Acknowledgement:
Inspired from Boss’ Rejection thread – a Spin-off
To put things in context, it’s a fairly widespread practice amongst desi parents who are prospecting rishtas on behalf of their children to participate in what I call the AOD process:
Accessorizing:
First, the girls parents get acutely engaged in accessorizing/dolling up their daughters to “present” them to the people “jo ussey dekhney aa rahey heiN”
Do they actually think that their daughter will be happy with someone who would base a lifelong decision on impulse personal appeal/attraction ??
Ogling:
Next we have the gawking ritual - the guy and his folks come to see the girl, “from head to toe” (as pointed out pretty brusquely by proudpakistani in Boss’ thread)… a no less undignified custom of feating prudent judgements about the girl and her family based on the way she walks and talks.
Deferring:
Topping the list of appalling practices is the “we will get back to you” convention… oh we’re shopping around and “just looking” for now. The deferment of the decision is a hint to the prospective bride’s family that our son is “laakhoN mey aik” and we’re gonna take our time to find the best for him.
I dunno how many of you have actually gone through one or more phases of the Rishta process but to me it is something very reprehensible… I could understand the guy and girl telling their parents to visit each others family to get to know each other better and discover any possible reservations in getting the children married… I don’t have a problem with that! One reason I bring this up is cuz I had a discussion with my mom the other day and explained to her how I wouldn’t want her or my dad to do any prospecting on my behalf.
I know that its something deeply rooted in the desi-society and also that there may be variants of this AOD Rishta process where the guy and girl actually get to talk and decide, but just the basis of the whole pre-Rishta panorama is absurd.
Umar, You got inspired my BoSS and BoSS got inspired by my job "rejection", cool its getting interesting.
I agree that this "larki deekhana" ki Rasm is ugly for the girl. I have told my parents I don't want to be part of this Rasam ever again. What can just few hours of gawking the girl can tell us about another person.
Thanks for bringing up such a nazuk topic. Although what you have expressed is largely a polarized view…but shades of this can be observed in our society with varying intensities.
Saadia
“Rasam” is the word I was looking for… yeah, I guess an end to this phenomenon would be when we’re forthright with our parents.
Anchal,
you’re missing the point – I meant it to be a generalization, and admittedly its an autonomous and inductively expected occurrence – I am criticizing the
ontological correspondence between the families of the prospective bride and the groom… as it stands, “generally” the bride’s family tends to be the more passive and meek in the process… but I’m condemning both parties for their unseemly behavior.
Khanzada – bro, I haven’t stayed long enough in Pak to tell how close to reality my observations are, but even in the west, families get engaged in the process to varying degrees.
Chai parade is one thing that I hope educated families start moving away from.
A phenomenon that I have noticed is how picky people are.. They have a list of qualities that are pages long. The have a very developed ideal concept that they are not willing to back down from at all.
A good desi pal of mine here in US cant find a girl that meets his needs. I had to tell him that dude..you are no stud mcmuffin yourself, you are a great guy, good career, great family, a really nice person...but you are no gQ cover material, so why do you keep rejecting girls because they dont have the right look. I mean the guy rejected very pretty girls because as pretty as they were or as nice as they were or intelligent that they were, they did not have the "right look"
This friend of mine is his female version. She is looking for a really good looking, macho type who is also very artistic and cultured and what nots. Must have appreciation for opera or classical music..I am like sheesh..u guys are crazy.
I know some other characters like that, and then they claim there are no good matches out there..I believe that they genetic engineering is their solution. create your own spouse...sad thing may be that unless this creation is programmed to be head over heels for you,it may bail and find someone else. :)
but you have to also understand their point of view Umer. Not everybody is as happy and as lucky as others.
The traditions in itself is not bad, its the ppl that make it bad. I think its being blow out of proportion based on stupid stuff some people do.
There is nothing wrong in going to a girl's house to seek rishta. However, it should only be done when you are very sure that this is the girl that we want. This way there wouldnt be any blah blah blah stuff attached to the larki dekhnay jana.
I couldn’t help but laughing at this cover letter my friend created. He was saying he needed a job but I never knew he would go this far. Have a look LOL!
Assalamalaiakum My name is (fill here). Allah has said among his signs is this that He created for you mates amongst yourselves that we may dwell in tranquility with them. And he has put love and mecy between your hearts in that are signs for those who reflect. I wish to offer my hand for your daughter. As I am sure you want the absoulute best for your daughter I ask you take a look at my Islam. First and foremost. A loving dutiful husband is one who follows the prophet pbuh’s example. Please refer yourself to my references in the Islami community etc and please also refer yourself to those who also have bad things to say about me that i can provide as no one is perfect and you should have a fair basis to go on Inshallah I pray that allah makes this tough decision easy for you and inshallah whatever decision you come to your in my duaas.
