Upset..need advice

[phasma]

Re: Upset..need advice

I have been posting here about certain situations with my SIL and asking advices...

I have been married for 1 year now and Alhamdulillah my husband is sweet to the core and really a lovely person!

The things is that over time my SIL has been doing stuff to me in such ways that my hubby hasnt even observed whats been going on. She does things her way and seems well planned while creating chaos in my mind. Like she could ask him (never me/us) to watch her son while she would like to travel for a couple of weeks, and that also on a very short notice...

Recently divorced she has got loads of free time so whenever she wants to she just creates fuss for me.

The problem is that my hubby doesnt notice things. She does it the typical 'woman way'. In between I have talked to him and to me it seems like he would never think of her like that. He said to me that I might have misundertood things, but hey if things keep happening to you from the same person and you see a certain pattern, you wouldnt call it misunderstanding!!

I have known my SIL for 2 and half years and in all this time I have been experiencing domination and carelessness from her side. I have been very ill for some months but she never called to know how I am but when it comes to her, getting her will and getting things done, she suddenly underlines the fact that we are in family...hallo...like if family doesnt show care to you when u r ill....

I am very fed up with all her behaviour and I have decided to tell my hubby everything. how I have felt for the past long time and also how this is effecting my health...now I in doubt of my decision...he is the younger brother of this domianting elder sister who is using her divorce to gain way too much sympathy and get away with bad tameezi even...

what would your advice be?

and to those of you who dont like in law topics pls dont reply.....

I dont want to present this as a conflict to him..as he is the kind of person who would run away from conflicts...rather I would like to present it in a way that we can actually improve our relationship with her if he could talk to her....but i dont know....

After reading your post I have a feeling that for some reason you are afraid of your sister in law. Don't be unless she bites herself in the arm! I am going to tell you something that you should do strictly with minor changes if you really want to get rid of the problem.

Tell your husband clearly what your concerns are. If he is too dumb/shy to sort it out then take it as his suggestion and ignore his sister. Don't forget that life is too short to keep everyone happy with you. Ignore your sister in law for awhile and she will definitely speak up for it. That will be the time when you must underline (just like her) all the things that you have mentioned here and those too that you have not. And to wind up that session, inform your sister in law in an authoritative manner that this, this, and this are your rules and that's how it's going to work. Then don't sit there as it calls to prolong the discussion (which you don't want).

If you don't do this, you will keep posting on forums for quite a long time.

Good luck!

PS: Please always be careful and fair when making rules.

[Chameli420]

Re: Upset..need advice

Thanks for all your advices.
I have actually thought of talking to him for a very long time cuz I dont wanna live that typical desi wife life that in front of husband act like things are good and behind his back there is a war going on between wife, sil or mil....

So I actually decided to talk to him and told him I see a certain pattern in her behaviour. a certain dominatation. and that she sometimes pushes me/us to get her will...and that at times I havent felt respected especially when she explicitly told me that she was jealous of me...he was quiet chocked to hear this..

His initial reaction was to comfort me and let me know that I should feel sad. then he asked what we should do and when I told him that I expect him to change slightly so he can put limits on behalf of us. His argument is that his family behaves with us as they have always beahved with him...so I shouldnt take much notice of the informal tone...

next day we spoke about it again....and during the conversation he asked me if I had the opportunity to talk to her, what would I say..I said that I would actually just ask for more respect which he thinks is kind of aqusing her of not showing resepct as there have been other occassions where she did show respect...

this has really provoced me...it seems like she can run away with anyting she wants...even the thing about jealousy..he said that it MIGHT be a joke....seems like he is trying to justify her actions and statements towards me

our conversation just ended with be getting angry and saying that let us never talk about this anymore since you dont understand and it seems like I am the one who must have misundertood everything eventhough I have experienced explicit stuff....

I am lost...I dont know what to do..dont wanna do all these desi drame that women do to each other....

Please pray for me

[Chameli420]

Re: Upset..need advice

chameli how old is your sil's kid? And are you supposed to take care of him or does your husband when the kid is left at your place?

The kid is 7...when we are asked/told to take care of him it means that SIL will be out of town and we have to prepare him for school, drive him to school, pick him up from there and also adjusting our work hours accordingly....

