To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: To those women who would want a divorce just because their husband takes another

No its not wrong at all.

Marrying four times is a right a man has in Islam. This right was given to him by Allah swt.

That same Allah swt gives me the choice to stay or leave if I wish.

There's no ahadees that says a woman MUST accept. If she does, she is a great person. But if she doesn't, she's not less of a person.

Often times, men who wave the four wives flag are not married themselves and have no idea what it means to even balance ONE marriage - let alone four. Often times, they also forget that with power comes great responsibility. In addition, they also forget how naturally territorial females tend to be.

So sure...you can marry four times and never tell the others when doing so. But eventually, you will have to tell them they have competition. You will also have to provide separate living quarters. Divide your time. Divide your assets. Divide your energies (or whatever is left of them). Divide your attention to marital issues. Hear them out as they take out their frustrations on you.

Now, when men give examples of our beloved Prophet (SAW)...they think His example has given men the freedom to do as they please. This is a form of exploitation and - wrong. They tend to forget how wonderful of a human being He was and how loved He was by Allah swt. A man who could not crush an ant...could definitely instill enough love in His wives' hearts where they willingly accepted another woman. They trusted Him, His judgment, His decisions because He was a beautiful person and treated them well. Every action was an act of pleasing Allah swt. Every move He made was an example for Muslims to follow. What woman can a woman say no to a man like that?

So men...instead of just focusing on ONE of his examples and trying to make it your power over a woman...apne aap ko is qaabil kyun nahin banatey ke apki bivi apse inkaar hi na kar paye? Do not exploit your faith and think EVEN FOR A SECOND that you've made yourselves comparable to our Propeht (SAW).

Do as you wish, marry who and how many times you want. But please...stop using our Prophet (SAW) as a way to get out of focusing on the teachings of Islam. Religion of peace, remember people? I don't think the religion of peace will give a man the right to destroy his current marriage so he can chase skirts. I don't think they say "maa ke pairon ke neechay jannat hoti hai" so a man can treat her as if she doesn't exist anymore in the form of a wife.

The religion does not vary. But the followers do.

May Allah swt bless you.

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Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife

I was searching the net on the topic and found this.

Official Hanbali Position: Monogamy is Better - Page 3

Quoted from page 1337 of Al-Insaf (Al-Mardawi). This is a standard Hanbali Fiqh reference.

And it is also liked that he (the person choosing a spouse) does not increase upon one woman if he attains from her الإعفاف (chastement, abstinence i.e. if marrying one woman keeps him chaste and allows him to avoid sins then he should not marry more than one) according to the most correct opinion in the Madhab.

And this has been decided upon in the Madhab, and in the books Masbuuk Al-zahb, Al-khulasah, Ar-ray’yatain, Al-hawaay Al-saqeer, and others.

And he said in Al-Hadaayah, and Al-Mustuu’ab, Al-Idraakul Ghayah, and Al-Faaiq: “The best is that he does not increase above marrying one woman.”

And Nazim said: “And (marrying) one woman is nearer (or nearest) to justice.”

And he said in Tajreed Al-'anaayah: “This is the most widespread (opinion).”

And Ibn Khateeb Al-Salaamiyah said “The majority of the companions prefer (or recommend) that he does not increase above one woman (i.e marrying one woman)” and Ibn Al-Juuzi said: “Except if one woman does not allow him to remain chaste.” The end

And it has been said: “That which is recommended is (marrying) two woman.”

Likewise if she does not keep him chaste. And it is the Zahir (apparent, literal) meaning of the speech of Imam Ahmed, may God have mercy on him, for he said: “He should get a loan and get married. How I wish if he marries two women he will be set free (liberated).” And it is the Zahir (literal, apparent) meaning of the speech of Ibn Aqeel in his Mufradaat

Ibn Razain said in Al-Nahaayah: "It is recommended that he increase above one woman.
…
Imam Ahmad Ibn Naqid al Misri said, “It is unlawful for a free man to marry more than four women. It is fitter to confine oneself to just one.” (Umdatu Salik -reliance of the traveler)

This is a relied upon text of Shafi fiqh, taught in Sham and Yeman. And it is a high level fiqh book.