This is only part of the application but this made me laugh so hard next to Austin Powers I had to post this
“O people! Muhammad has no sons among ye men, but verily, he is the Messenger of Allah and the last in the line of Prophets. And Allah is aware of everything.” (33:40)
“The Hour will not come … until nearly thirty “dajjals” (liars) appear, each one claiming to be a messenger from Allah.” (Sahih Bukhari, Sahih Muslim)
*
Yeah! In this so-called AOD practice they seem to disregard one thing. ** Feelings of girls **, she would present herself as so-called “guriya” in front of those possible candidates. As if they are judge and she is the beauty queen. If she acts accordingly to the candidate’s mother then father will give the Green Signal. After that process the final questions are still yet to come, which are usually asked by the candidate. If he asks her to come outside and meet him privately [after getting parent’s permission] she would lower her head down and go a head with it.
YEAP this is partially part of every other story. A pretty ** nazuk guriya walks in, with a tray in her hand, lowers her eyes, has duppata over her head, smiling and sharmaying, chupkey chupkey looking at her so-called candidate, gives tea to mother in law, then father in law, after that girl’s mother picks up. Meri beti to bolti hi nahee, khana pakana is ko ata hai, kharhai silai bhi ati hai, yaha reh kar bhi yaha ki larkiyo ki jese nahee hai.** Tareef starts for good 2 hrs ** mother in law asks few questions. And father in law does the observing. Oh before that don’t forget sister in laws do come to her bedroom. ‘ ao zara hamari honey wali bhabi ka kamra to dekhein’. If candidate has guts he would ask her parents to talk to her privately. And then he goes “ I do this and that Blah Blah and Blah .......do you have any questions or would like to ask anything...... I have asked a lot about you..... would you like to say something”. Girl would only talk if she has enough guts to say NO.
2 days later. If guy say ‘no’ its all right but if a girl decides she doesn’t want this guy OH MY GOSH it’s a crime with lifetime penalty.
Yeah Yeah this is not always the case in some cases girls do tell those guys to back off etc whatever. In the end it’s the GIRL who has to suffer through for sometime. **
Guy’s mother and father are the scanning machine. Within 2 hrs they have to see the girl and try to figure out her history. And at the end a lot of them get to hear “ hum ap ko phone kar key batein gay”. ** AGAR TUM NAHEE TO KOI AUR SAHI, KOI AUR NAHEE TO PHIR KOI AUR SAHI ** that’s the attitude of most of the guys I have seen. Yeah speaking from personal experiences of close friends and relatives. A guy’s family walks in with a smile and thinking if they don’t like her they can say “No” easily. But have those parents ever thought about what would go on inside of that poor girl. Most of the girls here are use too of rejection as they say in Urdu ‘izaat hi khatam ho gai hai’.
This stupid process has to stop some how. I told my parents there is simply no way I am brining any tray of chaey or samosay. HELP YOURSELF OUT yeah that’s my attitude. ENOUGH! with this stupid practice where girl has less to say.
[The way I am I can’t seem to imagine myself with this sort of arrangement hmmm naaah]
Again this is’nt the case for every single girl ……..but yeah most of them fall in this category. Tell me guys how do you feel when you reject one girl? I have always wondered that.
Ah! I don’t know if any of you would understand me and umer sorry if you didn’t like my response but this is how I see it. :~)
[This message has been edited by nia_khan (edited July 27, 2002).]
Nia: U seem to know the whole process very well..hmm ..i wonder how many times have u walked in ur living room with the chai tray in ur hand and dupatta on ur head.. looking down and sharmying..anywyas. I personally dont think that ppl still practice this..this is old school / only happens in movies
Hope i didnt offend anyone.. :D
ASAK Umar jii, neither in my family nor among my friends in pakistan did anybody ever get married like that. i think this process is not as common as it is made out to to be in newspapers etc. or maybe it is common in the us?
i realy feel sad for the girls who have to go through this, they must feel so uncomfortable and awkward.
Well ppl, my post was intended to be an unqualified and personal denigration of the whole pre-marital prospecting and selection process. Although I agree that this is not always the case, but it still is a very common and rife observation... what amazes me more is that even the seemingly suave and urbane people in the west too fall prey to the practice.
nia,
your reposte' is the very reaction I was hoping to see from someone on here... given the very nature of our male-dominated society, it is upto the girls to rebuff a practice which in your own words, doesn't really care about what they go through.
**Fraudia\b],
hehe... I find your macho and artistic example quite hilarious... its somewhat paradoxical but a lota ppl do have paradoxical ideals - keeping it real, you'd assume that a macho man in all his vigor would care less about some inspired abstract sublteties - aah puts idealism and impracticality in parallel yet again :)
i believe you didnt read it well. I mentioned I will never do that sharmaying warmaying thing. A girl like me never will :~).