Now all of a sudden she mailed my hubby that her ex is gonna take care of their son while she is away for 2 weeks..I dont get it..it all starts with "I am not gonna ask my ex. You guys can take care of him" to a sudden mail informing hubby that ex will do it.

This is happening for the 2nd time now..last month we were supposed to take care of him and had planned accordingly and suddenly she mailed that her ex will do it ...without any explanation or appology for having disturbed us...

I know that I am a sensitive person and note a lot....but she really is challenging and creates fuss...

I think I will go mad...it is so lonely when hubby dont see it same way ....

[hin33]

Re: Upset..need advice

i still admire him for listening to you .. and admitting the problem// trust me this is grt progress.. he knows of the problem .. that is all that matters,
things will take a positive turn from here..

Again dont take her too seriously.. and dont expect him to put limits on her .. he won’t / can’t do it …

even thou he said that she was joking when she made a comment abt you .. deep down he knows the reality and now trying for u to forget it and not take it too seriously .

now make the poor man happy for God’s sake

[hin33]

Re: Upset..need advice

@Chameli420

The kid is 7...when we are asked/told to take care of him it means that SIL will be out of town and we have to prepare him for school, drive him to school, pick him up from there and also adjusting our work hours accordingly....

Now all of a sudden she mailed my hubby that her ex is gonna take care of their son while she is away for 2 weeks..I dont get it..it all starts with "I am not gonna ask my ex. You guys can take care of him" to a sudden mail informing hubby that ex will do it.

This is happening for the 2nd time now..last month we were supposed to take care of him and had planned accordingly and suddenly she mailed that her ex will do it ...without any explanation or appology for having disturbed us...

I know that I am a sensitive person and note a lot....but she really is challenging and creates fuss...

I think I will go mad...it is so lonely when hubby dont see it same way ....

Really this isnt a big deal when u are dealing with brothers and sisters..

cheer up girl

u have a good man ..
:)

[Ask99]

Re: Upset..need advice

@Chameli420

The kid is 7...when we are asked/told to take care of him it means that SIL will be out of town and we have to prepare him for school, drive him to school, pick him up from there and also adjusting our work hours accordingly....

Now all of a sudden she mailed my hubby that her ex is gonna take care of their son while she is away for 2 weeks..I dont get it..it all starts with "I am not gonna ask my ex. You guys can take care of him" to a sudden mail informing hubby that ex will do it.

This is happening for the 2nd time now..last month we were supposed to take care of him and had planned accordingly and suddenly she mailed that her ex will do it ...without any explanation or appology for having disturbed us...

I know that I am a sensitive person and note a lot....but she really is challenging and creates fuss...

I think I will go mad...it is so lonely when hubby dont see it same way ....

I think she is just going through adjustment period..trying to do everything independent of her ex...by that I do mean that she considers u guys in that equation though...I know it must be hard for you guys but do try to think from her side to as you and just do it for sawab instead of doing it and then boiling over it...One question..what would you do if you were in her place..with a broken marriage and a child?

[PyariCgudia]

Re: Upset..need advice

After having read your complaints about your in-laws, I felt that I should really say something. Far be it for me to not take a woman's side, but the things you've said have prompted me to be VERY furious with the way desi women handle things.

1. She's divorced. We get it. You, as a family member, need to be supportive of her during this hard time. Instead, you're being selfish, and ONLY thinking about the matter through your perspective. The only nasty thing I've seen you report of her is that she told you she's jealous of you. Except, I have no idea what tone she used or what circumstance that came up in. Regardless, you really should stop and think about those words. You're a married woman. She isn't. Her marriage fell apart, and she has a child to take care of, and on top of that it sounds like she works since she's out of town often. That's NO EASY position to be in. Especially for a desi girl. Its imperative that you undertand these things, before God forbid, fate decides to make things humorous and put YOU in HER position.

2. She asks your husband if you guys can take care of her kid. I don't know what neck of the woods you come from, but that's called being there for each other as a family. In my family, we take care of our cousins all the time, if parents have work obligations and they need someone to babysit. Its not a big deal. You get to spend some time with your 7 year old nephew. How bad is that, really? Lets say YOU were in the hospital, or YOU had to fly out for a work conference, or whatever, and your husband is working, and you need someone to watch your kid. Wouldn't you ask some family member to help out? So WHY is your SIL such a bad person for asking her family to help her? As for changing her mind and sending the kid off to the father's - again, how is that a bad thing? If you find it troublesome to babysit a child, then shouldn't you be happy that she took the load off your shoulders and put it on the kid's biological father?? Isn't that the responsible thing to do??

