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Re: Urgent views/advice needed: Marriage Problem
History
I have a friend who got married 6 months back. Pre-marriage there were problems between her parents in-laws because of a serious misunderstanding that brought the relationship on the verge of being broken. Their engagement lasted 9 months into their marriage as she and her fiancé stood for their relationship despite all odds. They were introduced to each other by their parents, hence they had an arranged marriage.
Present
She lives in the UAE in a joint family set up that includes the husband’s parents and 2 sisters, married but living in the same country. There being a bitter history between the parents, she knew that living together with them was not going to be easy.
Few things that make her upset because of her in-laws
A formal relationship with MIL and the SILs.
feeling of general discomfort at home
- Finds hard living with them-feels like a guest, restricted generally uneasy.
- Unable to forget completely the pain she suffered because of the in-laws
- Feels she has no private life/ her way of doing things
- MIL displays indirectly disapproval and sarcasm
- Hates all the problems her husband is buried in again because of the in-laws.
- Doesn’t feel loved/ acknowledged at home.
Major issues with her husband sadly that are now affecting their relationship.
- Her husband has a weak role to play in the family
- He is in deep financial problems because of handing down each month his salary to his mother for a good 10 years now. He doesn’t know where his parents used it and has never asked them. His father is well-settled, working and has handsome property back home so it isn’t like he gave money to support his family’s basic needs. The result is that he is in debt and only has a minimum sum to live with in a month. My friend obviously unaware about his financial position feels cheated and hurt for her husband. He realises this now though and is looking for a better job.
- He quotes of the “achi bahus” in khaandan/friends who have won the hearts of inlaws and have made their mark & presence felt. She argues that it doesn’t happen one sided and that she has suffered the emotional pain given by her in-laws in the past. He also complains of not being involved in household chores when the need for it doesn’t exist. She is highly organized and keeps her room neat at all times, though can’t cook. MIL and takes care of the cooking a full-time maid of the cleaning etc.
- She works from before marriage much against his wishes and has a successful career though is not career-driven. She primarily didn’t quit working to avoid staying home while her husband was away and also that she has to take care of fulfilling her own needs and save for future.
- They have recurring arguments with each other that revolve around money, her career and time devoted to in-laws. The arguments have now taken on an aspect of violence though not directed at her. In over 6 times, during the heat of arguments he started throwing things around him and resorted to name-calling and accusations. In no time however his temper comes down and he then expects her to resume talking with him and everything else normal within minutes after the argument. These violent outbursts deeply hurt her and she cries inconsolably.
Despite all, she says, her husband is very caring when she is sick and expressive of his lover for her.
My friend is generally loved by everyone else around her and is shocked from all the negativity and problems surrounding her. She is deeply worried and doesn’t seem to know what to do.
Is this normal in just 6 months of marriage? Have any one of you experienced and overcome such situations/problems? What do you think should be done? Would it be wise for my friend to let her parents know about the fights?
Please give your views and advise urgently!!!!.....
Re: Urgent views/advice needed: Marriage Problem
Well, there are 2 huge things that have happened here, a stranger (bride) has moved in with a family who already have their way of doing things. This is going to cause tension between both parties.
Secondly, her husband is doesn't appear to be fulfilling her expectations of him as being the breadwinner, so she has to earn for their future.
Compromise if called for. Let go of whatever happened in the past with in-laws, if you are going to live with them, then make an effort to fit in, because they are already established and it's unlikely that they will change their ways for you.
So new bride keeps her OWN room organised, but MIL does ALL the cooking. This looks like bride is only interested in herself and will take from others, but won't contribute to others herself. I would resent my SIL if she only looked out for her own interests and expected my mum to cook for her without her ever helping out with everyone else. Her MIL is NOT her servant, neither is it the other way around. If bride wants to diffuse tensions, SHE SHOULD MAKE AN EFFORT TO CONTRIBUTE and this means at least try to learn to cook, its not hard, and MIL could teach her.
