My suggestion is that you should thank Allah that your husband is supportive and continue to be nice to your in-laws. Don't disrespect your in-laws or gossip about them, avoid even complaining about them....because you don't want your husband to resent you. Also, it's not right that you are expected to do all the housework while being pregnant and without any help, but there's nothing wrong with doing chores around the home......it keeps one moving and that is better than sitting on the couch and watching TV or surfing FB all day long. Keep up with your prayers and recite 3 Quls n Aytul Kursi regularly for protection against all harm including jealousy of in-laws.
^ PG sorry to say but you need a realty check. I force my hubby to wake up early on the weekends and he makes sures i don't go to sleep early either. We both make sure both of us are up when the LO one is up to look after hime. I am a morning person and he isn't, but i can't start my weekend cleaning while he sleeps and the toddler can get into stuff...SO i wake him up. You make changes as life is changing. It's called growing up. Once in a while sleepying in isn't bad, but on a daily routine...come on. Like you said arguing over such a ridiculous topic is waste of time...but once you have responsiblities to make the change. So a DIL should make sure she isn't sleeping while everybody around her finishes the house work.
^You make changes as life is changing. It's called growing up.
Exactly. I think the issue with many people, both men and women, these days is that although they want to be "adult" and "independent," they don't to want to grow up and have adult responsibilities. It's rather like they want to be married, but single at the same time. Personally, I've never understood this idea of wanting to be married, yet wanting everything to remain the same as when you were single with no real responsibilities.
There is also quite a misconception about the word "independent," which everyone is so keen to throw around. Being independent refers to the ability to stand on your own two feet without being dependent on anyone. It does not mean doing whatever you want, whenever you want without regard for the situation. Taking others into consideration, compromising and behaving as a situation calls for does not take away from one's independence. I'm not sure why people view compromise and working together as an affront to their independence.
i just made it clear that the story does not belongs to me. And i m adjusting whatever the sitUation is. Im living separate now i dont have any prob , i had explained it that i still respect them . And i didnt say anything wrong and i didnt change any statement , i have already said im so so with my MIL. But few friends of mine and cousins are experiencing problems. In my post i tried to ask why people fight? Jb shadi ki hy tu apni beti jese treat kren jese wo bAhu ko maA samajne ka kehti hain. Phir tali dono hathon se bajti hy ek insan compromise nhi kar skta itna. Main sirf marrieD logoN k experience suna chahti thi. Yahan log mujse ulta questioNs kr rhe hain or meri personal lifE se relate kar rhe hain. I merely ask questions and i want answers there is not something happening to me.
Let's give her the benefit of the doubt that she asked about her cousin and in the process shared her own experience as well. She's disillusioned. Even if a MIL cannot see her DIL as her own daughter, she should treat her with respect and the same goes for the DIL's treatment of the MIL. It's natural to become disillusioned about relationships when you've had several negative experiences be it with in-laws, friends, bosses, etc etc. There is nothing in the OP's posts that indicates that she disrespects her in-laws or that her mother did not adequately prepare her for marriage. Let's refrain from making assumptions about the OP's parents. I know that if anyone....be it a close friend of mine, a relative, my in-laws, my spouse made comments about my parents in terms of my upbringing or even preparedness for marriage, I'd be offended. The OP is already married and the extent of preparation her mom gave her is over and done with. What OP and parents needs to focus on now is the present.....not the past. We also don't want OP to develop feelings of resentment toward her mom in thinking that she was ill-prepared. Parents aren't perfect, but they generally try to do that which they believe is best for their kids.
One's level of iman and parental contributions are personal and sensitive topics that we cannot easily determine, so it's best that both regular members and mods avoid dragging family into discussions.
Let's give her the benefit of the doubt that she asked about her cousin and in the process shared her own experience as well. She's disillusioned. Even if a MIL cannot see her DIL as her own daughter, she should treat her with respect and the same goes for the DIL's treatment of the MIL. It's natural to become disillusioned about relationships when you've had several negative experiences be it with in-laws, friends, bosses, etc etc. There is nothing in the OP's posts that indicates that she disrespects her in-laws or that her mother did not adequately prepare her for marriage. Let's refrain from making assumptions about the OP's parents. I know that if anyone....be it a close friend of mine, a relative, my in-laws, my spouse made comments about my parents in terms of my upbringing or even preparedness for marriage, I'd be offended. One's level of iman and parental contributions are personal things that we cannot easily determine, so it's best that both regular members and mods avoid dragging family into it.
