wedding preps and the life after

Lifestyle Relationships
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we were at an iftar yesterday and recently someone in our social circle got married, so they were being discussed.

so the aunty’s son was to be married. she and her daughter went to pakistan where the girl was, shopped with her, spent money and lots of it. went for designer stuff. came back. the wedding preps in total were going on for a yr and both sides were mega excited. i dont know much bout the girls family cuz we dont know them. but the guys’s side.. boy oh boy .. they left no stone unturned when it came to wedding planning. event planning, best of banquet hall, decoration, bury that was readied which we women got to see was breath taking.. jewellary both gold and artificial, bangles to go with each heavy outfit, shoes purses.. the works. and aunty talked bout everything with such love for the bahu.. that she wants for her bahu how she would wnat for her daughter to be treatd by her in laws.

finally when the wedding took place, it was AMAZING.. stalls of this and that, good photography.. so much respect for the bride and all that jazz. everyone couldnt stop saying just how lucky teh bride was cuz not many in laws do so much for the bahu.. so the girl was really lucky to have landed such nice ppl who were making a big deal out of her wedding day.

fast forward to 6 months after marriage and its hell. mil is suddenly crazy, hates the bahu, son is going crazy trying to make the mil and his wife get along.. just a LOT of issues at home with the mil questioning where the couple go out, why do they ahve to go out, why she doesnt wear her bury clothes when she goes out… just very very typical mindset and suffocating for the bahu.

this is one scenerio. usually the first glimpse of how ure in laws will be is the way they arrange the wedding… and ive seen so so so so many auntys go all out and do so mcuh for the bahu.. and everyone cant stop saying wow the girl is so lucky.. but once the real deal starts and the girl moves in.. things suddenly go bad and now the girl is very unlucky.. bechari larki kidhar phass gayi.

how your wedding goes and how much your in laws do for u at ure wedding .. i dont think means anthing as to how your life will be as a married person and a bahu.

its as if.. all emphasis is on the wedding.. thats it.. agay ka kuch nahi patha.. lets just focus on the wedding day itself… how to treat the bahu, or what changes will have to be made to the daily routine.. it seems most households dont give much thought to. isnt that the most important part of the marriage though?

dont know. just seen a lot of such cases happening very close together and just made me think .

you cant equate materialistic things with mental peace. a friend of mine was telling her mil to chillax bout something and the mil was surprised and said why do u say i dont care about u, i made such beautiful clothes for you, i buy you such nice things

:hammer:

your thoughts?

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Re: wedding preps and the life after

I totally agree with you. Nowadays, families dont even look at the wider picture when getting their sons and daughters married off. Everyone just cares about how much money the family has etc. Like you said everyone was saying how lucky the bride was to get soo much clothes etc from her inlaws, but thats no big deal that doesnt mean she is going to be lucky after marriage. Material wealth can only make you happy upto a point. Now poor girl doesnt get on with her MIL and its this MIL that gave her all jewelley for her wedding. I think the MIL just did it to show outsiders how rich she is and how much she gave to her daughter in law.

Too much emphasise is being placed on the actual wedding and not the marriage. Its like some girls only want to get married for the wedding and not for the marriage itself. Inlaws will always act differently before the wedding, but when reality hits, thats when everything goes pear shaped.

I hope the MIL and the newly married bride sort out their differences. Either that or they will have to move out!

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Re: wedding preps and the life after

By the way where was the wedding?

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Re: wedding preps and the life after

denmark

no sometimes famillies will have weddings according to traditions.. armaan hothay hain and lately so many new traditions have been formed and ppl are going crazy just wanting everything at their childrens weddings... its all good.. do all the rasmay and rivaaj if you can afford it.. but also think about how you will deal with the person you are bringing into the family... spending lots of money and giving them a beautiful wedding does not mean your part is done.

cuz honestly.. ask the mil and that is what they say... *humnay tho itnay shaan shokat aur piyar se shaadi kari thi.. itni piyar se biya ke laye thay larki ko... * just by that thought u can tell that the most imp thing to them was that the wedding be grand. thats it

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Re: wedding preps and the life after

simplicity and less expense is better. anything that is above board and useless, is a waste of money and expecting anything beyond reasonable gifts or wasteful spending on the wedding related events itself is not wise.

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Re: wedding preps and the life after

Well .. I think both parties have too high hopes and umeed from each other and when those expectations are not met then is when the clash happens. The mil has high expectation to the new bahu - Haye meri bahu hogi meri kidmat karegi bla bla .. on the other side the dil has her own dreamz and wishes - haye meri mil abhi se itni achi hai .. main to raj karongi. And to all that add the aunties from khandaan who will as soon as the wedding is over start with the mil "haye tumne itna kuch kiya aur isse dekho" .. to the dil "tumhare saath to bohat bura huva .. pehle kaise te ab dekho kaise hain .."

Recently a family we know had their son married in Pak. The wedding preparations were major. The girls family told the MIL that they will make their own buri/vari and that she should just hand them the money. No problem after all many people do that nowadays. Now the girls family went all out and bought a necklace for 13 lakhs. The MIL of course shared tht information with her sis/inlaws/friends. and the problem started already on the Valima day when one auntie asked the MIL "kaha hai tumhara 13 lakh ka set" claiming the set the girl was wearing could hardly be worth 13 lakh .. Probably the MIL wasnt wondering before, but I bet she will start wondering whether the girls family made a fool out of her .. That I'm sure will give some difficulties in the future for the bahu ..

Too much money involved = too many problems!

