Re: wedding preps and the life after
Well, I know plenty of cases where the wedding was extremely lavish (and fun), and the DILs and the MILs get along fine. I dont think the wedding expenses have to anything with whether they get along in the future or not.
Re: wedding preps and the life after
no i didnt mean that either spock.
its just.. how can you term a girl lucky if her in laws are spending so much for her burry or how much in laws spend at the wedding?
isnt she REALLY lucky if she gets treated well AFTER the wedding as well?
why do ppl assume just cuz she got so many joray from her in laws .. or if everything was designer.. that she is so lucky?
no i didnt mean that either spock.
its just.. how can you term a girl lucky if her in laws are spending so much for her burry or how much in laws spend at the wedding?
isnt she REALLY lucky if she gets treated well AFTER the wedding as well?
why do ppl assume just cuz she got so many joray from her in laws .. or if everything was designer.. that she is so lucky?
cuz most ppl are materialistic that the more one is given, the more ppl like u. in fact, what is spended on u cant be a guarantee cuz one cant know the intentions of the person spending on u!!
kinda same here, except i just got married… MIL didn’t take ay interest though i kept repeating n repeating that i DONT wear clothes which i don’t like… n i really have that problem even with my mother, if she brings somethin g i don’t like its just i CANT wear it 
i know its bad… khair MIL made whatever she wanted for my bury, n i too got upset at eid’s n birthdays ( during my engagement) as she didn’t care much abt it
i felt the same… no warm welcome, but now i wear the bury dresses if MIL says so 
i don’t know y… its just my mom said a looooooot to me like saas jo kahay maan lena, esp. abt dresses, saas kahay tu pehan lena bury k kapray kuch nahi hota yeh woh etc etc , n now i do the same…
by the way she’z a nice lady, a bit interfering kind of , like kahan ja rahay ho, kahan gaey thay etc but overall i am damn happy with my sweeeeeet husband… so happy that it doesn’t really matter what dress i’ve to wear of my bury… i tell myself tu kia hoa agar kapray achay nahi, mein tu achi lag rahi houn na 
hehe
P.S : my saas NEVER admired me, not even on mangani, shadi EVER! but she does ONLY when i wear the bury clothes hehe this is so funny
@ chameli
waysay i like that gifts giving idea, i'm trying to do so, however it still hasn't been much appreciated yet :)
but HOPE !!
Chemali and Hunni Bunni,
Why are you girls buying them gifts when they dont get you anything? Why are you buying respect, love and affection? Allah has given all us humans brains and a heart.
I am in a similar situation too.
Inlaws spent a lot of money on the walima. Alot of showing off etc...but the real deal is after marriage or one month after marriage. THATS WHEN REALITY KICKS IN!
"Hum to sumjay, shaadi ki baad, tum khushiyan lao gi, cheesay lao gi" - comments like that are made. Little comments are still being made 3yrs after marriage. Certain clothes should be worn. All they care about is showing how much they have to other ppl - its all talk 2b honest!
I used to buy them gifts and presents just so they can like but i have learnt with time, whats the point! If i still dont get respect, why should i treat them like that? Did you do that for your own family? Why ur mum/dad got upset, did you buy them something so they would be ur friend again? I didnt!
I dont bother with the presents. One thing my mum has taught me, just dont be rude to them and dont answer them back in a nasty manner. Gifts and presents will never be appreciated. These ppl are like that - presents or no presents!
Sorry about my pessimistic reply but i cant help with the way i am feeling!
Chemali and Hunni Bunni,
Why are you girls buying them gifts when they dont get you anything? Why are you buying respect, love and affection? Allah has given all us humans brains and a heart.
I am in a similar situation too.
Inlaws spent a lot of money on the walima. Alot of showing off etc...but the real deal is after marriage or one month after marriage. THATS WHEN REALITY KICKS IN!
"Hum to sumjay, shaadi ki baad, tum khushiyan lao gi, cheesay lao gi" - comments like that are made. Little comments are still being made 3yrs after marriage. Certain clothes should be worn. All they care about is showing how much they have to other ppl - its all talk 2b honest!
I used to buy them gifts and presents just so they can like but i have learnt with time, whats the point! If i still dont get respect, why should i treat them like that? Did you do that for your own family? Why ur mum/dad got upset, did you buy them something so they would be ur friend again? I didnt!
I dont bother with the presents. One thing my mum has taught me, just dont be rude to them and dont answer them back in a nasty manner. Gifts and presents will never be appreciated. These ppl are like that - presents or no presents!
