Hi guys, i dont know if this post even has a point but im so sad right now and i have a huge headache from being upset…just wanted to share my feelings.
HOW WE MET/HOW IT PROGRESSED (you can skip this and go down to the ‘Problem’, these are just extra details)
ok i started college in 2002. i used to have a big group of desi friends. among these, was a guy ‘Q’. he was a quiet sort so i didn’t really talk to him that much. but we had a common friend (zareen) who was always having problems. so q and i always ended up discussing how to cover for her. for example, one time she took a trip to another city, and her parents decided to visit our college that very weekend. they kept on calling both of us..and we were stuck between their concern and our loyalty to her.
ANyway, zareen moved away, but we got together i guess…like he admitted how he felt, etc. I told him i can’t date and stuff, so to show he was serious he talked to his parents and even my mom. he said he couldn’t get married right then but he wanted to assure them of his commitment. i was really embarrassed but it was a nice gesture i guess.
ok…time went by…he moved to another city…but we kept in touch. not daily phone calls, but just once in a while, like “hey how’s it going”. when he visited dubai, he brought baklava for my dad…when his parents came to my city, they dropped by for dinner. his sister also visited my work. so obviously both parents knew everything. my parents had a reservation that they are indian and so far away, but when they saw how sincere he was, they were placated.
in 2007, he moved from US to dubai. at that time we weren’t talking much (i had told him that i don’t want to keep you on hold, so im okay if you find someone else) but still, out of politeness he called my mom to say salaam. my mom said that we had recently had a car accident. he told us he had just had a buyer come and see his car, and that buyer was gone to get the deposit. Q told my mom that she could have the car (he also gave the buyer $100 for his inconvenience).
So right now, it’s 2009. he’s been gone abroad for 2 years. and my dad drives his car. i really appreciate Q a lot more since his absence. in august 2008, his dad called my dad and said that he knows that Q and I have been friends for a long time, and his son feels that it’s time to take this friendship to its ‘natural conclusion’ and that he agrees with Q, but we would like to have your support in achieving this…etc..
So my dad said that I am not really settled with my life, and he wanted me to be employable and have some skills before I got married. Also this would give Q some time to get established in Dubai.
In 2008, my mom visited Pakistan and had a layover in Dubai. He was so nice, instead of letting my mom sit in the airport overnight, he picked her up, let her rest in his room, and also his mom cooked a persian dinner. they were very hospitable.
Now it’s June 2009. I didn’t increase my ‘employability’ or ‘skill level’ at all this year, because I was not able to secure a job. I am trying again for teaching positions. I also applied to med school in Dubai. I figured I could start med school in Aug 2009, and if things worked out inshAllah, I could get married by my second year of med school. ANd in the worst case scenario (not getting married), i would still be pursuing something i liked. i shared all this with my parents.
THE PROBLEM
last week, Q called my mom and they discussed everything in detail re: marriage…my mom had a lot of questions but he answered them all. my mom was concerned about my education and he promised my mom he would support me in it.
mom also said i would prefer to talk to parents so he said he just wanted to make sure before his dad called.he called me and said he was so happy and relieved that this was going somewhere, and his sisters are happy too.
meanwhile thinking about an impending shaadi made my parents freak out about my career. my mom was like “oh so you’d rather get married than pursue your education” and “you’re so desperate bc u want to go on a honeymoon.” 
My mom also said that his family really didn’t like me, but they were just doing this rishta bc of their son’s pressure. my dad said that school in dubai was “third class” and refused to let me go for my interview. so i cancelled it with a heavy heart.
Anyway Q called me yesterday and asked if 12 pm today was a good time. i asked my mom and she said yes. she also said “don’t worry beta, i will explain your dad everything.” so i gave Q the ok.
Today i woke up in the morning and BOTH my mom and dad were not home. i was really perplexed, i had told mom the time very clearly. meanwhile Q’s dad called the home and my brother didn’t pick up. when i came out of the shower, and saw the number, my heart sank. i quickly ran online and he said that he had collected his whole family to be there at that moment…even his grandma and visiting sister were in the living room. He asked “what happened”. When i told him no one was home, he was understandably very upset. He said ‘what should i tell everyone sitting here?’. i was like “i don’t know, i’m so sorry”. he’s like “i don’t think you even told them” and i was promising him that i did.
My sister called both mom and dad, and they were totally nonchalant about it. then mom came home and called dad and it was almost like an argument…they were talking and talking about how this is bad, how they don’t like me, etc. I was thinking, shouldn’t this have been done earlier??
