Urgent views/advice needed: Marriage Problem

[Mabrook]

@Fingirl

Mabrook...you are right to point out how leaving all the issues on hand might actually lead to an improved relationship between the husband and wife. the thing is there are days when she intentionally avoids bringing them up but it doesnt stay that way for long...

On the contrary, her husband maybe out of embarassment or pride doesn't prefer an open discussion when it comes to deciding on future goals. he understands his weakness and claims to be looking around for better options, but then that's that! in fact not talking about the issues not only frustrates her but makes her stronlgy feel about his difference.

i can't agree with you more on the "jee jee" bit. to my friend, she feels to have compromised ever since their engagement. her husband didnt like her work and complained of his being home before her. her office agreed accomodating to this by letting her work a straight shift without lunch break. perhaps the biggest compromise was sticking to him when it all got bad and would have been a difficult pick for anyone in her situation. the decision was made and she takes complete accountability for it....the test in which she is put after marriage for which she was unware hurts her.

as for insisting on household work, i would appreciate if you throw more light on this. in what ways do u think she could contribute to the household chores other than cleaning or cooking, as mil insists she cooks and the maid does the cleaning....? it would be helpful to get some ideas on this

thanks for considering my advice.by jee jee i don't mean giv up job n everything just handle things tactfully.sometimes u say jee acha jaisa aap kehain just to calm other person down temporarily.i'll tell u one thing the more ur friend will fight for the situation the more resistance will come from her husband.the more she let go things will get easier.husband will b a fan n appreciate her advice better.instead of thinking n talking abt her n hubbys future talk abt whole family colectively n think abt everyone..
rest sub Allah pe chore day.Sils r already married.MIL n FIL r not gonna live for ever so stay calm n be patient. wat the poet said"paiwasta reh shajer se umeed-e-bahar rekh"time doesn't stay same for ever.wait for the good times.

as for housework tu meri jaan the possibilities r endless leave cooking n cleaning how abt laundary or ironing or grocerry shopping.she can stick with the saas while prep for dinner. she can get them ocassional bedtea.she can offer head massage etc.just think of ways to get connected.working around the house isn't the issue here they want ur friend to mix n mingle n be the traditional achi bahu so play the part..."the worlds a stage n we all r actors" know wat i mean:)

[mysti]

Only if my wife had great mentors like you all, especially mystical, my life would've been heaven!

arey.. kyun sharminda kar rahe hain bhai?

[Fingirl]

@mysticalrain

if your MIL thinks that she can do everything in the kitchen let her. Stand with her, pass her things that shes working with, but stay with her until shes done. talk to her, laugh and make jokes with her. She has run the kitchen for years before you came along.. let it be that way. When you move out you can take charge of your own kitchen, but for now dont bother.

Finances are something that can be controlled, if your husband is open to the idea maybe you can sit and talk about it. See how much money there is and divide it.. see how much your giving to the parents and maybe have your husband talk to his parents about his situation and that he wants to clear up the debt etc and as soon as that is done he can resume giving them the money that they were getting.

With respect to the relationship between your MIL & SIL's dont get into it. If they talk infront of you about something, just stay quiet. You dont need to give your opinion, because these things bite you back so fast you cant even begin to imagine. Communicate with your husband. Tell him your worried and that you would like to be involved in the decisions that he makes. Moving out, might not be what is right at the moment. Try and work it out, stay calm and patient also ask Allah for help and to give you sabr in this situation. insha'Allah everythin will work out for the best!!!

thank you mystical for the great advice...i think youre' right...if my friend can stick along in the kitchen while her mil cooks that should sort of make the mil feel that she isnt completely indifferent to what happens in the kitchen.

my friend hasn't snapped back once at even the greatest hints of a verbal attack either by the mil or the sil. the mil has played smart, she doesnt attack her directly but only thru twisted remarks and indirect references. It is sad that despite how coated words are, intent is something that needs no coating. my friend gets the message and plainly ignores it always.

i am not really sure if he can talk to his parents about his situation...everything is still new for my friend to actually understand if and ever has he been able to take up the subject with his parents. his parents could not be living in complete oblivion even if they havent heard it from the horse's mouth....her husband gave all what he earned throughout his career and they kept by telling how this way his money was being saved with them....if the money was actually saved for his use then he wouldn't have had to borrow to finance his entire wedding expenses....everything was paid by him and as reasonable parents you can't be not thinking of how and where all the money came from. so it is hard to believe they dont know and and sadly harder to believe how parents can actually remain indifferent to their own doing.

i am happy to know that your husband realised his shortcomings and stood for you. may Allah bless all with such kindness and help them out of difficult circumstances. She hasn't put her foot down as yet but then that has to be the last resort if things remain the way they are for long...mystical i know i may be sounding too curious but if i am not being personal, how long did you wait before putting a deadline? i am just trying to relate things here, again please excuse me if this is just too personal.

please keep her in your duas...

