The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

Nomi- Clearly she believes in second chances, but the questions is will he do it again? And should she have let it slide so smoothly?

Lafanter- What about him not really taking it seriously that he hit her? You don't think he'll hit her again? And when is hittng allowed?

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Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

maybe she provoked him who knows

its a guy thing... women get emotional and men get angry

tell her to just forget what happened... and you know may be he even apologize later.

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Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

will he do it again? who knows.......... only god knows about what happens in future........

the question is.......

whether you want to work and make an effort to try to work things out and prevent it from happening in future..

or

dwell on this one incident , keep guessing, and keep holding a grudge against your spouse...

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Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

I partly agree with both of you. But where should the line be drawn? at the next slap? or the 3rd one?

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Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

Working on the relationship will entail talking to him about not only his addicton but his behavior toward her. If this is called "dwelling" and "having a grudge"....then so be it. But it certainly shouldn't be ignored.....as it shouldn't be repeated in the future. I don't support the idea of her sitting around fuming about the incidient and mentally reliving it without doing anything about it. She needs to do some proactive...and it starts with talking to him about it.

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Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

proactive like what??

threatening and ultimatums??

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Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

working things out doesn't mean pretending it didn't happen...in fact that may be true for a regular argument but not this.

if someone wants to come to a resolution...a solution to a problem...that does not mean they're dwelling. in reality, they're the ones trying to actively resolve and the other party is dwelling because they'd rather let the issue hang in mid-air than talk it out.

separation is not the answer here...but resolution IS. meaning, he has to realize what he did is in reality WRONG. and it doesn't seem like he does.

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Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

so putting preconditions in negotiating settlements…:k:

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Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

why are these the only two choices that you can offer?
let's see how focused on resolution men can be.......what method do you suggest she implement to resolve the matter.
and resolution means that she doesn't get hit again and he gets over his gambling addiction........

ready, set, go!

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Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

hahah........competition much???

that comment was in reply to that paricular reply to my original post........... those two are options suggest by many.........

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Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

preconditions? what are the preconditions ive named?

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Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

I haven't read the replies so I am sorry if I am repeating the same thing over .

Well sometime back I read a paper about domestic violence and according to that its not usually a one time event , rather its a cycle . It goes like

Planning -> Creating and excuse -> Violence -> Guilt -> Satisfying one's self that you are right -> back to planning . . .

So she should do something to break this cycle . If you will ignore this act once , then it means encouragement , and of course it can happen again . The best would be if you can sit and have a chat with him in a very professional tone , with expectations , deadlines and consequences .

Good luck

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Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

He has a gambling addiction. Forget slapping, this is a huge issue. Unless this is sorted out and fixed nothing will. He is on a self-destructive pattern and taking his entire family with him.

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Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

I think he needs to be brought around to realise that what he is doing is wrong. And the fact that he slapped his wife only worsens his case here. If he is a good person, I believe he will apologise. When he apologises maybe calmly talk to him about the situation. Ask him whether he thinks that he should be gambling or not. If he says no then go on "I'm not here to remind you that you're doing wrong, I'm here to help you get through this together :)"
If he says yes and slaps again, thats too much and maybe family needs to be involved

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Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

No I don’t believe in second chances when the guys says a slap “shouldn’t be taken seriously”. What does that even mean? So what is serious to him?

And I really have to face palm at the fact that people are saying that it happened because she provoked him. :smack:

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Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

I have to agree with Terebina. A slap shouldn't be taken seriously? I think if it gets to ever considering slapping the wife, that alone is enough to be taken seriously. But for the sake of the marriage as a whole I do say the guy should be given the chance to apologise. Agar tauba karain to khuda bhi maaf kar dayta hain. Hum to phir insaan hain.

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Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

"It takes seven times for a victim to leave an abuser before she finally says enough"

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Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

Nomi, you can claim to be openminded...you can say over and over again that you don't have any set negative attitudes toward women..but I'm finding it tough to believe. Just look at the conclusions you jump to and the ideas you come up with. You say "threatening and ultimatums" in a negative way...you jump to these two options. Muzna's right....that's all you can come up with?

