My parents are completely against the idea of having a guy come over to my house with his parents. It's a complete waste of time for him and his family as well as mine!! It's uncomfortable to talk freely in such situations. I feel like i'm being judged the entire time.
That's why my parents lay the rule right away: Let the kids meet first. If they like one another, then we can take it from there.
There's no point in the family (parents) getting involved if there is no attraction or compatability between the boy and girl.
n' thats the way it should be Mehnaz...
its good to hear that!
Moona, like I said b4, I too am of the opinion that u'll meet that right person sooner or later and it'll just happen.
I pray that you find someone who's perfect for you or that someone finds you :) InshaAllah.
Don't get me wrong, I think all this talk about finding the perfect mate is very nice, however, it helps to maintain some resemblance of reality in our lives.
Most of you are at the age, where everything seems possible. However, "perfect mate" is the proverbial myth. You can wait for it, or you can rationalize your expectations and distinguish between 'wants' and 'needs'. Isn't that the first lesson in finance which parents teach their kids. Well it applies every where.
If you find a nice, decent person, don't evade just because of some superflous irritants. After a certain age, things get a bit desperate, and there is little chance you can circle around the block to still find the less desirable parking spot empty.
In this and other thread, there seems very high expectations from the future spouse. Some of you desire a PhD, some even more. Compromise seems an outdated concept. "Unless we get what we want, we'd just wait". "There is no hurry. Insha allah, the perfect guy/gal is right around the corner". "Masha allah".
All fine. But keep a little perspective. This unsolicited advice is just for your own good. Sorry if I offended some one. :)
[quote]
Originally posted by Faisal: there is little chance you can circle around the block to still find the less desirable parking spot empty. . :)
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or..even that spot is filled and you have to go for one even less desireable basded on your ideal criteria that you had started with
Aah this thread has evolved from social customs that have to do with pre-marriage prospecting - to personal aspirations about the ideal spouse.
Well, I agree with Faisal and Mehnaz -
You can't size up every man/woman you meet against a mental checklist.
Lets hope you meet someone who fills your bill exactly but your perfectionism will certainly make you pass up on good men/women.
All those who search for Mr./Ms. Perfect need to change their attitude.
I guess your original topic transformed to this one.
All of us sorta agreed that the routine you summarized (and Nia elaborated) is offensive for most educated and intelligent girls, so the advice for all of you is to do your own thing. Having said that, it is possible that for most of people the AOD is the way to go. If you look at it from a happy ending point-of-view, there are a large number of marriages in Pakistan that happened as a result of the so-called AOD process. They liked the girl, proposed, proposal was accepted and the result is a happy marriage. Just because many of us don't like the process, doesn't mean it's necessarily bad. As Anchal tried to say early on, the process works for many people too.
On to the other topic, this whole discussion is indeed quite fascinating. Even buying a $500 camera can give a pause to anyone: “Am I making a mistake?” Selecting a spouse is a lifetime decision.
The doubts are endless.
- “Are we jumping the gun too quickly?”
- “Should I wait some more?”
- “If only I get someone like him/her!” (usually thinking of a friend’s spouse or a totally unavailable guy/gal).
- “Why can’t I be so lucky?”
- “What if I lose this one and don’t find anyone better?”
- “What if I select this one and find someone better down the road?”
- “I just don’t know this guy/gal all that well. Is s/he the right one for me?”
Then you like someone and s/he is totally not interested. This is again intriguing.
- “If I had gotten him/her, the search would have been over!”
Please remember, the grass always seems greener on the other side. Since personally, I have never really been through this process, so I can’t really advise any of you on how to make the right selection. However, when you finally settle on a spouse, please keep yourself firmly focused on their virtues, and work around any perceived shortcomings. That’s all I can say. :)
[quote]
Originally posted by Faisal:
** Since personally, I have never really been through this process, so I can’t really advise any of you on how to make the right selection. **
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So Faisal bhai u have never been through the rishta dekhing phase eh...How did you come with the list by the way...
Man you missed the best part of ur life. I have made some friends and some enemies by going through this phase...There r people out there who love me cuz I'm not a part of their life and some hate me for the same reason. oh boy! do I've stories or what! :-D
To all of u worried people...Spouse or no spouse...u are all gonna die in a few decades ...I don't see whats the big deal.
i have great sympathy for those who wish the culture could change...
i too would like to know...
girls:how do u handle it if u have been passed over the first time..or more than once??
guys:i sympathize with u also....im sure at first it seems pretty cool getting choose ur own flaver*so to speak* but dont u get frustrated...cause u would rather let fate take a hand in ur life..not just mom and dad*respectfully*i say this....
Faisal thats true. It reminds of a quote I read about 15 yrs back in book and i think it was in the 16th century by Cardinal Newman
"If man waited to do everything till he could make no mistake he would never do anything". The applies to perfection. As one of my classmates once put it, if you always look back and see the other options that would make you happier, you would never be happy in life.