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Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife

So according to many ulema, monogamy is better than polygamy.

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Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife

I also found this.

Official Hanbali Position: Monogamy is Better - Page 2

According to the Hanafis and Malikis the first wife can make a condition that all her husband’s future wives will be divorced and that all his slave-girls will be freed. So as soon as the husband is married to the second woman, the second wife gets divorced (Note: Not the first wife). And as soon as he takes a slave-girl, the slave-girl is freed.

See: Islam Question and Answer - She stipulated the condition that if he married a second wife, that second wife would be divorced

“…and it is binding on him according to the madhhab of Abu Haneefah, so that when he gets married the divorce takes place, and when he takes a concubine she becomes free. This is also the view of Maalik…”

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Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife

And there’s another interesting thing I found.

Polygamy - Does he need permission?

The background rule is that he does not need permission of the first wife. However under Hanbali law the first wife may stipulate a condition in the marriage contract that he must not marry anyone besides her.

The condition is also present automatically in the marriage contract if monogamy is the custom of the first wife’s family, even if the first wife doesn’t write it down or state it as a condition in the contract.

Because in Islamic Contract Law, there is a principle that states “What is known by custom is the same as what is explicitly stated as a condition.”

The customarily stipulated condition is like the verbally ‎stipulated condition, i.e. it doesn’t have to be stated.‎ (5/98 of Zad al-Ma’ad)

General contracts – including marriage contracts – should be governed by the customs that are known among the people… ~ Islam Question and Answer - The wife serving her husband

واٍلی هذا ذهب الامام أحمد ورجحه این تیمیة واین القیم وذهبوا کذ لک إٍلی أن الشرط عٍکن أن یکون لفظیا، وفی بعض الأحوال عٍکن أٌن یکون عرفیأ ، أٍذا جاءت الفتاهٔ من أّسرة یٌعرف عنها أٌنها لاتقبل أٌن یتزومج أٌن علیها زوجها
انتی کلام

This is the opinion of Imam Ahmed, founder of the Hanbali school and is further preferred by Ibn Taymiyyah and Ibn-Al-Qayyim. They also allowed the condition to be verbal (not necessarily written) or if it is the norm (urf) for the girl’s family, i.e. if the girl’s family is known to oppose having another wife next to their daughter. (Fiqh Al Sunnah, Volume 6, Page 231-232)

فَيُؤْخَذُ مِنْ هَذَا أَنَّ الْمَشْرُوطَ عُرْفًا كَالْمَشْرُوطِ لَفْظًا، وَأَنَّ عَدَمَهُ يُمَلِّكُ الْفَسْخَ لِمُشْتَرِطِهِ، فَلَوْ فُرِضَ مِنْ عَادَةِ قَوْمٍ أَنَّهُمْ لَا يُخْرِجُونَ نِسَاءَهُمْ مِنْ دِيَارِهِمْ وَلَا يُمَكِّنُونَ أَزْوَاجَهُمْ مِنْ ذَلِكَ الْبَتَّةَ وَاسْتَمَرَّتْ عَادَتُهُمْ بِذَلِكَ كَانَ كَالْمَشْرُوطِ لَفْظًا، وَهُوَ مُطَّرِدٌ عَلَى قَوَاعِدِ أَهْلِ الْمَدِينَةِ، وَقَوَاعِدِ أحمد رَحِمَهُ اللَّهُ أَنَّ الشَّرْطَ الْعُرْفِيَّ كَاللَّفْظِيِّ سَوَاءٌ، وَلِهَذَا أَوْجَبُوا الْأُجْرَةَ عَلَى مَنْ دَفَعَ ثَوْبَهُ إِلَى غَسَّالٍ أَوْ قَصَّارٍ، أَوْ عَجِينَهُ إِلَى خَبَّازٍ، أَوْ طَعَامَهُ إِلَى طَبَّاخٍ يَعْمَلُونَ بِالْأُجْرَةِ، أَوْ دَخَلَ الْحَمَّامَ أَوِ اسْتَخْدَمَ مَنْ يَغْسِلُهُ مِمَّنْ عَادَتُهُ يَغْسِلُ بِالْأُجْرَةِ وَنَحْوَ ذَلِكَ، وَلَمْ يَشْرُطْ لَهُمْ أُجْرَةَ أَنَّهُ يَلْزَمُهُ أُجْرَةُ الْمِثْلِ. وَعَلَى هَذَا، فَلَوْ فُرِضَ أَنَّ الْمَرْأَةَ مِنْ بَيْتٍ لَا يَتَزَوَّجُ الرَّجُلُ عَلَى نِسَائِهِمْ ضَرَّةً وَلَا يُمَكِّنُونَهُ مِنْ ذَلِكَ، وَعَادَتُهُمْ مُسْتَمِرَّةٌ بِذَلِكَ، كَانَ كَالْمَشْرُوطِ لَفْظًا.
وَكَذَلِكَ لَوْ كَانَتْ مِمَّنْ يَعْلَمُ أَنَّهَا لَا تُمَكِّنُ إِدْخَالَ الضَّرَّةِ عَلَيْهَا عَادَةً لِشَرَفِهَا وَحَسَبِهَا وَجَلَالَتِهَا، كَانَ تَرْكُ التَّزَوُّجِ عَلَيْهَا كَالْمَشْرُوطِ لَفْظًا سَوَاءٌ.