About the bread winning, it is my personal view DO NOT GIVE UP WORKING because when you do, you won't be able to go back to it. Husband and bride need to agree their future goals, if it means saving up to move out, husband should re-assess his money habits and work out a saving portion, and he should understand that wife needs to work to save for future, bcos he seems useless at this.
As they all live in one household, groom should be donating towards the expenses, he needs to work out what is fair.
Re: Urgent views/advice needed: Marriage Problem
Ruppay Halwa...my friend's MIL precisely supervises over cooking. They have a maid who looks after the entire cooking..like the MIL does the basic initial prep for the dish that needs to be done, the maid carries from thereon and also does cleaning of dishes, setting of the table, chapati, rice etc...
I told my friend the same thing of helping out in the kitchen. She cooks on her own on weekends and has offered to pitch in during the weekdays,which the MIL refused. The MIL insists she does the cooking herself since she decides what needs to be cooked anyways. I remember her telling me once her MIL was sick and she offered to cook. As far as i know she has also asked MIL to teach her cook and she is learning.
I also wonder if cooking is directly related to her being a good or bad bahu....is that all what would make the MIL happy?
You are right about the husband...but the cause of resentment is that the parents have control of his earnings.
Re: Urgent views/advice needed: Marriage Problem
the couple should shift in a seperate house / flat.
there are bound to be tensions when saas-bahu are in the same house.
Re: Urgent views/advice needed: Marriage Problem
The new husband and wife need to DISCUSS and AGREE their short term and future goals in life, and AGREE on where they will be living. Then they should take steps to do it, but it needs husbands co-operation.
No cooking is NOT all it takes to be a good bahu, but ANYONE living in a shared home should be considerate of others.
Re: Urgent views/advice needed: Marriage Problem
Yup, I agree with casio.
If the families are unhappy with each other then the parents should support the move of their son and his wife only then can better relationships be maintained.
Asl ong as she keeps living with them they will make her life hell which in turn will affect the relationship her and her husband have. This could lead to each other having resentment towards each other, which is not the bst of starts for a new marriage. Especially with the aggresion the husband is showing already
If she stands for it now it will only continue to get worse for her.
The husband should stop providing money to his mother and father, he has spent all his life giving it to them and now they have made a regular income for themseves using it they should allow him to save and make his own path in life
As for your friend, she should try winning the situation with patience and love. Even if she doesnt win the family over she has her husband and if he see's shes doing all that she can to keep things harmonious then he will stick up for her sooner or later
Your friend definatly should NOT give up her job. She should save and try get a deposit or something together for a house. This may take a few years but eventually she'll get somewhere for the betterment of her own future
She should talk to her husband, MAKE HIM UNDERSTAND that she is trying her best but shes extremely unhappy at home... This situation may not turn in her favour over night but sooner or later it will and for that she has to stay patient and strong... easier said then done i know
Has the husband agreed for them to move out? or start saving? is he still providing for the family?
i totally disagree with all those that are saying that they should move out, if her in laws are already resentful towards her they will hate her, and she will be the evil bahu who took their son away from them
i know your friend is in a very difficult situation but your friend needs to make an effort with the family...ignore the saas's sarcasm and what went on between the parents...she needs to concentrate on her own future.
she should try and get involved in the household chores as much as possible, even though they have a maid...uss ko chaye ke woh ghar ke eik eik kone me bass jaye and she needs to almost take over the household, and treat it as she treated her parents house...fair enough she's working but that's life, she has chosen to work and now needs to make time for her new family as well....
furthermore you asked "Is this normal in just 6 months of marriage?"...no this isn't normal, they should be enjoying each others company and not be worrying about money and what happened in the past...
Compromise and sabr are the two importnat things, once she is accepted in the family and has made her 'mukam' in the household things will get easier....she needs to be headstrong and keep her mouth zipped, it will take time but she needs to endure it all patiently and concentrate on strengthening the bond between husband and wife.
