The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

Lifestyle Relationships
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A friend of mine got married about 2 years ago, a little background. Happily arranged from both families, no financial problems, living in The States, none of these in-law issues on either sides, both professionals, care for each other, no kids.

The problem. He has a slight gambling problem. In the past year he has been playing online poker/ matched betting and has lost about $1000. As she explains, the issue is the fact that he IS involved in gambling and wasting his time/energy/money/ and of course the religious affects.

She confronted him about this 3 days ago, and they got into an argument, where she said that she’s going into those websites and withdrawing the money on his behalf. Basically he became extremely defensive and slapped her across the face. He has never hit before, BUT he also did not apologize, even until now.

She’s the very traditional type of a girl, that if he had apologized and realized what he had done right there and than, she would move past it and not make a big deal. But because he seems to think his aggression was okay that night, her fear is it will happen again. But she’s too scared to take the step of involving family, just because of one slap.

So her question, is the line drawn at the first slap for a separation or involving the family in this matter? What are the chances he’ll do it again, considering he never hit before BUT at this point seems to think he has done nothing wrong. She is too ashamed to go to her parents.

She’ll also be reading this thread.

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Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

**lemme tell you this...shareef people do NOT hit their wives...if he did, he carries a the 'germ' to become violent when provoked. it's said, how a person handles himself when he/she is in anger tells a lot. even the serial killers are at their best behavior in good times, the monster comes out when he/she is in anger.

if his gambling problem is NOT checked NOW, it will get worse with addiction setting in him...he should take some professional counseling.

as far as she taking any action NOW, she should have a SERIOUS talk with him and make it abundantly clear to him that hitting is totally and absolutely UNACCEPTABLE and she would leave him FOR GOOD if he shows any kind of physical, verbal and/or emotional abuse. this time, since he never hit her before, she must give him a SIRST and LAST WARNING!**

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Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

i don't really have anything to say.........but i expect ''divorce''/"break off" being advised in the following posts.... which i wouldn't agree with personally.

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Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

it is too early to think separation. i think she could justify his wrong action in the light religion. try to make point politely, if he still consistent on gambling she could stop sharing bed. there are many ways to impose sanctions on husband but again it is too early to file divorce.

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Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

I think his trigger was his obsession over the gambling. I think it has pulled him in too deep and he is prone to be defensive over it. Obsessions have a way of clouding judgement. I think you can expect another slap.

Id wait for another slap though before involving family.

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Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

I think the underlying problem is the gambling its not that this man is drinking or something that is leading him to violent. It is not a random act. I do not condone what he did at all. What im saying is...'divorce' and 'breaking up' will solve anything.

If they can both work together and towards helping him then inshallah they will be successful.

However, living in fear is no way for a husband and wife to live.

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Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

i believe that her husband does not consider it bad at all. she should convince him that he is doing wrong.

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Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

how?

slap back?

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Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

no.

post # 4. politeness could meltdown him.

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Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

hmm.. perhaps. But u know im seeing this problem as a potential obsession. And people obsessed dont really care abt anything but extreme measures no? the rest they can ignore?

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Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

Addictions make a person irrational - the need and lust for the addiction makes people act in crazy out of character ways.

What she needs to do is somehow get her husband some help to rid him of this addiction, but first he has to admit he has a problem.

She needs to sit with him calmly and remain calm and not too emotional and ask him if he thinks what he is doing is wrong.

If he says yes then that is one huge step crossed and they can come up with a plan together to get some help, if no then I think she needs help, whether thats family or a professional.

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Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

Here is someone talking sense.Then again, take away his money :P

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Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

For me the bigger problem is the *reason *he slapped his wife. When he knows what he's doing is wrong and is not ashamed about it. On the contrary he gets very defensive and hits her.

I would say that your friend should confront him when later things cool down and he's in a receptive mood and talk to him about the entire issue in detail and without any emotions involved. It can be discussed politely. If things do not get better after that, if his gambling doesn't stop or is checked then some elder of the family would need to intervene.

Now coming to the slap bit, what he did was very very wrong and such behavior shouldn't be condoned at all but still I think it would blow things out of proportion if the family is involved at this stage. So it's better for them to try talking out over this first and then giving it some time to see if things improve.

