Re: Very complicated & weird proposal experience..need girls advice
You said in your first post, it was hard to find Pakistani female doctors living in the US, well here’s one.
Re: Very complicated & weird proposal experience..need girls advice
Hahah ok ok I’ve learned my lesson guys!! Won’t be giving preference to a doctor anymore..I get it now lol
Re: Very complicated & weird proposal experience..need girls advice
Not taking the bait..feel free to read the entire thread most of your accusations have already been addressed
Re: Very complicated & weird proposal experience..need girls advice
Blah blah blah.
Become a better man then you’ll find a better girl.
Re: Very complicated & weird proposal experience..need girls advice
Hell no. I don’t talk to guys who do things like watching porn with a girl who his parents are unassumingly setting up for him as a future WIFE. People are passing remarks on her but he participated so what does that make him?
That’s why I’m saying. He needs to work on himself first before he goes around trying to start a family. What sorts of morals will he be raising his kids with?
Re: Very complicated & weird proposal experience..need girls advice
Heyy Sady is back on the thread..welcome back! Why do you hate men so much? Instead of offering any constructive feedback, all your posts in this thread have been either try to provoke other male posters or devoted to expose me or destroy my “true” character lol, yes youre right I’m a bad bad man but one post was all that was needed to do that.
Like I said before the point of my thread was not for people to judge who is more badmaash or evil or wrong–me or the girl. I’m the bad guy so let’s just finally get that out of the way and no need to debate that any longer on this thread. Hope all the girls on this thread are now satisfied haha.
Listen, I mentioned the porn/pics only to provide context that she was doing this with me to show that I intrepreted that as a sign that the girl was being very serious about marriage with me (because most Pakistani girls wouldnt do such intimate things if they werent very serious right?) but clearly she left over relatively minor issues without any regard to doing what I perceived to be such serious intimate things. I viewed her ending it over minor things despite everything we did to her immaturity, wrong priorities and carefree/free spirited nature. Besides that, not once have I said anything bad about her character despite feeling wronged, instead I tried to see her perspective based on her personality and rationalized her behavior instead of calling her names. So I don’t need or want others to do that, it’s not needed. Others judging her character doesn’t help me in any way.
Instead of judging, what would really help me is analysis–getting a girls perspective and what the girls on here think may have been going on in her mind and how she may have been viewing everything from a girls perspective. How do girls on here view marriage and committed relationships? Are girls okay with compromising and sacrificing for a man they love? Forget the intimate things for a second, I wanted to see how do girls on here view my situation in regard to the relatively minor compromises I asked? If you girls were really serious about marrying a guy and he asked you very nicely and maturely if you can stop acting single, would girls find that controlling and end the relationship? Maybe she wasn’t as into me? Maybe she thought it wasn’t worth the compromise? Maybe she got drained by all the arguments? Maybe she wasn’t ready for marriage or a serious relationship but liked me and just wanted to have fun? Maybe she thought she could get any other guy so why compromise? Maybe all of the above? These aren’t judgments or attacks on someone’s character–these are analyses and interpretations of the situation and another person’s perspective. Clearly no one knows what was going on in her mind except her, but I was still interested in getting a girls perspective. That’s more helpful than debating who is morally wrong because there is nothing to debate there. Instead several pages on this thread were devoted to judging my or her character.
Re: Very complicated & weird proposal experience..need girls advice
why don’t we just take OP’s word for it that the facts are true. cuz after all, this is an anonymous forum, and there would no need to make up stories within an actual stroy. so, if people were to start twisting thier stories around, they would obviously not get accurate advice, because the information given was incorrect to begin with- defeating the purpose of getting unbiased input from strangers
Re: Very complicated & weird proposal experience..need girls advice
I dont hate men and if you have noticed me judging you (I never judged the girl), it was only when I read some people judging the girl and her moral values. That is when I got angry because people completely ignored that you were a partner in crime so why judge only the girl. Then landed a new alien with ‘strange’ views only for the purpose of bashing the girl. Even though I have been thinking about you asking her to share pics/watch porn from the first time I read your dilemma but if I wanted to judge you or the girl based on that, I would have said that the first time I responded. I said it now because I remember how you were thanking and admiring the alien’s ‘strange’ views. All he did was bash the girl for being immoral and what not instead of concentrating on advice.
As I said before, you must have done something really terrible to hurt her ego or maybe she discovered in you a pet peeve she had. Maybe in the beginning you assured her of something and later changed your words making her realise that you said things only to have her involved with you hoping to change her slowly and she was not ready/willing to change so she distanced. Everyone has one or two things which they cannot accept to see in a marriage prospect. So, maybe she found one of her’s in you but did not spell it out before leaving. Eg; I have two pet peeves, bad BO and miserliness. As soon as I find either of these in a prospect, I run no matter how great they are in other aspects without being bothered to tell them. Maybe she found you to be controlling and wanting to change her and it was her pet peeve. I say this based on the personality you described of her.
