Actually - we paid for the plots - maybe we should just insist that they be sold.
The last time he told them no my FIL had "high blood pressure" and went to the hospital - so this is what we are up against. Is this common for those of you who have relatives back home?
No Amana it is not common. I have brothers and sisters and a mother living in Pakistan. I swear they have never ever asked for money or anything else. My mother has visited us a few times here and now she asks us if we need any money because you guys have lot of bills to pay. We do send them some money or gifts but not based on their demands. I think your situation is an extreme case of emotional and financial exploitation. I think you should only send the grocery money if they need it otherwise your medical bills and kids come first.
What about your husband? What does he feel about it?
If he feels that the demands are unjustified then he must stop. He is under no obligation to pay for luxuries, like cars and jeeps and gifts for far relatives.
People who develop a habit of taking money from others, keep on taking from others.
Many young men in Pakistan have ruined their own lifes coz their reltives gave them easy money.
I have similar issues with my father who kept giving money to his relatives for various things while we used to long for a better car and a better house like our friends. My father still does the same and at times he had asked me to give money to some of the relatives, but, i told him, Abbu jee they are not going to get my money, period. My father was upset initially but now he understands.
The other side of story: Pakistan is almost as expensive as any other country in the world, may be more. The money that u might think is a lot for Pakistan may actually be nothing. Beleive me an average house of 5 people has normal expenses of 1000 dollars per month.
Amna, look at it the other prospective, when we are kids, our parents take care of our needs, yes need not our every wish. They set us restrictions and boundries as what we can get from their money and what not, mosty if we are not filty rich we are not given every single thing (Toys) we ask for, are they being unfair to us, NO they are not they are setting us limits so that we learn that not everything is given to us as we demand!
Now look at it the other way, (lets forget who bought up your husband) now its the turn of your husband to pay back, so is it wise to give so much amount that they are affording luxuries (eg. cars)
I dont understand how you can be so quiet about this all, you have your kids and their basic needs they come FIRST!
For my opinion you are giving way to much. 1200 $ thats around 70.000 rs per month right, thats way to much for a single family in pakistan. You guys should refuse to send more.
I tell you, my husband also has a family back home, although hes got 4 more brothers, his priority is him family over here, ofcours if someone is in trouble or in medical need thats another thing but to send money for such luxuries is too much, tell me are u guys saving anything for yourself???
I think you nailed the problem when you said "The more we give, the more they expect." They think you can afford it, esp with their comment about "leftover money." They have also learned that when they use hysterics they get what they want.
Your husband is going to have to bite the bullet here. The hysterics will ease in time, once they understand that there is no leftover money. He should explain that his "leftover money" will pay medical bills and send his children to college....so if we send YOU our "leftover money", it will get you a new car or a big party at the expense of your granchildrens ability to go to college. When the hysterics begin, remind his parents that they will always have a place to live, a car to drive, food on the table. And college educated grandchildren. So life is good, no worries, be happy!
Lol some of the comments here are hands down, the most stupid ones i have heard so far on GS. So i should not have kids or one kid only just so my inlaws can have better cars and stuff? This is hilarious!!!!
does an avg household make $60k+/month? if not how do the other survive.
I know families in Pak, where only the husband is working and is making around $35K/month and they are living comfortably, they are not in the most posh area, dont drive a luxury car, but dress well, kids in good schools etc.
My dad spent his youth doing it.. he has a massive family.
They would send a set amount to my uncles who were studying and a separate amount to the family. Like you, they would also send extra for Eids, births, wedding etc.
They were nasty to my mum for the years she was in Pakistan after my parents got married.
My mum had a tough life, they always struggled.
I don't remember much of it as I'm a lot younger than my siblings.
They irritating thing is that they never appreciated it then, and they don't appreciate it now.
You need to be clear.
Let them know how expensive life is.
You should send money to your parents-in-law because like the others I agree they do deserve it, but you shouldn't be supporting the siblings.
My dad does the same thing...have been supporting his brother for years. And now my uncle is so used to this that he has left his job (had a decent job-worked at the some bank) and my dad and other siblings who are abroad (UAE,USA,Europe) take cares of his all expenses. They never appriciated his efforts nor they ever will. They see it as their "right" to get money from other siblings who're abroad. Its sickening, he is in his 50's now, and my dad and my other 2 chachos paid for my taya's kids education, my cousin's wedding, their house rent, all their luxuries ( nokers chakars, credit cards, given their sons cars,their frequent trips to india for shopping) but after doing this for years and years, they still do not appriciate anything. Its not like we are looking for special treatment when we go there for visit rather they never called my dad when he was seriously ill (Alhumduiallah he is doing well now), they never tell us of thier plans like my dad didnt know about my cousins wedding's date, they had already decided of the venue and how many people to invite and just when everything is done..they call my dad to let him know about their "budget"... how much it all cost and how much he has to send.
its mind blowing, really but my dad and other siblings have no other choice but to fulfill his all needs since my grandfather lives with his older son. So my uncle thinks since he is keeping his dad with him, its his right to demand all he wants and if he doesnt get what he wants he uses my grandfather as a shield and make my grandfather get all what he wants from his sons.
