Re: Things that Husband SHOULD NOT EXPECT
They've been married for 9 years and he just started traveling 1.5 years ago. He travels 4 days a week and is home from Thursday through Sunday. I think they've had enough time to adjust.
Great!
Re: Things that Husband SHOULD NOT EXPECT
I dont understand, why is a woman cooking doing him a favour?
Im sorry, how the hell are we meant to have successful marriages, that last, if we think we are doing each other a favour all the time....so him providing for me and my child, is he doing me a ehsaan? or is that his duty, ? funnily enough men are TOLD what their duties are, and mostly comply by them....us women when we get TOLD our duties, we tend to flip out and read the riot act...
we are such a confused bunch, what are WE? what are we following? islam? culture? westerners? kya?feminism is shot down our throats so much that its almost a crime to walk past a kitchen, are we one step away from divorcing hubbs and endorsing lesbiansim..
either way- id rahter cook a meal thatl take me 45mins, then slave away in an office, knowing i have to pay the bills......( of course id work too, but im talking in context)
Re: Things that Husband SHOULD NOT EXPECT
REHA- you said he works and when he comes home, she can do whatever she wants, ok thats nice but how is that FAIR on him? why are we applauding this....so i go work hard all week, plus travelling, i come home to atleast have my wife/hub be there spend time with them, rest for abit, and instead i get shoved 3 kids to me and wife/hubs has ***** off and returns at midnight....im a housewife too at the moment, and i now life isnt as hectic as my work life was.....so whats the 3day break she gets for?
JUST MY opinion....shoot me later.
Re: Things that Husband SHOULD NOT EXPECT
REHA- you said he works and when he comes home, she can do whatever she wants, ok thats nice but how is that FAIR on him? why are we applauding this....so i go work hard all week, plus travelling, i come home to atleast have my wife/hub be there spend time with them, rest for abit, and instead i get shoved 3 kids to me and wife/hubs has ***** off and returns at midnight....im a housewife too at the moment, and i now life isnt as hectic as my work life was.....so whats the 3day break she gets for?
JUST MY opinion....shoot me later.
tishyaaaaooooon
Re: Things that Husband SHOULD NOT EXPECT
REHA- you said he works and when he comes home, she can do whatever she wants, ok thats nice but how is that FAIR on him? why are we applauding this....so i go work hard all week, plus travelling, i come home to atleast have my wife/hub be there spend time with them, rest for abit, and instead i get shoved 3 kids to me and wife/hubs has ***** off and returns at midnight....im a housewife too at the moment, and i now life isnt as hectic as my work life was.....so whats the 3day break she gets for?
JUST MY opinion....shoot me later.
Like I said Nadz...its not about tera-mera. They help each other. So no, I havent heard her husband getting bitter because he has HIS three kids shoved down his throat. Because he doesnt look at it that way. He is obsessed with his children and loves spending time with them. She does not leave them with him and run off. He thinks of them as his break from work and actually is really involved with them. Its about perspective...if you consider your children punishment that you're inflicting on each other...well...thats you. But it doesnt work that way for others...thank God.
And WHY would ANYONE applaud what you wrote? Why is it wrong for him to spend time with kids he helped create? Why is it all of a sudden taboo in your world to have a man do things with his children. He is apart from them 4 days a week. The least he can do is help them with their homework and spend time with them when he comes home. While he is with them, if she takes some time to be with her friends, whats wrong with that? Seriously? You want a woman to go mental after being home with 3 kids alone 4 days a week and not have time to do something for herself? Who said marriage and having kids was about figuring out how to torture the spouse? She hangs out with us once every few weeks and he understands why. At least they're a good example of how two people actively try to help each other live life pleasantly. Mashallah.
Have some grace. No, I dont wanna shoot you. I just feel a bit sorry for you right now.
Re: Things that Husband SHOULD NOT EXPECT
funnily enough men are TOLD what their duties are, and mostly comply by them....us women when we get TOLD our duties, we tend to flip out and read the riot act...
hahaha! This! That's how things are these days.
Re: Things that Husband SHOULD NOT EXPECT
Like I said Nadz...its not about tera-mera. They help each other. So no, I havent heard her husband getting bitter because he has HIS three kids shoved down his throat. Because he doesnt look at it that way. He is obsessed with his children and loves spending time with them. She does not leave them with him and run off. He thinks of them as his break from work and actually is really involved with them. Its about perspective...if you consider your children punishment that you're inflicting on each other...well...thats you. But it doesnt work that way for others...thank God.
And WHY would ANYONE applaud what you wrote? Why is it wrong for him to spend time with kids he helped create? Why is it all of a sudden taboo in your world to have a man do things with his children. He is apart from them 4 days a week. The least he can do is help them with their homework and spend time with them when he comes home. While he is with them, if she takes some time to be with her friends, whats wrong with that? Seriously? You want a woman to go mental after being home with 3 kids alone 4 days a week and not have time to do something for herself? Who said marriage and having kids was about figuring out how to torture the spouse? She hangs out with us once every few weeks and he understands why. At least they're a good example of how two people actively try to help each other live life pleasantly. Mashallah.
