No, its not always 9-5...but again...its always overtime for anyone that is a SAHM. You might do 5 hours of OT...but they don't have that luxury.
This isn't easy to describe to explain away...I STILL remember when my nephew came along how crazy my sister was with a hyper 4 year old, a hefty infant, recovery, bouncing back so she could help me with the business, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning the house, bathing the kids, her older daughter started private school AND a travelling husband. Not once did I hear her complain.
Now when I think about it...it boggles my mind how she did it. 8 months preggo, trapped in one of the worst blizzards I've ever seen, etc etc etc...yes...what a luxurious SAHM life...I'd say she's not too nuts to want a pat on the back every once in a while.
There was NOTHING easy about that...and I mean nothing.
Your sister is the exception, not the rule. As you noted above, it appears she was assisting you with business. She therefore was working inside and outside the home and didn't expect to be applauded for just taking on one set of duties - multiple duties, yes but not just one set.
Your sister is the exception, not the rule. As you noted above, it appears she was assisting you with business. She therefore was working inside and outside the home and didn't expect to be applauded for just taking on one set of duties - multiple duties, yes but not just one set.
This is...as I said...very hard for many women out there to grasp.
They believe its a bed of roses and any squeak a woman makes is just her complaining and demanding attention.
You don't think my sister might have asked for appreciation? I bet you she did...and she got it.
Keywords: National Manager...who do you think brings more dough?
As I said before...you don't know the ins and outs of every marriage.
Well if women don't want to stay home then they should focus on going to uni, obtaining degrees and developing themselves in their careers. Maybe then they WOULD earn more than their husbands and could be the breadwinners (if they aren't happy in their roles at home). If goris can do it, why can't pakistani women? It is because pakistani women, generally, are lazier. As stated, women at my work (a demanding profession) work full time, have kids and do the house stuff and you don't hear a peep from them.
This is...as I said...very hard for many women out there to grasp.
They believe its a bed of roses and any squeak a woman makes is just her complaining and demanding attention.
You don't think my sister might have asked for appreciation? I bet you she did...and she got it.
Reha I don't think you are understanding. It's not about the fact that women do or don't work outside the home. It's the general expectation that the majority of pakistani SAM that I have come across have this need to constantly feel they should be applauded for doing their duty the same way their husbands do their duties.
Arzi, I guess it's the loog I'm talking about. My in-laws make a big deal how lucky I am to have such an amazing husband who takes care of me. Yeah it's true I'm very happy with him and grateful I'm not married to a wife-beater or something like that. But whatever I do for him is completely not acknowledged. It's just treated as a given that I SHOULD be doing it. So it made me wonder what could I do which would be seen as something 'extra' in susraal's eyes? And that made me think that actually women have it tough and there's not much we can do which 'counts' so to speak.
I think S02 hit the nail on the head. It makes me think there's a bit of an imbalance when it comes to what women can actually do to 'impress'. I mean, if I was the breadwinner, I would happily take my husband out on a trip to make him and I happy. There was a time when I was earning more than he was, and I did buy more expensive gifts and things for him and treat him to dinner, but this was pre-marriage so it was never counted. Now I'm not working, and it's like nothing I do is acknowledged.
you can be the most perfect wife, but you still wont be good enough in your susraals eyes. thats just how it is for the most part. one of my friend is a doctor and she works so hard, keeps everything in her home perfect but her saas still thinks how lucky she is to be married to her son, who earns way less than her and doesn't even help her out much in the home! don't expect any applause from susraal, just be happy with your husband and kids. i dont have children yet, im a housewife but even that is alot of work, cooking, cleaning, so i can't imagine how hard it would be to have children and take care of the house. if your husband is taking you out on a trip, thats great. husbands should take care of their wives as the wife is taking care of his home and children.
Well if women don't want to stay home then they should focus on going to uni, obtaining degrees and developing themselves in their careers. Maybe then they WOULD earn more than their husbands and could be the breadwinners (if they aren't happy in their roles at home). If goris can do it, why can't pakistani women? It is because pakistani women, generally, are lazier. As stated, women at my work (a demanding profession) work full time, have kids and do the house stuff and you don't hear a peep from them.
Pakistani women nowadays are not jahil...I cannot say for anyone in Pak because its been too long since I've been but here...the standard is having higher education. A higher education does not always guarantee a larger paycheck. A good job but not a high paying job where you're hitting six figures.
