Re: The money tree is drying up
I'm glad you wren't serious about "who told you to have kids"remark, that was very childish and dumb. But we can't xpect anything mroe from a lil kid.
When She start the Topic she said 19 above only :D
Re: The money tree is drying up
a teeny tiny teenybopper mind is far better than having no mind at all, isn’t it:hoonh: ? so iw ould suggest you something…please do not put too much pressure on your upper chamber, because it’s all HAWA( air) there..and you know when you pump up anything way too much, it , you guessed it, it ExxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxPLODES…HAWA NIKAL JAATI HAI..
Re: The money tree is drying up
Lolzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Re: The money tree is drying up
Well the situation is pretty much resolved. My bhabi is expecting, so she will be quitting her job and they will be decreasing their contribution. My BIL and husband spoke with nand's ex, who will be paying school fees and supporting the kids. They then told nand she is no longer allowed to withhold the kids from him, and that she is being given a shopping budget.
BIL will open accounts for both my nand and ILs before he leaves Pakistan, and give them debit cards. He is also opening another account for emergencies that will require either him or my husband to approve any withdrawals. At least two plots will be sold to fund this account, which leaves several others, and the village revenues. They will build on the ISB plot and rent it out, which should provide some residual income, and allow us to reduce what we send every month.
My BIL told his sister that she needs to find something other than shopping to occupy her time now that she is divorced, and that she can't expect to live as lavishly as she did while married, otherwise she should sell some of her jewelry or her plots if she needs more money.
Bhabi will be quitting her job, and I hope to eventually quite mine, or at least scale back my hours a lot. The fallout of all of this is going to be horrible for awhile, but I think in the long-term, it is a big relief for my husband and his brother. It had just gotten too out of control, and no one was willing to say enough.
Re: The money tree is drying up
Amana, i am glad its being sorted out. I cannot begin to imagine how stressful it might be to deal with.
Re: The money tree is drying up
Amana, i am glad its being sorted out. Yeah it's so stressful to deal with
Re: The money tree is drying up
There should be one priority chart and spending (or sending) of money should be on NEED basis and not WANT.
Thanks god I have never been in situation. I send a pre-set amount every month to my parents and my wife never objected. Both parties (parents and wife) have to be considerate. If my parents come to know about some event (like we are visiting Pakistan, or I am buying plasma etc), they themselves ask me not to send money that month (not that I listen to them) and If there is some emergency in Pakistan (like my father had operation 2 months ago), my wife herself ask me to send extra money.
I guess as far as you are not being ignorant to anyone’s need, things will work out. I have seen problems growing when husband ignore one party. Like one of my friend will send 700$ to buy video camera to his younger brother but will argue till last drop of blood if bhabi wants to buy facial kit etc. He consider that as “aayashi”….this is where problem comes in.
Re: The money tree is drying up
Men (19 year old boys need not reply), how do you cope with the financial demands?
Amana, you and I are in the exact same boat, sister, as are thousands of other Pakistani wives. My mother sums it up best. Many men in Pakistan are very fearful of being alienated from their blood families, and are fearful of being considered under their wife's control in the eyes of their relatives. They literally have to BUY a relationship with their blood families after they get some independence, whether that's through marriage or if they get a good job.
It is so hard when their families are emotionally blackmailing them. I've noticed that as soon as husband gets a good job, his sister will immediately file for divorce from her husband (my nand just did that) and demand financial support from her brother. Also, the brother and bhabi will literally feel entitled to money from him and will show attitude if you don't comply (i.e. a form of emotional blackmail). I have no qualms about giving money to the parents (taking care of your parents is not usually a financial burden), but sometimes saas ji will lay the guilt on thickly if you don't hand money over to her other sons.
There are two ways to break the cycle: either never give them money to begin with (like my father did) or have your hubby realize he is giving too much. He needs to realize that your little family will need savings for the children's futures (i.e. education and shaadis) and for your own future (i.e. bhurapa, illness, etc). If only men were smart enough not to give so much cash to begin with, then the relatives would not come to expect it or depend on it or make a habit out of it. My father helped out his poor relatives in the village, but never anyone who was too lazy to get a job. You're sick and crippled? He's very happy to help. You're home eating dahi bhallay? Forget you.
For the first five years of my marriage, my husband made no more than $45,000 a year (we have two kids). I managed really well in that salary and we even had savings! Because of my careful saving ways, he still managed to hand over thousands upon thousands of dollars to his family. He paid for two vacations for his brother's family (luxuries), as well as two cars and help with their monthly expenses. All the while both brother and SIL were taking it easy (BIL not working full time, SIL not working AT ALL, not even at a walmart, despite having children that went to school full time). When I pointed this out to my husband, he was somewhat annoyed at them because he was under the impression they were struggling (yeah, struggling for luxuries like the rest of us), but he knew that he traded his money for having a good relationship with bhai jan.
This past year, my husband's income doubled, and so did the demands. Like clockwork, his sister filed for divorce and his brother insisted that he needed to buy a house NOW (amazingly just a few months after we bought ours), that, woe is him, he didn't have enough money for the down payment and he still had $15,000 educational loans on him. Guess what? Hubby paid for all that. And out of the woodwork came this cousin of his from Pakistan, a single mother recently divorced from the husband she defied her parents in order to marry (where's the love now honey?) She wanted to open a boutique and that way she could "be independent." She shamelessly asked for, get this, $20,000 American for a boutique in Pakistan!!!! Of course we couldn't afford that, but he gave her a hefty sum anyways. A year later, there is no boutique, no contact with her at all, not even an email on her progress. I told my husband that basically he got punk'd. And even he admits it.
Men learn with experience. Now my husband is at the point where he feels really guilty about depriving us and not saving properly. We're in debt, his job is shaky, and if he were to lose his job, we only have enough for one month's living. When they're in a situation like that, that's when they get that epiphany and realize that they need money for their families too. I have accepted the fact that he will ALWAYS give them big sums of cash, but I've seen him become wiser in what he gives. Last year, he gave away 33% of his income (I could just keel over and die when I see that--the look of shame on his face when I did the math was worth it though bwhahahaha ) and next year, it will certainly be less for them, and more for our family, especially our kids. But the men have to come to that realization first.