Sorry about my pessimistic reply but i cant help with the way i am feeling!
i so understand ur feeling. even i m frustrated .... my husband is not earning alot of money, i mean we are just middle class... alhamdulillah i m earnin more than him and life is goin v well.. in fact i think i live a gud life, i buy anything (reasonable) that i want. his dad is appreciative and vocal too abt things... not just gifts but mom... gosh i cry and cry and tell hubby y cant she say thanks, why cant she say baahat achi hia i like it blah blah... and hes like its her nature. now i will tell u another side to this story.... whenever she gives me clothes i have to literally force myself to even say achay thay kapray, u know why... cus her dressing sense is just HORRENDOUS! she loves bright red, yellows, oranges etc and i HATE them.. any bright color and she likes it... so i dunno how to compliment when i hate her clothes but i just say they were nice but she.... she thinks its no big deal if we get her stuff. i know u mite say i deserve it cus i myself am not v expressive but yar, her stuff is unacceptable to me. its not just the colors... she dusnt buy gud quality clothes, the cheap 400-500 RS clothes. once i asked her to send me gul ahmed clothes... as an indication that i dun like her clothes and want brand... GOSH.. u wudnt believe how bad that outfit was lik peach orange color (thankfully light color) but my cousin looked at it and said this is gul ahmed but yeh toh 2-3 seasons purana dress hai.. which gul ahmed sells for cheap price...!!!! can u believe that! and on top of that, she told me the dress was 1000 sometin in RS and she said i fainted that time... (she meant for the dress ofcourse rite???) and then she covered up key garmi thi bahar and CRAP!!!! she said this infrnt of my hubby... isnt that sooooooooo cheap???? i hate typical paki saas woman... i cant tell u!!
Chemali and Hunni Bunni,
Why are you girls buying them gifts when they dont get you anything? Why are you buying respect, love and affection? Allah has given all us humans brains and a heart.
I am in a similar situation too.
Inlaws spent a lot of money on the walima. Alot of showing off etc...but the real deal is after marriage or one month after marriage. THATS WHEN REALITY KICKS IN!
"Hum to sumjay, shaadi ki baad, tum khushiyan lao gi, cheesay lao gi" - comments like that are made. Little comments are still being made 3yrs after marriage. Certain clothes should be worn. All they care about is showing how much they have to other ppl - its all talk 2b honest!
I used to buy them gifts and presents just so they can like but i have learnt with time, whats the point! If i still dont get respect, why should i treat them like that? Did you do that for your own family? Why ur mum/dad got upset, did you buy them something so they would be ur friend again? I didnt!
I dont bother with the presents. One thing my mum has taught me, just dont be rude to them and dont answer them back in a nasty manner. Gifts and presents will never be appreciated. These ppl are like that - presents or no presents!
Sorry about my pessimistic reply but i cant help with the way i am feeling!
In my case I am doing it with the intention of making my MIL happy not really to buy me respect!MIL has a long strong of unhappiness in her married life and >FIL has influenced the kids so they bothered about their mother until I came into the family and started to give her eid gifts, send her flowers on her birthday etc. Aferall she is my husband's mother and every dua a mother says with a strong yearning will be listened by Allah, so why shouldnt I enable her to do that and make my husband reap from her duas I dont want to be selfish!I know I m not getting any Eid gifts this time either but when my intentions was to do for her and not myself it does change my focus.
also our prophet saw said that give gifts, it open up the hearts. And every thing said by the prophet saw does have a deep meaning. I do see my MILs heart being opened. I do see her being more warmer to me now. Perhaps one day she will buy me gifts for eid too but the main thing is to make her going happy so family dynamics in my in-laws can improve and perhaps when our kids grow up they see a happier family dynamics than the one I came into!!!
@ chameli
waysay i like that gifts giving idea, i'm trying to do so, however it still hasn't been much appreciated yet :)
but HOPE !!
Make your intention to give a gift because our religion emphasizes that gift giving open hearts. This is why I am giving eid gifts to almost all the kids in my in-laws for this Eid.
I came into an in-law family where my hubby's extended family didnt have a good relationship with MIL and thus effecting their relationship to me. Hubby seems to have a good relationship with a few of them and I have been trying to develop a good relationship with them and at the same time not talk about my MIL with them!!
These ppl started backbiting MIL at our wedding night as they were staying at my parents place and they totally freaked my mother out by saying horrible things about MIL which for my part have not been true at all. She hasnt been like that to me. If it had been up to me I wouldnt be having much contact with these ppl but hubby believes in keeping the family ties so we see them once in a while....
Good luck:)
no i didnt mean that either spock.
its just.. how can you term a girl lucky if her in laws are spending so much for her burry or how much in laws spend at the wedding?
isnt she REALLY lucky if she gets treated well AFTER the wedding as well?
why do ppl assume just cuz she got so many joray from her in laws .. or if everything was designer.. that she is so lucky?
Well, it goes without saying that if the girls inlaws are rich, she'll have a luxurious life (naukar chaakar, and other perks that come with being affluent), and most of these people don't have ordinary weddings. This is why people make such statements when they see a lavish wedding, and they do deduce that the girls going into a rich family so thats where the ' good naseeb' comes in.