3. As per points 1 and 2, you simply have a zilch argument against your SIL. You're doing nothing but whining and complaining, and in the process, you're hurting your husband. That is the family he grew up with and YOU chose to marry into this family. Now you have to accept that their ways of living might be a little different than your family's ways, and that doesn't make it WRONG.

Really, desi women. Some of you have so much to appreciate, and you can't SIT STILL without making trouble in your homes.

[Mr_Fraudia]

Re: Upset..need advice

PCG on a roll!!!!!

[Submission_To_Peace]

Re: Upset..need advice

Life is too short. Think positve, be sincere, give sacrifices for the love of Allah, try to forgive and forget.

^ I know sister, it is easier said than done, and I myself have not yet reached this level (but struggling) BUT in the end the reward of your efforts, sacrifices and patience would be given by someone who never forgets or misses even a thought equal to a grain of sand which passes through your heart and mind.

Every good action has atleast some good reaction. Insha'Allah Allah would bless you with success for all your efforts and sacrifices in the form of a place in the heart of you SIL.. May be her intentions are not bad but if you place yourself in her position and try to come closer to her, you might get an introduction to a totally different person, someone alot better than she apparently seems...

Two wrongs never make one right. Someone has to take the initiative of Peace for the love of family and that demands going through a fire of emotions, but it would insha'Allah give good results. Not only would it make you like the diamond from which all the impurities are removed after it passes through the fire but also it would soften your SIL's heart (InshaAllah)

May Allah bless you and your family with peace and love in this life and hereafter. Ameem/

[Chameli420]

Re: Upset..need advice

After having read your complaints about your in-laws, I felt that I should really say something. Far be it for me to not take a woman's side, but the things you've said have prompted me to be VERY furious with the way desi women handle things.

1. She's divorced. We get it. You, as a family member, need to be supportive of her during this hard time. Instead, you're being selfish, and ONLY thinking about the matter through your perspective. The only nasty thing I've seen you report of her is that she told you she's jealous of you. Except, I have no idea what tone she used or what circumstance that came up in. Regardless, you really should stop and think about those words. You're a married woman. She isn't. Her marriage fell apart, and she has a child to take care of, and on top of that it sounds like she works since she's out of town often. That's NO EASY position to be in. Especially for a desi girl. Its imperative that you undertand these things, before God forbid, fate decides to make things humorous and put YOU in HER position.

2. She asks your husband if you guys can take care of her kid. I don't know what neck of the woods you come from, but that's called being there for each other as a family. In my family, we take care of our cousins all the time, if parents have work obligations and they need someone to babysit. Its not a big deal. You get to spend some time with your 7 year old nephew. How bad is that, really? Lets say YOU were in the hospital, or YOU had to fly out for a work conference, or whatever, and your husband is working, and you need someone to watch your kid. Wouldn't you ask some family member to help out? So WHY is your SIL such a bad person for asking her family to help her? As for changing her mind and sending the kid off to the father's - again, how is that a bad thing? If you find it troublesome to babysit a child, then shouldn't you be happy that she took the load off your shoulders and put it on the kid's biological father?? Isn't that the responsible thing to do??

3. As per points 1 and 2, you simply have a zilch argument against your SIL. You're doing nothing but whining and complaining, and in the process, you're hurting your husband. That is the family he grew up with and YOU chose to marry into this family. Now you have to accept that their ways of living might be a little different than your family's ways, and that doesn't make it WRONG.

Really, desi women. Some of you have so much to appreciate, and you can't SIT STILL without making trouble in your homes.

PCG, u had a bad day and u suddenly felt like letting it go on me???

well I only mentioned one thing here about her as I didnt want to write a long essay about what she has done or said. I wrote cuz I needed to ask what I can do about a person who is dominating and likes to get her will ALL THE TIME.

for example she was suggesting that me and her can go and find a rishta for her bro!!!!what kind of a woman says that to her future bhabi??
and that I should make a profile on a Matrimonial site and get in touch with her ex-hubby!!!!! what kind of a woman says that to her bhabi to be..just 1 month our wedding!!!!