Again, you need to read everything before you start commenting. OP is talking about her OWN MIL and her OWN family situation and stated that her housework was too much and that she didn't do that much work while at her mother's house. SO from that i concluded that she was not prepared for her married life. Isn't that a parent’s responsibility to prepare their daughter for married life, house work? I also didn't disrecptect her mother, just said she didn't prepare her.
It hard not to drag family into threads when the thread itself is about family.
i won't sAY MIL is an evil person. But i do believe if both MIL and DIL are compromising and helping each other then there will be no complain, kisi ko shoq nhi k wo bilawaja kisi k pyar ko thukrae . BaAt ousi waqt bigerti hy jb kahen nainsaafi ki jae ya najaiz boj dal dia jae . Its not DIL'S duty to wash my brother in law's undergarments , or FIL's .. DIL wants some help . Its not her responsibility to wash her SIL's clothes when she can do it herself. There is no such rules for DIL or MiL to wash her DiL's clothes when she is able to do it . But yes, if both are co.operating anythng could be done . Kahen jhukna parta hy or kaheEn sehna parta hy mager over koi b insan nhi seh skta. Thats it. ek do insano ki khatir puray gher ko tang krna galat hy . Or joint family main aap bore nhi hoty chahe kitne b maslay hojaen .
Plus apna experience maine apne parents ki terbiyat ki waja se share kia . Ager main bADTAmeEz hoti tu main ounki abusing k baad b ounko treat na karti . Even dr has adviced to me take bed rest but muje kam karna para.
Aj mere husband ko mere chup rehne ki waja se koi baat sunni nhi parti or wo khud mere bina complain kiay handle kar lete hain. Ye mere parents ne hi sikhaya hy k koi kuch b kahe tmhara kam respect krna hy tm apna kam kro apna farz pura kro agay se jo b response ae wo ounki galati hy . So , today im happy ..
I only want to know the reasons of DIL and MILs .
issues, i thought any saas will also response in the thread it will help us to make our relations strong . Thats all i wanted to know ..
There should be no any doubt either its me or my friend or anyone else . Main point is how to deal a difficult MIL for sukoon of mind . So that i can console my cousins and a friend who is pregnant and she is spending a tough time bcz of these issues .
^ you answered your own question in your comment above. MIL and DIL don't comprise and one or both don't want to work together to keep the situation peacful.
Again, you need to read everything before you start commenting. OP is talking about her OWN MIL and her OWN family situation and stated that her housework was too much and that she didn't do that much work while at her mother's house. SO from that i concluded that she was not prepared for her married life. Isn't that a parent’s responsibility to prepare their daughter for married life, house work? I also didn't disrecptect her mother, just said she didn't prepare her.
It hard not to drag family into threads when the thread itself is about family.
i am not a machine , i have bhabi's , and my mother is a MiL as well , but everyone has different natUre , my mother helps my bhabi's in house chores , but my MIL does not do anything. She has only one job "playing games on fb"
she wants everything in her lap . I am not her servant . She should treat me like a daughter like i respect her and do everything for her.
I cant alone do everything .
i am not a machine , i have bhabi's , and my mother is a MiL as well , but everyone has different natUre , my mother helps my bhabi's in house chores , but my MIL does not do anything. She has only one job "playing games on fb"
she wants everything in her lap . I am not her servant . She should treat me like a daughter like i respect her and do everything for her.
I cant alone do everything .
plus . I must add ager meri mother ne muje tayar nhi kia shadi k liay tU itne saal maine kese guzar diay oun k sath? Ager main galat hoti tu mere husband ko kya shoq tha muje alag rakhne ka pregnancy main b. Meri pehli pregnancy b isi terha khatam hui thi. Kaam kr rhi hun, respect kr rhi hun. Jo mera farz nhi wo sub b kr dEti hun oun ki khatir or kya sikha dain mere parents muje ..
Again, you need to read everything before you start commenting. OP is talking about her OWN MIL and her OWN family situation and stated that her housework was too much and that she didn't do that much work while at her mother's house. SO from that i concluded that she was not prepared for her married life. Isn't that a parent’s responsibility to prepare their daughter for married life, house work? I also didn't disrecptect her mother, just said she didn't prepare her.
It hard not to drag family into threads when the thread itself is about family.