Have some grace. No, I dont wanna shoot you. I just feel a bit sorry for you right now.
Not trying to nit pick here Reha, but I thought the same thing when I read your first post.
I am sure this husband is great, and to the absolute delight of the all the womenfolk here, has given up on the mera part, and is just about tera. Kudos to him. (BTW, that is ALL women ask of us men. Nothing more :))
But seriously, whatever the circumstances, no matter how much he loves the kids, or the hardship she faces when she is alone, when does he get time to spend with his friends or just relax?
Re: Things that Husband SHOULD NOT EXPECT
funnily enough men are TOLD what their duties are, and mostly comply by them....us women when we get TOLD our duties, we tend to flip out and read the riot act...
QFFT
Re: Things that Husband SHOULD NOT EXPECT
didn’t u say that there should be no issue of expectations? i guess all the bold above is what a woman could expect from husband…and so there can also be list of things NOT TO BE EXPECTED by the husband too…
Re: Things that Husband SHOULD NOT EXPECT
Like I said…there is nothing wrong with helping each other out.
When he flies back home Thursday night, do you think she leaves the house as soon as he lands and returns home when he has to leave for work Monday morning? Think about that. They both do their part but the emphasis is on doing what you can to help each other. Im sure most men will look at him and think he is making them look bad but what is wrong with being there for your wife? Is it making you less of a man? What is wrong with giving her a break every so often and appreciating what she does as a mother? About your point in reference to his time alone and away…she actually just hosted Super Bowl parties for him and his friends, cooked up a storm for them and does it every year…not to mention every now and then when he wants to just hang out…its not an issue. Ive babysat her kids many times just so they can have their couples’ night out. Why not? Its not all about her but if she gets appreciated and they have a healthy marriage, that is also an issue for guys? Im sure you’re thinking of him as a joru ka ghulam but let me tell you one thing I admire most about this family:
Their children are the most well-behaved, well-adjusted and happy kids Ive ever met Mashallah. They get good grades in school and Ive yet to see her son get bratty or throw unreasonable tantrums or fits. I joke around and tell her all the time that Im going to give her mine to raise because I do not know how the heck she does it. Im not saying others’ kids arent great…but Mashallah…they’ve nailed it. If you ask her, she says its not a secret…they’re just nice to each other.
Can you believe it? Her answer is that she is simply nice to him and he is to her. Thats it.
If she gets a manicure pedicure with her friends, do you think he gets all prissy and says “omg, like you went and did that with your buddies…i wanna do it too”. Do you think thats what makes them happy? The unnecessary egos and selfishness is not what does it. As a wife, if my husband did those things for me…I would do it back for him and even more to show him I appreciate it.
Nomi dear, get married and then we shall see how well your lists work. 
Re: Things that Husband SHOULD NOT EXPECT
Nomi dear, get married and then we shall see how well your lists work.
you downright cursing me here......nevermind.
Re: Things that Husband SHOULD NOT EXPECT
^ Allah apki shaadi jald se jald kara dein…ameen summa ameen!
Re: Things that Husband SHOULD NOT EXPECT
Like I said...there is nothing wrong with helping each other out.
Reha, issue is not what this couple does or whether helping with the kids reduces a man to a lesser being. The issue is the unrealistic media-fed expectations that women have of marriage & men these days; and the rejoicing & pats on the back, whenever a man conforming to these new ideals is located. And just for reference purposes: I am talking about decent God-fearing men here, who are good spouses and don't treat their wives badly at all.
Do you remember that blindfolded Keanu Reeves scene from Sweet November? Lunging forward like a helpless blind man, that can't make out the way ahead but keeps staring into the deep, bitten by the incurable love bug and being led on by a woman? I think that is how women like their men these days. This is just an analogy, may be drawn out a bit much but one that I hope it conveys my point. Wish I could find a picture.
Re: Things that Husband SHOULD NOT EXPECT
Reha, issue is not what this couple does or whether helping with the kids reduces a man to a lesser being. The issue is the unrealistic media-fed expectations that women have of marriage & men these days; and the rejoicing & pats on the back, whenever a man conforming to these new ideals is located. And just for reference purposes: I am talking about decent God-fearing men here, who are good spouses and don't treat their wives badly at all
What new ideals? Helping a woman raise THEIR child is a new ideal now? How? You tell me when and where these ideals became new because Im lost now. Since when did spending quality time with your spouse become a new fad? Or being involved in their kids' lives? Or taking your wife out for a date? This is all new?
A man who is good to his family IS afraid of God. You know why? Because the first responsibility he has as a man is his family.