Re: Urgent views/advice needed: Marriage Problem
I would assume that to be the first try.. I encouraged her to make an effort by being patient and strong and to keep doing right by his family however there are limits to this aswell. Islam mein bhi likha he ke allah saza zulm denay walay ko bhi deta hai aur senay walay ko bhi... If shes being mistreated she should NOT stand up for it. Im not saying she should be disrespectful but if his family are not being genuine towards her she should move out with her husband because she'll never b happy
Some people you can win over, some u cant.
If she tries doing what you said and it doesnt work what is she to do? she's not left with many other options is she? Its not like the parents NEED looking after, if they were really old and in need of lookin gafter then i wouldnt advise her to move, but they seem healthy (assuming as nothing is mentioned regarding this) and so she should, when she can, try and move out. she doesnt have to move far, but own space is necessary and if she wants a harmonious relationship with her husband then this i think is the only solution
Re: Urgent views/advice needed: Marriage Problem
faari....it would be ideal for my friend to move out, but that seems remote. Her husband considers this a move to destroy the family bond and being the only son finds it hard to move out in the same country. He would be willing to move only if he gets a job outside the country so it appears like valid living away from parents.
The tension between the couple, their fights and disagreements have not been made known to the husband's parents....all the shouting/yelling/breaking happens in closed doors....in fact my friend feels that if his parents get to know they fight then this could be further exploited by the parents and taken against her. so she finds it even more difficult to smile in front of them and put a happy face while she is deeply hurt inside.
The husband hasn't started saving....since he is not left with anything to save or provide. he realises his mistakes but doesnt have the face to tell his parents what he is facing. he asks her to be patient and that it would get better SOMEDAY! My friend doesnt really care if he gives her money or not, but is concerned and hurt that he has been taken for granted in his own family but still complains his wife of not being the "bahu" his parents would have wished for....
Re: Urgent views/advice needed: Marriage Problem
I can't offer advice for this sad sad situation but seeing as how they had problems even before marriage, even as an arranged rishta.. other girls can take this as a glimpse into their future and break off their toxic relationships!
Re: Urgent views/advice needed: Marriage Problem
sara.....my friend keeps thinking of whether it has been one wise decision to have stuck to the guy when it all started getting sour before marriage, but back then she found it way difficult to take a "black&white" decision beacuse her heart was involved. The hope to find happiness in their marriage and the fact that nikah solidifies a relationship made her move on among other factors. Breaking off a relationship is hard at any point before/after marriage, and sadly it is even harder to decide about the correctness of a decision pre-marriage.
Her husband loves her and blames his current difficult financial position for all the anger. Being a wife she is deeply disturbed by the fact that can one's own parents ever be the cause of distress? As much as that hurts her, she can do nothing about it and has the added challenge of adjusting herself in a joint family.... i wonder how much time would generally be enough for the dil to settle in a joint family and if the uneasiness/guest-like feeling exists, given everything is normal?
Re: Urgent views/advice needed: Marriage Problem
^ Launch into a housework frenzy, trust me, the guest-like feeling soon vanishes! ;)
Re: Urgent views/advice needed: Marriage Problem
Fingirl advice ur friend to completely stop thinking about moving out and financial issues.Don't discuss these things with her husband.stop all arguements.Her husband can work out the financial issues himself.
Keep sharing the housework even if MIL says no.keep asking for some work.Sometimes ppl say no but they expect the bahu to insist n help around.
when husband n wife r alone don't tlk abt any controversial subject.even if husband starts a topic change it tactfully.
For some situation jee jee works better.
Fingirl advice ur friend to completely stop thinking about moving out and financial issues.Don't discuss these things with her husband.stop all arguements.Her husband can work out the financial issues himself. Keep sharing the housework even if MIL says no.keep asking for some work.Sometimes ppl say no but they expect the bahu to insist n help around. when husband n wife r alone don't tlk abt any controversial subject.even if husband starts a topic change it tactfully. For some situation jee jee works better.
Mabrook...you are right to point out how leaving all the issues on hand might actually lead to an improved relationship between the husband and wife. the thing is there are days when she intentionally avoids bringing them up but it doesnt stay that way for long...
