The ones that are divorced....any regrets?

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: The ones that are divorced…any regrets?

Don’t be sorry :hugz:

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Re: The ones that are divorced....any regrets?

I'm divorced and don't regret it. Yes, many people don't like me. Especially because I was the one who left. He had many chances and never changed for the better. There really was no other option than divorce.

My children and I now have a better life, alhamdulilah. Yes, amongst our Pakistani and Indian people I mostly have no honour as a divorced female (if I was a male, nobody would care), but in my own home I have peace and happiness now.

To me life in my own home, my private life, is far more important than the fake izzat our hypocrite society gives us. I live in the Netherlands, I've endured rascism, discrimination because of wearing salwar kameez duputta and/or being Muslim, so both Dutch and our own desi communities here have given me their own share of mistreatment. I've learnt that more important than the fake hypocrite 'izzat' of these people really is how I live my personal life.

What's the use of staying in a horrible marriage just for society while having a terrible personal life because of that. No, thank you. I would do it all over again if I could choose. I would change a few things though, but the outcome would have been the same.

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Re: The ones that are divorced....any regrets?

I have a few regrets in life but divorce is not, and never will be one of them.

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Re: The ones that are divorced....any regrets?

I married my X with a lot of duas and never even thought we will break it off.
After marriage things changed so much. (bound to happen)
He started verbally abusing me on little things. His attitude became very very demeaning like he has no respect for women.
The worst was my in laws they were also with him on all this.
Our normal day was him coming from work and my MIL sitting giving him a good dose of twenty mins about what I did not do in the house.
Than he coming and bashing at me. Abusing me verbally and also moved his hand across my face twice.
It was a nightmare

I am a doctor, was not allowed to work. My MIL (who we were living with also a SIL and FIL) said "abhe shadi howe hai kya zarorat hai kaam ki"
My husband was not really man enough to stand up and tell his parents to let me work because the only reason was to get out of the house and
get some air. But, they thought i am neglecting my resposibility.

I left the house once after taking a lot of crap from his parents and him about how they were not given enough Ezzt on the shadi and
how I do not belong to a respectable family and he trying to hit me.
Off course, that was brought upon me as well.Keh muje ghar banana nae atta.
I still went back. and, ignored me so much..while i use to clean and cook for them(also fired the servant)

I stayed in that prison for two weeks(while my x went abroad ffor his meeting) Did not let me go to my parents.
He came and his mother again sat and fed him so much stuff. The cycle was repeated he comes and tells me i do not make effort. His parents are not happy with me. And, the reason he married me was so i could make his parents happy.
And, I told him i cook for them clean for them. greet them when they do not even repond what more izzat i can give them.
He said...well, If you can;t then this marriage can't work out. I was devastated beyond anytthing
I came to my parents.. they tried talking to them with a arbitrator in bw. They instead said we do not have a solution to this
and, send me 3 divorces at the same time!
Maybe, i regret if i had stayed at his house i would have made it work. But, at that time i was so broken that i needed some support from someone

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Re: The ones that are divorced....any regrets?

sonder, it seems like divorce was the better solution for this horrible situation. Horrible people like this mostly don't change into better ones. I saw that with my ex-husband and ex-inlaws. You deserve better, if you want to remarry, insha Allah you'll find a better family.

"Keh muje ghar banana nae atta."- Yes, the female is most often blamed, even though she is doing everything and ever more and actually the people she married into are the horrible ones, yet still society most often blames the female.

All the wrong pressure is on females; having to have sons (while it's the seed of males which determines wether it's a boy or a girl and in the end it's Allah who decides if we get a girl or a boy), having to have loads of blood during the wedding night even though science even tells us that this differs with every female, having to have all kinds of degrees yet always staying inside, knowing the route to every place yet never leaving home, having to have degrees yet knowing cooking every dish and sewing every type of clothing, etc. etc. Having to put up with physically and mentally abusing husbands and inlaws yet not complaining and being 'grateful' for having that horrible marriage.

It's shocking how many females go through these horrible ordeals, once worse than the other, for centuries even and yet most of them won't stop this from happening to their own daughters. I'm not letting my daughter go through all that, insha Allah. Nor is my future daughter-in-law going through all these troubles.

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Re: The ones that are divorced....any regrets?

Sahdia-I wish your daughter the best. We just need to teach them to be independent and stand up for themselves in case of abuse and neglect.
In my case scenario, I know everyone tells me abusive men and in laws never change.
But, its very hard to let go when you have planned all your life based on one decision.
After this I was left no where. My career , family, and lets not even think about dreams and ambitions.
Divorce is huge. Dealing with it is a pain. Even still things come back to my head and haunt me all the time.
And, I keep thinking if I had stayed I would not be this miserable.
My X made me feel all along the course that it was my fault that i did not make it work by staying ther because thats what his mom did. She made it work.
I do want to marry again..And,have children. But, Now all i will be getting is divorced men. And, not to say i am bias but its very difficult to trust them
And, I can't even imagine going through all this again.

