The longest post ever seen on GS-

Lifestyle Relationships
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Jalebi - I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

I don't know what it is about marriage in Pakistan/India...but it seems to turn even the most rational and laid back people into people we just don't recognize.

Is there, perhaps, a 3rd person you could talk to? This story of parents sabotaging their children's rishta is all too common, I'm afraid, and a lot of times, the children will then go to an older sibling, aunt/uncle, close friend, Imam, etc. to talk to the other side's family and to the family of the girl or boy whose parents are being unreasonable.

We had a gentleman in our community some years ago whose parents wouldn't even discuss marriage with him until his much older siblings were married. Problem was, they were rejecting everybody who came their way and were getting on in years. He didn't want to wait on them, but every time he found someone he liked, his parents would find out, call the girl's family and tell them some made up story (e.g. he's already engaged, married, etc.) to make them back out. Finally, the poor man went to some very close family friends to act as his "elders" and speak to the girl's side. It worked out, eventually, and the parents came around.

Anyway, like previous posters have suggested, give everybody a bit of cooling off time. Talk to your parents about this calmly, and if it doesn't work, see if you can find a trusted relative or friend.

Good luck.

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Re: The longest post ever seen on GS-

only one thing i will suggest and that is tell your parents: "Yes, i want to get married and to this person!". cuz there is no point in pursuing such education which wont even get you any piece of peace.

q, seems like very honest to you. so stick to it. there is no point in searching for more.

Tribute to Pakistani Drama Writers
Tribute to Pakistani Drama Writers
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i liked the idea of bringing in some trustworthy n older relative that ur parent will listen to like aunts or grandparents.
jalebi if u r 27 n ur parents r still not interested in ur marriage then they r just being careless. In such a case u hav to take ur own stands. talk n meet Q n work out something together. Hopefully things get better for u IA.

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Re: The longest post ever seen on GS-

:hugz: I’m not so good with advice giving but I hope everything turns out alright :rose:

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Re: The longest post ever seen on GS-

Q seems like such a wonderful person.....i hope your parents understand that his perfect for you and everything works out well : )

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its the first time i have heard parents creating so much unhappiness for their children. you must feel so alone now coz the one thing you have as authority are the ones who are being childish.

any reasons for their selfish and immature behaviour? a guy who had the decency to wait for you for 5 years and from such a shareef family is seriously something hard to find nowadys.

talk to an elder family member n sort this out. the damage has been done but done waste your life because of that. your in laws have proved to be RESPECTABLE people and testing them more than that is just SHAMEFUL. he waited for you so long!!!

leken saying that, pehlay man baap ki reasoning to suno. is there a genuine reason for their behaviour. kia larkay/ larkay walon main wakai koi issue hain? or jahan tak dislike ki baat hai, well there is no sure basis for that claim and besides you are getting married to Q n will live wit him.

ab kisi baray ka sahara lo who has both authority and respect in your family and see where the matter goes. and offcourse dont forget doing istikhara.

n if the matter goes through inshallah for the better then try your best to give the max love n respect to Q n his fam.

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You are an adult and can make your own desicions by now. If you want to marry Q make it happen. As long as you're not doing anything wrong islamically you're good to go.

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Re: The longest post ever seen on GS-

Sounds to me your parents want you around so you can have a career and support them. They might be thinking you're being selfish by leaning towards having your own married life while they may be in a financial struggle.

Like others, I'll say - don't let Q go. He's invested a lot in you, make it happen. If your parents say stuff like you're desperate for marriage, say yeah okay, now rishta qabool karein. That's the end of that.

Tell your parents you want to marry him and yeah soon.

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Re: The longest post ever seen on GS-

Your parents sound really strange.

Don't let Q get away, you can still make it happen. Talk to him once things have cooled down a bit.

Good Luck!! Hope things work out for you.

what will you do with a large inheritance?
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that was really harsh and mean of your mother to say..and i f theythink theyll find some other perfect guy for u later on well u should tell them it takes time..and what if thye cant find a better ristha than the one they are rejecting now? ..its hard enough to find good risthas these dayz..

..whats wrong with them..r they scared of soemthing?..tell them in life u gotta take risks..i hope thing turn out for the best sweety..

Sirat-e-Mustaqeem
Sirat-e-Mustaqeem
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So is the guy Iranian?

may be that is why your parents did not feel right!