On the contrary, her husband maybe out of embarassment or pride doesn't prefer an open discussion when it comes to deciding on future goals. he understands his weakness and claims to be looking around for better options, but then that's that! in fact not talking about the issues not only frustrates her but makes her stronlgy feel about his difference.
i can't agree with you more on the "jee jee" bit. to my friend, she feels to have compromised ever since their engagement. her husband didnt like her work and complained of his being home before her. her office agreed accomodating to this by letting her work a straight shift without lunch break. perhaps the biggest compromise was sticking to him when it all got bad and would have been a difficult pick for anyone in her situation. the decision was made and she takes complete accountability for it....the test in which she is put after marriage for which she was unware hurts her.
as for insisting on household work, i would appreciate if you throw more light on this. in what ways do u think she could contribute to the household chores other than cleaning or cooking, as mil insists she cooks and the maid does the cleaning....? it would be helpful to get some ideas on this
Re: Urgent views/advice needed: Marriage Problem
thank you all for your views and advice.....please keep those coming
Re: Urgent views/advice needed: Marriage Problem
if your MIL thinks that she can do everything in the kitchen let her. Stand with her, pass her things that shes working with, but stay with her until shes done. talk to her, laugh and make jokes with her. She has run the kitchen for years before you came along.. let it be that way. When you move out you can take charge of your own kitchen, but for now dont bother.
Finances are something that can be controlled, if your husband is open to the idea maybe you can sit and talk about it. See how much money there is and divide it.. see how much your giving to the parents and maybe have your husband talk to his parents about his situation and that he wants to clear up the debt etc and as soon as that is done he can resume giving them the money that they were getting.
With respect to the relationship between your MIL & SIL's dont get into it. If they talk infront of you about something, just stay quiet. You dont need to give your opinion, because these things bite you back so fast you cant even begin to imagine.
Communicate with your husband. Tell him your worried and that you would like to be involved in the decisions that he makes.
Moving out, might not be what is right at the moment. Try and work it out, stay calm and patient also ask Allah for help and to give you sabr in this situation. insha'Allah everythin will work out for the best!!!
Re: Urgent views/advice needed: Marriage Problem
Fingirl , Mabrook said it spot on ... Six months into the marriage , its abit too early to take any major decisions of splitting up with the family or even having problems in her relationship with her husband..
I have seen many cases similar to these , and one thing i have always always noticed is that time changes it all ... the bride needs to take a step back constantly, stay quiet , stay away from the fire zone .. let them deal with their issues first..
this girls husband has started feeling the fire in the belly , give him a few more months and the frustration will build up naturally all the more, when he will feel used by his own family... all your friend has to do is stay positive infront of him, listen to him if he opens up his heart but not say a word against his parents ... its his battle , let him come to terms with it first ... or else they will all blame your friend for starting the fire !
Keep in mind that similar to your friend , this is a new experience for her husband as well and it will take him some time to adjust two households , financially and socially as well .. in most cases things change within two years of marriage ... if his family is being unreasonable financially, he will put his foot down faster .. but if you push him to do it , he might not do it that keenly..
Its all about the equations , when its ones own mind and fight, one takes actions quicker .. but if you come into the equation, it will be more like saas v/s bahu and he will get confused.
Re: Urgent views/advice needed: Marriage Problem
^ very well said!
I have to admit i went thru a lot of the same issues as ur friend did Fingirl. I doubt she'd be able to give her husband an ultimatum like i did; but after that I backed off.. and 2 days before that deadline was up we were out. & now he thanks me for it.. because if he had stayed in the situation.. he would have never been able to get out of the rutt that he was in..
Only if my wife had great mentors like you all, especially mystical, my life would've been heaven!
^ very well said! I have to admit i went thru a lot of the same issues as ur friend did Fingirl. I doubt she'd be able to give her husband an ultimatum like i did; but after that I backed off.. and 2 days before that deadline was up we were out. & now he thanks me for it.. because if he had stayed in the situation.. he would have never been able to get out of the rutt that he was in..