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Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

agreed

taking his attention away could be a step towards fixing him

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Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

He has an Internet addcition...and she needs to let him know this and urge him to seek help. She needs to sit down...and let him know exactly how she feels about how he's wasting money, how she felt when he hit her, and the religious views on both these matters. If he shows NO remorse whatsoever....does not apologize....persists in his habits......................I say get the family involved and let them know what happened. Why should she feel embarrassed for the thappar? If anything it will embarrass him as it portrays him in a very bad light. Right now there is a lot of tenstion between the two and it will prevent them from having a normal relationship.....the matter has to be addressed if she wants things to get back on track. Despite his jaanwar-like behavior...she should take the higher road by attempting a more civil apprach first (discussing matters with only him)...and involve family when he refuses to respect her and their marriage.

It's the idea of him not feeling any shame or remorse for his physical abuse (yes, a slap, even one is abuse)....that really irks me the most about this situation. What a loser.

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Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

Firstly, I have/do deal with plenty of abused women in my line of work. Most women are not beaten to a pulp the very first time. Violence among couples almost always starts with "just one shove", "just one slap" etc. And over time, it slowly escalates.

There are 2 MAJOR issue threatening the marriage.
1) Gambling. Right now it's only $1000....but over time, this can EASILY escalate. For a husband to throw away money on gambling is a big issue. I've actually met women whose husbands spent their entire savings, or their kids college funds on gambling.
2) The "one slap". So we know this guy has it "in him" to hit her. If he can do it once, what makes the wife think he won't do it again?

Here is my persona opinion on this:

1) Let a few days or a week or so go by. It will give both of them time to cool down.

2) Sit down with him again....and let him know that the "one slap" was out of line and she in no way deserved it. Then talk to him about his gambling debt and again, make it crystal clear that in order for this marriage to be successful, he NEEDS to get professional help for his addiction. During this conversation, the wife MUST remain calm and logical (do not get emotional). If the "talk" gets heated or you feel that the husband is not "calm" anymore....PLEASE walk away/end the discussion before he hits you again.

3) If the above does not get a positive response from the husband (ie. he does not agree to get help or worse....slaps her again)....then immediately get family involved, and let them know exactly what is going on. The wife has NOTHING to be ashamed of. She did nothing wrong. She can not and should have have to deal with a husband who is an addict (and who has already slapped her once) by herself. She has every right to seek support from other family members (this includes her and his parents).

** The only positive thing I see about this is that there are no children involved. To the wife if you're reading this: please do not even think about having children UNTIL your husband's gambling/anger issues are resolved.

Good luck!

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Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

it might be a good idea for the wife to distance herself from the husband. either start spending more time at work, at your parents' house, friends' houses, wherever! to the point that
a. he notices she's gone
b. cares enough to MISS her presence.
c. realizes he needs her and approaches her HIMSELF about why she is so distant/not taking care of him/not hanging out/around with him like before.
d. then wife can reply saying she's afraid, upset, and disappointed in him since he hit her and shows no remorse for it. and obviously his gambling is a big enough issue that she doesn't wanna be around him because of it.

this will give a clear signal that his violent behavior has an actual affect on you AND him. and if he gets violent again, it will have even greater consequences. you don't wanna give mixed signals by letting the first slap go as "no big deal" cuz then he will see that if you can let it go once, you'll tolerate it again and again and again.

also, it will be a test to see if he loves the wife or even cares for all the chores or whatever she does. atleast this will show that he will actually give a crap if she files for divorce in the future.
also, it will allow him to see HIMSELF that his gambling is affecting his personality and give him a slight preview of what it may be like after a possible separation/divorce if he doesn't get help. he won't realize the wife's value if she stays the same with him doing all his work and just gives empty threats.

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Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

I don't agree that she should wait for him to notice that she has distanced herself.......that's too passive a way to address physical violence.

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Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

Agree. If he's sooooo absorbed into his Internet addiction ....the to point that it seems he's losing sight of things.....he may be too busy gambling to even notice that she's distanced herself. She needs to be more proactive. The distance may even be misconstrued as tolerance by him.

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Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

i would never tolerate any type of abuse.