Reha I don't think you are understanding. It's not about the fact that women do or don't work outside the home. It's the general expectation that the majority of pakistani SAM that I have come across have this need to constantly feel they should be applauded for doing their duty the same way their husbands do their duties.
I don't think that is asking for too much at all...no way. Women choose to stay home, sure. But not by only their own choices...there's a better chance of husband bringing in a better salary so its decided that way. Finances come first. A woman becomes a voluntary casualty and takes a step back so she can focus on her children and family.
Appreciation helps us stay positive and encouraging. There's nothing wrong with it. If a woman looks like she needs it, its probably because she does and also because she's tired of being looked at like "well, what's the big deal? isn't this your job?"
Reha I don't think you are understanding. It's not about the fact that women do or don't work outside the home. It's the general expectation that the majority of pakistani SAM that I have come across have this need to constantly feel they should be applauded for doing their duty the same way their husbands do their duties.
Major difference between a housewife and a SAHM. While I salute SAHMs, I have no sympathy for the housewives unless they have cruel inlaws who are equivalent to having battameez grown kids.
Reha I don't think you are understanding. It's not about the fact that women do or don't work outside the home. It's the general expectation that the majority of pakistani SAM that I have come across have this need to constantly feel they should be applauded for doing their duty the same way their husbands do their duties.
Um, no. I don't think YOU are understanding. I didn't ask for applause for doing my day to day duties, nor do I applaud my husband for doing his. Actually, what I was saying was it's very easy for working men to gain 'extra points' because essentially, they are the breadwinners. So if he wants to buy me a present, or take me on a holiday, he can do that because he has the money. And when he does that people oooh and ahhh. My original question was NOT: why don't I get credit for what I do? It was actually: what can I do outside of the sphere of my expected duties that would get oohs and ahhs?
I never expect to get regular appreciation from hubby for doing what I have chosen to do i.e. not work. But because we love each other, I show him appreciation for working hard, and he does the same for me too. You have completely missed my point and are going off on a rant about how stay at home mums should quietly get on with what they're supposed to be doing.
Arzi, I guess it's the loog I'm talking about. My in-laws make a big deal how lucky I am to have such an amazing husband who takes care of me. Yeah it's true I'm very happy with him and grateful I'm not married to a wife-beater or something like that. But whatever I do for him is completely not acknowledged. It's just treated as a given that I SHOULD be doing it. So it made me wonder what could I do which would be seen as something 'extra' in susraal's eyes? And that made me think that actually women have it tough and there's not much we can do which 'counts' so to speak.
I think S02 hit the nail on the head. It makes me think there's a bit of an imbalance when it comes to what women can actually do to 'impress'. I mean, if I was the breadwinner, I would happily take my husband out on a trip to make him and I happy. There was a time when I was earning more than he was, and I did buy more expensive gifts and things for him and treat him to dinner, but this was pre-marriage so it was never counted. Now I'm not working, and it's like nothing I do is acknowledged.
OP, as long as your husband appreciates what ever you do for him,all is good.
you actually are doing it for him and not for your in-laws. why would they appreciate and applaud you for things that you are doing for your husband, your home and for your relationship??
do you appreciate your MIL for things she must have done and must still be doing for her family, her children, your children etc? if you do the n i can understand the need to be reciprocated by her in the same way but if you also don't appreciate her for these things then don't complain.
^^^ gudiaali, why do in-laws applaud my hubby when he buys me an expensive gift? He did it for me, not them. But they like to remind me of how great he is.
I think it boils down to my original hunch, that susraal will never be happy with what you do, so just ignore them lol. Yes, hubby is happy with me and I am happy with him. So the extra talk from the susraal I have learned to ignore. It used to get to me but I know I work hard in my home, and so does hubby, so that's all that matters.
Mzprincess if you were not given any promotions, increments, bonuses at work and when you did your job well your boss or anyone else at work did not acknowledge it, since that's what you're paid to do, but if you missed one deadline your boss made sure to point it out... how would that make you feel?
Now throw in ALOT of poop, pee, screaming, yelling, crying, sleep deprivation!!!