A discussion is a way of being proactive. It need not contain threats and ultimatums......though if things don't work...sometimes that has to be done. I suggested having a discussion several posts ago....but you ignored it and quickly came up with "threats and ultimatums." Wow. And then you say that you're open to acknowledging that women can post advice that is rational and not impuslive........yet when such advice is suggested.....you ignore it as if it doesn't exist...and come up with sarcastic conclusions. You're mind is closed...there's a consistency in that type of comments and attitude you project toward women and their thought process. It's just not healthy outlook.....not for a grown man. For middle school kids.....sure. Not for an adult. And if you don't adopt some flexibility in hearing opinions from women without shooting them down...........it may be problematic for you later on when you do enter a relationship. It gets real old...this girls vs boys and boys are better attitude that should have been left behind in grade school or the playground.

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Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

I'm writing this from personal experience unfortunately. If your husband slaps or kicks you once, even for something small, especially for something small, he will do it again. No matter how much he promises and claims he's sorry and will never do it again. He definitely will!

I received mine when I was doing sajda, in front of Allah, because his mother was fighting with my mother (both sisters) about why I wasn't pregnant yet, I wasn't even married a complete year and the first half year of the marriage I remained living in Holland to finish my last year at lab school as was promised to me before the wedding and he remained in France where his parents live and he had his job (now dvd/games shops). So of course we weren't together often, so of course I wasn't pregnant yet. It was 1996, my parents visited from Holland, just for a few hours. By then I had given up school and driving lessons for Sajjad and his parents and moved to France without diploma nor driving lesson, just to make their fighting stop and make them happy. And there the arguments came, his mother always argued about something ridicilous and unlogical and out of selfishness, apparently she instilled these values of her in her son. So while our mothers were fighting, I was sad and went upstairs and did two raka't nafl to ask Allah for help, Sajjad came upstairs, saw me praying in our bedroom and kicked me on my bottom while I was still doing sajda in front of Allah! He had his heavy boots on and that really hurt.

Just 2-3 months later I was pregnant, because since I had given up school for him in my final year and my driving lessons for him too, I was living with him now in France, naturally I was pregnant quickly... His parents were fighting for no logical reason at all...

The physical and mental abuse never stopped. Many times Sajjad and his parents had said, they were sorry and it wouldn't happen again. Even our Uncle claimed many times Sajjad would treat me better from now on and then he never did, o afterwards he was nice for say a few days, once even a few weeks, but then it all began again.

When your husbands beats you up once, do not believe his lies that he will never do it again. No matter if he swears by Quran and Allah. He will definitely beat you up again. Divorce him, it's your Islamic right, if your husband beats you up, Allah does not forbid you to leave him and marry someone else.

I'm no longer with Sajjad, in 2004 I was finally separated Islamically from him (in my opinion it was sooner, but my family disagrees, there are many different Islamic ways to divorce, I have a different opinion from my family), yet our European divorce was sooner, but that one doesn't really count for you nikkahnama. Read books about what you're allowed to do, read books about your haq as a Muslim wife. Do your own research in Quran and ahadith and you'll find out that no matter what other people say, you can always divorce an abusing husband.

There are even ahadith from people who divorced while there was no abuse, in one case the husband wasn't providing enough income for a decent living and I read about another case where they were just unhappy. Mohammed (saww) allowed them to divorce and sometimes even gave them advice on their second marriage. So it's not forbidden.

Of course we must keep in mind that divorce is only last option when nothing else helps.

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Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

How do you sleep with someone who beats you up, kicks you like a dog? Why would any woman want to get pregnant by such a man...especially when the signs were shown earlier on?

No, I'm not insulting you, Notorious. It takes courage to share your experience on here....and it's good that you did; thank you. It does not necessarily mean (as some Guppies may rush to conlude) that the OP should definitely go for a divorce....the final decision as to what she needs to do rests with her....but sharing your experiences gives another angle to consider.