In a husband-wife relationship where traditional roles are being fulfilled. By traditional I mean: husband is the breadwinner, and wife is the homemaker. Both have their roles to fulfil in the relationship in order to make it work - husband carries the entire financial burden, and wife takes care of the children, mealtimes, general household chores etc.
What I want to know is in this traditional sense of a family, what things could the WIFE do which would count as going out of her way? It’s just it seems husbands have it pretty easy in this sense: as long as they’ve secured a good job, all they have to do is turn up at work every day. Anything else, like buying your wife a small gift, and people start praising him that he’s such a good husband as he’s going the extra mile.
In the capacity of a homemaker, what could the wife do that would possibly ‘count’ as going the extra mile? I just think women have it unfair, because even if you were to slave over an oven all day making the most difficult dish, no-one would bat an eyelid because you’re ‘expected’ to do that. But your husband takes you to a nice country for a week, and everyone starts saying ooh wow you are so lucky you have a good husband who takes care of you… well, I take care of HIM too you know!
So. What counts as ‘extra’?
Orrrr… is this just in-law talk I should be expecting, and therefore ignoring?
A big challenge of being a SAHM is that your hardwork and creativity doesn't get acknowledged from the outside world. There is no boss or colleague to commend you and acknowledge your expertise. You can throw parties and invite people hoping to impress them, you can post photos online of various things you do, but you may get just as many negative comments because that's how people are. And in the end, it doesn't really matter what others think. What matters is the kind of atmosphere you create for your family.
So you have to run your household for yourself. Achieve things for yourself. Be proud of yourself. Run the home because that is what you want to do and because it is important to you. Don't do it to chase after others' approval. It's not worth it.
It's just the two of you, right? How much work can it possibly be at home? I am sure when your kid comes along, your husband will see how much you work and will appreciate you taking care of him and his kid.
You want the appreciation from husband or from “loog” ?
In case of husband, I guess just do everything from dil se and that should do the trick. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t appreciate coming home to a clean house, home cooked meal and a wonderful wife
In case of “loog” I don’t think you should have high hopes.
Arzi, I guess it's the loog I'm talking about. My in-laws make a big deal how lucky I am to have such an amazing husband who takes care of me. Yeah it's true I'm very happy with him and grateful I'm not married to a wife-beater or something like that. But whatever I do for him is completely not acknowledged. It's just treated as a given that I SHOULD be doing it. So it made me wonder what could I do which would be seen as something 'extra' in susraal's eyes? And that made me think that actually women have it tough and there's not much we can do which 'counts' so to speak.
I think S02 hit the nail on the head. It makes me think there's a bit of an imbalance when it comes to what women can actually do to 'impress'. I mean, if I was the breadwinner, I would happily take my husband out on a trip to make him and I happy. There was a time when I was earning more than he was, and I did buy more expensive gifts and things for him and treat him to dinner, but this was pre-marriage so it was never counted. Now I'm not working, and it's like nothing I do is acknowledged.
^ If you're feeling unappreciated or under-acknowledged by your husband, than talk to him about it (without making accusations; most likely he's unaware). Beyond that, don't worry what others' think. Do what you feel is right and best. You will get respect from the sensible and caring people. The rest don't matter.
There may be some backlash following my comments but these are my views. I don't understand why stay at home moms/women/home makers feel the need to be constantly applauded and appreciated for what they do? We all have jobs, some have them outside the house and some have them inside the home. If you think about it, stay at home women DO have it easier- they can get up when they want, rest when they want and essentially DO what they want whereas in a work environment you follow your work's rules. How many women applaud their husbands for going to work everyday? Why would you then expect to be applauded for carrying out your role? It doesn't make sense. You choose to stay at home so that means you choose to carry out the duties associated with that but don't expect to be treated like you change the world everyday by cooking, cleaning and ironing (not saying that women who have careers change the world but just in general).
I am changing the world everyday by giving quality time and love to my child when I am home and not working. I am changing the world everyday by making sure I work on installing good habits/values in my child, make him a responsible and loving human being.
It annoys the hell out of me when people think that stay at home moms don't need an applaud for their work at home because they got it easy by staying home and sleeping in all day. My child wakes up at 6:30 and it does not matter if it is my day off from work or not, I am up and running with him. Stay at home moms do not have it easier, they are running a damn child care in the house while cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc.
Since I work half week and stay at home half week, therefore, I know what it is like to be a SAHM and WM. Both are equally challenging.