What I want to know is in this traditional sense of a family, what things could the WIFE do which would count as going out of her way? It's just it seems husbands have it pretty easy in this sense: as long as they've secured a good job, all they have to do is turn up at work every day
MZPrincess, when your in a hard working long term career, how many chances come along where you have the opportunity to change roles, be promoted and switch jobs as your career evolves or simply because the work environment isn't suitable. How many people work long and hard (with out distinction between blue or white collar) only to feel over worked and underpaid and under appreciated? That's corporate life! You are dealing with crap all the time right? Especially when your answering to people you don't like. It comes with the job, of course but you get opportunities and choices to switch, change, leave, quit, end your contract, report to HR etc as YOU chose. If you don't feel the place suits you or your goals or your lifestyle anymore, you pay your dues and keep on moving. It's all dependent on what YOUR goals are.
You don't get that luxury as a mom. You don't get "days-off," no promotions, can't always plan in advance for vacations, your babies get sick and everything stops. It's not about just fulfilling your obligated duty, it's a completely different role. In my opinion, sometimes more difficult because you cant always control the circumstances of how things work out (behavior development, illnesses, potty training, etc etc etc.) Your bound for life, no if and buts about it, essentially giving up a lot of control that you may previously have had. Not to be rude but with all due respect, it sounds pretty ignorant to me coming from someone who has yet to be even married. How many bad days have you had where you can just come home, kick your feet up and unwind? Yeah, no you don't get that as a SAHM.
For the record I'm not a mom, my husband and I both work but from what I have seen, having babies scares the heck out of me because it just seems way more demanding. Mainly from the observation of my cousins. Whom may I add are previously Ivy League grads/consultants/and a CFA that are now SAHMs. These girls spent their entire 20s (one of them till her early 30s) working endlessly to get to where they were only to have an entire change of pace once they became moms and I have never seen them more busier. Babysitting is great when you need it but most women probably don't want their children raised by somebody else and in our culture that's a huge thing. It's not so much for goray people, they don't mind 8-10hour babysitter days as long as their making their ends meat. The same kind of emphasis isn't always put towards a cultured upbringing like it is for Desis. My cousins would have never left their positions if they didn't have to after having babies but you know what, things changed naturally. I just don't think your realizing the day ins and out of a SAHM where it's not only a physical but extremely mental and emotional responsibility unlike going to work everyday. You never get to clock out nor do you have someone on your back keeping you in check (like a boss or supervisor) because your answering to no one but yourself and your family who won't wait a second to voice their discontent with your every wrong move sometimes. Not intentionally or anything, but then ones your usually looking after are also your harshest critics. What I'm trying to get at is, I just dont think you realize the emotional aspect of staying at home and what that can do to your body and mind and why that need to feel appreciated starts to eat you from the inside out. You have a lot more control as a working woman. You can negotiate your way out of situations and every now and then have someone tell you that your doing great. Yeah no, try negotiating with a toddler to go to bed one night, you might see what people are talking about.
Major difference between a housewife and a SAHM. While I salute SAHMs, I have no sympathy for the housewives unless they have cruel inlaws who are equivalent to having battameez grown kids.
S and S you raise some very good points. I am married and my ruksathi/wedding is coming up very soon InshAllah, however, I just cannot see myself expecting a pat on the back from hubby when we have kids etc and my role changes. The way I see it is that's my job and his is his. He would of course appreciate what I do but I wouldn't expect to be put up on a pedestal for carrying out my roles the way he does his,
And I have probably seen and heard too many SAM and housewives whinging and complaining and demanding attention to be one of those. I am not undermining what housewives do, I just don't understand their constant need to be applauded. I still feel as though some are trying to prove a point, to get attention because they themselves feel inadequate (which they shouldn't).
^^^ gudiaali, why do in-laws applaud my hubby when he buys me an expensive gift? He did it for me, not them. But they like to remind me of how great he is.
You should be glad that your in laws and husband have a good relationship with each other and that they do applaud him. Why do you have such a problem with that? Wouldn't your parents be happy if you did something good?
OP, as long as your husband appreciates what ever you do for him,all is good.
you actually are doing it for him and not for your in-laws. why would they appreciate and applaud you for things that you are doing for your husband, your home and for your relationship??
do you appreciate your MIL for things she must have done and must still be doing for her family, her children, your children etc? if you do the n i can understand the need to be reciprocated by her in the same way but if you also don't appreciate her for these things then don't complain.