@akaprincess, if you noticed my older posts, I did take OP’s word and gave advice. But some here try to twist some facts. Things dont make sense sometimes.
Re: Very complicated & weird proposal experience..need girls advice
Girls, this was your chance to teach a man and provide advice and female insights in how to understand a Pakistani woman and her needs and make her happy. Some of you clearly have complaints about desi men so this was a golden opportunity to teach a man who is receptive to learn from you. Even if they don’t openly admit it, I bet a lot of the male posters and readers would be interested in getting a girls perspective about marriage and relationships.
Instead of devoting time and energy to attacking my character when I had already admitted to my mistakes several times in my original post alone, it would have been really helpful if you girls provided insights on what girls like in a man, what they don’t like, what the mindsets are of girls these days in regards to finding a husband, how they view marriage, do they think they can find another guy easily so no guy is worth sacrficing for, what do they look for in a husband, what makes them run for the hills, what are some red flags you look out for, how do you know he is the one, etc. What have been really helpful if girls said “oh no pak2015, you can’t ask your girlfriend/fiance/wife to limit her Facebook or limit her guy friends it’ll push them away from you” or “you can’t ask for a girl to compromise too much for you, it’ll turn her off” or “dont make comments on how your girlfriend/fiance/wife dresses, she won’t like it”–practical advice like this without passing judgment. Stuff like that woukd have been really helpful–i know every girl is different but would have given me at least some insight into a girls mindset and priorities so that I can avoid mistakes in my next relationship. Instead I got attacked and judged–several pages are devoted to saying OP must have been very controlling, OP must have done her wrong, OP is no saint, OP is just trying to make himself a victim, OP made her sacrifice and compromise everything while he did nothing for her, OP is the run of the mill average desi guy, etc etc.–these comments help no one (except for the posters who enjoy putting others down)–a lot of anger displayed by some of the posters as though I personally did them wrong lol.
Some of the posters did give wonderful mature constructive advice without passing judgement. Taught me not to focus on doctors only and find someone more compatible with my mindset and personality because we were too different. Advice like that was very much appreciated!
Re: Very complicated & weird proposal experience..need girls advice
You did the same thing that the male poster was doing, but for women..and posted his rishta profile link to instigate him more, didn’t see much of a difference between what you two were doing. And you then going on a full on crusade to judge me and bring my character down because others were judging the girl (which I actually didn’t see much of besides a few posts) when I myself wasn’t saying anything explicitly bad about her character doesn’t seem too fair lol
Re: Very complicated & weird proposal experience..need girls advice
How conveniently you have forgotten your dear friend used quite an indecent language not only for me, for your ex but also for another male poster here dragging in his sister and family to prove his invalid point of bad mouthing the girl for having no morality (All those posts were removed because that was some serious abuse).
You on the other hand were all “wah wah” for his posts and thanking him despite reading all that he said about your ex, another female poster and a male poster and his family. I have no patience for such people who unfairly ill mouth others and especially females. I would not have had a problem with him if he had been balanced. he was only judging your ex’s morals and how bad she was just because she is a female but nothing, no word for you in participating with her in the deeds which he said were “morally wrong” hence the girl needed to be ill mouthed. And he said she must thank YOU for not “black mailing” her. Double standards. She should thank you because you are such a great guy for not “black mailing” her. And you agreed. So you really think that you did her a favor for not black mailing her? Really? That was your favor on the girl you wanted to make your wife??? Great favor. I bow down to your greatness. And you had no problem about that guy ABUSING two posters here, calling them filthy names and you thank him for that? You did not say anything bad about her, yeah sure. What more could you do.
And in real life, Im soon going to file a defamatory suit against a guy on behalf of a girl. That guy did something similar to another girl with his BASELESS accusations about her character. That poster was lucky that he was anonymous. I dont spare such people in real life. They should be given the taste of their own medicine otherwise they never learn.
Re: Very complicated & weird proposal experience..need girls advice
Nah I don’t think you’re receptive to being taught anything from the girls here.
I’ve told you now twice already, you have to get your priorities and morals straight.
If a woman is asking you to do sexual acts, especially THAT early on, then she is not serious about the relationship. Could she be tempted in the moment? Sure. But that doesn’t happen so early on. It’s possible she didn’t have her heart in it to begin with.