OP, as far as your husband is appreciative of you, I would not really bother what other people think.
*If you are changing the world by ensuring that your child has the best upbringing possible, why do you need to be applauded for that? It's your RESPONSIBILITY as a parent to do that. When a person decides to have children, it's their DUTY to raise that child to the best of their ability. I don't understand why a woman should be given a pat on the back for doing that? How many times is a husband applauded for attending work every day? So why does a SAM need constant appreciation? He does his job, you do yours and simple. I am currently working, I have a career. I may or may not work long term after my ruksathi but if I was a SAM I certainly wouldn't expect hubby to constantly tell me how wonderful I am for staying home. Of course he would appreciate the things I would do for him at home but at the end of the day even if he didn't applaud me 24/7 I wouldn't expect him to. Not when he would be working 8 plus hours a day outside the house to ensure the best for me and future kids. Perhaps having a career myself has made me more aware of the challenges associated with having a career outside the home.
There may be some backlash following my comments but these are my views. I don't understand why stay at home moms/women/home makers feel the need to be constantly applauded and appreciated for what they do? We all have jobs, some have them outside the house and some have them inside the home. If you think about it, stay at home women DO have it easier- they can get up when they want, rest when they want and essentially DO what they want whereas in a work environment you follow your work's rules. How many women applaud their husbands for going to work everyday? Why would you then expect to be applauded for carrying out your role? It doesn't make sense. You choose to stay at home so that means you choose to carry out the duties associated with that but don't expect to be treated like you change the world everyday by cooking, cleaning and ironing (not saying that women who have careers change the world but just in general).
You may have a point but I think mums both working or staying at home deserve at a lot of credit. However, the part in bold is not true at all. I don't have kids but I've seen plenty of stay at home mums to know that this isn't true at all.
There may be some backlash following my comments but these are my views. I don't understand why stay at home moms/women/home makers feel the need to be constantly applauded and appreciated for what they do? We all have jobs, some have them outside the house and some have them inside the home. If you think about it, stay at home women DO have it easier- they can get up when they want, rest when they want and essentially DO what they want whereas in a work environment you follow your work's rules. How many women applaud their husbands for going to work everyday? Why would you then expect to be applauded for carrying out your role? It doesn't make sense. You choose to stay at home so that means you choose to carry out the duties associated with that but don't expect to be treated like you change the world everyday by cooking, cleaning and ironing (not saying that women who have careers change the world but just in general).
Um...I don't think you realize what a SAHM really does. Being a SAHM ain't no joke. You work 9-5...you punch out at 5...they don't.
I've babysat my nephew and nieces...I kept my older niece when she was abut 2.5 for an entire month because my sister had training in another state. Remember, this is only babysitting...it does not even compare to a school going kid's schedule or an infant's. I had nothing to do with her education, her religious education, her eating habits, her doc appts, her homework, her potty training, nothing. I played khala so we just did fun stuff...and it was hard but easier than when she was much younger and now when she's much older and demands even more attention. You get to spoil kids as aunts but my sisters are in charge of not spoiling them...harder.
They do not wake up whenever they want...they wake up when the kid wakes and that can be 9am or 3am or 6am like my niece did for a while so she can take Qur'an clsses...and no...they do not just roll over and go to beddy bye. They don't play in a corner quietly. They don't just smile silently like you might have seen in pictures...they poop, drool, pee, puke, all of it anytime they want. And after that, they don't just wait for you to find time to clean them up either...you are required to set your schedule around theirs.
You may have a point but I think mums both working or staying at home deserve at a lot of credit. However, the part in bold is not true at all. I don't have kids but I've seen plenty of stay at home mums to know that this isn't true at all.
Im not saying they don't deserve credit, I just feel as though they constantly have this need to be told that they are changing the world when they are just doing what they choose to- I.e: stay home, raise kids etc. I work with women who work FULL TIME in a lucrative career AND manage the house AND raise kids and don't crave for this such appreciation and attention. It seems to be more prevalent among desis and Pakistani women. Just an observation.
Im not saying they don't deserve credit, I just feel as though they constantly have this need to be told that they are changing the world when they are just doing what they choose to- I.e: stay home, raise kids etc. I work with women who work FULL TIME in a lucrative career AND manage the house AND raise kids and don't crave for this such appreciation and attention. It seems to be more prevalent among desis and Pakistani women. Just an observation.
