Re: The ones that are divorced....any regrets?
my marriage was one of desperation. Yes i'll say it. I just got so emotionally down from every potential ristha finding other better matches. My mother looked for someone compatible since I was in high school in the tiny state I grew up in the Northeast. Ones from our language and culture but most wanted to only marry so they would get a green card especially the ones from the old country that were having visa problems or had to go back after finishing their education abroad. The ones that were raised like me not in Pakistan but abroad weren't looking to settle down even if they were in their early 20s. I must have gone through atleast 20 rishtas because I got to that desperate or emotionally destroyed, rebound state of picking just anyone that I found a common language and culture with, compatibility, respect, common interests, mutual attraction went out the door when I just went from emotional attachment, to rejection, to rebound, to attachment, and the cycle went on until I married someone that was a total stranger with no compatibility. Eventually I just wanted to get married and have a child. I just wanted it to work out somehow. I rushed it because I I was looking since I was in high school and i couldn't find anybody that would care enough to marry me for me and not a green card.
Besides, girls that were raised abroad aren't seen in the best way, I experienced it. I was a virgin I was very traditional, a total prude, and close to my culture even if I was raised abroad but I still had so much trouble.
When I married someone that wasn't attracted to me physically(whether it was because of lack of attraction or being homosexuality(IDK)) and we never were intimate like most couples are and since we were so different like night and day when it came to, cultural closeness, being religious, being close to family, and different from each other in every way nothing to bring us close in the marriage. If I like green, he would try his hardest to hate green. It was always me that gave in and agreed just to keep the peace. I think almost 99% of the marriage was heartbreaking and caused me to be so worn out and half dead. No happy occasions were celebrated even if I wanted except the birth of my child. I think that was the only happy time in my marriage.
I must have tried every way to make the marriage work from changing myself to figuring out why this man wasn't attracted to me like most heterosexual men are attracted to a woman. He was not like that. I must wracked my brain trying to figure it out. His cellphone was locked and I didn't know his password, I knew nothing that was going on in his life. His parents in the old country knew more about him and what's going in his life than I did even if I tried to communicate with him. It was like living with a stranger.
I made myself into a better person, worked on myself as a person and all that I saw wrong with me to make him love me and care about me, changed myself to be just like his mother, more organized and a clean,neat freak and i'm still working on making myself like that. I exercised so I would look my best for him but he was just such a bitter, loner-type never liked cultural or festive times, hated family traditions, it was lonely in the marriage for me because I was always alone during special occasions.
Anything that got him angry, he found every way to blame it on me and my family. I tried to find out what issues he had with my family but he could never come up with anything even if my parents treated him like a son and my siblings treated him like a brother.
There was so much wrong in the marriage. It started out violent, where it was abusive and when I tried to say that maybe we are very different and that maybe divorce was best for something we rushed into, he almost choked me when he was preventing me from telling everyone the news of my decision. After that, I tried to make it work because I felt I had no choice, either live as a divorced woman who broke off a marriage after a few months who had trouble finding a good match when I was single(so in my mind I would not get married again since i would be seen as a divorcee and I would never have a child) or stay married and atleast make the marriage work from my side because I never believed in relationships breaking up if both worked at making the bond stronger.
So as much as I analyzed that marriage to death trying to make it work from my end. It cannot and must not be one-sided clinging to make the marriage stronger or even work. Eventually the one person that's trying their hardest to make it work will be worn out and half dead from making the effort. Would a person have to die trying to make something work that's already dead or protect their sanity and leave something that is not working.
My parents and his parents wanted a grandchild so somehow he forced himself to go through the motions with me so I could get pregnant. Everything was so forced and unnatural.
I don't have any regrets in terms of whether I gave it my all to make the marriage work. I don't think anybody else tried harder to make an abusive, deadening marriage work where I was alone most of time. I'm used to going anywhere alone and taking care of my child alone and doing everything myself from fixing anything around the house, lawn mowing, to lifting heavy groceries or anything, I basically did everything myself anyways in the marriage that usually a man or a husband would do so life wasn't really such a huge stretch when I got divorced after all these years. Whenever I bought something for my child or groceries using the joint credit card, he always made me pay him back for the money I spent and if I didn't pay him back he would take my credit and debit cards away until I did. He's broken down doors, turned off the heat downstairs especially in the winter, destroyed my jewelry and baby photos that I loved. I was frustrated and tired of constantly being scared of him.
I don't think i have any regrets. My life as a divorced person is no different from the very lonely, panicked, scary life as a married person. Except now I do get to attend religious events and I get to see my family which wasn't possible all throughout the marriage. I just have to deal with people's reactions if they do somehow get it out of me that I am divorced. At that point I have to deal with their reactions.
I still haven't recovered or healed yet so I need to go through some divorce therapy to deal with the trauma of verbal and physical abuse in the marriage and everything I went through and dealing with my new status as divorced in the desi community. Now i'm going to work on making my life and my child's life better. Stand strong in front of the desi community and shield myself of any bigotry from getting the best of me. No I don't tell most people i'm divorced only until they keep hammering me about where my husband is what he does what he's doing now and eventually I just blurt it out that i'm divorced and that I would prefer not to talk about it.
I hope your friend finds happiness again Inshallah.