“And it is taken from this (i.e understood) that, that which is conditioned according to custom is like that which is conditioned according to words…And the rules of Imam Ahmed that the customary condition is the same as the wordy condition (one which has been stipulated by words) …And based on this if it is assumed that the woman of a house or it is assumed that a woman is from a house where the man does not marry another woman other than this woman and they have not given him the ability to do so and their habit continues in this respect, then it is like that which is stipulated as a condition. And likewise if she is one upon whom it is not possible for another woman to enter according to the rules of custom due to her high rank and high regard and her loftiness, then the leaving of the marrying over her (i.e marrying another woman) is like that which has been stipulated according to words.” (Zad al Ma’ad)

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Exactly my concern. They should be using the quotes from the latest issue of sports illustrated.

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Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife

The Prophet (pbuh) married each and every one of his wives to set an example - e.g. Hadhrat Zainab, to show that your adopted son's ex-wives are permissible. Hadhrat Khadeja - to show widowers are not outcasts. He (saw) didn't marry as and when he pleased.

Also I agree with the people quoting the Sura Nisa verse that the permission to take a second wife applies only under specific circumstances e.g. war/orphans.

You can't just say "We have to accept Islam has given this right to men" and follow it blindly. Look at the practice of the Prophet (saw), turn to the guidance of the Quran. If men were allowed to take up to four wives in any circumstance, then wouldn't there be an imbalance of single men with no wives in the world?

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Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife

Girls, men are allowed to have more than one marriage,

Get over it.

If a girl doesn't wants her husband to take up another wife during her life, she can mention a clause at the time of marriage.

Otherwise

My understanding is a girl cannot take Khula just beause his husband has lawfully taken up another wife.

Cause unlike divorce , khula must be given by a Judge.

:)

I would only want a single wife.

But If i can afford , for second marriage i would want to marry a widow to help her .

And some women don't have problem with this.

Polygamy is for women who can share and for men who can do justice.

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Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife

I think this discussion shouldn't even be taking place. Since for a man to marry a 2nd, 3rd, 4th wife.. He needs permission from all previous wives. If he doesn't get the required permit, then he can't even marry another wife. Simple!!
So if a man marries another wife, then he must have gotten the permission first. If he goes ahead without it, and the other wife (wives) find out later, then they should have all the right for Khula (Talaq).

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To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife

^ Agreed. Some people love to take things so out of context for their own convenience and benefit. This is what is so wrong with our people.

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Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife

it doesnt make sense at all socially to stay with a man who has married another woman too.this decree was given,as much as i remember,to perhaps help women in desperate situations,widows,financially unstable,support-less women,thats what Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) did,
it was not a right (sp?) given to men that hey if you get bored by your first wife you can always have three more.apart from that its intensely impossible for a person to love 4 women equally. so no way can a woman live with a man who has another wife,women should leave in a second.

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Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife

The man has the right to do it but the wife has the right to walk away..