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Re: The ones that are divorced....any regrets?

Yes, it is difficult to trust males again after an experience like that, let alone marrying one again. That's difficult for me too which is why I have decided to never marry again, I cherish my peace and freedom too much to risk it again after that horrible experience and it's aftermath. So I do understand your feelings.

I hope you will heal and find your path in life, insha Allah. May all the wronged people find peace and happiness again, insha Allah.

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Re: The ones that are divorced....any regrets?

Sahdia77 do you have children?? Like you I also don't particularly wish to marry again, but have to as I desperately want children. I know I have the option to adopt but I will need to convince my parents that there is literally no one out there that will keep me happy. I am gna continue to look for potential rishta's for maybe another year but then I will give up and just adopt. I am 34 already, I dnt want to leave having kids for too long. What do your parents or family think of your decision to never marry again?? If you dnt mind me asking.

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Re: The ones that are divorced....any regrets?

Never marrying again is not a bad thing. I don't think everyone has to marry or marry when others dictate for that matter. We're not in the 1920's ke shaadi kiye baghair apka guzara ho hi nahin sakta.

Adoption is amazing. I know families who have adopted but you'd never know and that's because the route to parenthood is not only the conventional one...meaning pregnancy and childbirth. People adopt and have kids because Allah chose that method for them to be blessed with their kids. I have a feeling I will adopt one day...not because of my divorce of lack of husband. But because I have felt this way since I was about 14 years old.

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Re: The ones that are divorced....any regrets?

I have a 16 year old and a 14 year old and like the idea of adoption.

When my own children grow up and leave home, I might adopt a child if possible. Or else become a mother who takes in children for a few days or weeks who come from families in trouble and need a place to come to peace again. I'm not sure what I will opt for.

Children who need to be adopted need families and love too. I agree it's amazing and perhaps in our culture underrated. We have so much emphasis on females having to give birth as soon as possible after marriage and then everyone really wants you to have a son. I wonder if that is the reason desi people often look at adoption with less favourable eyes.

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Re: The ones that are divorced....any regrets?

It's much better now. Without that panicked feeling and being scared of him, life just seems so calm and normal. I'm not caged and controlled by someone cruel anymore. I'm thankful I have a child, that was the one positive that came out of all this. I don't see myself getting married again. No one wants to marry a desi girl that's divorced with a child.

I'll just see it as Allah had something bigger and better planned for me. Tiny part of me wishes I could feel those positives of marriage, the sex, having a life partner that we are compatible with but with all my bad luck in this area. I'll just keep making self improvements, help others that are helpless, and enjoy life to the fullest.

i just hate when they ask my relationship status. Am I single and if my child is with me, I need to avoid the where's her father question.

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Re: The ones that are divorced....any regrets?

Salaam2k14:I regret these things too. Sometimes I think I should have looked at those positives too. I do not have any kids. I wanted to have one as I was too lonely during my marriage but my X did not agree.
Sometimes I think it was a blessing and sometimes i feel it could have helped me with pain. I see people fighting over custody all the time.
there are nice guys out there who won't mind marrying a women with child. Keep your faith in Allah and something amazing will turn out for you.

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Re: The ones that are divorced....any regrets?

Why would you need to convince your parents? I've already flat out told my parents that as soon as everything is settled, I'm adopting. I have a child, but I never dreamed that I would only have one. And as far as potential rishtas go, why limit yourself to one specific pool? As long as said rishta is Muslim or willing to convert, what does it matter? You're already damaged in society's eyes. You might as well be happy and throw it back at them!

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Re: The ones that are divorced....any regrets?

Along with the abuse, Controlling nature, My ex was a closeted gay so some of those positives were non-existent. It's a sensitive topic but being a virgin b4 marriage, you hope you get those positives at least during marriage.if there was even one positive I would've stayed in.

I figured desi men were totally repulsed by sexual intercourse.

I won't hope to meet someone. So I'll leave it up to Allah. Thank you for you kind words.

You seem like you're having doubts. Would you want go back to that marriage again since you said there were positives?

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Re: The ones that are divorced....any regrets?

I was happy after I left that house, it was incredible and freeing, I was free to do basic things that other humans took for granted.

I was smiling again. I'm not living in limbo of being half dead anymore.

but after desi married and single men started seeing divorced women as vulnerable and prey that they can take advantage of, my good feelings curbed a bit and self esteem is going down after those experiences. One desi guy from work wanted to just meet up and talk but ended up trying to grope me and figured I would do anything with him bc I'm divorced. I felt so disgusting after that. I try to avoid the sleaze as much as possible now.

We aren't seen as someone a desi man would marry just to have fun with.

Married women distanced themselves from me.

Now that depression is slightly taking over me. That positive self esteem that I gained is degrading.

