To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife

[queen_24]

Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife

This right of men is in the Quran and given by Allah himself. There are many things that women have over men and men over women. This is one of those things that men have over women. Most women might not like this nor be willing to share a husband. This is all good but never question Allah. It is the way it is and there is nothing anyone can do about it. This exists because of orphans and widows so they can get easily married. It exists for wars as more men die than women so no woman can be left behind. It exists because there are more women in this world than men so they all can get married. It exists because sometimes one cannot have children and one needs a second wife but does not want to divorce the first as it is not her fault. As much it seems to be good for the men it is for the good of women too.

Personally I would only want one wife. Most men are this way. However there are some who choose to have more than one. There are some women that are OK with it. It is hard finding them but they are out there. I would recommend that it is not done without all wives' agreeing to it. Everything from the money spent to the time should be the same. One should truly try their level best to be equal to them for we will all be answerable to Allah. I live in a state in the U.S. where you can only have one wife but as many girlfriends as you want. My local Imam has three wives and is looking for the fourth. He was born and raised in the U.S. All of his wives are from here. He never did the court marriage just the Islamic one as in my state if you get a divorce the wife takes half of everything. He did not want anything of them to have this over each other. I have a uncle who had two best friends in Pakistan who are poor and got married to each of their daughters. He married the first and after three years gave a court divorce and then married the second so they can both be here.

well explained.

[partyslims]

Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife

Meanwhile in GroupShoop Farum's Wife4 subsection this topic is being discussed: "My 4th wife thinks I spend too much time with my 1st wife who thinks I take out the 3rd one too much who thinks I spend too much with the in laws of 2nd who thinks I play favorite with the 4th one's kid. Halp"

[queer]

Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife

on the plus side, 4 DILs vs. 1 MIL.

[psyah]

Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife

If the country we live in does not allow multiple marriages and we try to create situations that compromise the legal status we enjoy then who are we really kidding? The country or ourselves? When a person gives a court divorce - is that not the same as a real divorce? And we must remember that marriage is a sacred act. Our status in a country is a promise - it is a contract we make with the country - it becomes Islamically binding on us to observe.

If a divorce is done in court or not it is Islamically effective - It is signed with his name - that does not change. A court demands all parties to be sincere. We should avoid dangerous grounds and be monogamous in countries that do not allow polygamy.

[PashtunWarrior]

Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife

If the country we live in does not allow multiple marriages and we try to create situations that compromise the legal status we enjoy then who are we really kidding? The country or ourselves? When a person gives a court divorce - is that not the same as a real divorce? And we must remember that marriage is a sacred act. Our status in a country is a promise - it is a contract we make with the country - it becomes Islamically binding on us to observe.

If a divorce is done in court or not it is Islamically effective - It is signed with his name - that does not change. A court demands all parties to be sincere. We should avoid dangerous grounds and be monogamous in countries that do not allow polygamy.

In the U.S. the family law is under the states. I live in a state where there is no law for fornication, adultery, cohabitation and does not recognize common law marriage. You can have as many partners as you want. In Islam the religious laws override everything from culture and costumes to laws of other nations. It is true that one must respect the laws of the nation they are in and if they cannot practice their religion they must leave. The ruling in my state is that as long as you have the religious marriage done properly it does not matter. The state simply does not care.

[psyah]

Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife

@PashtunWarrior

In the U.S. the family law is under the states. I live in a state where there is no law for fornication, adultery, cohabitation and does not recognize common law marriage. You can have as many partners as you want. In Islam the religious laws override everything from culture and costumes to laws of other nations. It is true that one must respect the laws of the nation they are in and if they cannot practice their religion they must leave. The ruling in my state is that as long as you have the religious marriage done properly it does not matter. The state simply does not care.

That is fine … but if someone actively gives a divorce but really it is not a divorce - that is not allowed Islamically.

Is Sham Marriage Allowed in Islam?  - Islam Question & Answer

Is Divorce in Writing Valid? - Islam Question & Answer

Islamic law pervades the law of the land where the law of the land is allowing things that Islam forbids. Such as fornication, etc … But where the law of the land requires one legally married wife and Islam requires all wives to be legally married - that is a conflict where there is more than one wife and should a person choose to stay in that country then they should remain legally married to one wife with one relationship. Islam does not allow one wife to be in the eyes of the law a marriage and another to be legally viewed as a girl friend. You can’t call your Islamic wife a girlfriend … that is a lie.

Look say there is a case where a man dies and leaves behind the legal wife and the illegal wife … who will inherit? Islamic constitution has to be kept aloof of our personal desires or ideas of justice - or else we end up making more problems rather than solving them.