There are no social security benefits coming to the parents in Pakistan and that is why they invest in their sons. They are often better looked after, their education is given priority because they are considered the social security for the old age. If we study the social norms in Pakistan, you will see that recently it is often alleged that parents don't mind their daughters staying home for well into their late 20s as long as they are self sustaining or better bring home something. Now, we can all argue if it is the right thing to do or not or how it all developed, but these are simple norms in any third world country.
I personally know guys who don't marry until well into their forties for this very reason, because they can't afford to support two households or they just don't want the headache of balancing the two.
It is only a first generation immigrant problem. Those parents who have sent money back home or have actively supported their parents, will not expect the same from their international born sons and daughters.
I think that was all generally understood, mr ahmadjee. The problems begin when the parents have demands that go above and beyond....I mean, they whine about having new cars, fancy parties etc etc...they are reportedly very well cared for on a monthly basis (I would LOVE to live over there with an income of $1200 per month!!) Holey shmokes, these parents are beyond greedy! And they KNOW that if they whine loud enough, the poor good son will send over what they ask even at the risk of not saving enough for his children's college. These greedy people NEEd to be straightened out and I think I made a suggestion on how to do it nicely...but I dont know if I'd be able to be so nice about it.
wow..quite a news to me!!!..Mr/Ms Mamaof3, i didn’t say if you need a husband or wife or whatever to procreate..what i said hasn’t anybody heard of it, DO BACHE HI ACHE??? kahir didn’t say it svery seriously..one has the right to have as many kiddos as (s)he wants…
and by the way you people, when i wrote about the DILs whining and griping about how bad their in-laws are, i didn’t mean specifically AMANA…she is right in her own way and in her case, what she feels is justified…what i wrote about was a general type of women i have seen…including some of my close relatives…they are always like MY IN-LAWS ARE LIKE THIS, THEY ARE LIKE THAT, THEY MAKE ME DO THIS, THEY MAKE ME DO THAT, THEY WANT THIS, THEY WANT THAT…i meant THISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS, you stupids:grumpy: …e.g. there is this very close female relative whose father in law was best friend of her own dad…she turned almost 28( people in pakistan think it’s quite late to marry for a girl) and didn’t get married, then her father in law sent her wife to the relative’s place and commanded her to fix the date of marriage with their oldest son…and within a couple of months, our relative got married, without being to give away one single thing as JAHEZ…she is now married for 16 years MASHALLAH and lives in Canada now..but she constantly b****es about her in-laws…such as meri saas mujhse yeh kerwati theen mujhse khane pakwati theen..mere husband 7 baje jate the lekin mujhe dewar ko nashta dene k liye 5 baje uthna purta thaa…meri saas yeh meri nand woh… i used to and still do house chores whenever i go to my mom’s place in Canada and that includes cleaning up, co0king, making breakfasts, doing laundry etc. what i don’t get is when i can do all this stuff for my own family, why the heck i would start griping and whining when i am required to do the same stuff at my in-laws???..that is what i meant by what i wrote earlier in the thread, you jerks…you know the problems with the 99% of the dils is that they never consider their in-laws family as their own..and that is what creates the problems…i am not saying the in-laws always take dils as their own daughters..but what i am saying is if both side make some extra effort and compromises, then there would be no such problems in any family…and mind you, i am not giving advices or suggestions to anybody..it’s just what i feel whenever i observe such behavior by dils…since some people in GS lack the ability to understand, they are asked to kindly move on to the next feedback without putting too much pressure on their teeny tiny minds
Mama, whats a necessity vs. whats above and beyond is a very bias decision. I and you can agree that a new car is a luxury but someone else might consider having a car altogether a luxury. Some might consider $12000 a year too much, while others might frown at $120. It all depends. Just like most Desi women will be more than happy to have the MIL living across the street, as long as she is out of the house, but we know from Raymond, its not the case for American wives.
I agree with many of the suggestions that have been brought up in this thread. Thank God I don't have that problem yet, its hard as is to give my Dad money. And yes, you all can adopt him.
I’m glad you wren’t serious about “who told you to have kids” remark, that was very childish and dumb. But we can’t xpect anything mroe from a lil kid.plz don put too much pressure on your teeny tiny teenybopper mind comin up wit a response :o