It's because some housewives have too much free time and hence work themselves up over petty issues to drive them, their husbands and their in laws crazy.
Major difference between a housewife and a SAHM. While I salute SAHMs, I have no sympathy for the housewives unless they have cruel inlaws who are equivalent to having battameez grown kids.
Um, no. I don't think YOU are understanding. I didn't ask for applause for doing my day to day duties, nor do I applaud my husband for doing his. Actually, what I was saying was it's very easy for working men to gain 'extra points' because essentially, they are the breadwinners. So if he wants to buy me a present, or take me on a holiday, he can do that because he has the money. And when he does that people oooh and ahhh. My original question was NOT: why don't I get credit for what I do? It was actually: what can I do outside of the sphere of my expected duties that would get oohs and ahhs?
I never expect to get regular appreciation from hubby for doing what I have chosen to do i.e. not work. But because we love each other, I show him appreciation for working hard, and he does the same for me too. You have completely missed my point and are going off on a rant about how stay at home mums should quietly get on with what they're supposed to be doing.
Well lady I can tell you that probably nothing is going to get you an ooh and an aaah for being a SAM because the fact of the matter is that's your role. There really isn't much room to get applause when you are dealing with somewhat mundane tasks day in and day out- somehow I doubt hubby would notice if you vacuum twice a week instead of one. And really, you state that HE is happy with you and appreciates you so why be concerned about the in laws? Let them applaud their son the way I'm sure your parents applaud you.
Major difference between a housewife and a SAHM. While I salute SAHMs, I have no sympathy for the housewives unless they have cruel inlaws who are equivalent to having battameez grown kids.
S and S you raise some very good points. I am married and my ruksathi/wedding is coming up very soon InshAllah, however, I just cannot see myself expecting a pat on the back from hubby when we have kids etc and my role changes. The way I see it is that's my job and his is his. He would of course appreciate what I do but I wouldn't expect to be put up on a pedestal for carrying out my roles the way he does his,
And I have probably seen and heard too many SAM and housewives whinging and complaining and demanding attention to be one of those. I am not undermining what housewives do, I just don't understand their constant need to be applauded. I still feel as though some are trying to prove a point, to get attention because they themselves feel inadequate (which they shouldn't).
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I get the attention part but that might be for numerous reasons considering someone's upbringing and the environment they themselves were raised in, schooling probably. But what IF your hubby wasn't appreciative of what you did everyday considering its all for him. Its a what if, but how would you react or feel? Maybe that's where it starts from. Not all moms are whiney, sometimes they really are screaming out for attention their not getting. Like someone said, you don't know the ins and out of a marriage to realize where they are coming from.
I think though your talking about girls who were never really career people anyway and chose not to necessarily work ever unless they wanted to. Like people who knew motherhood would be their occupation from day 1. Honestly, in that regard that's why I feel like its so important to make sure you always keep all your options open and you have something else to fall back on because "the grass isn't always greener on the other side." Reality hits sometimes when it's too late.
I know this may be a bit hard to swallow for the people this is being directed to, but please donnot take offence at what i am going to say.
Mzprincess: what you are saying is justified, but upto some extent. My personal opinion is that whilst SAHMs deserve a lot of credit, the constant need for a person to be praised and appreciated shows their insecurity.
The million dollar question is
Should praise be given to that insecure person who happens to be your wife?
I dont know how others feel about it but personally i am of the opinion that praising your better half after a long day is not much of a price to pay for someone who makes an effort to make your life at home better.
Logically speaking, what did you lose by uttering " honey i really appreciate what you do every day, the food was delicious and i love you"
Did that cost you money? Or did that jab your ego? No! You just appreciated your wife, the mother of your children and the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Mzprincess have a bit of empathy, it goes a long way in life.
Reha: you dont always need to take a stand and argue for the sake of arguing. Everyone has a right to hold an opinion whatever it may be. It is your discretion to agree or not, but bashing someone for not holding the same view as you is a bit below the belt and not upto the standard i personally feel you belong too.
P.S I really admire your flame and joie de vivre and it makes my day reading your posts. Also many congrats on getting married and i pray for the continuation of your happy union.
Nnabid: the only thing i am going to say is "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."
Dont get let down by peoples words and comments and if your husband loves you, there is not a better life than that.
Regards all.