If she really loved and respected you, she would have held off the sexual business till later and spent more time getting to know you as a person. Seeing if you’re really compatible etc.
Focus on compatibility and learn what you really value in life. Ask - what traits do I want in the future mother of my children and in my best friend? In a long term roommate? Then put looks and money second to that. And then meet the girls you select and make your choice. It should feel right and you should feel a serenity in your choice.
Your story really doesn’t show the above components. That’s why I say, re-examine your priorities. Sex should take a back seat actually when going thru the rishta process. The girl should be easy on YOUR eyes, try to meet her without all the make up in fact. But that’s it. Don’t start talking about sex and people who bring it up, stay away from them.
Re: Very complicated & weird proposal experience..need girls advice
Thanks, see this was legitmately much more helpful than your previous highly judgemental posts that you wrote out of emotion/anger (generically telling me to check myself isn’t helpful considering that’s what I’m doing by posting this story on this thread). This post has actual practical advice and gives me a female’s perspective. I appreciate it! 
Re: Very complicated & weird proposal experience..need girls advice
Lol damn..okay I’ll keep this short. I wasnt taking anyones side, I just thanked someone for sharing his perspective (doesnt mean I agree with everything he was saying) because he was getting destroyed for doing so, regardless of how idiotic it may have been perceived by others he had a right to say it and wasn’t attacking others on this forum in his original post. It became a mess afterwards and I did not condone and neither did I participate in that immature and petty behavior.
And like I said several times now, no need to judge me (whether I’m bad or honorable) or her, that’s not why I joined gupshup to post this story. Like I said we have all come to agreement I’m a terrible guy so why are we still discussing whether I’m honorable, great or not–no need, Sady, Im not good, so let it gooooo
Re: Very complicated & weird proposal experience..need girls advice
Didn’t mean it that way. Just wanted to show you and other desis that there are accomplished Pakistani women ( doctors and other professionals) here in the US too. @PyariCgudia that’s what I meant!
On another note, that girl exhibited a lot of strange behavior traits. I am in no way condoning her attitude. But it seems you fancy yourself quite the catch too and anyone should be willing to drop everything to be with you is wrong too. About the whole doctor thing, well, it’s not just you, lots of desis in the US want to marry doctors ( male and female) for their earning potential and prestige potential. Sad, but true.
Oh, and I get a feeing from your post that you didn’t like her posting too many pics on facebook. If you didn’t like her posting pics with men, that’s different and understandable but I post tons of pics too ( not with random men) and everyone’s personality is different. Some people are extroverts.
Re: Very complicated & weird proposal experience..need girls advice
Like i explained before, I’m a doctor myself so thought doctor/dentist wife would relate more to the demands of my career. Had nothing to do with me getting status.
Nothing wrong with Facebook. All about whether it’s done within normal limits (ie what an average person is doing). Yeah she was very extroverted, almost to an extreme. She posted pics every week or so and had thousands of friends, hundreds of followers, many I bet were not even people she actually knew or barely knew. Some random Pakistani guy even stole her Facebook pictures and created a separate fake facebook account to mess with her. Guys who didnt even go to her school in Pakistan were stalking her on campus and approach her to tell her they like her and would stand and stare at her while she sat out outside. One guy did this for a few months almost daily.
You would think a person would be more careful of his/her pictures after they were misused like that. There are some crazy men out there (throw acid on a girls face if they rudely refuse their advances–these are stories she would tell me) so according to her, she couldn’t be rude to random guys if they ever approached her to protect herself from any revenge..so imagine how i would feel after hearing all these stories from her..hence the facebook and duppatta issues came into play, it had more to do with her not always trying to stand out in public (if she is only girl out of 12 girls not wearing a duppatta at a local town fair yes she will stand out among the group in an evironment where every girl is wearing one..)..i was being careful about a person I cared for, she was just really carefree, nothing was ever a big deal and she would laugh it off..had nothing to do with a need to control although that’s how her sister, mother and posters here are interpreting it
From that one duppatta issue, her sister told her I would make her wear hijab..LOL basically same type of mindset some of the posters here on gupshup have, I say one thing and then they stretch it and extrapolate so far based on their own preconceived notions that their entire interpretation and conclusion become so far from the truth..her mom didn’t know any of above stories and I didn’t tell anyone in her family because she asked me not to because then they would worry about her but when I worried about her, I ended up taking the brunt of the blame from them for being controlling like i did on this thread
Re: Very complicated & weird proposal experience..need girls advice
@pak2015 your personalities were very different, even if we leave out the porn etc. doesn’t seem it would be a good match. At least modern technology made it possible to asses that. There are all kinds of people in this world. I do agree that she seems quite out there. It’s not very weird nowadays to find girls like this even in Pakistan. Welcome to GS, hope you will continue posting here. May Allah help you find a suitable partner, Ameen!
