lavish meal as this will be time consuming. Prepare a simple meal so that he can partake of it immediately. When he intends departing, arrange his breakfast early. In short there should be no disturbance in his comfort and need.
Do not emerge from the bathroom or toilet tying your clothing on the back, rather wear the clothing properly inside.
If someone asks you something, first answer him and then proceed with other work.
Whenever you say anything or answer anyone, open your mouth properly and speak clearly so that the next person understands what you are saying.
If you have to give someone something, do not throw it from far. Damage will be caused if the other person does not hold it. Give it from close by.
One should not speak or scream between two persons that are teaching and learning or conversing.
If someone is involved in some work or conversation, do not go and begin speaking with him immediately. Wait for an opportunity and only begin speaking when he turns his attention towards you.
**37. When giving anyone something, do not remove your hands until the person has held it properly. Sometimes due to a slight negligence, damage is caused. **
**39. Do not run or put your head up when walking. You may fall. **
Close a book carefully. Very often the first and last pages get folded.
Do not praise a (ghair mahram) man in front of your husband. Some men get highly offended.
Similarly do not praise other women in front of your husband. **He may become inclined to her and leave you. **
Do not ask someone about her home, wealth, jewellery and clothing when meeting her if you are not closely associated to her.
Specify 3 or 4 days a month for cleaning the entire house. Remove all webs, lift the mats, sweep under them and put everything in its place.
You should not take a written note or book away from in front of someone to read it yourself. It may contain something personal which is not meant for you.
46. Be very careful when ascending and descending steps. It is better if you place your one foot on the steps, then place the other one on the same step as well. Then advance to the next step in a like manner. It is not suitable for girls and ladies to have one foot on one step and another on another step. Prevent the children also in their infancy.
Do not dust your clothing or a book where someone is sitting in such a manner that dust falls on him. Similarly you should not blow with your mouth or dust with a cloth but instead you should go further away and dust it.
On hearing news about someones grief, worry or sickness do not mention it to anyone unless you have made certain. His relatives especially should not be told, because if the information is wrong, it will unnecessarily worry other people.
Similarly do not inform distant relatives if there is a slight illness as this may cause unnecessary concern and anxiety.
Do not spit or put paan (betel-leaf) on the wall. Similarly do not merely wipe your hands on the wall or door. Wash them instead.
If there is need for more food on the table, do not take a utensil from in front of someone. Instead, take the food in another dish.
If someone is sitting on the bed or lying down, do not call him. If you pass by, walk in such a manner that you do not bump the bed. If you want to put something on that bed or take something, do so quietly.
Do not leave food uncovered. Even if you leave something on the table that is going to be eaten last, cover it also.
The visitor should leave a little food on the table if he is satisfied so that the host does not get the impression that the food was less and thereby feel ashamed.
Whichever utensil is completely empty and has to be put in the cupboard or unit should be placed upside down.
When walking, lift your foot completely and step forward. Do not drag your feet. Apart from wearing out the shoe, it also looks unmannerly.
Always be careful that a portion of the scarf or shawl does not hang on the ground.
If someone asks for salt or for some other food, bring it in a utensil, not in the hand.
Do not speak of shameless things in front of girls as this can make them lose their modesty.
Ashy, seeing as tho u live in the UAE, I would have thought u’d realise that living with inlaws the desi way is thought of as very unIslamic and is seen as causing more problems than it solves. ‘The BIL is death’ and all that..
NO respected non-desi scholar out there promotes living with inlaws or holds it up as an ideal..
Re: What does Islam say?
** Faults women should refrain from **
1. They do not give a logical answer which can satisfy the questioner. They add many unnecessary points and the actual answer is still not known. Always remember that if anyone asks a question, fully understand what is being said and then reply accordingly.
3. Women normally scream when giving the maid a task to perform or tell anyone something. There are two evils in this: One is shamelessness and lack of concealment (pardah) because the sound reaches outside. The second evil is that the message is not understood and the work remains undone.
4. Women generally waste money in useless avenues even if they have to take a loan. It is sinful to waste. Whenever you intend spending, first examine whether there is any deeni benefit or any worldly need. After thoroughly pondering, if there is a need and a benefit, go ahead and spend. As far as possible avoid taking debts even if you have to undergo a little hardship.
Always be punctual especially when travelling. Do not delay unnecessarily.
Do not take too many things on a journey. This restricts the space. The greatest problem is for the accompanying men who have to look after everything. In certain places they have to carry the things and certain places they have to pay the transport costs. Take similar precautions on a train-journey because the more provisions you take, the more problems will arise.
7. Upon reaching a place, women should not descend from the car immediately. First send a male to find out if there is anyone and inform them of your arrival. If there is any male he will separate himself. When you are informed that there is no male in the house, you can enter.
When two women are conversing, it often happens that one begins to speak while the other has not as yet finished speaking. In fact it occurs very often that both start speaking together. Neither of them listen to the other. What benefit is there in speaking in such a manner?
Women keep jewellery or money carelessly under the pillow or open in some corner even though they have the means to protect it in a safe place.