I'm 19 now, and as of yet, I've gotten no proposal. Meanwhile, most of my friends (around my age) have gotten proposals and many are married (yep, at 19). Normally, this doesn't bother me, since I've got some plans and ambitions that I wish to delve in before marriage.
But, you know whats been bugging me? Nosy relatives, and idiotic old-fashioned friends. They're seriously concerned I haven't gotten a proposal yet. Although, that would have ALOT to do with my family being barely social, and my own busy schedule. But still, I'm 19 dammit.
What i'm trying to say, is that not only am I against the whole process of larki dekhna, but I'm kinda angry at the jaldi se shaadi karwaado, and the whole stigma that girls have when no marriage proposals come to them, or if they say they want a career and marriage has to wait, or if they say they wish to find their own spouse, or if they're 19 and being gossipped about ke "I wonder what's wrong with her that she hasn't even gotten a proposal yet".
[quote]
Originally posted by BoSS:
** To all of u worried people...Spouse or no spouse...u are all gonna die in a few decades ...I don't see whats the big deal.**
[/quote]
That's the smartest thing said in this whole thread.
Who cares PCG if you get a proposal or not. Next time someone starts to lecture you, show them this thread (specifically Boss' comment) and they'll shut up.
Well Faisal I mentioned that I am facing a dilemma whjether to take admission in Phd or find a guy who is has this degree.
Well, well, I just used that as a metaphor to depict the way we usually think about our spouse to be in general,. Phd in my post was used to signify an educated person.lol.
I am not an unrealistic person. There a re many parhay likhay jahil also. There is no dearth of such people. For a long time I thought I would not mind marrying a person who's just dome his bachelors. But over the years, I found that ppl around you ask such questions as , "now that u ve this this degree and u r an educated person than ur demands must be high , right , haina, bolo?"
Not that I have changed my mind due to this but well I believe in following a realistic approach.
And I certainly donot agree with Khan_Sahib where he stated that why don't you viost universities and.. . What? I mean , c'mmon we don't go the University for a man hunt. But I donot blame you, well, I have been listening to such statements not just in Pak but in US as well. Okey, I agree that when u study with guys then there 'll be affairs, flirts, infatuations, crushes, some might end up in lifelong commitment. I was pesonally proposed quite a few times. But alas! don't say that the Universities are the right place to find ur, errr, perfect( optimal, acceptable match)
Boss ji, how come you know that we 'll die in a decade or two . What if somebody goes beyond a century.(NOt that I wish to live such a long life)
[This message has been edited by lost soul (edited August 03, 2002).]
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Originally posted by lost soul:
** (NOt that I wish to live such a long life)
[This message has been edited by lost soul (edited August 03, 2002).]**
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if Allah giveth then why does man taketh away :).
As far as people finding the right person in colleges, why are there marriages within relatives other then cause the two families know each other. then whats wrong with colleges? I mean the age at which people generally start looking tends more often then not to be when the are in college and these are settings in which you can observe a persons attitude and actions fairly well and over wide range of places and instances, then is it not better then the chai routine where everyone is dressed to kill? the college for all purposes provides a good way of meeting interesting people and seeing if you can be friends and or more. if you can make friends out there then why not marriage?
[quote]
Originally posted by Shirin:
*Nothing has been said about the great desi aunties who set up rishtas... for a fee. I believe there are several around in the US/Canada. *
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ISNA, APPNA, and almost all the other muslim/pakistani organizations I know do have them. Whether they are a sanctioned party in these organizations or someone who solicts such work depends on the main organizers and if there kids are of age (at least that has been the experience I have had)
Well Well, MR HMCQ, I didnt intend to say its bad marrying with one of the fellow students. IF I would have been interested in any of those, I would have gone for that. But, to say that these are the best places to find ur match is gross generalization.
[quote]
Originally posted by hmcq:
** ... the age at which people generally start looking tends more often then not to be when the are in college **
[/quote]
Well, I dunno what sort of colleges you attend, but for the most part, I have noticed that in colleges, people are merely looking for "fun" relationships. Most folks don't seriously start thinking about permanently settling down with a spouse and marriage, until they are well-established in their careers, which is normally 2-6 years AFTER finishing college.
Ofcourse, in some cases, people return to colleges at the ages of 28-30 for additional qualifications, so they may be looking for a potential mate in college too, but as long as you are in the 22-25 sweet-spot, the guys, atleast, won't be settling down anytime soon. Generally speaking, i.e. :)
And lastly, on to a point made by someone else, I don't think there is any hard and fast rule on where to look for a potential mate and where not to look. You can meet them anywhere, super-market, neighborhood, auntie, parties, bars, college, office, internet, soccer practice, friend of a friend.. whatever. There is no point in limiting the scope. Is there?