She has rights to be fulfilled as well (physical, emotional etc).. Don't know how people are still saying a wife can't divorce in this situation if she wants to.. It's not rocket science..

In the early days of Islam divorce was pretty common because there wasn't stigma attached to it (inc for women and they could also get khula fairly easily).. It wasn't difficult at all for divorced people to remarry.. Sometimes I wonder if that's part of the reason Arabs now are less bothered by it than we generally are (and yeah, I know it's the most hated of all the halal things before someone brings it up)..

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Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife

The irony is that women object to polygyny because of cultural influences, be they Hindu, or Christian. Islamically, you should have no objection to your husband marrying again.

While I'm not advocating polygyny, let's just call a spade a spade and not dance around religious arguments.

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Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife

Unlike us, Arabs are also not very bothered about polygyny.

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Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife

^Arab women put up with a lot less than us (for ex the vast majority will never tolerate moving in with inlaws) and they often write specific conditions of what they want and expect in their nikah contracts, even down to expenses and holidays (the idea of a proper 'contract' was practised in the time of the Prophet (PBUH) and divorce was easy when the contract was broken).. something a lot of our families would call a girl greedy or picky for doing..

Polygyny (polygamy refers to either gender having more than one partner of course) is much easier to tolerate if you know you're confident of your rights, you're in your own home and have the option of easy divorce and remarriage if you decide later it's not for you.. In our society most women who divorce won't find it as easy as that to remarry.. It's basically like it or lump it.. for the average Pakistani or Indian woman who has given up a lot of her independence and freedom to live with hubby's family, looking after his parents etc. I imagine it would be the ultimate slap in the face, well apart from an affair I guess..

The Islamic stance on this doesn't bother me that much personally (and I do believe the guy doesn't need permission or an actual 'reason') because if my husband took another wife I know I'd just walk away and remarry (and his loss for not loving me enough).. If I didn't have that option or I thought life would be much harder I would have more of an issue with it..

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Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife

Completely agree. From having lived in Dubai for a short period of time, I've noticed this as well. Interestingly, an Arab friend of mine pointed out that many of the things Pakistani women tolerate (living with their in-laws, having to give the groom's family loads of gold/presents, having to wait on your in-laws hand and foot etc.) stem from Hindu influence on the subcontinent as these are not common in the Middle East and aren't necessarily Islamic in basis.

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Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife

Oh Lord if I felt my husband would want to take on another wife, I would exercise my God given rights and divorce him. Its just not progressive, we have evolved, I feel some rules were meant for the times and made sense during those times. I would prefer men actually first learn to treat their wives as Islam states before racking up wives to feed their ego's!!!

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Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife

It seems as if we like to romanticize other cultures. Only focussing on the negative of own culture and mainly focussing on the positive sides of another culture.

Unlike arabs atleast we don't have the virginity cloth/proof culture, where the entire family of the bride and the groom comes to know whether the girl was a virgin or not.

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Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife

There's nothing in shariah prohibiting a woman from living with her in-laws and being good to them and serving them. In fact if is she does so she will be rewarded by Allah for her good behaviour to her in-laws.

However there is also nothing in the shariah prohibiting men from being ghar damaads. During the Sahabah's time it was very common for women to stipulate a condition in the marriage contract that her husband will live with her family and not move her from her house or town. There is a hadith about a man coming to Umar (ra) who had agreed to this condition at the time of marriage but later wanted to shift his wife away against her will. Umar (ra) took the woman's side and instructed the man to fulfill the condition.

Even one of the best of men to ever exist, the prophet Musa (as) was a ghar damaad for some time and even took care of his FIL's cattle. However the very concept of ghar damaad is a taboo in our hinduized culture today and such men and households would be made fun of.

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Re: To women who would want a divorce just because husband takes another wife

I'm not romanticising any culture. I'm merely commenting on what I observed while living in the middle east and pointing out a difference between cultures. I realise that all cultures have both positive and negative aspects. Observing differences in other cultures and comparing/contrasting them with one's own culture (although not my own in this case) doesn't mean one thinks negatively of one's own culture. Similarly, it is possible to think positively of one's culture, while still recognizing (somewhat negative) aspects where there is room for improvment.