Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife
Just another lady.Not better than the ones who opt for khula nor worse as its just a personal choice.
I meant why they didn't opt for khulla? were they weaker to exercise their right?
Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife
Nothing negative. Whether it’s living in joint family, choosing to stay in a marriage where the husband and/or in-laws treat her like garbage, or polygamy…if a woman chooses to remain in a situation like that…that’s her choice.
I know what I want in MY life and will take every step necessary to ensure that I get it. But I don’t have negative views towards other women if they choose something that I wouldn’t choose for myself…AS LONG AS it doesn’t effect my life. So as long as the woman isn’t pursuing MY husband as a man who can fulfill her “needs”…her and I will be cool.
Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife
Nothing negative. Whether it's living in joint family, choosing to stay in a marriage where the husband and/or in-laws treat her like garbage, or polygamy.........if a woman chooses to remain in a situation like that.....that's her choice.
I know what I want in MY life and will take every step necessary to ensure that I get it. But I don't have negative views towards other women if they choose something that I wouldn't choose for myself........AS LONG AS it doesn't effect my life. So as long as the woman isn't pursuing MY husband as a man who can fulfill her "needs".....her and I will be cool.
Isn't it generalisation that after a man marries second lady, he treats first wife like a garbage? There are instances in history as well as in our own observation when this is not true.
Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife
I meant why they didn't opt for khulla? were they weaker to exercise their right?
No.Its a personal choice.If she is ok with it,then she doesn't hv to opt for khula.
Just like every man doesn't opt for multiple wives , it being their personal choice.
Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife
interesting how the person who started this topic has disappeared...
my good friend who got married in her late teens actually had a clause in her nikkah that stated her husband would, under no circumstances, take a second wife (third wife, fourth wife, etc, etc). this is in the USA too. i thought this was really interesting. has anyone else heard of this or done this first hand?
there was also a young, good looking couple in our community who were well off and both from good families. they were married for probably a year or so and the husband decided he wanted to take a second wife (another good looking female, single/virgin from a well off family). i guess both husband and first wife were in agreement and this dude shows up with his wife at the second prospective wife's parents home with his rishta. the girl's dad goes ballistic, calls the first wife's parents up (they were friends) and tells them whats going on. long story short, he didn't get to marry the prospective wife and the first wife got a divorce from him. this was a number of years ago. now both girls are happily married with families of their own. the guy ended up moving out of the community and never remarried. i recently saw him at a fund raiser. he looked old and alone. i never understood why he did what he did, but it backfired.
Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife
No.Its a personal choice.If she is ok with it,then she doesn't hv to opt for khula. Just like every man doesn't opt for multiple wives , it being their personal choice.
Exactly. How they develop this personal choice to continue with the marriage while living in same society where other have personal choice of opting for khula?
Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife
questions like these confuse me.
marriage, khula, divorce are all very very personal choices. Another woman’s choice (esp a random stranger) in either direction isn’t going to impact my situation, emotions, expectations, preferences, choices or decisions.
So just because some women find polygamy acceptable/tolerable/desirable option … doesn’t mean I do … and vice-versa.
Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife
Isn't it generalisation that after a man marries second lady, he treats first wife like a garbage? There are instances in history as well as in our own observation when this is not true.
Me mentioning "being treated like garbage" had nothing to do with polygamy. I was referring to women who stay in marriages where they're being treated in a way which I would NEVER allow myself to be treated......there are plenty of examples on this forum alone. Point being other women put up with things in their marriages that I would never put up. I don't understand why they make those choices.....but at the end, I don't judge them negatively b/c it doesn't effect my life.
Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife
Me mentioning "being treated like garbage" had nothing to do with polygamy. I was referring to women who stay in marriages where they're being treated in a way which I would NEVER allow myself to be treated......there are plenty of examples on this forum alone. Point being other women put up with things in their marriages that I would never put up. I don't understand why they make those choices.....but at the end, I don't judge them negatively b/c it doesn't effect my life.
ok, in the flow of discussion, I got the impression that marrying second lady means treating first one like garbage.. ghar ke kisi konay main rakh ke bhool jane wale samaan
Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife
I raised the question, as after going through all the comments in this thread I realised that ladies who opt for continuing marriage under the situation mentioned by OP were alien to this planet.
Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife
I think of them as very patient women…I don’t have that kind of patience.
No, its not a generalization at all. Its true for most of the situations and 100% true for all of the situations I’ve seen first hand.
Man is not perfect…he was born imperfect. It takes a lot to be a good husband to two different women and their children. The idea of “being just and fair” to both sounds nice when spoken and written but its a lot harder to do in real life.