[psyah]

Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife

@queer

on the plus side, 4 DILs vs. 1 MIL.

But on the realistic side … It’s 1 MIL and 3 CoWs vs innocent wife (CoW = Co-Wife)

[gudiaali]

Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife

A man can take on second wife even for the reasons like if his emotional or sexual or mental needs are not met by the first one.
he has given the this right. at the same time the first wife is given a right to either stay in the marriage or leave the marriage.
every woman is different while some have high tolerance levels and capabilities to manage in such a situation and can chose to stay in that kind of partnership whereas others cant bear this. and they have a right to get divorce, to remarry some other man or can stay single the rest of their lives. it is their choice and GOD given right.

polygamy is not only considered a normal thing in Arab countries but also in interior Sind and NWFP in Pakistan this is considered a norm. but to tell you all no women in these areas have accepted this thing from their hearts. they are pushed into this by the males for centuries now and they just have to live with it but doesn't mean they are content with this kind of marriages.
the girl who is taken as a second wife is not given a choice to accept or reject. she simply is not allowed to refuse a married man and is forced into such marriage by the male members of her house. And in this case, the girl can not be blamed as to why she marries an already married man.

[psyah]

Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife

@gudiaali

A man can take on second wife even for the reasons like if his emotional or sexual or mental needs are not met by the first one. he has given the this right. at the same time the first wife is given a right to either stay in the marriage or leave the marriage. every woman is different while some have high tolerance levels and capabilities to manage in such a situation and can chose to stay in that kind of partnership whereas others cant bear this. and they have a right to get divorce, to remarry some other man or can stay single the rest of their lives. it is their choice and GOD given right.

polygamy is not only considered a normal thing in Arab countries but also in interior Sind and NWFP in Pakistan this is considered a norm. but to tell you all no women in these areas have accepted this thing from their hearts. they are pushed into this by the males for centuries now and they just have to live with it but doesn't mean they are content with this kind of marriages. the girl who is taken as a second wife is not given a choice to accept or reject. she simply is not allowed to refuse a married man and is forced into such marriage by the male members of her house. And in this case, the girl can not be blamed as to why she marries an already married man.

This is the unIslamic practice part - right here

[gudiaali]

Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife

@Paheli00

Here’s another thought that comes to mind. How does a widow (or a divorcee) feel at the thought that a man married her b/c he thought she’s not capable of controlling herself and would commit sin? When a woman is single, widowed, or a divorcee…aren’t we women capable of controlling our desires while we search for a man who doesn’t already have a wife? My nana died when my mother was in 8th grade. My nani never re-married and died when she was in her 90’s. My best friend (who is a Pakistani btw) lost her dad to a heart attack when she was 11. Her mother chose not to re-marry and has managed to live life and raise 2 daughters for 20+ years. As far as I know…my nani and best friend’s mother didn’t go around the community committing “sin” to fulfil their needs.

All this talk of widows…what about women who are physically handicapped or have some form of deformity (either through birth or a medical condition)? Don’t these women have needs too? Yet when was the last time anyone here met a man who took on a woman (virgin or otherwise) as his 2nd wife who had some form of handicap?

yup, women are capable of controlling their desires, even men are capable of doing this. that is why Marriage is not kept as a Farz in Islam but as a Sunnah. if both men and women were not created with the CONTROL function, then i think GOD would have made marriage as farz or would have even put a penalty on those not marrying.

[Jolie]

Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife

@Paheli00

Has anyone here ever met someone who is/was a 2nd wife? Like someone close? What was their reason for consenting to the marriage? How on earth does a woman look at a married man as a potential spouse?! I don’t recall ever looking at married man and feeling “oh hey…I could marry him!”. I mean…I know men who have had affairs and divorced their 1st wife to marry their mistress. It takes 2 to tango so while the man is definitely to blame…as a married woman I have harsh feelings towards women who choose to become a married man’s mistress. Should I feel differently towards a woman who takes it one step further and actually marries the already married man? By actually making her claim to the man “official”…is she better or worse than a woman who just has a temporary affair?

No doubt Islam allows polygamy so I’m not debating that. But what does it say about a woman’s character when she actually considers another woman’s husband as a person to meet her “needs”?