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hey guys, i just came to the library to read GS and i'm a lot more calm now. mostly because i've been out of the house.

well mom told me this morning that my dad isn't angry anymore, but he is very sad and disappointed by me...that i would talk back to them and show so much rudeness just for a guy, and that i don't appreciate their sacrifices. she said he keeps saying that "am i a liar? am i a liar? I wasted my entire life on you people and this is what I get”. And she says that they had so many hopes from me, and me pursuing a career will not help them, it is going to help me, and they are just trying to save me from going into a ditch.

basically these are the problems:
1. He lives very far away. **
**1b.He lives very far away so mom can't visit me when I'm sick.
*1c. He lives very far away and mom always dreamed that her children will all be close to her in her old age and she will get a heart attack if I leave. *
My parents have given the examples of many friends who have sponsored over spouses, so the spouse lives in the same city. So why am I moving away when there are husbands willing to live in the same city as the girls parents.

2. His family could be using me for citizenship and these days there are so many cases like that.
I told him that my mom is worried about this, so he ended up applying on his own, even though it is a longer process.

But my mom said when she talked to his father, his dad said it will take 2 years for immigration to clear, so it means they still want me to sponsor them. And mom says they like me because he wants to come here and establish his career, and I am the easy way for him. After all his visit visa for US has been rejected twice before.
3.He is Indian and they have a completely different culture from Pakistanis. Indians live among Hindus, so they are influenced by them. Mom says "un ka utna behtna kahna peena, sub alag hai. woh unglion se chaat chaat k kahna kahtay hai, phir tu bolegi 'ew gross' and do you want to live in that sort of mahol"
yeah of course i feel more comfortable around Pakistanis and i think indian ppl have weird urdu and different social manners. I wish that my kids (iA) could visit pakistan and feel a love for it. But, it's not a dealbreaker for me. My mom says there are millions of pakistani guys and we have so many contacts so why am I going for an indian guy?
4.He is short.
Mom says that I am already short so I need to marry a tall guy to have tall grandchildren. I said "well I'm only 5'3 so 5'8 is ok for me i guess". and then my mom was like "don't degrade yourself! you always put yourself down! teri daadi ko nahi dekha...woh chaar foot ki aur tera daada ki height 6 ft se ziada hai! find yourself a tall guy!"

I guess karma is a B, because my bro finished his growth spurt and he ended up SHORTER than Q...he's like 5'6.

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*5. They say that I am not thinking with a clear mind and since they are my parents, they know best for me, aur maa baap hamesha apne bachon ki behtari k liay sochthe hai. *

**6. His mom doesn't like me. **when my mom visited dxb, my mom asked their mom if she would prefer an indian bahu, and their mom agreed. So my mom says that why would i go into a family when i'm not their first choice?

7. My mom said "to tell you very honestly, your father says k tujhe ache se acha rishta mil sakta hai and you are just settling."

Maybe...or maybe not. 'Potentially' i could find a better rishta, however 'in reality' i don't think so. i am not miss beauty queen or miss ghareloo usa and q is more than good enough for me.

8. mom says that i am so intelligent and that i would be wasting my potential and regret forever if i don't become a doctor.

i told mom that my bro repeated a grade, and you guys are sooo happy when he gets a C, so why are you guys demanding so much of me? let me do what i want. but my mom says, woh to nalaiq hai lekin tu to mere bachon mein se sub se ziada zaheen hai and your dad says this too, so if you don't study further, it will be a waste and you will regret forever. and mom says "wasn't that your dream? you're giving up your dream for him?" mom says it's not too late for education, when i'll be 30, i'll realize what a big mistake i made.

Anyway, I just told my sister that i don't care what happens anymore. i'll just do whatever they want and be their slave. because when i don't, they make me miserable anyway.

Well now I am done with discussion because I have said each point calmly and non-calmly both thousands of times. I also made clear all their double standards, but they just take it all has me talking back and being bathameez and rude...yeah i was rude at times...like saying what's the point of all those nikkah conditions when you'll still get beat up? (referring to my dad). anyway i am so sick of their games and criticism.

in a way im glad this event happened, because it helped me see my parents in a new light. i was always dumb and adoring of my parents....telling all my friends how cool they are...but now i realize that my mom deliberately LIED to me on something she knew was important to me, and yesterday i found out she never even told my dad the time. So all that time during the argument, when i was yelling how unfair it is that they gave a time, and my parents lied, my dad was thinking i was out of control and hysterical, because he had no idea about any time. He was probably thinking "big deal. we just weren't home...why is she yelling so much" And here i was thinking my dad avoided it on purpose, because after all my mom said she told him!