BTW, how did you meet her, or who introduced your patents to her if this was arranged.
Re: Very complicated & weird proposal experience..need girls advice
I think I also said it several times but you dont seem to have noticed or maybe I was not clear. I was not judging you or your ex. It was not my intention at all. What I did not like was that majority posters were judging the GIRL alone for bad morals. Only few mentioned that that was wrong. First of all, they should not have judged the morals as you did not post the problem for that. But if they still needed to, they should have been fair and do that to BOTH of you, not just the girl. Still, I did not care and was just having fun pulling your leg for not being able to get over a girl you never met in real life but was so bad (Yes, you said in your initial post that you were not comfortable with things which he did but still played along). It was only when that strange alien landed to say nothing in advice but talk so bad about that girl who is not even here to read all that is being said about her. A third person telling you that you did a favor on the girl you were about to make your wife by not sharing her picture on the internet and saving her misery of a life time. And you thanking him for his views (Whatever you say now but it did seem like you had no objection about whatever he said). So, I made my first post with that alien’s reference. In response to which he gave back like 2 posts with filthy name calling in addition to slandering that unknown girl. Then another male poster tells him to hold it and he starts honoring his sister, his family for telling him to straighten up. I ignored his first abuse but he goes on to abuse more in the second one without having an iota of any remorse.
I have met several people in pakistan and know how much sinful such guys themselves are in real life but are the first one to judge others’ especially females morals and even lie to do that if it serves them. Deceitful, immoral, full of lies but they pretend to be so ‘honorable’ members of the society and behave like they’re above everyone free of minor of faults, clean inside out. But they full of dirt. And when it comes to girls, they have a list of strict rules and morals which as per them the girls MUST follow and if they dont, they deserve all those outcomes which he mentioned (Like blackmailing her, spreading her nude pictures, trashing her character only because she is a female so she must suffer). And I recently came to know about a guy working for a law enforcement agency who did the same with a girl who did nothing remotely close to what your ex did. Her only fault is that she is alone in Pakistan. So, I know how those kinds of men actually have no morals themselves.
Anyway, I hope you get over her soon. That’s all I can say. Im out now.
Re: Very complicated & weird proposal experience..need girls advice
Ristha lady gave us her picture and biosketch. Parents talked and asked if her and I could talk so that we can get to know each other better first to see if we would be a good match. My family and I were planning on going to Pakistan to see them but would be 10 months away, never got to 10 months, we ended it in 8 months. We talked every single day for hours in those 8 months, she made me her boyfriend and she was girlfriend and we became committed with intention of getting married. Been 3 months now since we ended it. It was a civilized, friendly break up (I’m not the type to lose temper or get dramatic) and we said we would remain friends, but have been in no contact since then.
Re: Very complicated & weird proposal experience..need girls advice
What I’m failing to understand is why anyone would have religious/modesty expectations from a girl who asked them to watch porn with her, and then moreover who agreed to do that with her in the first place? It seems odd these things would be important to the OP, because what modesty was shown at the onset of the relationship?
OP, I think you already set her expectations at the beginning that you’re highly sexually open, and so she probably figured you fit well with her lifestyle of being out there and open with guys (multiple male facebook friends, lots of pics, etc). So then for you to to ask her to be more modest, dupatta, etc, in her mind is you doing a 180 on her.
This is why I say you gotta figure out what you’re all about, and what you want.
Are you a sexually liberal guy and you are looking for a sexually liberal girl? Because that means she will be sexually liberal so she will post pictures of herself a lot, will have lots of guy friends, will have a flirty nature, and won’t find anything wrong with it. Her thought is, if sexually open guys can do it, why can’t I?
Or are you looking for someone who has a traditional outlook? Dedicates herself to her husband, cuts down on contact with guy friends, and will be receptive to a dupatta or hijab? In which case, if that’s the kind of girl you want, then it’s only logical that you too be modest. Watching porn with a stranger is not modest. So mistakes happen, ok, fine, but is that your pattern? You only know the answer to these things, not us, and you don’t have to answer this, but ask the question to yourself.
How open are you sexually, and if it’s your right as a man, then as a woman, what is her right? Why be surprised when she exhibits open sexual behavior? If this is unsettling to you, then should you expect more modesty out of yourself in the future?
I once went to this talk where the Imam said some guy came up to him and said “Imam, I really hope to meet a girl who is like Aisha (R)”. So he said to the guy “Well then you better be like Muhammad (SAW)”.