I don’t think its fair to expect a woman to just be okay a second woman in her husband’s life. She is a human being with feelings, emotions, preferences, goals and ambitions of her own. She wasn’t born attached to a man. She is a separate person entitled to her choices in life. Making those choices doesn’t make her a bad person.
Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife
Depends on why..
If they want to but can’t do khula because of poverty, the social stigma of being a divorcee etc I’d obviously feel sorry for them..
If they don’t want khula and are genuinely happy then fair enough I’d think good for them..
Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife
I think of them as very patient women...I don't have that kind of patience.
No, its not a generalization at all. Its true for most of the situations and 100% true for all of the situations I've seen first hand.
Man is not perfect...he was born imperfect. It takes a lot to be a good husband to two different women and their children. The idea of "being just and fair" to both sounds nice when spoken and written but its a lot harder to do in real life.
I don't think its fair to expect a woman to just be okay a second woman in her husband's life. She is a human being with feelings, emotions, preferences, goals and ambitions of her own. She wasn't born attached to a man. She is a separate person entitled to her choices in life. Making those choices doesn't make her a bad person.
I didn't say that a woman who opt for khula just because of her husband married another lady is bad by any chance, but I don't agree to the point that first wife faces abusing situation after her husband marries to another woman in 100% cases. The situation varies from society to society, culture to culture. A husband may be abusive and mistreat the only wife and a person can be caring after getting marries to second lady.
Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife
Exactly. How they develop this personal choice to continue with the marriage while living in same society where other have personal choice of opting for khula?
It seems like you're insinuating those women are somehow 'better' than those who opt for khula..
Just as the man has the option to take another wife she also has the option not to be part of that arrangement.. Maybe the ones who stay are scared of being 'alone', maybe they still love their husbands and don't want to leave.. At the end of the day it doesn't make them 'better' women or 'better' Muslims..
Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife
I didn't say that a woman who opt for khula just because of her husband married another lady is bad by any chance, but I don't agree to the point that first wife faces abusing situation after her husband marries to another woman in 100% cases. The situation varies from society to society, culture to culture. A husband may be abusive and mistreat the only wife and a person can be caring after getting marries to second lady.
100% of the marriages I have seen where a second wife was introduced into the mix have gone very badly. Children resent their father, first wives are openly resentful and the man ends up with diabetes and a bald spot. :(
The only way I see a man becoming caring towards his first wife after second marriage is if the second wife was a disappointment. If so, he is now resenting his second wife and may start to neglect her. How is he fair with both?
The "may" and "coulda, woulda, shoulda" are always out there and its never a good idea to focus on them.
Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife
It seems like you're insinuating those women are somehow 'better' than those who opt for khula..
Just as the man has the option to take another wife she also has the option not to be part of that arrangement.. Maybe the ones who stay are scared of being 'alone', maybe they still love their husbands and don't want to leave.. At the end of the day it doesn't make them 'better' women or 'better' Muslims..
Not at all. I just want to understand psyche behind the most prevailing thought in this thread (khula in such circumstances). I don't believe in either Shokat Thanvi's role model woman in Behshati Zewar or Umera Ahmed's compromising heroine.
Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife
100% of the marriages I have seen where a second wife was introduced into the mix have gone very badly. Children resent their father, first wives are openly resentful and the man ends up with diabetes and a bald spot. :(
The only way I see a man becoming caring towards his first wife after second marriage is if the second wife was a disappointment. If so, he is now resenting his second wife and may start to neglect her. How is he fair with both?
The "may" and "coulda, woulda, shoulda" are always out there and its never a good idea to focus on them.
Its about each ones observation. My observation was not in accordance what you wrote, especially in cases like where first wife didn't have babies. Though I have also seen cases where first wife from rural area denied to live with husband (who was on duty in urban area) and that lead the man marrying a woman in city, but children from both the marriages were not treated with any discrimination.
My point is that outcome of second marriage is not always the same.
Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife
A distant family member’s husband got a second wife and the only reason she didn’t get a divorcee was so the marriage wouldn’t become legal in the UK otherwise both husband and wife have nothing to do with each other. Husband now lives with the second wife and kids
Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife
Its about each ones observation. My observation was not in accordance what you wrote, especially in cases like where first wife didn't have babies. Though I have also seen cases where first wife from rural area denied to live with husband (who was on duty in urban area) and that lead the man marrying a woman in city, but children from both the marriages were not treated with any discrimination.
My point is that outcome of second marriage is not always the same.
No, the outcome is not always the same. But to be so optimistic about second marriages would be IMHO very naive.
Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife
Hubby's friend's dad has a second wife. Hubby's friend is always complaining to us about how his dad was never there for him when growing up. Now, he earns and supports his mother and two siblings. His dad primarily stays with his second wife and he resents his father for breaking up their family.
I honestly cannot imagine another woman with my husband though.