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Re: The ones that are divorced....any regrets?

He was abusive, controlling, overall his mother was the main force making every minute miserable in the house. And, he always sided with her.
Positives- companionship is positive in life. If you have one. So, yes I miss that.
And, weirdly enough I think everything was due to my not compromising more. Thats what he use to say.
So , it makes me doubt a lot.

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Re: The ones that are divorced....any regrets?

It's your call sonder. Do you think the abuse is something he sees as a problem in himself and would try to improve? Hopefully he doesn't just see you as the one that had flaws and is willing to change for the sake of the marriage. If he cared and loved you and was straight, the mother in law will eventually get older and then it will be just the two of you.

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Re: The ones that are divorced....any regrets?

I know how you feel. I've had some of your experiences too. Some of my Dutch friends think having your own home is normal and living in peace in it is normal too, well, for me it's special, I never had that before divorce. And raising my children in a better way than I was raised and much better than the life they would have had if I had made the mistake of staying in that terrible marriage is very special too. My children actually really gave me the strength to fight for my life so I can give them a better life.

And it's true, many males are disgusting. It's not just desi males who think they can do whatever they want when they discover you're divorced, certain Dutch males have weird ideas and behaviour too. Though our desi males are worst when they deal with divorced females. Just disgusting.

You deserve much better, salaam2K14. You don't want nasty hypocrite people who drop you the minute you are divorced. I felt lonely the first years. Suddenly being mistreated by everyone, suddenly being treated as if you're a criminal while you have done nothing wrong, divorcing a horrible husband is not a crime. One day I realised all these people are not worth it and I still have so many positive things in my life. Think about all the positive things you still have. You were in a horrible situation once and now you don't have to spend the rest of your life in that horror place anymore. Some females never get that chance, they have such horrible lives being abused until they die. At least we had the chance to get out of that horrible situation. We have peace and happiness now in our own homes, the place where we spend most of our lives in the end.

There are still a few people who do support divorced females and understand the situation. Those are the ones you need. Another important lesson I learnt was that one should be happy from ones own inner power, other people can be additions to your own happiness, but they shouldn't be the only reason for it. So now I'm even happy and strong when I'm not with other people. It takes time to achieve that, but it's worth it. Try to find your inner strength. Busy yourself with anything that interests you. Develop your skills, learn something new, visit interesting places. Live. There is so much more in life than marriage.

The prejudice of society should not succeed in destroying your entire life. You still have many years to live insha Allah and may those be spent better and better every year, ameen.

And nowadays more often you find new rishtay if you really want to remarry, or perhaps I only received new rishtay because I live in the Netherlands and someone wants to leave Pakistan, Allah knows. Anyway, for me a remarriage is not an option, I never want to give any male that kind of power over me again, the risk of another male abusing his power over me is not worth it for me. There are still ways though for divorced people to find each other if you're interested. Perhaps you could try a reliable online marriage site if being in a marriage is easier. I live in the Netherlands, so it's easier for me to live on my own and raise my children by myself, but I can imagine it's more difficult in Pakistan for example.

Why should only the female always compromise? I doubt that would have made a difference. In a marriage both the husband and the wife should give something up for each other. Our people most often make the wife give up everything and the husband nothing. And then, after the wife gives up everything, what does she receive? Abuse. Very difficult not to dislike men.

As much as males are to blame, certain kinds of mother in laws are horrible too. They just don't want their daughter in laws to be happy or they don't want to share their son (then why let him marry? keep him by all means) And a real man won't mistreat his wife just to make his mother happy. A real man doesn't abuse his wife in any way. Husbands should try to make the relationship between their mother and wife easier by trying to help them to get along and mother in laws who want their sons to mistreat their wives are perhaps the worst enemies of women. Remember, shaytaan is happiest when he breaks up a marriage, what does that say about mother in laws who create anger in their sons against their wives for no real reason at all?

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Re: The ones that are divorced....any regrets?

yes-his mother was super territorial. She had issues with everything. I never said anything to my X thinking MILs are bad and its not a big difference and kept quiet which back fired on me. When she had all the plot in her mind.
Apparently, she wasn't happy with the marriage to begin with- My x had control issues and would get abusive on small things.
i do not know if its normal that you regret leaving for think about working things out since it hasn't been a year yet.
Life is difficult-

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Re: The ones that are divorced....any regrets?

I am very sorry for you, sonder. Very often, even when a mother in law does want you for her son, she still is horrible afterwards.

Mine wanted me to do all the work, have only sons, as many as possible, she wanted her son to be married, but afterwards she always became angry if he spent some time with wife and children.

So your mother in law choosing you or not choosing you doesn't make much difference when you are with horrible people. Best is not to regret leaving them.

Sometimes I have problems, then I think how I felt during married life and how horrible that was, compared to that, no problem I have today is as horrible as those married years. I would never want to be abused in any way by any one again.