Even if her own mother HAD prepared her in terms of housework, the OP could have encountered many other situations with her in-laws that her mom had not prepared her for. Adeptness at housework is not the only skill; there are many others. Even if you didn't intend it as disrespect, generally parents are a sensitive topic and its best to avoid it. The OP did indeed share her experience with her own family....but she wasn't seeking a judgment on the extent of her parents efforts. How does it help her to tell her that mom didn't prepare her? It's a thing of the past, it's over and done with. There's no good that will come from OP sadly thinking that meri maa ne mujhay kuch sikhaya nahi. It's a thing of the past. What matters now is for OP and her mom to focus on the present situation. And Rabia, I did read through her posts. If you have read through them yourself, then you know that she is now living separately, and so again, what's the point of the comment? Rather than rushing to assume that I didn't read the posts, reflect on tone of the responses. You can say that every family has their own way of doing housework and in some families it's more than others. Our parents cannot thoroughly prepare us for every single challenge we face with in-laws.
Exactly. I think the issue with many people, both men and women, these days is that although they want to be "adult" and "independent," they don't to want to grow up and have adult responsibilities. It's rather like they want to be married, but single at the same time. Personally, I've never understood this idea of wanting to be married, yet wanting everything to remain the same as when you were single with no real responsibilities.
There is also quite a misconception about the word "independent," which everyone is so keen to throw around. Being independent refers to the ability to stand on your own two feet without being dependent on anyone. It does not mean doing whatever you want, whenever you want without regard for the situation. Taking others into consideration, compromising and behaving as a situation calls for does not take away from one's independence. I'm not sure why people view compromise and working together as an affront to their independence.
Well said! Another post that should be a sticky for LIfe1 forum.
Even if her own mother HAD prepared her in terms of housework, the OP could have encountered many other situations with her in-laws that her mom had not prepared her for. Adeptness at housework is not the only skill; there are many others. Even if you didn't intend it as disrespect, generally parents are a sensitive topic and its best to avoid it. The OP did indeed share her experience with her own family....but she wasn't seeking a judgment on the extent of her parents efforts. How does it help her to tell her that mom didn't prepare her? It's a thing of the past, it's over and done with. There's no good that will come from OP sadly thinking that meri maa ne mujhay kuch sikhaya nahi. It's a thing of the past. What matters now is for OP and her mom to focus on the present situation. And Rabia, I did read through her posts. If you have read through them yourself, then you know that she is now living separately, and so again, what's the point of the comment? Rather than rushing to assume that I didn't read the posts, reflect on tone of the responses. You can say that every family has their own way of doing housework and in some families it's more than others. Our parents cannot thoroughly prepare us for every single challenge we face with in-laws.
You clearly didn't read her comment earlier since you didn't know SHE was talking about herself in THAT comment. NO mother is perfect and is able to teach her kid every skill needed to survive. I will be the first one to admit that i haven't taught my son everything he should know by now. Pointing out a mistake isn't disrespectful, especially since I am not blaming her mom for her MIL's behavior or OP's current issues.
Why don't you just give OP your advice and move on. She can fight her own battles.
plus . I must add ager meri mother ne muje tayar nhi kia shadi k liay tU itne saal maine kese guzar diay oun k sath? Ager main galat hoti tu mere husband ko kya shoq tha muje alag rakhne ka pregnancy main b. Meri pehli pregnancy b isi terha khatam hui thi. Kaam kr rhi hun, respect kr rhi hun. Jo mera farz nhi wo sub b kr dEti hun oun ki khatir or kya sikha dain mere parents muje ..
Saniya, Allah puts on you as much you can handle and seems like you have handled it just fine. Regarding your questions about your MIL well...you said it earlier that not all fingers are the same size...so again you already have your answer.
Why your MIL is acting the way she is...not sure but could me because maybe her MIL acted and treated her like that and she feels its her turn to relex and enjoy.
You clearly didn't read her comment earlier since you didn't know SHE was talking about herself in THAT comment. NO mother is perfect and is able to teach her kid every skill needed to survive. I will be the first one to admit that i haven't taught my son everything he should know by now. Pointing out a mistake isn't disrespectful, especially since I am not blaming her mom for her MIL's behavior or OP's current issues.
Why don't you just give OP your advice and move on. She can fight her own battles.
I did give OP my advice. Rabia, I have no ill will toward you for you tell me to "move on" which might be your slightly nicer way of saying get lost or dafa ho. The OP herself defended her mother's efforts (in Urdu), so even if you didn't intend it to be rude, it can be misinterpreted (emphasis on misinterpreted) as such since parents are generally a sensitive topic. Even if one isn't blaming the mom, it's futile at this point to even pass an opinion as to whether mom's premarital guidance proved sufficient or deficient. It doesn't help; it's like moving backward into the past...and "moving on" is about the present and going forward.