Him spending time with his kids is an unrealistic expectation? If I am looking for an absent father, Ill go to a sperm bank. You need to clarify what part of the examples that I gave is unrealistic and new because I honestly do not see it. Because if the expectations in their marriage are unrealistic...then men need to stop opening their mouths period in the rishta process and take whoever it is they get.
What kind of world are we living in now? Men are now afraid of being men? Why?
Re: Things that Husband SHOULD NOT EXPECT
^ Wow. Why are you so aggressive? I don't know where I said that raising child is an ideal or spending time with your spouse is an ideal. I am amazed at the sheer volume of words & claims that you have put into my mouth here. Seriously.
Re: Things that Husband SHOULD NOT EXPECT
............funnily enough men are TOLD what their duties are, and mostly comply by them....us women when we get TOLD our duties, we tend to flip out and...
start a thread on GS?
Re: Things that Husband SHOULD NOT EXPECT
Reha, issue is not what this couple does or whether helping with the kids reduces a man to a lesser being. The issue is the unrealistic media-fed expectations that women have of marriage & men these days; and the rejoicing & pats on the back, whenever a man conforming to these new ideals is located. And just for reference purposes: I am talking about decent God-fearing men here, who are good spouses and don't treat their wives badly at all.
^ Wow. Why are you so aggressive? I don't know where I said that raising child is an ideal or spending time with your spouse is an ideal. I am amazed at the sheer volume of words & claims that you have put into my mouth here. Seriously.
Im not trying to be aggressive. Im looking for clarification as to what new ideals you're talking about. What exactly is the unreasonable expectation here? If you speak of God fearing men, then we all know what Allah swt has mandated for both man and woman when it comes to their families. The priority has always been your family. Im not sure what I have referenced that can be considered "new" or non-conventional.
Re: Things that Husband SHOULD NOT EXPECT
and if same is told about a woman…that her family is he first responsibility then all hell breaks loose here..
Re: Things that Husband SHOULD NOT EXPECT
[Quote]
**Originally quoted by Reha: **Im not trying to be aggressive. Im looking for clarification as to what new ideals you're talking about. What exactly is the unreasonable expectation here? If you speak of God fearing men, then we all know what Allah swt has mandated for both man and woman when it comes to their families. The priority has always been your family. Im not sure what I have referenced that can be considered "new" or non-conventional.
[/Quote]
Taking care of kids, spending time together or alone etc. are all minor issues & adjustments, that are best understood and handled by each couple in their own way. These are not the things to be discussed between you and me, and should certainly not be the points of contention. What I have gathered from women in real life and here at gup, is the expectation of total submission of the husband to the whims of the wife. To do exactly as she wishes. This is the only way for a man to be elevated to the highest levels of adulation & admiration. There is no margin of error, otherwise marriage simply cannot go on. Every little infraction can lead to divorce. We are told that everything women do for us is a favor, while man's responsibilities don't get the same status. He is expected to keep doing what he has been doing for millions of years and also take additional ones. That I think is unfair.
Re: Things that Husband SHOULD NOT EXPECT
Like I said...there is nothing wrong with helping each other out.
When he flies back home Thursday night, do you think she leaves the house as soon as he lands and returns home when he has to leave for work Monday morning? Think about that. They both do their part but the emphasis is on doing what you can to help each other. Im sure most men will look at him and think he is making them look bad but what is wrong with being there for your wife? Is it making you less of a man? What is wrong with giving her a break every so often and appreciating what she does as a mother? About your point in reference to his time alone and away...she actually just hosted Super Bowl parties for him and his friends, cooked up a storm for them and does it every year...not to mention every now and then when he wants to just hang out...its not an issue. Ive babysat her kids many times just so they can have their couples' night out. Why not? Its not all about her but if she gets appreciated and they have a healthy marriage, that is also an issue for guys? Im sure you're thinking of him as a joru ka ghulam but let me tell you one thing I admire most about this family:
Their children are the most well-behaved, well-adjusted and happy kids Ive ever met Mashallah. They get good grades in school and Ive yet to see her son get bratty or throw unreasonable tantrums or fits. I joke around and tell her all the time that Im going to give her mine to raise because I do not know how the heck she does it. Im not saying others' kids arent great...but Mashallah...they've nailed it. If you ask her, she says its not a secret...they're just nice to each other.
Can you believe it? Her answer is that she is simply nice to him and he is to her. Thats it.
If she gets a manicure pedicure with her friends, do you think he gets all prissy and says "omg, like you went and did that with your buddies...i wanna do it too". Do you think thats what makes them happy? The unnecessary egos and selfishness is not what does it. As a wife, if my husband did those things for me...I would do it back for him and even more to show him I appreciate it.
Nomi dear, get married and then we shall see how well your lists work. :)
May be she does things for her husband other women dont do. You never know who is gaining the most in a relationship.