I was so mad at my mom. I said even if you had to say no, you could have talked to them. But doing this thing where you aren’t even home is so rude! Even if you have to reject someone, you have to respect their feelings, right? I said, he made that time according to your preference and i asked your permission! My mom was just like “ehmm ah,shayed misunderstanding ho gayi”
Anyway i called him at 3. he said his entire family had gathered together at 12, to be there after the phone call and now no one was talking because they felt embarrassed and confused. I was so so sorry, really from the bottom of my heart. But he said,"you know, I did my part, I talked to my parents, I talked to your parents, etc. " The only ONE thing I had to do was have my parents at home at a certain time and I couldn’t even do that. i was in tears, apologizing, but he said my dad is not calling your father again. he already called twice and you guys did this. he talked for maybe 1 minute max and was just silent…i was like…um hello, listen please understand etc…but it was just silence and at the end, i said “so you’re not going to talk to me?” and he said “well there’s nothing to say anymore, i did everything i could.”
anyway i went to my babysitting gig and then at 9 i came home. dad was home too and my mom was just saying “look at her, she is mad at me because she is desperate for marriage.” I was like "IT’S NOTHING TO DO ABOUT BEING DESPERATE FOR MARRIAGE!! EVEN IF YOU WANT TO REJECT HIM, IT’S UP TO YOU. BUT IT’S A MATTER OF COMMON COURTESY TO AT LEAST TALK TO THE PERSON,NOT AVOID THEM!! I WAS LIKE, IF YOU NEVER INTENDED TO TALK TO HIS DAD, FINE…BUT AT LEAST YOU GUYS COULD’VE BEEN HONEST WITH ME SO I WOULDN’T HAVE CONVEYED WRONG INFORMATION! I said, “imagine his old grandma, sitting there and waiting.”
THen my mom was like “fine if they want to call again, we will pick up.”
I was like “well obviously they aren’t going to call again!!” i said, “he doesn’t even want to talk to me anymore, so just forget it.”
then dad was really pissed and said why am i making a “hue and cry” aur iska dimagh kharab hai
at 10 pm mom called their house. i was like, “ok dont just call their house and create a drama. whatever happened already happened” but she insisted.
anyway Q’s dad was polite but distant…he said due to ‘recent developments’, this topic is best solved by Q and me and that no matter what the decision, his blessings are always there. it really shows he is a mature guy to not lose his cool. he did not say anything about a rishta , and also he said perhaps we will visit in 6 months. before Q was saying we want to ask to get married in 6 months! so i think Q’s dad maybe is having second thoughts but he just wanted to let us off nice.
On top of that, my dad is like “Iss ne to itna shore machaya hua tha. he wasn’t saying anything much. the way she was talking, it sounded like she lost a big proposal.”
for the last 2 hours, my dad just berated me to my mom. He said he really resents being called a liar by me (i just said it was misleading to keep someone hanging) and he said from now on, my mom and him will not talk to me. and that let me do what i want with my life. of course i really can’t do anything because i don’t have any money. and the one option i had in dubai, i rejected bc of him.
I am just really heartbroken. This was a nice shareef guy, and my mom always used to say, “if you like a guy, do everything through proper channels”…so I did, I had his dad call my dad. But instead they are picking flaws like he is indian, or he lives far away, but the thing is, they knew all these things 5 years ago. the thing i feel most guilty about is that i wasted an innocent guy’s time and nothing can bring it back. he liked me from ages 23-28; that is a long time and i don’t know anyone who will wait that long. and a few people who know about me and him, always remark how lucky i am to have him, because he is so much better looking than me and he is also very nice. but my parents just find out random flaws which don’t even make sense. i am so sad for us breaking apart.
even if the rishta goes through now, i feel like their parents will remember my parents attitude forever and maybe they will treat me adversely because of this. if it doesn’t go through, well, i will always regret ruining an innocent guy’s first love and also i don’t think i could commit wholeheartedly to someone else.
I am so hurt right now. If my parents didn’t like him, they could have at least been honest with me. But I had their tacit approval all along, which just confuses me. And the thing is, my parents say I have free choice in marriage, but i really don’t because even if i 100% agree to a rishta, if my dad says no, then no matter what, it’s not going to happen.
Idk…should i call Q? I don’t know how things can progress from here. His dad is obviously not going to call again, and my dad is saying now that indians are too different from pakistanis.
I can’t believe something so perfect built up for years and years got ruined in one day…
at this moment..I promise, I can totally completely understand what you must be going through and how it feels..I went through almost exactly the same dilemma in 2007 as you are now…