No, this isn't about desies...they're not the only kind of women who stay home.
Many times...people assume that since the other party isn't working...they've got it made. They stay home and everything just works out for them. Sure, for some women it might. But like your posts suggest...you can't really visibly "see" what SAHM moms might be doing since its not being direct deposited into the bank account every month...its harder to appreciate a person when you're supporting them financially.
Um...I don't think you realize what a SAHM really does. Being a SAHM ain't no joke. You work 9-5...you punch out at 5...they don't.
I've babysat my nephew and nieces...I kept my older niece when she was abut 2.5 for an entire month because my sister had training in another state. Remember, this is only babysitting...it does not even compare to a school going kid's schedule or an infant's. I had nothing to do with her education, her religious education, her eating habits, her doc appts, her homework, her potty training, nothing. I played khala so we just did fun stuff...and it was hard but easier than when she was much younger and now when she's much older and demands even more attention. You get to spoil kids as aunts but my sisters are in charge of not spoiling them...harder.
They do not wake up whenever they want...they wake up when the kid wakes and that can be 9am or 3am or 6am like my niece did for a while so she can take Qur'an clsses...and no...they do not just roll over and go to beddy bye. They don't play in a corner quietly. They don't just smile silently like you might have seen in pictures...they poop, drool, pee, puke, all of it anytime they want. And after that, they don't just wait for you to find time to clean them up either...you are required to set your schedule around theirs.
I really don't even know where to begin...
Yes but effectively that's what you do at work too- you have tasks you need to complete (and it isn't always 9-5 that's a misconception) and you complete them. If your husband doesn't expect a pat on the back for his work, why does a SAM? It doesn't make sense. As noted, this is not a debate about who has it easier it's about the constant need of some SAM's to crave attention and applause for what they do when they made the choice to take on these duties. There are times when I speak to some pakistani friends who are SAM and it is blatantly obvious that the need for applause arises from their own internal inadequacy and boredom from being at home. Not saying that SAM are inadequate but that's the vibe I get- they don't feel they are contributing anything of value (in situations where there are no kids) and so constantly need to be told how fantastic they are for doing the ironing. Like really?
No, this isn't about desies...they're not the only kind of women who stay home.
Many times...people assume that since the other party isn't working...they've got it made. They stay home and everything just works out for them. Sure, for some women it might. But like your posts suggest...you can't really visibly "see" what SAHM moms might be doing since its not being direct deposited into the bank account every month...its harder to appreciate a person when you're supporting them financially.
Well yes iv heard this argument before too, that is, "we don't get paid to stay home." But you CHOOSE to stay home! You have the option to work outside the home but choose not to for whatever reason. I don't ask hubby or my parents etc to applaud me for going to work, so why does a SAM expect it for doing her duties?
No, its not always 9-5...but again...its always overtime for anyone that is a SAHM. You might do 5 hours of OT...but they don't have that luxury.
This isn't easy to describe to explain away...I STILL remember when my nephew came along how crazy my sister was with a hyper 4 year old, a hefty infant, recovery, bouncing back so she could help me with the business, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning the house, bathing the kids, her older daughter started private school AND a travelling husband. Not once did I hear her complain.
Now when I think about it...it boggles my mind how she did it. 8 months preggo, trapped in one of the worst blizzards I've ever seen, etc etc etc...yes...what a luxurious SAHM life...I'd say she's not too nuts to want a pat on the back every once in a while.
There was NOTHING easy about that...and I mean nothing.
Well yes iv heard this argument before too, that is, "we don't get paid to stay home." But you CHOOSE to stay home! You have the option to work outside the home but choose not to for whatever reason. I don't ask hubby or my parents etc to applaud me for going to work, so why does a SAM expect it for doing her duties?
No...women don't always choose to be home...daycare costs more than what a lot of "couples" are willing to pay. You don't know the nitty gritty of every marriage...you're an outside observer. Many couples mutually decide that the wife will stay home because its a better choice than a man staying home. Can daddy breastfeed? No. Its mama.
No...women don't always choose to be home...daycare costs more than what a lot of "couples" are willing to pay. You don't know the nitty gritty of every marriage...you're an outside observer. Many couples mutually decide that the wife will stay home because its a better choice than a man staying home. Can daddy breastfeed? No. Its mama.
Breast milk can be placed in bottles nowadays. Our firm's national manager has 4 kids, her husband stays at home while she works.