Once her friend had read all the text message my hubby had sent me and my SIL had the nerve to ask her friend what my hubby had written and also IN FRONT OF ME!!!

and then my MIl once gave me a gift that SIL really wanted so she kept asking for borrowing it. Hubby told her that we needed it but then I got ill for a longer period and we didnt use it so she kept asking again...at the end she asked hubby, went into another room where I wasnt and made him give it to him. when i asked her what was wrong with the exact thing she has at home, she called hubby the next day to say ke agar dene ko dil nahin to nahin dena tha...and I am like hellooOO!!!!

well the list is long!!and my complaining hasnt just emerged out of nothing!!!

Of couse I know that family takes care of each other when this lady doesnt show one single sign of family care while I was ill for MONTHS then I really ask the meaning of family!!!
how busy can one be that u cant even ask ur bhabi how she is!!!!

for you information she doesnt travel out of town for work, but for pleasure. and when u are travelling out of pleassure it might be an idea to first coordinate who can take care of the kid instead of book ur ticket and then create a HUGE fuss in the whole family!!!!that is completely childish behaviour!!

I do feel sorry for her but when a person has behaved in such way to you that you dont feel respected at all and does all this desi chalaakiaan with u and ur hubby, I really dont feel like I am in her family!!!

funny how suddenly I am in her family now when she needed help!!!

[Chameli420]

Re: Upset..need advice

Life is too short. Think positve, be sincere, give sacrifices for the love of Allah, try to forgive and forget.

^ I know sister, it is easier said than done, and I myself have not yet reached this level (but struggling) BUT in the end the reward of your efforts, sacrifices and patience would be given by someone who never forgets or misses even a thought equal to a grain of sand which passes through your heart and mind.

Every good action has atleast some good reaction. Insha'Allah Allah would bless you with success for all your efforts and sacrifices in the form of a place in the heart of you SIL.. May be her intentions are not bad but if you place yourself in her position and try to come closer to her, you might get an introduction to a totally different person, someone alot better than she apparently seems...

Two wrongs never make one right. Someone has to take the initiative of Peace for the love of family and that demands going through a fire of emotions, but it would insha'Allah give good results. Not only would it make you like the diamond from which all the impurities are removed after it passes through the fire but also it would soften your SIL's heart (InshaAllah)

May Allah bless you and your family with peace and love in this life and hereafter. Ameem/

Thanks for your advide and dua bro:)

[cat-woman]

Re: Upset..need advice

Chameli she does sound really messed up, and I feel for you because she is ruining your life. I hope you get through it, or better yet - move far away from her.

[Aashi]

Re: Upset..need advice

yeh Chameli…cant u move away from her?..but i guess u muyt not be able to do that as ur hubby myt want to live with his family and take care of his parents and sis ryt?..

divorced women have nothing elz to do but sit round and interfere n other ppls business…(im not saying that to everybody but jus sum who have a habit of doing that)…

i know Atif is very sensitive about his family…especially his parents…but he’s also fair too…firstly alhumdulillah his parents are way too nice to even point a finger at…but if i dont like sumthing which has happened and it has bothered me i talk to him at nyt…and i tell him my feelings about it…he wud then take it into account wot went on and what can be don e to deal with it…

one thing i have learnt is if u wana be in ur hubbys good books u have to love wot he loves…he loves his family u have to learn to die for them…he likes his sister u need to respect her even more…

the things u sed above about ryt after ur marriage she started saying lets look for her bros rishta…that is painful……i’d be really pissed if she sed that to me even as a joke…u can say instead…‘hum aapka kiyoun ni dhoonte?..looks like ur the one in need for one much more then ur bro’…

i know its bad bad bad to say these things but these women can only be tackeled their way…give her a taste of her own medicine…and about the txt msg thing…sweety try not to leave ur mobile round…and if they had read it jus own up and with a smile on ur face say ‘husband piyaar ke ulfaazoun ke alawa aur kiya likhe ga?..im soo lucky he loves me soo much’……she’s shut up her self…

like u im not even challak…if this was happeneing to me i dont think i’d be able to stand it but i’ll be preparing myself not to let her cum btw me and my husband and try to be the best in everybody elses eyes…

