The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

I would not advise divorce...

I would advise getting someone else involved so he thinks a million times before laying his hands on her again. He fears no one and nothing. He has to realize there will be consequences if he does this again. One slap, one hit, one time is all it takes people...and its ALL abuse. Since when does quantity determine whether its abuse or not?

I really don't care if he understands he's wrong or right...someone needs to put the fear of God in him asap. Next time he touches her, she needs to call the cops.

22

Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

You assumed that people would rush to suggest divorce. And YOU TOO made a hasty assumption about the advice given here. I've read through the posts....and they've proved you wrong. In your above quote....you do not specify whether you thought it would be mainly the women.....or both genders that would advise divorce right away. BUT.....IF you assumed this primarily about the Guppans....I hope the posts so far have humbled you a bit. No, I don't mean this post in an aggressive way. I'm not having a go at you. I'm not in the least bit angry as I type this. I think that several Guppans on here try their best to post advice with the sincere intention of helping people...and they try to consider the various consequences while doing so.

There's a hadith that states that if you hit someone....avoid the face....as one shouldn't even slap an animal. And if you think about it...there something about slapping someone's face (as opposed to other areas) that brings about a very strong sense of shame and anger. It's humiliating....it sets you on fire....and if takes a lot of courage to not let that shame/fury/pain/ego from clouding your judgment. Still...look at the advice that been suggested her so far. It's contrary to what you had expected. Again, something to consider.

23

Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

It really is annoying to me when people believe a woman should just stick around and get beaten up JUST to avoid the word DIVORCE.

Pehle khud apni bivi ke haat se thappar kha ke dikhado...

24

Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

Sadly, that would be considered a more shameful ordeal in our culture. No, I don't think that woman should put up with persistent abuse. I think that the people here are advising this woman to try and work out her marriage based on the assumption that her husband .....up until his addiction....was a decent and loving partner.....and that it's the addiction that has clouded his judgment. Of course...if things only get worse in spite of family and even professional intervention....then more drastic steps (such as a separation/divorce) may have to be seriously considered and even implemented.

But it's also wrong for some members on here....and there are a few guppies.....who assume that the women can only look at issues from an emotional perspective and not also a rational one.

25

Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

Dont involve the family! Just dont speak to him BUT reply to his questions (if he asks any regarding daily chores) Now, she gives him NO CHANCE of complain that you stopped talking to me, etc.. when he'll see that my wife is talking to me, but she is not happy... she is avoiding me... she sleeps before I come in the room.......... He will realise!! because, this IS a relation where a wife needs a husband and husband NEEDS a wife.... one day or the other, he will need her!! Then he will realise his mistake.. patience is the key to this trick! believe me it will work!!
Good Luck :)

26

Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

For me its not the slap but the fact that he slapped her over her being concerned about a gambling addiction and did NOT apologize. Personally for me, the first slap would be THE last slap for me but if she feels the need to work it out with this guy then she should get family involved NOW. What's he going to slap her for next? Making the bed incorrectly? Seriously... abusers get NO sympathy from me whatsoever.

27

Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

tell his mummy so she can pull his ears .

28

Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

It will only get worse. It will not get better. She cannot fix the hole inside him that he is trying to fill with the adrenaline of winning, of the chance to win. She wil lnever fix it. And if she gets in the way of his addiction, it will be like getting between the hippo and the waterhole.

How many slaps is enough? How much money lost is enough? Because that first slap is just the edge of the cliff, and her next step, if not back, if not away, will be over the edge. It may be a long way down down down, and she can fool herself that everything is fine, no really sab kuch thik hai -- until she hits the ground.

And I agree about not getting pregnant...and don't let him con you into it by saying a child will make everything ok. It won't. And you'll be trapped.

29

Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

i am not here to be always proven right :hehe:…i am not here to win some popularity contest…

I am glad whenever i am proven wrong in such matters…

30

Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

So they had the conversation yesterday. He has apologized, and made her dinner last night (that doesn’t make much of a difference but it’s the gesture which counts). His point of view is that, ya he may need help, but she isn’t handling him properly either. He needs baby steps while she just wants him to jump out of it. He said that the slap shouldn’t be taken too ‘seriously’, because when angry either partner can get physical and this happens in every relationship… ( my point of view >>:eek:<<). And she says she kinda of agrees with him :confused: but at the same time knows physical abuse is not okay, but maybe it was her fault this time, and she pushed him. But she’s too weak and too traditional to even bring the topic or the idea of separation to the family.

I think she herself is erasing the line of respect away from herself, but she sees this as ‘everyone must compromise’ in a marriage.

Like others have mentioned, the main problem is gambling, because he was perfectly fine without this factor. But still there is this uncertainty that while he has apologized there is the factor that he thinks this happens in every relationship. I’m telling her over and over again, this doesn’t happen in normal relationships. Further, I can understand her traditional mind-set because I’m much like her, but the fact that he didn’t apologize the second after the slap is a huge reg flag for me.

She said she’s going to work on helping him with the baby steps of getting out of this. And the rest is up to ALLAH.

I can’t bring myself to agree with her.

31

Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

He needs to get into addiction rehab. If she cares to live with him , he needs to be tamed. One slap , one bad word , one outburst of unjustified anger is too many.
She needs to use all means to make sure that he gets into a rehabilitation program for gambling addicts.
She should give him two choices and two choices only:
1. I am going to court to file a divorce because this is not family environment .
2. If he wants to live under this roof , wants to be part of this family then he gets registered for rehab and follow through.
There is no third option.

32

Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

I don't see what the big deal is, back in the olden days you could beat your wife as long as the stick wasn't thicker than your thumb, rule of thumb

33

Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

what you missed in your analysis are the following critical questions:

what in the world is he talking about?
on what basis did he make the assumptions?
what are the reasons behind his assumptions?
is he just trying to mess around?
or is it the GS history of advise giving that made him come to this assumption?/conclusion?

rest i agree with you

34

Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

Two things:

  1. I wonder how he would react if she had slapped him.. Because if my husband said that to me I’d slap one back SO hard his head would spin and then ask him how do you them them apples?

  2. No wonder abuse is rampant in our community. It seems like people are ok with it. It’s a damn shame.

Anyways, I hope it works out for your friend whatever she may choose.

ETA: In my eyes, there’s nothing anyone can do that can warrant being slapped, especially by a significant other.

35

Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

hmmm… since he didn’t apologise in a second…that means deal over?? Interesting :hmmm:

36

Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

I don't know about deal over, but not realizing a mistake like physical abuse, is a red flag.

37

Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

couldn't agree more, he didn't realise his mistake, and if he doesn't see it as a mistake and regrets it what stops it from happening again ?

38

Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

I would not advise divorce or anything but in all honestly I really wonder how this would play out if the wife slapped the husband.

39

Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

so u guys don’t believe in second chances…interesting :hmmm:

40

Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?

oh he is a psycho a lunatic barbarian a filthy animal scum of the earth habitual gambler wife beater and who knows future rapist murderer arsonist etc etc etc you know. STAY AWAY FROM HIM!!!

PS: poor she, how did she end up with this jerk in the 1st place.