You are coming across as so innocent. lol

Women have been falling for married men or vice varsa ever since Adam and Eve decided to populate the earth. It’s a hardly modern day phenomena recently discovered by the coming of internet. You are leaving side note that Islam allows polygamy and I’m not going to debate that then what exactly is there to debate? If its as earth shattering as you are making it seem like surely Islam would’ve made it a cardinal sin for woman to take married man as her husband or married man to take a second wife? By your logic, all the noble wives of prophets and sahaba’s, taba tab’een and supreme scholars are total…you know the word. Aren’t we Muslims told to respect both wives of Hazrat Ibrahim? Do Christian or Jews do any character assassination of either Hagar and Sarah? So the point is, polygamy doesn’t work for you, its great, or if you think polygamy doesn’t wok in this day and age that’s also fine. However, it’s futile to get into superficial theorizing about how perfect and ordered human nature should always be, because it can’t be. Isn’t it? Forget about second marriage, if human nature was capable of being so perfect or even under control, we wouldn’t have any violence, deception and so many inequalities in this world. I mean Islam asks people to control their sexual desires or get married by why do some Muslims choose to cohabitate and have sexual relationship without considering marriage? Not that I wanna start any debate on that but do you see the point?

Not every Tom, Dick, Harry can handle or is technically allowed to take a second wife (if one reads up all the Islamic terms and conditions for second marriage) or every women’s can tolerate another woman by her husband’s side.

Yes I personally know a woman who is a second wife to a filthy rich feudal lord, both wives live in two separate lavish mansions with army of servants and enjoy a well established social status (no GS type saas bahu garbage that defines their whole existnce). Why the man’s first wife didn’t decide to leave him and why the second woman decided to marry him doesn’t require a genius to figure out. But that’s a rare exception not a rule. Second marriage is not something for every Tom, Dick and Harry to practice nor for every woman who has enough saas bahu drama in already hand to tolerate. I think I’ve already mentioned this above…but oh well

[Aukhan]

Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife

If a man can use his God given right so can women.

You will expect mullah and ustani sahiba's to blame the women for asking for their rights in this case.

[queen_24]

Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife

quween je i think she saying you she would like to find a nice co-wife who can sing coz she cant.

I am waiting for Paheli's response specifically!!

[Reha]

Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife

@Paheli00

Has anyone here ever met someone who is/was a 2nd wife? Like someone close? What was their reason for consenting to the marriage? How on earth does a woman look at a married man as a potential spouse?! I don’t recall ever looking at married man and feeling “oh hey…I could marry him!”. I mean…I know men who have had affairs and divorced their 1st wife to marry their mistress. It takes 2 to tango so while the man is definitely to blame…as a married woman I have harsh feelings towards women who choose to become a married man’s mistress. Should I feel differently towards a woman who takes it one step further and actually marries the already married man? By actually making her claim to the man “official”…is she better or worse than a woman who just has a temporary affair?

No doubt Islam allows polygamy so I’m not debating that. But what does it say about a woman’s character when she actually considers another woman’s husband as a person to meet her “needs”?

I’ve met a couple of them. One was a widow and the other was an opportunist. The widow did it because the first wife is in a different country. The opportunist did it because the first wife was too meek and timid to stand up for herself. It was just too easy.

[Princess1983]

Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife

As a child who was brought up in this whole 2 wife drama because 'men can have multiple wives' in Islam I'd like to break it down for the OP.

Firstly; if my husband said he was remarrying, or was considering it then as a Muslim I also have rights too so Whoop I'd use them too. Why not get myself a shiny new husband if he can get a nice new wife?

Newsflash people: the majority of those taking on second wives are not marrying a widow, a prostitute, a poor woman, a divorcee (oh God forbid!) etc. They are marrying girls often younger or those they've taken a shining to. I

It's not about being a good Muslim now is it? The majority do so because they can. Simples. Those brothers who say we can marry more than one woman it's our right. Good on you brother. However when was the last time you fed the poor in your neighbourhood? When did you last give the Masjid a good clean? When was the last time you gave your widow Aunt a call to see if she was okay? What about your kids from the first marriage? Do you know how they are performing in School? Do you even know your first wifes shoe size?! See you can marry up to 4 times but if you are lacking as a good Muslim in the first place no amount of justifying can say 'oh what a noble Muslim man he's married again'.

No one in the right mind can even contemplate loving two people the same. When a man takes on another wife he has responsibilities to match both wives needs. Can a man of today do that? Erm well OP you seem new around here so let me give you a hint. Take a look at all the posts where husbands are struggling to meet the needs of 1 wife, a sister, a demanding Mother etc etc. Unrealistic? Much!

Some women (especially those raised in countries were it's practiced) see nothing wrong with the husband marrying a younger bird, bringing her into the home and casting off the first wife as the older one who bore the family name blah blah blah. It happens; and I've read various reports in which certain Arab countries wish to limit or even stop foreign maids from gaining entry into their countries because their country divorce rate is becoming higher and higher especially in the older women. As the men have 4 wives and they find another new one guess which one is the first to go?

