Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?
If the guy is not a serial torturer and his treats the girl respectfully otherwise, he deserves 2nd chance but should be told in clear words right now that he has used his brownie points and if he does this again, he has to face the music.
Physical abuse should be a big no no in any relationship (yes even in parent-child relationship too)
Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?
How do you sleep with someone who beats you up, kicks you like a dog? Why would any woman want to get pregnant by such a man...especially when the signs were shown earlier on? .
An 'abuser' isn't always mean, there are times when they can be very sweet and nice....and then they promise that they will change....
Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?
An 'abuser' isn't always mean, there are times when they can be very sweet and nice....and then they promise that they will change....
The question "How can you sleep with someone who physically abuses you" was also asked by a former colleage....desi woman in her 40s whose ex husband used to hit her. He wasn't always mean either. But I wonder the same thing as her. Surely, how you view your spouse must change after that...there has to be a shattering/shifting of feelings...like a crack where things are just not whole anymore...and that prevents you from having respect for them....let alone being physically intimate with them.
Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?
That's why I shared this here, reading about different experiences from people about a certain problem helps to find out more and what one can do about it.
You sleep with such a person as you do when you were first married off to him and didn't even really know him and actually are not even ready for marriage... It's mostly him who does it anyway... Everyone around you says there is no other choice. After he beats you up, he and everyone around you says 'oh, it won't happen again' and 'it's normal, all men are like that' 'mine beats me so it's normal that your husband beats you too, if I'm still happy with him, then what's your problem' and then husband says it will never happen again, etc. You don't even know it's possible to be able to have a life on your own, everyone says divorce is not allowed. That's what I was told anyway. I didn't know much about Islam, I just grew up reading Quran and namaz without knowing and understanding meaning of anything, I just believed whatever my family told me. Only years later I did my own research and even then it's difficult to do something that everyone around you doesn't think is allright even though Islam does allow it, it took me years. It's important for all of us to read more about Islam to know more about it. Islam really is less strict than most people make us believe.
When you think you have not other choice but to stay in the marriage, that's what you do. You still somehow try to have some sort of life, what else can you do? You survive. That's life. But why should anyone suffer while Islam does allow to get out of that suffering?
Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?
Notorious- thank you for sharing your story and I hope you’re now living a better life iA’. 
To me it seems, when you’re being abused, you yourself don’t even realize it. And the points you have mentioned above are so true.
‘women get emotional and men get angry’ (from another poster)
‘it’s normal, all men are like that’
‘mine beats me so it’s normal that your husband beats you too’
‘divorce is not allowed’
The questions is, why?
This is very true:
Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?
wow…all that for me? i am flattered you care so much about me 
but honestly…i don’t give a flying bleep …what makes you think i do???
… it would’ve been more useful if you concentrated your efforts on the topic at hand…instead of passing judgements on my attitude and relationship advice to me…
i could write an essay twice the size of yours pointing out what you come across as… would i do that?? nope… 
this following quote…says what i think should be the way forward…
Re: The First Slap: Where to draw the line?
I'm writing this from personal experience unfortunately. If your husband slaps or kicks you once, even for something small, especially for something small, he will do it again. No matter how much he promises and claims he's sorry and will never do it again. He definitely will!
I received mine when I was doing sajda, in front of Allah, because his mother was fighting with my mother (both sisters) about why I wasn't pregnant yet, I wasn't even married a complete year and the first half year of the marriage I remained living in Holland to finish my last year at lab school as was promised to me before the wedding and he remained in France where his parents live and he had his job (now dvd/games shops). So of course we weren't together often, so of course I wasn't pregnant yet. It was 1996, my parents visited from Holland, just for a few hours. By then I had given up school and driving lessons for Sajjad and his parents and moved to France without diploma nor driving lesson, just to make their fighting stop and make them happy. And there the arguments came, his mother always argued about something ridicilous and unlogical and out of selfishness, apparently she instilled these values of her in her son. So while our mothers were fighting, I was sad and went upstairs and did two raka't nafl to ask Allah for help, Sajjad came upstairs, saw me praying in our bedroom and kicked me on my bottom while I was still doing sajda in front of Allah! He had his heavy boots on and that really hurt.
Just 2-3 months later I was pregnant, because since I had given up school for him in my final year and my driving lessons for him too, I was living with him now in France, naturally I was pregnant quickly... His parents were fighting for no logical reason at all...
The physical and mental abuse never stopped. Many times Sajjad and his parents had said, they were sorry and it wouldn't happen again. Even our Uncle claimed many times Sajjad would treat me better from now on and then he never did, o afterwards he was nice for say a few days, once even a few weeks, but then it all began again.
When your husbands beats you up once, do not believe his lies that he will never do it again. No matter if he swears by Quran and Allah. He will definitely beat you up again. Divorce him, it's your Islamic right, if your husband beats you up, Allah does not forbid you to leave him and marry someone else.
I'm no longer with Sajjad, in 2004 I was finally separated Islamically from him (in my opinion it was sooner, but my family disagrees, there are many different Islamic ways to divorce, I have a different opinion from my family), yet our European divorce was sooner, but that one doesn't really count for you nikkahnama. Read books about what you're allowed to do, read books about your haq as a Muslim wife. Do your own research in Quran and ahadith and you'll find out that no matter what other people say, you can always divorce an abusing husband.
There are even ahadith from people who divorced while there was no abuse, in one case the husband wasn't providing enough income for a decent living and I read about another case where they were just unhappy. Mohammed (saww) allowed them to divorce and sometimes even gave them advice on their second marriage. So it's not forbidden.
Of course we must keep in mind that divorce is only last option when nothing else helps.
I feel so sorry after reading what you went through all these years. Don't worry, he will have to pay for his sins one day.
Rest, see!! Now I am trying to make you understand and hope you get it. Different Men has different nature, some get more annoying and aggressive after such situations while others learn from their mistakes and avoid repeating them.
It's my experience, My hubby slapped me once....he was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo angry (don't like discussing the reason why), although, it was HIS mistake he was fighting over and he just couldn't control himself.. and slapped me, but instead thinking why he slapped me, my ALL concentration was on, "maira hubby is waqt bohat ghussay main hay and mujhay inhe calm kerna hay" so I stayed quiet, gave him a break.. gave him time to think......... and when things were resolved.. He was sorry for what he did.. since then, its been a couple of years..he never hit me!! NEVER! he promised and he fulfilled it..
also, after things getting resolved, "I" told him in a straight tone, that this was the first and the last time you slapped me, NEVER do that to me again!! thats it!!
now I dont know what made him obey me, my tone or that he HIMSELF realised that he was wrong, but I certainly know and am sure.. the the fight was only resolved because I kept quiet even knowing it wasn't MY mistake!!
so its good to tackle the situations expediently, sometimes!!