Now my mom is like, "ok if i didn't tell him, so what...farz kar, we talk to them again and deny them. is it ok?” and “tu mar to nahi jaaegi agar hum teri shaadi Q se nahi karte, right?”

I don't disagree with EVERYTHING my mom is saying, I know she is saying some stuff which is correct, but i just feel frustrated with everyone now, for always making so many demands of me, when the same demands aren't made of my siblings. I am just going to work on getting admission into a degree program (i was never going to quit it), and meanwhile, just not talk about it and hopefully things will clear up. i don't really know what else to do.

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Jalebi. I feel inadequate to the task and hope RV or PSquared jump in soon because they are the advisers supreme on this board.

I'll do my best, however.

I agree that the way your mother handled it - not telling your father the time, deliberately going out when she knew what time they would call - was not a good method.

You have spoken to your parents. Calmly and non-calmly, as you've said. And as you've admitted, your mother has some true concerns. Now you need to sit down and think about this some more in light of your mother's VALID objections...emphasis on valid as some of her other objections (height, distance, ethnicity) aren't so valid. If after thinking about it and doing Istikhara, you still have your heart set on Q, then I think it's time to involve another trusted elder. Speak to an aunt, a nani, an Imam. Explain what has happened calmly and in an organized fashion. And ask for that person's help in talking to your parents (and possibly to Q and his family).

If Q is the one you want as your spouse, then it looks like you're in for a fight. But don't give up. Right now, I think you want to, but trust me...you'll hate yourself later if you do. Nothing that's worth having is easy. There are always obstacles blocking you from the thing you want most. Unfortunately, it looks like it may be your parents in your case. So remember that they love you, be respectful...but keep fighting. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. Inshallah, that too shall pass. But at least when you look back on it, you can at least reassure yourself that you did your best.

Mulaqatain Zaroori Hain............
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tl;dr

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This thread is almost exactly six years old now; felt a weird sense of nostalgia reading it.

I wrote it when I was 25, at the peak of my youth, with big cheeks and a cute smile. I am now 31, going on 32. I remain single. My undereyes are hollow, and my fat pads have dropped on my cheeks. I had a dental crown done in Pakistan, which was done so badly, it has caused me to lose bone in my jaw. Academically and professionally, I remain stagnant. I make about $1000 a month, but a trip to Pakistan, a dental emergency, a kidney stone---these all eat up thousands at once and I have to start over again.

My father and mother used to yell at me that I am downgrading, and if my sister can get a doctor, why can't I? I remember telling this to "Q", and he said apologetically, "I am sorry I am not a doctor, but I could give you a great life. An M.D. is no guarantee of a long relationship." Well, I guess his words had some merit-- my sister broke up with her doctor fiancee, and ended up with a white guy. And something Q noted very well was that "You know, your parents keep saying they want you to do a master's, they want you to do a doctorate..but they just give you words, their support is not there. My dad made sure both my sisters did their master's degrees, and they both lived a luxurious life while doing so." I remember at that moment, I felt so insulted and angered at him. I thought he was showing off about his dad's wealth. But now, I see he is right. My parents have given me a life that is better than 99% of people in Pakistan, and I am grateful for that. But he was right--how was it fair of my parents to expect the same outcomes as people who were starting on higher steps? My friends' parents paid for their tuition, cars, MCAT courses, shopping, dining, and so on....I paid my own tuition, used to ride my bike, and would drink the milk at the starbucks counters...that was great I could do that, but as expected, the outcomes were different..

The irony is now that my parents are begging at the feet of boys who are Indian, short, tanned, with bachelor's "only" (all attributes my parents rejected boys on the basis of). Many of them reject me. My parents loudly complain about how I am "not cooperating", "iss ki shaadi kyun nahi ho rahi", etc etc. They still continue with their egotistical nature against gas station owners, uneducated people, etc. calling them "third-class". These "third-class" people have all educated both their daughters and sons to good positions, by the way.

I feel kind of trapped, because no respectable Pakistani guy will marry a girl without her parents approval. But my parents only approve their choices. My financial dependence makes me more trapped. After all, when my dad gets mad he says "isse ghar se nikaalo"...and then what can I do? I have no where to go...and I can't pay for the type of lavish wedding Pakistani families expect by myself.