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Re: wedding preps and the life after

hehe sweet moi.. very good points... and thats exactly what happens.
lol at 13 lakh ka set :D

dushwari: i think the problem would then be, see how kanjoos her in laws were, they didnt do anything at the wedding.. they probably dont have enough dreams or desires, poor girl.. etc etc

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Re: wedding preps and the life after

Yes many mothers, even brides mothers just want grand wedding so that people dont look down on them. But to hell with what people think! This is all about showing off but to be honest I think it is pretty sad! Islam says simplicity is the best.

Khawateen: But what is the girl who is getting married isnt a poor girl in her own eyes. What if she wanted a simple wedding. On my wedding to be honest I only got one gold set from my mil and I was happy. I even said to her that I didnt want a tikka or jhomar but then ended up wearing one anyway as I am not a girl who likes gold that much.

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Well they are in Denmark too ;)

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You are right. Loads of the over expenses are based entirely on the "what will people say"-argument. I remember once talking with my SIL about gold. She has got loads from her and mine parents - which btw is just rotting in bank boxes :p. And her arguement for having to wear so much gold was .. "humari taraf to sub yehi dekhte hain ke kitna sona pehna hai isne" .. Lets not forget she is a well educated woman ... I think it must be the desi mentality so

Competition of the Month : Photography
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I believe most of the times whatever is being done for the bahu is really being done to show the world what they're capable of doing. For example: when the MIL gets nice clothes and jewellery for the bahu it's intended to impress the MIL's friends and family to show them off. Even when it comes to wedding planning and nice halls and all it's not all for the bahu it's this status thing and they do it for them not the bahu. BUT then again this is not how all the in laws are only Some.

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Re: wedding preps and the life after

we can changethis by not wanting to wear over board any jewlery. no one's parents - boy's or the girl's should have tp break their back to ful fill this non sense expectation.

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Re: wedding preps and the life after

actually show tau banani hoti haina logon nai phir unki thinking typically sick kyun na ho they hafto show everyone else how lavishly they planned the wedding if the MIL u mentioned really loved her bahu the way she planned everything for her she wouldnt go crazy afterwards :S

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Another case of HIGH EXPECTATIONS. MIL thought so highly of DIL and in her own imagination conjured up a wonderful unreality that her DIl would b the perfect DIL, do everything for her, obey her every wish etc. MIL has now realised that DIL is taking her son away from her, not obeying her every command, having a life of her own etc.

I have said b4, i will say it again, when a couple gets married, they should not live with MIL as this will sour relations.

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Thats a generalised comment that ppl only look at money when getting their sons and daughters married.......any decent mother/father will not look at money but the ppl.....................

My in laws, haven't changed one bit since 2006, we had a long engagment, all went to pakistan together for the wedding shopping, and after marriage nothing much has changed. Its a shame that stories like the above ruin in for the genuine mother in laws out there!

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Re: wedding preps and the life after

that bahu shoulda realized how involved her mil was before the wedding at put an end to it then, instead of being dazzled by all the royal, spoiled treatment. her mil now thinks she has the right to interfere with the marriage, and she sort of does becuz she "bought" the relationship. the son is confused and doesn't know any better. mils don't change. son and daughter need to move and have their own lives for a while. or get some marriage counseling and figure how to straighten it out now for their future.

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Re: wedding preps and the life after

Rupayhalwa: You are right. Noone should live with their inlaws. I get on so much better with my inlaws now even though we just live 5 mins away. I could never live with inlaws..I need my own space! I feel very sorry for the girls that are forced to live with inlaws and dont have a choice. Mashallah, my hubby understands that problems are created when everyone lives together and I am glad he takes my needs into account aswell:)

Khawateen: I would get really really annoyed if my MIL asked me where I was going with my hubby, why I dont wear her jewellery that she gave me and clothes. Its none of her business. Not so long ago, my mil brought some clothes back for me from Pakistan. I know it was a nice gesture but she never asked me what kind of design or colours I wanted. I am usually quite fussy when it comes to clothes. Now my mil told me to wear a certain type of clothes she gave me on one such function. Now, I didnt wear what she wanted me to and wore what I liked and she did get abit annoyed. But ever since then she hasnt told me to wear her clothes and she wont be getting me anymore clothes. I am quite glad because she doesnt know what kind of clothes I like. Anyway, she has got the message now and everyone is happy:)

Five women killed for singing in family function .
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In my case MIL was not very much involved in the wedding preps and was being somewhat awkward in her behaviour. I got very upset in those days and didnt feel a warm welcome, but I have later on realized that it doesnt nessecarily meant that MIL didnt like me. She didnt know me at all cuz I was chosen by her son and she was perhaps insecure of what kind of a person I would be.

I have been working on my relationship with her. At my first eid, I was expecting lots of gifts being the only DIL, but there was nothing. Then at our second eid, MIL gave eidi to her kids and grandkids, but not to me. I really really got upset. I had prepared a lovely brunch but didnt get any positive remarks. And the clothes I was wearing, I was told by MIL to change cuz she didnt like the colors!!!

For some time I was just going crazy cuz it was depressing. But then I just started to take iniatives, like we sent flowers at her birthday and she was really happy. I gave them loads of gifts when we returned from Hajj and other trips. I gave them eid gifts. and since MIL didnt get gifts from her son before he got married, I guess she has started to value me more.

Now I dont expect any gifts from MIL or other in-laws. As long as they speak to me respectfully and are nice to me, thats enough for me.

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If this mother really loves her son, she wouldnt interfere in his life and let him enjoy his honeymoon days with his wife. seems like she wants to control both her son and DIL.

As for the gifts and so on, it might be the case that she wanted to show off to her own friends and social circle that she has loads of money to spendt at the wedding. Its not unusual that ppl behave that way at weddings!!!

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its hard not to take the in laws akward behaviour seriously. but if you can manage not to tkake it to heart then life gets easier .

~*~ Time Pass June 2012 ~*~