The fact that whether she gets along with her inlaws is a totally different concept, and theres no gaurantee whether she will, doesnt matter if the inlaws spend scores of money on the wedding, or have a simple event.
Re: wedding preps and the life after
Too much money spoils every thing. Its same like putting too much sugar in your tea. It gets worse when you start showing off and in the end burns your own mouth by showing people how much it tastes good.
In reality its bitter and you are shoving it in for the heck of it.
Too much metaphor 
Namaan, our pathan brothers in NWFP add tea to sugar, and they love it! They are also pretty strong, they can give a big dhullayi someone like me or you too.
Re: wedding preps and the life after
Lalay every one from there is not a truck driver :D
I have seen that happen so many times but the sad thing is its us girls who make such a big deal out of a big wedding and all these gifts we expect our in-laws to give us. I think its sad that we equate expensive gifts with love.
At my nikah, friends and family constantly kept reminding me that my in-laws didn't shower me with gifts, like joorha wahan ka hai bla bla and then starting asking me if they even liked me at all or that they don't care about me thats how they are showing it. They still constantly keep asking me what they are sending, what i am gonna get on eid and I am sure if my in-laws didn't send anything on eid they would make a big deal out of it.
Anyways, I think gifts are nice, big weddings are nice but there are more important things than that. My in-laws are the nicest people I have ever met and they treat me good. To me thats more important than them showering me with gifts and compliments.
Chameli and Hunni bunni you guys should still buy them gifts but don't expect them to return it, do it out of the goodness of your heart.
Re: wedding preps and the life after
thats very true phat...
my in laws didnt do much at my wedding.... for them, marriage is bout nikah and bringing girl home.. no rasmay nothing.. it wasnt the nicest of feelings cuz weddings are the one time u can fulfil ure armaan and jazbaath.... and i was seriously worried as to what kinda ppl they will be.. im tlakin bout forgetting to even give me salami at my own wedding and engagement :)
but ive been married a yr and half and they are the nicest ppl ever... mashallah and im very happy living with them.
but its true that ppl equate how much a girl gets at her wedding to how much her in laws care for her.. which is not at all true.
im lucky to have them for in laws.. they may not know have much desires in life or the wish to do this and that.. but im lucky to be with them cuz they treat me like a human being with respect and kindness .. mashallah.
thats very true phat...
im lucky to have them for in laws.. they may not know have much desires in life or the wish to do this and that.. but im lucky to be with them cuz they treat me like a human being with respect and kindness .. mashallah.
And thats what should count at the end of the day:) Cuz honestly what are we going to do with 90 tolas of gold rotting or 101 joras in our suitcases if you are not treated as a human anyway .. na
Re: wedding preps and the life after
There are people, who don't have 'a lot' but they still end up going out of there way to give as much as they can to their new daughter in laws too. That to me shows that their love for their new DIL is unparalleled.
As for lavish weddings, well most of the time, you only get married once. It can either be one which everyone remembers, or a simple one, either way it doesnt matter, to each their own thing. Again, there are people who arent filthy rich, but still go for an amazing wedding, just because its a once in a lifetime thing.
Re: wedding preps and the life after
^ I dont think thats necessarily true. Most of the time its the couple that ends up paying up the debt for the lavish wedding. I wouldnt feel comfortable if my parents or his spend their life savings on our wedding. I want a big nice huge happy marriage, wedding is a secondary thing.
khawa i know what you mean and like i said my friends and family try to put that doubt and fear in my mind too but my husband had explained to me how his family is and stuff so I knew its not like their intentions are bad or they hate me its because its not tradition in their family. Alhumdulilah we have what matters most.
Re: wedding preps and the life after
OK, this is off topic, but once we were invited to a wedding, a door ka rishtaydaar, the invitation said "Envelope sized gifts only please" which essentially means cash. I was SO taken aback, I thought it was very inappropriate and cheap to spell out that they only want cash for a gift, nothing else. I ended up not going BECAUSE of that line in the invitation. I was tempted to go and put some McDonald's coupons or something in there and write "you are so cheap you probably could use a two big macs for the price of one coupon"
Gah, desis and their chichorapan, I will never get it.
OK, this is off topic, but once we were invited to a wedding, a door ka rishtaydaar, the invitation said "Envelope sized gifts only please" which essentially means cash. I was SO taken aback, I thought it was very inappropriate and cheap to spell out that they only want cash for a gift, nothing else. I ended up not going BECAUSE of that line in the invitation. I was tempted to go and put some McDonald's coupons or something in there and write "you are so cheap you probably could use a two big macs for the price of one coupon"
Gah, desis and their chichorapan, I will never get it.
There was a detailed thread on that topic, you should check it out, it was pretty informative.