[Chameli420]

Re: Upset..need advice

@Aashi

yeh Chameli…cant u move away from her?..but i guess u muyt not be able to do that as ur hubby myt want to live with his family and take care of his parents and sis ryt?..

divorced women have nothing elz to do but sit round and interfere n other ppls business…(im not saying that to everybody but jus sum who have a habit of doing that)…

i know Atif is very sensitive about his family…especially his parents…but he’s also fair too…firstly alhumdulillah his parents are way too nice to even point a finger at…but if i dont like sumthing which has happened and it has bothered me i talk to him at nyt…and i tell him my feelings about it…he wud then take it into account wot went on and what can be don e to deal with it…

one thing i have learnt is if u wana be in ur hubbys good books u have to love wot he loves…he loves his family u have to learn to die for them…he likes his sister u need to respect her even more…

the things u sed above about ryt after ur marriage she started saying lets look for her bros rishta…that is painful……i’d be really pissed if she sed that to me even as a joke…u can say instead…‘hum aapka kiyoun ni dhoonte?..looks like ur the one in need for one much more then ur bro’…

i know its bad bad bad to say these things but these women can only be tackeled their way…give her a taste of her own medicine…and about the txt msg thing…sweety try not to leave ur mobile round…and if they had read it jus own up and with a smile on ur face say ‘husband piyaar ke ulfaazoun ke alawa aur kiya likhe ga?..im soo lucky he loves me soo much’……she’s shut up her self…

like u im not even challak…if this was happeneing to me i dont think i’d be able to stand it but i’ll be preparing myself not to let her cum btw me and my husband and try to be the best in everybody elses eyes…

thanks dear…

well all the stuff that I have mentioed that she has said/done..I didnt know what to say or react and I am so dumb that I didnt react on the spot…aise to chuha bhi sher ban jaata hai…so now she behaves like she is the queen who can do7say whatever and get along with stuff…

I am happy that I spoke to my hubby and told him most of this that I have mentioned here and told him that I dont feel respected…even though he tried to say that it might be joke/misunderstandings I know taht deep down he does know that whatever she sais and did was not nice!!!

of course I dont mind helping a divorced woman and taking care of her son when needed. all i m asking for is respect!!!

[Chameli420]

Re: Upset..need advice

Moving away isnt realistic right now. I have tried to but hubby wants to be there for her so he can help her finding a hubby. fair enough.

I just have to learn to deal with her in a way that she gets to know that there are limits to everything!

[Aashi]

Re: Upset..need advice

Chameli yaar aik baat bataoun....wen one is not happy with themself or their own family they DEFINATELY wanna ruin the others....but if that one is happy with themself and their family and everyhting is happy jubli do...they want the best for sumbody else too......

ur happy with ur life and yes she is jealous.....wotever u dooo u need to be strong for ur husband and have the strongest mohubbut btw the two of u.......let ur hubby c dat...time....time heals everything......u gotta be patient sweety.....

[Chameli420]

Re: Upset..need advice

yes I know-patience is a virtue and so far I have patient and quiet despite her outrageous behaviour towards me....

I just hope that I can continue being patient...and not let this ruin my modd and thus effect my interaction with hubby

inshaAllah khair...

[Aashi]

Re: Upset..need advice

Moving away isnt realistic right now. I have tried to but hubby wants to be there for her so he can help her finding a hubby. fair enough.

I just have to learn to deal with her in a way that she gets to know that there are limits to everything!

hmmm i can understand that......wot about ur mothe-in-law is she nice n caring?...is ur fatehr-in-law caring?

[Chameli420]

Re: Upset..need advice

FIl is very caring. MIL is nice but in between tries to do MIL walli chaalakian but luckily hubby can see that whever it happens so it doesnt effect me that much.
Alhamdulillah they are nice ppl:)

[Aashi]

Re: Upset..need advice

^^
le phir chill woman…u got nuthing to worry [EMAIL=“about…@rotato”]about…:rotato:..u got a nice hubby…shukrane ke nuful paha kur…

ur SIL jus needs a hubby dats all…she jus needs to be happy and have happiness in ehr life…dats y she cant stand anybody else being selfish…if she was Allah ki bundi she wud be happy no matter wots goin on with her in her life…