I personally don't think this many good men do it; because they are aware of the struggles they face on a daily basis to meet the demands of being a good human in the 21st century so why would he want to complicate his life?

I'm aware of many men in my local community who have two wives-one lives with their parents and looks after their parents and the other one lives on Government benefits and is visited for 'couple duties' three times a week. Good Muslims? Good men? Hmph! There more likely to give Islam bad publicity.

If a man is quick to express his rights then I see no reason why I shouldn't do the same. Allah gave me enough brain power to gain an education and I can happily work and provide for my child if need be.

As for men taking on a second wife because his sexual needs are not being met; how comes it's acceptable socially and culturally for a man to give this reason but if a woman does (e.g. she leaves her husband and wants a divorce) on the same grounds she's given colourful names? Double standards stink.

Now OP; are you attempting to justify the whole 'men have rights let them use them' because you are planning to be the OTHER wife?

[Paheli00]

To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife

Queen: I didn’t understand the question you posed earlier? Please clarify.

Btw, I’m out of town visiting in-laws so won’t be posting much today or tomorrow. I only have my phone and tying long posts is hard. Don’t want anyone thinking I disappeared. Same goes for those here waiting on a PM. I’ll write more tomorrow evening or Monday.

[mizsani]

Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife

@Paheli00

Has anyone here ever met someone who is/was a 2nd wife? Like someone close? What was their reason for consenting to the marriage? How on earth does a woman look at a married man as a potential spouse?! I don’t recall ever looking at married man and feeling “oh hey…I could marry him!”. I mean…I know men who have had affairs and divorced their 1st wife to marry their mistress. It takes 2 to tango so while the man is definitely to blame…as a married woman I have harsh feelings towards women who choose to become a married man’s mistress. Should I feel differently towards a woman who takes it one step further and actually marries the already married man? By actually making her claim to the man “official”…is she better or worse than a woman who just has a temporary affair?

No doubt Islam allows polygamy so I’m not debating that. But what does it say about a woman’s character when she actually considers another woman’s husband as a person to meet her “needs”?

I have wondered why would a woman knowingly want to become a second wife.
It does take two two tango but In my opinion the husband is more to blame.
If my hubby wanted to marry someone else, I would not blame the girl. She did not marry me or make promises to me, he did. I would not think positively about her either but she doesn’t owe me anything.
Anyways, I have told hubby that if he wanted to marry another woman, he could. I just would not stick around to suffer because of it.

[queen_24]

Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife

@Paheli00

Queen: I didn’t understand the question you posed earlier? Please clarify.

Btw, I’m out of town visiting in-laws so won’t be posting much today or tomorrow. I only have my phone and tying long posts is hard. Don’t want anyone thinking I disappeared. Same goes for those here waiting on a PM. I’ll write more tomorrow evening or Monday.

yar confused to main hun…about your comment… like you said, (Quoting you here) * How on earth does a woman look at a married man as a potential spouse?! I don’t recall ever looking at married man and feeling “oh hey…I could marry him!”.
*
You said that about a married man who is happily married or the one who have had a bad marriage experience previously & wants to get rid of her??!!
If its about someone who is happily married and seeking for someone just for fun and the “other woman” knows about it and still she is ok with it and doesn’t care about what consequences can occur between the husband and wife and all that divorce thing they will have to go through but this OTHER lady doesnt even care then yes you are right.

[tranquil]

Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife

I know someone who recently became a second wife. the guy didn't like his first wife much and kept complaining to the second wife ( girl friend) at the time) that he was sick of her. he helped the second wife( girl friend back then) get a divorce since she was married to a man with a mental illness and he didn't want to be cured and was abusive towards her and her child as well.

he bought the second wife her own apartment and something tells me the first wife isn't getting too many visits from him anymore. i know for a fact that she was extremely unhappy with the whole second marriage situation but she consented because she would have been given the boot if she hadn't.

now the guy thinks he did nothing wrong at all, in fact he earned sawab by marrying a young helpless girl who was stuck in a bad marriage ; but to me he emotionally cheated on his first wife and earned a whole lot of gunah during the whole process.

poor first wife; i really feel for her and her children.

[lethal_kamikaze]

Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife

Usually I don't post here but after reading many posts, it seems to me "jab tak husband jooro ka ghulam rahy ga, saath rahy ga. Jis din ghulami khatam howi, usi din saath bhi khatam". :D

btw I'm against having more then a wife unless there is really needs of more than one wife.