Sometimes you send a woman for some work and she goes and begins something else. She returns after having completed both tasks. The person who sent her is confronted with extreme anxiety and doubt because he has estimated that the work will take a certain amount of time and when that time passes by, he begins to get worried. In the meanwhile the woman thinks to herself that there is no harm in doing both errands simultaneously. Do not do so. First complete the initial task thereby honouring his request and thereafter tackle your other work at ease.
A common defect is of laziness and procrastination i.e. to leave work for later. Most often harm is caused.
There is no brevity in the nature of some women and a woman does not realise that the situation requires haste. Therefore the task has to be done as quickly as possible. Sometimes the actual work is spoilt and the opportunity lost.
If something is lost, women normally accuse without investigating. Do not become suspicious on the slightest of doubts.
Too much money is spent on purchasing betel leaf (paan) and tobacco. At least five or six poor people can be fed with that money. By eating paan unnecessarily, one becomes addicted.
If there are two people speaking about some matter, do not unnecessarily meddle. As long as you are not asked for your advice, remain silent.
16. After returning from a gathering do not describe the form, clothing and jewellery of other women to your husband. This may incline his heart to one of them ultimately resulting in anguish.
Do not interrupt someone who is engaged in some work. This is a loathsome habit. Wait until he finishes his task and then address him.
Always speak properly so that you are understood. Sometimes due to not understanding the message correctly, animosity is created between two people.
Listen with full attention when you are spoken to. Do not do something else or begin to speak to someone else.
Admit your faults and do not make feeble excuses.
Do not criticize any small or insignificant present which is given to you by saying, "what was the need to send such a present? Did the sender not have any shame in sending it?" This is an evil habit. The sender could only afford that much. Appreciate it and be grateful.
Do not hesitate in doing a task which is assigned to you.
**
Do not stitch clothes while you are wearing them.
**
At the time of arrival and departure, women attempt to cry even if they have to force themselves because they fear that if they do not shed a few tears people will say they are bereft of love.
Do not carelessly leave a needle in the pillow as it can prick someone.
Always protect the children from heat and cold as neglect in this regard results in illness.
Do not feed the children when they are not hungry nor insist on feeding the visitors.
Re: What does Islam say?
^I have only posted those two examples to show that site actually promotes ‘desi Islam’ and some of the stuff on there actually contradicts Islam eg. the bit about how men should get out and go to a visitor’s house first, the opposite should actually be done instead incase the women at the house aren’t ready or ‘decent.’
No-one with an ounce of common sense would believe they need to tell a Muslim woman how to walk down stairs correctly cos we’re too stupid to work it out ourselves 
Shows how he views females..
Re: What does Islam say?
u didn't get it. I meant what islam says in this manner as today society says bad for children who don't live with inlaws or parents. I just wanted to know the islamic way as to after marriage, should a couple be living with parents>>> is it an order?
Of course it's not an order, it's actually discouraged hence apart from Pak/Indian/Bangladeshi Muslims pretty much no other culture of Muslims moves the DIL into the inlaws own home (I don't mean separate apartments) or approves of it, have u not heard the hadith that mentions 'the brother in law is DEATH.'
Re: What does Islam say?
Lol… I am NOT AT ALL saying that men do not use Islam for their own interest… Its just that the thread is on the topic of living with/ caring for in-laws by girls that is why I mentioned those links… I agree with you.. even shareef desi men have all the fun in their youth, having gfs, flirting etc and when they decide to get married, they try to look for a pious girl whom no man has ever put his eye on… My post was just on the topic of girls making excuses of NOT living with in-laws.. nothing personal about DILs… (btw, I am a girl myself and will soon be somebody’s DIL Insha Allah, although I plan on having the best of relations with my in-laws and I would love living with them, I am not hijabi and am moderate in my practices, I guess it all depends on personal choices… May Allah give me patience and guidance on this)…
Regarding the link… I do not know about the site, I wanted to quote MUFTI TAQI USMANI who is a great scholar. The web site just present this article by MUFTI TAQI USMANI… I am not at all promoting the site 
There are many other sites which quote MUFTI TAQI USMANI’s same article like
Re: What does Islam say?
^They might promote bits and pieces of what he says but some of the things he has written (inc what I posted above) are considered very dodgy.. As I said it tends to be desi websites that promote the ‘in laws’ stuff whilst if u go to any non-desi run mosque or any of the big non-desi Islamic websites they’ll tend to discourage moving the DIL under the same roof saying it’s a remnant of old Hindu culture..
Btw if u do want to live with inlaws of course that’s ur choice and good for you :k: Just it’s not fair or correct the way some ppl make out it’s preferable for a Muslim DIL to do it or it’s somehow their duty 
(I’d happily look after my future MIL + FIL a few yrs down the line, but in my house, not theirs)
Re: What does Islam say?
In 95% of the cases, its the rules of the house that when a father or brother’s friend comes over, the women are not to be seen in the house. In Pakistan, this works out perfectly fine.
And going to bazaars well theres a reason why some women are comfortable there but not when dad’s friend is in their home.
Some people just like to bash women for no reason.