Just wanted some feedback (especially from girls point of view) about a complicated experience with a proposal and whether this is now the norm among Pakistani girls. Guys feel free to tell me if this girl was not marriage material and that I dodged a bullet or whether I was an idiot for losing her over stupid issues.
Little about me: I considered myself to be a decent proposal–I’m a romantic guy, have a good balance of knowing when to be serious and when to be playful, I’m a good looking guy, US citizen, went to top presitigious schools in US, Ivy-League trained doctor. I was looking for a Pakistani doctor but unfortunately its very difficult to find Pakistani girls in US med schools so I was okay with looking in Pakistan for proposals because there are more females becoming doctors there.
I got a proposal from Pakistan–very nice looking doctor. I started talking to her, we had amazing chemistry and became good friends. However there were some red flags very early on and differences in personalities and our mindsets that I ignored likely because I had just gone through such a bad phase in life because of a sick parent and because “love is irrational.” We were getting to know each other before our families would meet in person in 9 months for a potential engagement if everything went smoothly in person.
This girl is a doctor who was planning on coming to US for training before I even talked to her, is a kind hearted girl, but a bit carefree and immature–told me her main priorities in life are having fun and enjoying life and not taking things too seriously. She would never initiate any fights and would NEVER get jealous of anything. Which I guess is nice but I’ve never met a girl like that who doesn’t get jealous. For me, a bit of jealousy within limit shows that the girl at least cares about me, values me and doesn’t want to lose me. Maybe she wasn’t as into me as I was her. Anyways, can you guys comment on the situations below:
Issue #1](http://www.paklinks.com/gs/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) : Within 3 weeks of talking, we were up all night chatting and it became flirty when she straight up asked me if I watch dirty movies. Long story short, we ended up watching a dirty scene over the internet at her request. Next day I didn’t feel right at all, felt very wrong for doing that with her but she didn’t show any guilt, she loved it and wanted more! I thought that was odd because it only had been 3 weeks and she was doing this with a guy she never met but I ignored it and believed her that this is the first time she has done anything like this. Im not blaming her because Im not innocent in this situation either and we all make mistakes and some can get caught up in the moment but I found it odd that I was the one feeling guilty while she was very carefree about it. What do the Pakistani girls think about this situation? Red flag? Weird? Because it always bothered me that our relationship started like this.
Issue #2](http://www.paklinks.com/gs/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) : We became very close friends over the months and became committed to each other and got parents more involved at my insistence. We would talk for hours, chatting, on phone, Skype, etc. It never got old and had a lot of fun together. We basically were in a committed relationship and were excited about the possibility of marriage together. Anyways, couple of months after that we became more loving and she started sending me private & very intimate pictures of herself–saying she felt we were like husband and wife already. Would girls do this without ever meeting the guy in person, all within a span of 3-4 months of talking him?
Issue #3](http://www.paklinks.com/gs/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=3) : She was very popular and active at her med school in Pakistan–it seemed like she is most popular girl in school. And she is really good looking so Im sure she got a lot of attention. She used to socialize and hang out with many guys–from classmates to her juniors and seniors. There were many old pictures and videos of her on her Facebook and other Facebook groups, many times with her being the only girl posing with a group of guys. Just felt like it was a bit too much and now that her and I were in a committed relationship I wanted to discuss this with her going forward. I wasn’t being insecure because those guys weren’t better than me at all lol and I didn’t feel threatened at all but they were really sketchy guys and I was valuing her a lot and in my mind anything that is valuable is rare and not openly available or easily accessible to just anyone. I wanted her to myself, I wanted that privelage to be mine alone. I myself am a private guy, don’t have Facebook. So I just told her very nicely I wouldn’t like it if my future wife is too social or too open or too friendly with other guys or took pictures with them or was always uploading pictures of herself for everyone to see and asked if she would be able to respect that? She ultimately said she wouldnt anymore but it was clear from our convo that she viewed it as controlling that I was asking even though I thought I handled it in a very mature manner so I was never fully comforted by her response. I knew it was a sensitive topic and I had to tread carefully but I wanted to discuss everything openly to make sure her and I are on same wavelength before making a lifelong decision. We had several arguments over this. Was I wrong to ask this?
Issue #4](http://www.paklinks.com/gs/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=4) : She sometimes wouldn’t wear any duppatta in public even during mixed gender school party functions which I guess is a fashion trend in some more modern areas of Pakistan. I’m not even talking about covering her hair, she sometimes wouldn’t wear any duppatta period in public while wearing shalwar kameez. Although I know Im not her father, her and I were commited and I asked if she could dress appriopately based on the environment she was in (ie while she’s in Pakistan just grab a duppatta before going out in public because thats what most girls are doing but when she’s in US wouldn’t have to wear duppatta–basically I wanted her to wear what majority of other women around her were wearing and not always try to stand out). But I never became controlling in the sense that I wouldnt check up on her or question her asking if she actually did wear one–nothing of that sort ever happened and neither did it cross my mind. Maybe I was wrong to even bring up the topic but is it really big enough reason to end an otherwise good relationship?
Basically, we would argue about these points and it became a cycle and very draining. She eventually she talked to her sister who convinced her that I’m the controlling type and would cage her. Her mom told her that she would have to sacrifice everything while I wasn’t sacrificing anything so it’s not worth the sacrifice of going to live in US and that she was a fun loving type a girl and I would prevent her from having fun so it would be in her best interest to end it. Umm what?!
I told her I wouldn’t do anything either that would make her feel uncomfortable and we would do for each other out of love for each other and keep it balanced. All her female friends had boyfriends who treated them like crap but her friends stuck with their boyfriends while I was being very sincere and committed with this girl. I did a lot for her (i.e. would often stay up to help her study medicine). I never once raised my voice at her nor am I the type to lose my temper, instead discussed very calmly all issues but she still broke up with me after all that. It was a calm, civilized break up, and we said we would remain friends, but we have been no contact for last 2.5 months since the break up. Despite my explanations and all the intimate things we did, she ended it so easily. Just left me very confused.
Why don’t people understand that marriage is about both husband and wife having to compromise and sacrifice for each other? Nothing wrong with doing for each other. We are on same team! I noticed that girls now a days, especially those who have been given a lot of freedom from parents, have a more difficult time adjusting to marriage because now they have to take into account another person’s interests, likes and dislikes, something they may not be accustomed to. And I’m sure because she’s so popular and gets so much attention from other guys she just thought she can just find someone else-- truth to be told I was a really good proposal for her as well so a bit confused by the entire 8 month relationship and how easily it ended. We were a really good match in looks, qualifications, amazing chemistry, just clashed on our mindset.
I know everyone is different and can’t generalize but based on my experiences I feel like this is now becoming the norm for Pakistani girls. I had a similar experience like this with another good looking girl but not to this extreme. Maybe it is just the good looking girls and/or professional girls..they don’t tolerate much huh? Might need to avoid the good looking girls going forward. But clearly I’m doing something wrong also and I don’t want to make the same mistakes in future and ruin potentially good proposals so any feedback is appreciated.
If this is how you feel right now…I would hate to even imagine how you would be once she’s actually married to you and you get to actually see what she’s wearing.