I cannot change my past, but I just wrote this update as a cautionary tale. Maybe other girls can learn. I am honestly glad I didn't end up with that guy. I've changed a lot and we wouldn't match. Regardless, the prime years of my life were wasted. In fact, even though I wrote this post at age 25, my mom reactivated this whole horrible chapter of my life my breaking his engagement in 2011 (age 27).

She is always begging and crying towards me...to get married....she openly tells people on the phone that "bus yeh to maanti nahi hai...har kisi mein khaamiyan nikal leti hai". Obviously, she conveniently doesn't add that she rejected many other rishtas...that I was even on shaadi.com at age 22...so definitely I am not the picky one.

Anyway...I can't change my life...I mean...I am too chicken to kill myself...too chicken to disobey and run away...not to mention don't have enough money..but I want to tell all girls to start saving up your money during your first job. Don't spend it all on your household. Spend it on building savings and improving yourself professionally. Your parents will scare you about credit cards--they are wrong! Get one! Just pay it off every month. It is such a bad feeling to apply for a small thing, and realize at 30, you have virtually no credit history. When you have money, you will have more leverage to do what you want. Also, don't fall for your parent's dramas of "ohh you are so nafarmaan" "oh i am going to have a heart attack", etc. Now I realize that Pakistani parents will manipulate and lie for anything. My mom is banging her head on the carpet right now in sajda...but she is a person who easily lied on wallahi and Quran ki kasm. The problem of religion is that people just believe by reading an extra Sura Yasin or namaz, their sins don't count. So many actually sin more freely than atheists.

Perhaps I will die single...but at least I am trying to change my academic/professional life...I have saved up $1900 (and I realize that I have to credit them for this...as I havent paid rent...this is why I feel so conflicted)....and I am going somewhere far, far away. Sometimes I hope I die...but I don't know...I guess I have a little flicker of hope inside that a new life awaits me. I really hope one girl can read this, and see the light that everything her parents are saying is drama...I hope she goes forward with her dreams.

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Just wanted to say you are awesome! I can't believe your parents. It's not too late to live your life. GET some help for your depression and make life happen.

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Oh hun, I remember your post about your sister. I am so sorry to hear about this, normally parents become more reasonable and calm down after a certain point, I really don’t know what’s wrong with your parents. At the end of the day, as much as they love you, they too are only human and can make mistakes. In my prayers :hugz:

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Stay strong, despite the downs and obstacles you have experienced, you will experience the highs of life as well very soon IA..the experiences although very difficult and unfair are not the end of the world..and you know you should be extremely proud of yourself for overcoming all those experiences, they will only make you stronger and have clearly provided you a perspective in life that many others are lacking but will be very beneficial to you in future..i know its extremely difficult but keep a positive outlook and don't let the negatives hold you back..in fact use them as motivation to take control of life and accomplish what you want in life your way, you're still VERY young, your life is no where near over because a potentially good ristha was lost and you had some medical conditions that have been treated-- these things can be overcome, and you have so much to look forward to in life don't let these difficulties, setbacks and obstacles negatively define your entire life..your parents made mistakes but they're thinking from it from a completely different perspective, even if they may not admit I'm sure they do realize they made mistakes, I know it's difficult but please don't hold grudges against your parents itll only be counter productive..focus on loving yourself, try to keep a positive outlook, reconcile with parents and do at least consider the risthas, the negativity will only keep you down more...but please please please do see a doctor or a therapist for your depression as it can be treated

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Salam Jalebi. I don’t know if its ok to say this but I hate your parents for doing this to you. Before people start bashing me for speaking like this about parents, let me tell you not all parents are alike. Parents can be your enemy sometimes, I have read and heard so many stories which prove this.
Anyhow, obviously I don’t know what your parents’ intentions were, but they ended up harming you.
My advice to you would be to STOP thinking about what happened in the past, because whats done is done. Stop thinking you are old or your life is over, you are just 32. You are a very nice girl who gave up on her dreams just because of her parents, I am sure Allah will reward you for that insha Allah.
:flowers::hugz:
For a while, just stop thinking you are single or you will end up alone, just focus on your health and on your career. Then when you are mentally stable, healthier and financially stronger insha Allah, things will fall in place.
And btw just because you broke a jaw bone I dont think you are any less prettier. Just dont give up on yourself please!