[Fingirl]

@Chicken_Biryani

Fingirl , Mabrook said it spot on ... Six months into the marriage , its abit too early to take any major decisions of splitting up with the family or even having problems in her relationship with her husband..

I have seen many cases similar to these , and one thing i have always always noticed is that time changes it all ... the bride needs to take a step back constantly, stay quiet , stay away from the fire zone .. let them deal with their issues first..

this girls husband has started feeling the fire in the belly , give him a few more months and the frustration will build up naturally all the more, when he will feel used by his own family... all your friend has to do is stay positive infront of him, listen to him if he opens up his heart but not say a word against his parents ... its his battle , let him come to terms with it first ... or else they will all blame your friend for starting the fire !

Keep in mind that similar to your friend , this is a new experience for her husband as well and it will take him some time to adjust two households , financially and socially as well .. in most cases things change within two years of marriage ... if his family is being unreasonable financially, he will put his foot down faster .. but if you push him to do it , he might not do it that keenly..

Its all about the equations , when its ones own mind and fight, one takes actions quicker .. but if you come into the equation, it will be more like saas v/s bahu and he will get confused.

thankyou chicken biryani....my friend is having a difficult time out there....like everyone else said she has to seem like less involved in the entire affair.

He now feels it is partly his fault but i hope like you said time does eventually make things better and may be quickly so if he feels like fighting for his own battle. it is actually confusing for her as well, as much as she wants to know how and why he has never considered it worth enough fighting for his own rights and knowing everything that has happened in the past , she feels bad for him and finds it difficult not to be vocal about and wants an immediate way out.

after all your valuable inputs, i feel there isn't an immediate way out of this but to keep hope alive and wait for the time to come....may be 2 yrs for everythng to get better, inshallah.

[hanibal]

Re: Urgent views/advice needed: Marriage Problem

Idher Shaadi hotee hay, idher khawateen, koy na koy issue bana ker Alag honay kay baray maiN sochna shoroo ker dayteeN haiN...

90% of the above issues are non-issues, the girl seems to be money-centered, come-on, it is six months of marriage, you even don't know each other yet..., ur friend has some problems within her self, either she is listening to her mom to much ( who is telling her to create a fuss) or she have some GOOD friends who are telling here how MAZLOOM she is...

Setting up one's own room and not doing it at home, given the glimpse that she want to show how neat and tidy she is, and how dirty and un-organized her Inlaws are... why don't she take the task, if their is a maide, she can supervise her, why don't she accept that her MIL is a mother, and ask her for advices, it is mentioned above somewhere that her MIL is teaching her to cook.. so she is somewhat helpfull

How many have sons/daughters here, how would they feel if somebody takes them away from them, given the fact that (s)he is the only one they got. If she stood for the decision then she should carry on with it, help ur MIL, try to mix up with ur SIL.. make them ur friends, it will not happen over-night, but it will happen soon, let MIL knows that she do care about her SILs, about the family and not another self-centered BAHU.

Your friend is turning the life of her hubby in a living hell, as far as i know, Economy of Dubai had been hitted hard by the current global recesion, one never knows what he is going through in his office and yet when he comes home, there is another front waiting for him...

Allah Aisi biwiyooN say bachay'e, I am lucky that mine one, did all it took to win the heart of her MIL and SILs, there was huge tension between the two families before our marriage, she never ever talks about it, my sister(s) calls here for advice and viceversa, my MIL always warns me to treat her good ( should have been other away around i guess)... all it takes is some sabr, some sensible thinking and determination..but if the intentions are that, i need to be seperated, so things will go my way, then there is very little anyone can do...

[Fingirl]

Only if my wife had great mentors like you all, especially mystical, my life would've been heaven!

marriedsingle...i really hope things work out the best for you ...and i agree all you mentors are worth every bit of acknowledgement!

Thank you very very much, ladies!